ARRGH! My MIL is a Xmas nightmare!!

[rt2dz]

I don't know anyone who does both Santa and Parent gifts. It's either one or the other.

I have never heard of this. Santa brings his stuff Christmas Eve when everyone is sleeping and the stuff from the parents is under the tree wrapped (to be guessed at what's inside & help build excitement).

And neither distract from the true meaning of Christmas; you have to decide how you are teaching Christmas to your kids and the what is behind the gifts. Try books like The Legend of The Candy Cane, The Legend of The Christmas Tree, The Legend of The Stocking, The Christmas Story, and The Birth of Jesus intermingled with The Polar Express and The Night Before Christmas. Also try working into your Christmas traditions a "Happy Birthday Jesus" party; our church does one about a week before Christmas at a Christmas tree farm complete with a hotdog & s'mores cookout and birthday cake (with Happy Birthday sung to Jesus). It's really nice, but you could certainly do it at home on a much smaller scale.

And let us not forget, when we usually call a child "a spoiled brat" we are generally referring to their behavior, not their possessions--we frequently don't even know what their possessions are! Entitlement sometimes come from people who have very little and never have had much (my bil for example). Others are very appreciative of what they have and take excellent care of their belongings even when they have a ton. I know, I know, not the OPs issue, but since it had been mentioned.

 

[Zoemakes5]

Haven't had a chance to read through all the posts, but here's my two cents.
What you're dealing with isn't trivial. It's manipulation. Whether it's by too much, or not enough, it's manipulation none the less.
First, your DH needs to confront his mom on this one. Lay it on the line not only what the extravagence does to the children, but how it impacts what you and other people get and how it impinges in Santa and the magic of Santa Clause. Set guidelines about the amount of $$ or the amount of gifts. Tell her that the items he discussed with her about being requested of Santa would be coming from Santa, so she might as well take them back. Discuss repercussions.
Then, get what you want, tell others to get what they want, and if MIL buys the same thing, she will have to return them, or the kids will be getting duplicate items from her. Make sure your x-mas time with her is spent AFTER santa comes.
Those who manipulate will continue to do so unless there are repercussions. IF they continue to do so even with repercussions, then the only thing you can change is you. You and DH have to be on the same page. You need to agree what you're telling MIL re: gifts and wants.

 

[gabbysmom04]

Gosh I wish my MIL would buy my kids tons of stuff! But that being said I do understand what you are saying. I don't get along with my MIL at all. She is always going behind my back doing things I do not want her to do! One idea I have is to make a registry on some toy site or store and let the kids pick some toys out they might want for christmas. Before you tell anyone about it you and DH go out and pick what you want from santa then let MIL or anyone else know about it That way you get to pick out what you want for your kids. I do this for both of my kids for birthdays and christmas.

Oh yeah, in our home our kids get gifts from santa and from mommy and daddy. whats wrong with that?

 

[gabbysmom04]

I'm sympathetic to OP. MIL buys way too much. We have the complete collections of several of the American Girl dolls from Bitty Baby up. Also, MIL thinks that every gift becomes a family heirloom so it should be kept forever. Her house could be considered a fire hazard. She buys gifts and keeps them at her house labeled 'Santa'. It ticks me off because, as another poster said, it is MY turn to be Santa. If she didn't do it right the first time- TOO BAD!

I give stuff to Goodwill at a regular clip and still can't keep the kids's rooms looking neat. I would ebay some things but because the kids know that there will be replacements coming w/the next birthday, holiday, lost tooth, or hangnail they don't really seem interested in taking care of their toys. Nothing is precious if you have everything you want.

Good luck to the OP and prayers for me, please.

Umm, please give your MIL my address I love american girl!!!!!! LOL, by the way what goodwill do you drop it off at?

 

[mookie]

Hi All,

Just checking in - this has turned into quite a thread!!!

I love some of these suggestions - the registry is a great idea!!!!

I did try "nipping this in the bud" initially by trying to tell them specific toys to get (my mom and MIL) but through casual conversation one thing would pop up here or there, and that's how she figured things out. DH didn't flat out tell her the whole list, some things just came up in casual conversation. Lesson learned - we must keep our mouth shut because MIL can be VERRRY sneaky!!!

