College freshman bringing home

[NHdisneylover]

I think it is cultural. We have lived in Germany for 4 years now, and the attitude here is much more like you describe it as being in Austria than what we experienced in the US.

It is actual fairly common and NOT eyebrow raising here for high school aged teens to sleep over at a boy friend or girlfriend's house. I have no idea if they share beds or not, but I know boyfriend/girlfriend sleepovers are a common practice, even among those who live relatively near one another and attend the same school, etc. This would raise lots of eyebrows in the US and tends to get the Americans that we know who live here pretty freaked out.

Different things work for different people and cultures and surely there are ones more likely to be okay with it in either place and vice versa, but YES overall there is a huge difference in the general view of society on the subject going from the US to Germany (and I would guess, Austria).

 

[NHdisneylover]

Do you have children? If you don't, your opinion may change once that happens. I know mine did.

Religion has nothing to do with my feelings on the matter.

I do, they'll be 14 and 16 this month.

With highschool aged kids I would not be comfortable--largely because I would not know how the other parents feel and feel it is my job to stick to generally accepted rule when their kids are in my care. By college, visitors are not in my care, they are nothing more than guests of my college aged kid--thus no issue to me.

 

[mimmi]

Ok, I've seen that stuff in sitcoms but I didn't know it was for real.
Different strokes...
I couldn't imagine making things so weird for my daughter and would be concerned about sending out wrong signals but maybe I would feel different if it was the social norm over here.

 

[SaraJayne]

I do, they'll be 14 and 16 this month.

With highschool aged kids I would not be comfortable--largely because I would not know how the other parents feel and feel it is my job to stick to generally accepted rule when their kids are in my care. By college, visitors are not in my care, they are nothing more than guests of my college aged kid--thus no issue to me.

I know you do.

What I was saying to that poster (who looks fairly young in his avatar picture) is I felt much the same way when I was younger.

My opinion changed when I became a parent.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I know you do.

What I was saying to that poster (who looks fairly young in his avatar picture) is I felt much the same way when I was younger.

My opinion changed when I became a parent.

Funny--I see no avatar photo for that poster

But, truly, the cultural norm is SO different, I doubt it will change.

Heck, there are a couple of boy/girl sleepover in the school every year for my son (currently 8th grade). 37 kids--2 adults who sleep in a different room than the kids. Last year at the Carnival party after the music shut off at 2 a.m. the kids watched The Hangover while drifting off to sleep. The teacher rented it at their request. It is "ab 12" (basically PG13) here. (Our son needed to fit into the group more than we needed to prevent him seeing it--I think, I've never seen it so I let go of my "OMG THAT movie" reaction and let him go along with all of his class, but it wasn't easy for me and i tend to be much more liberal on that stuff than many Americans).

It is a COMPLETELY different view of teens, and of sex. I mean really radically different

 

[DDRManiac]

Do you have children? If you don't, your opinion may change once that happens. I know mine did.

Religion has nothing to do with my feelings on the matter.

True. I do not have children, mayyybe it will change but I don't know.. I just don't seem to get put on edge about that type of thing like many people do. I have always aligned more with the European frame of mind in this area than the American.

I understand the concern a parent would have, and if they weren't an adult I would fully support a parents decision to say separate rooms. I just think that when someone is an adult that I should let them make their own decisions.

I was offered that curtesy by my parents growing up and I feel it made me a stronger person and certainly more aware when making big decisions on my own.

But, like you pointed out, maybe my thoughts will change when I have my own, If it does I will be first to admit I was wrong. =]

Edit** I guess I should clarify, I havent changed my avatar since I created the account. Unfortunately I have aged a bit since that photo... talk about a misrepresentation of myself.. I should change that lol

 

[TDC Nala]

If you don't want them to share a bed in your house, just make separate sleeping arrangements for them. I get that he's asked to share a room with her but it doesn't sound like he came out and said "either we share a room or we're leaving" or something like that. It's not like she is a long-term girlfriend, they've been dating a few months.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I know you do.

What I was saying to that poster (who looks fairly young in his avatar picture) is I felt much the same way when I was younger.

My opinion changed when I became a parent.

Weird--earlier it was showing you quoting Mimmi, but now it shows DDRManiac,who DOES have an avatar

Oh, and my opinions are changing all the time as a parent though I think non parents can have good insights as well (and my thoughts on some things have not changed yet ).

