Discussion in 'Community Board' started by java, Dec 4, 2012.
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We feel exactly the same way. We are not naive enough to think that keeping them apart at our house means they won't have sex somewhere else. We always discussed sex ooenly and honestly with them. We told both DS and DD that it was their body and their choice but that they need to be responsible. We also told them that sex changes a relationship and that they should be 100% sure that it is what they want and they are not doing it because of pressure from their GF/BF.
Once they turned 18 it was their choice about where their GF/BF slept. DS has never had a GF stay here so it hasn't come up with him. DD has had two serious BFs and they have both stayed here. Each has slept in her bed with her. I have no problem with it. I honestly doubt anything has happened here, since we are just down the hall, but if it has she has been extremely discreet about it.
I believe in treating them as adults and letting them make their own choices. They were great kids and have become fantastic young adult.
Call me old fashioned, but this is where I fall.
If we had younger kids in the house, there would be no shared bedrooms. I think that sets up a precedent I wouldn't want set. "Well, brother is only X years older and HE gets to have sex in the house, so why can't I?" Yeah, not going there. Way way easier not to even open that door.
In real life, we just have the one dd, so that point is moot for us. To be honest, it wouldn't really matter to me if they slept together in the house, but my dh would freak OUT. Not that he's a prude and I'm sure he remembers what WE did when both sets of parents insisted we sleep apart....Ahem.
Nor is he unaware that his dd may have a sex life, but he is much happier pretending she doesn't. (I'm sure she's equally happy pretending we found her in the cabbage patch. Frankly, I think those polite obfuscations between parents and children make life soooo much easier!) That said, no way could my dh handle the idea that "it" might be happening down the hallway. Or at least at her age -- 19. It might be different when she's 29... then again, maybe not!
I had to bring this up to my parents the first time this year! DBF & I are traveling home from GA to NJ and CT. He will be spending two days with us, before heading two hours to CT. I was worrying that my parents would make him sleep in the basement (no central heat, only space heaters, but used as an overflow room/playroom growing up)Brought it up to my mother, and she laughed at me! She said at 21 and 23, she expected us to sleep together, and that my brother (16) had already claimed the "playroom" for his holiday sleeping. (He's expecting late nights on a new console) So the only choice was for us to sleep in my old room (now the "new" guest room), or have my boyfriend sleep in my brother's room, which might upset him (he's autistic, and very particular about things and their placement)
Point is, my parents are doing what's making them comfortable- Do what makes you comfortable. If that means your DS gets the couch so his DGF can have a bed, so be it. If my mom had said DBF in the basement, then it would have been done, for it's her house, her rules.
I think it reasonable to set whatever expectations you feel comfortable with. Each family is different and has different views of premarital sex.
However, please, please do not discuss your rules with the guest. Your expectations of behavior should be discussed with your son and your son should then relay the information to his girlfriend. He should be the one to tell her that "Mom and Dad are not comfortable with us sharing a room together."
No, I don't think as long as there are younger siblings in the house they should share a room.
I gather from the OP they have only have gotten to know each other since this current school year began? Yeah, I get that when they are at school blah blah. And quite frankly, I don't get involved with my kids relationships when they are in college or out of high school, but when it comes to staying at my home with younger siblings involved, I prefer they act a little more prudently. Its 2 or 3 days, they will make it! I would prefer a little more discretion.
Now, if there were no younger siblings involved, I personally probably wouldn't have a huge moral issue. Like others said, I won't be staying up day and night making sure there isn't hanky panky going on in the house. '
This sums up how my husband and I feel.
Nope, no bed sharing in my house.
How are strangers on the internet supposed to know your moral compass better than you do?
In my house, they would be in separate beds.
I'm 25 and bringing home my first boyfriend (in just over a week ). My parents' house will be packed, but I didn't dare even suggest us sharing a bed because I knew the answer. My older sister and her DH couldn't share a bed until they were married.
OP, if that's how you want it, that's how you want it. It's your house.
To be fair, none of my kids are even close to this stage in their lives, but I imagine that this is how I would feel about it too.
Honestly, I wouldn't even have a conversation. When the kids arrive, simply say Suzy's bed is made up in the office or in the girls' room or John is sleeping on the floor in the living room while Suzy takes his bed.
When I first went home to meet my future inlaws, I was graciously shown around the house and dropped at the guest bedroom and my husband taken down the hall to the childrens' room. We had no conversation about anything and all boundaries were respected.
If your son brings it up again, I would tell him the arrangements and make sure he knew they would not be changing.
I know where my morals lie. I am looking for just general opinions. And I appreciate each and every one of them.
I'm pretty liberal, but I'd have them sleep in different rooms, especially with the other kids there. However, make sure you let him know ahead of time, instead of telling them together (awkward!).
When DH and I were dating, my parents paid for our hotel room when we attended my sister's college graduation. I wouldn't have felt comfortable sleeping with him at their home.
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