One of the solutions that we came up with for this year since the damage is already done: tell her that Madison is EXPECTING those specific items that she asked for to come from Santa. I don't think we are going to give Mimi the option...we are just going to tell her "Let us know how much they cost, and we'll get them when we see you at Thanksgiving." I'm sure we'll get attitude, but oh well. Then, next year, all of the kids will tell her just how many toys each of their kids can have (I think we'll set the limit at 5....a big step for her!) We'll have to tell her this in AUGUST, since she literally shops year round. If we catch her too late, we might end up back in the same boat.

And I LOVE the horseback riding lessons idea, and the new room thing!!! These are great, especially since DD really wants to ride horses, and we are thinking of redoing her room!! Now if only I can convince her just one last time to do Disney....

We did suggest last year that she just skip the gifts and pay for a big family trip to Disney - and she actually was for it, since she could then go and seem like the hero....but my BIL's wife doesn't really show interest in a trip (!!!) because she doesn't like to fly and doesn't want to drive all that way. Basically it's like if one doesn't go then we all don't go. Party Pooper!!!

So far that's our update. but I am glad I'm not alone in my thinking. My SIL suggested that we all just keep having kids, and eventually she won't be able to keep up!!!

 

[mookie]

Either my MIL is on the Disboard, and I didn't know it... or her ears were burning, b/c she just called me.

She called to ask me to send over a Christmas list.

Shirley??? Is that you out there?

HA HA!!

Hilarious.

I've always worried about something like this. We are the major Disney nuts of our family, so hopefully I have nothing to worry about. But I do dread the day when someone does the math and figures out who I am and who I'm talking about!!!

 

[disneymom3]

I would get my kids what I wanted to get them. I would make sure that the MIL didn't get to see the kids til after they opened your presents. My mom is also a big gift giver but she always gets what I tell her to. If MIL is having a get together before Christmas I simply wouldn't go.

This is exactly my approach. A couple of years ago, DS would only say he wanted one thing for Christmas. He was three at the time and had just this item in mind. We went to see Santa and he told him that was what he wanted. At that time, we celebrated Christmas on Christmas eve day at the ILs. Not anymore. And this is why. DSs big gift from his gma was this one item. So here I am, Christmas eve and I am screwed. This is the same thing Santa was bringing. And may I say again--it is Christmas EVE!!! Man I was so ticked. She said to me laughingly later (I am sure she saw my face when he opened it) "Well I didn't know what else to get him because he only wanted that one thing." Ummm yeah, how about something off the list I worked on and gave to you since you insisted. You will notice that this ONE item was NOT on it. Ugh. I am still ticked about this. However, from then on, we do not go to any gift opening occassions before Christmas at home. I am not going shopping on Christmas eve again.

 

[disnutt]

Umm, please give your MIL my address I love american girl!!!!!! LOL, by the way what goodwill do you drop it off at?

I used to love American Girl, too! There is just no way to contain all the junk that she gets for the girls. We've got 2 Bitty Babies and all their junk. We had the Bitty Twins but they apparently didn't make it in the move to PA

We've also gotten the yearly doll every year since my eldest realized there were yearly dolls.

I've been fortunate (and I know this doesn't sound like a way for someone to be fortunate) in that we had a family in our church have a home fire and lose everything. I was able to convince the girls that it would be 'nice' to give them some of their toys. Those kids got more than they had before the fire and it still didn't make a dent at our house.

Our own move has been a blessing because apparently a couple of boxes didn't turn up in PA!

 

[mefordis]

What about stockings? I'm sure your mil doesn't fill stockings, right? When I was little I thought my stocking was half the fun. You can find some good stuff, even if it is small, to put in the stockings and make that just as special, and from santa.

Beware: I know kids who get everything they want and it really desensitizes them. All of those presents makes the entire occasion less special. There's not much you can do about that other than let grandma give the majority of the gifts, you have santa do the stocking and maybe a couple. Don't think you have to top your MIL and give just as much. Your girl will suffer from the overindulgence.