 

[SaraJayne]

Weird--earlier t was showing you quoting Mimmi, but now it shows DDRManiac,who DOES have an avatar

Oh, and my opinions are changing all the time AS a parent though I think non parents can have good insights as well (and my thoughts on some things have not changed yet ).

I quoted DDRManiac.

 

[MrsDuck]

My parents never let us sleep together in their house. Heck, they don't even now and we're getting married in 2 weeks.

Decide how you feel and go from there.

 

[Colleen27]

True. I do not have children, mayyybe it will change but I don't know.. I just don't seem to get put on edge about that type of thing like many people do. I have always aligned more with the European frame of mind in this area than the American.

I understand the concern a parent would have, and if they weren't an adult I would fully support a parents decision to say separate rooms. I just think that when someone is an adult that I should let them make their own decisions.

I think that's the difference in a nutshell - most people here don't think of an 18yo who is still supported by his/her parents and living in a supervised setting as an adult in the full sense of the word. I'm a fairly liberal parent as a rule but I also take a very practical approach to most issues. So I do tend to think of an 18yo attending college on his parents' dime and living at home when school isn't in session to be more child than adult in terms of readiness for the potential practical/financial repercussions of sexual activity. As such I wouldn't be encouraging or supportive of their adult choices the same way I would be of a young adult who is living on his own, working, and supporting himself.

 

[SaraJayne]

True. I do not have children, mayyybe it will change but I don't know.. I just don't seem to get put on edge about that type of thing like many people do. I have always aligned more with the European frame of mind in this area than the American.

I understand the concern a parent would have, and if they weren't an adult I would fully support a parents decision to say separate rooms. I just think that when someone is an adult that I should let them make their own decisions.

I was offered that curtesy by my parents growing up and I feel it made me a stronger person and certainly more aware when making big decisions on my own.

But, like you pointed out, maybe my thoughts will change when I have my own, If it does I will be first to admit I was wrong. =]

Edit** I guess I should clarify, I havent changed my avatar since I created the account. Unfortunately I have aged a bit since that photo... talk about a misrepresentation of myself.. I should change that lol

In my mind, you are an adult when you are financially responsible for 100% of your expenses. Most 18 year olds don't fit into that category.

 

[SpecialK]

This is indeed a cultural thing... one that I will never understand.. Essentially in most of these cases we have parents who are fully aware their child is engaged in a physical relationship but like many Americans... have adopted the out of sight out of mind philosophy. When it has the chance of happening at home that might be awkward for the parent so they instead make the entire stay awkward for their son/daughter..

I know that paints the parent in a negative light but honestly thats how it usually seems to be..... denial

Also I'd just like to point out... forcing your children to follow a rule like that when for some of the posts I have read is clearly based on a religious ideal is really wrong...IMO anyway

You forget that there are younger children in the home and that would be a point of concern for a few of us.

As far as the religious ideal goes, it's safe to assume that the child was raised in the same religion and therefore expected to believe in the same ideals.

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

I would thinking long and hard about which situation would be the least uncomfortable for everyone involved. Depending on you and your family, that could be very different from me. I was raised in a very traditional, conservative Christian household. I was raised to wait until I was married to have sex. In college, my then-boyfriend and I would have never shared a room at my parents' house. It would have been terribly awkward for everyone involved. He was raised very differently and his parents just assumed that we were sleeping together. Because of that, when I went with him to visit his parents, they put us in the same room with only one bed. I was very uncomfortable. When he explained our situation, that we were not intimate with each other, and that we would be more comfortable with separate beds, they were absolutely shocked. They said that there was nowhere else for me to sleep because it would be awkward for them to come downstairs and for me to be sleeping on the couch. Also, it was his bed, so if I was uncomfortable sleeping in it with him, they said I should be uncomfortable sleeping in it without him and therefore, they would not permit him to sleep on the couch. They said we would need to stay in the same room and if we really thought it was that big of a deal, I could sleep on the floor. It was a very uncomfortable situation for me.


I was friends with another girl, though, who was very uncomfortable in her boyfriend's house in a separate room. She was just meeting his parents, was very shy and insecure, and wanted him with her most of the time. She worried about waking up and going downstairs and him still being asleep in another room. She said that she barely got any sleep when she visited her boyfriend's for Thanksgiving one year, because she was so nervous and uncomfortable in her own room without him there to calm her fears.



Maybe try and get a feel from your son about what she is comfortable with. Then, since you know your family, try and decide what makes them more comfortable. Go with that.

 

[disykat]

I don't think adults should always make their own choices wherever they are. That attitude always surprises me. What if people came into your home and started picking their nose and wiping boogers on your couch? Should they be allowed to do so because they do it in their own home? It could be any number of things that are against your "house rules."

If people make me take my shoes off at their door (something I hate doing) I do it. I don't say "I'm an adult and I can make my own choices." My adult choice is to follow their rules or go elsewhere.

I always follow people's house rules as an adult. I can't imagine not. My parents have weird shower rules. I always just warned people I brought home. I know my kids wouldn't be good at adhering to their shower rules, so we stay in a hotel. Our goal is to NOT upset them.

I have rules in my own home too. People can't bring their dogs without permission and they're only allowed in one room. Don't leave your shoes in my front entryway. No smoking. No sharing a room with an unmarried partner is just ONE of my rules. I reserve the right to make new rules at any time (for example if someone was wiping boogers on my couch.)

The only difference being an adult makes in whether you have to follow the rules or not is that, as an adult, you'll probably be more intuitive and not have to be TOLD the rules! Adults are also generally more accepting of the rules of others in their own home. Throwing a hissy fit about them is decidedly juvenille behavior.

 

[Acklander]

I don't think adults should always make their own choices wherever they are. That attitude always surprises me. What if people came into your home and started picking their nose and wiping boogers on your couch? Should they be allowed to do so because they do it in their own home? It could be any number of things that are against your "house rules."

I don't know what sharing a room has to do with wiping boogers on a couch, but I haven't heard anyone say that if you're uncomfortable with it you should let them share a room anyway. What I've said is that it didn't bother me- so I let my son and his girlfriend choose where they wanted to sleep and the chose to sleep in the same room. It wasn't an issue for us, so we didn't make it an issue for them. If youre uncomfortable with it just tell them so.

 

[Acklander]

In my mind, you are an adult when you are financially responsible for 100% of your expenses. Most 18 year olds don't fit into that category.

Maybe this is where the difference is - I don't think of the adult thing as a switch that gets turned on and off depending on your paycheck. It's a slowly evolving process. Does this mean that a college student that has parents paying tuition isn't an adult, but the college student who took out a loan is? Or that my elderly grandmother who spent the last few years of her life living with my parents was no longer an adult since my parents supported her financially? Or how about a couple where one partner works and the other stays at home. Technically the one at home is being supported by the one at work, do they lose their adult status?
There is a lot more to being an adult than the financial point of view.

 

[disykat]

I don't know what sharing a room has to do with wiping boogers on a couch, but I haven't heard anyone say that if you're uncomfortable with it you should let them share a room anyway. What I've said is that it didn't bother me- so I let my son and his girlfriend choose where they wanted to sleep and the chose to sleep in the same room. It wasn't an issue for us, so we didn't make it an issue for them. If youre uncomfortable with it just tell them so.

I was addressing the "adults get to make their own decisions" argument that was a used. You may not have said it, but others have.

 

[Acklander]

I was addressing the "adults get to make their own decisions" argument that was a used. You may not have said it, but others have.

Well, it's true. Adults do get to make their own decisions, especially when it comes to their sexuality. But if it bothers you that they share a room then they get to decide if they want to go the cheaper route (in different rooms but free); or pay for a hotel, or go somewhere else for the holidays. I still don't see what it has to do with boogers on the couch though.

 

[mamacatnv]

I think that's the difference in a nutshell - most people here don't think of an 18yo who is still supported by his/her parents and living in a supervised setting as an adult in the full sense of the word. I'm a fairly liberal parent as a rule but I also take a very practical approach to most issues. So I do tend to think of an 18yo attending college on his parents' dime and living at home when school isn't in session to be more child than adult in terms of readiness for the potential practical/financial repercussions of sexual activity. As such I wouldn't be encouraging or supportive of their adult choices the same way I would be of a young adult who is living on his own, working, and supporting himself.