 

[LoriMistress]

I think you and DH need to have a talk with your MIL. Let her know that spending that ammount of money on gifts isn't nessisary and plus, stealing the thunder from you/DH, your parents, and "santa." If she refuses, then state (and back it up) that if it's any more then a certain amount of money then the kids will not get the gifts and she would need to return them UNLESS if MIL runs by the gift first with you and DH.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

I'll trade you mother in laws! Want to? Your's sounds like a dream compared to mine. I think you should count yourself fortunate.

 

[bbangel]

Buy what you feel is appropriate for your kids.
Let her buy what she wants.
Return the excess to the store the week after Christmas.
Put the money into savings accounts for the kids.
The three of you then need to have a discussion about why she feels the need to buy affection. Suggest that in future her giving impulses should be directed towards savings for the kids so that they can have a good future as well as a good present. If she continues to overspend on gifts, keep returning them and make the contribution to the savings account yourself.

 

[sahwifeandmommy]

We had similar problems. The hard part is that I come from a big family and so by the time everyone gets them one or two things each it looks like toys r us threw up in my living room (granted my living room is small but still). My mil likes to buy the really large gift bags and then fill them up-we were finally able to convince her to fill them up with consumable things like diapers, wipes, pull-ups and while I realize those were not exciting for the kids-they were for us. But the things the kids did like that she also puts in there are special snack foods like the character fruit snacks and special cookies and candies because we don't have those in our house on a regular basis. She still gets them other things (read toys) but the boys were/are happy with the snacks as well and since they were so excited by it the first time she has continued. It is a win-win situation all around because she gets them alot but by January most of it is gone because they have eaten it

 

[disykat]

I have to sort of crack up at the people who think returning some of the gifts is an option (beyond babyhood anyway). I can't imagine a parent alive who'd want to be in the position of telling their child not to play with the toys Grandma gave him/her because they'd be returning them for cash to put in their college fund. That would really make Christmas memorable!

I really think you've got to make Grandma see reason before the kids see the gifts. Grandma knows she's got you cornered - and she's enjoying it.

 

[roseprincess]

Okay, I guess that is being harsh. But I swear it happens every year. DH mom is very generous at Xmas. I mean VERY generous. At least 1,000 on each grandchild. There has been many talk about how hard it is to teach your child values when "Mimi" is always buying gifts at the drop of a hat. When DH and I went on vacation a few weeks ago, DD got over 200.00 worth of stuff while she stayed there!!!! (She was only there 4 days!!) So, you can imagine how Xmas is...

Anyway, back to my point. Every year, my MIL starts shopping early. She swoops up everything that she possibly can for these kids that's in their age group. The tough part is that it leaves my mom and even us without anything to get our kids!! My dd is now starting to finally "get" Santa. She's been really excited about making a list, etc. Well, MIL asked "what is Maddie asking Santa for Xmas this year?" Guess what?!!?! DH told her!!! You guessed it, she then went out and bought everything. This would be nice if she then gave it to us or to "santa." But she keeps it for herself, and says it's all from her!!!

I swear MIL might as well be Santa Claus. Nobody else can even touch her, and the kids get more stuff there then they do from Santa, because Santa has nothing left to give them..."mimi" has swallowed it all up.

Okay, just had to vent...I should be used to this by now, but it still irks me every year. And no matter how many times we say something to her, she never listens.

Hi Mookie
I didn't have a chance to read everyone's replies. I think someone posted about exchanging MILs? I would love to do that,too, but with my mom Mookie, I would consider yourself blessed!! Really!
My side of the family and dh's family is totally the opposite. They don't like to spend money on gifts- period! The kids get a small amt. of toys from both sides of the family, but not much. My mom likes buying a couple of outfits of clothing for the kids for x-mas. Both sides of hte family are pretty frugal,as of gifts, etc. DH and I ARE Santa to our kids, we buy the more expensive toys, ie. Game Cube games, Nintendo DS games, etc. We cannot ask my parents or Dh's side to buy these type of things b/c they don't want to buy that sort of games, they say it's too expensive!! Ok a vent coming......
About almost 3yrs ago, on New Years Day 2004, My mom calls and wants to talk to the kids. She tells both my kids on hte phone(I'm listening on the other phone) that she wants to take them to Disneyworld! My kids all got excited. Well, I get my kids off hte phone and ask my mom, "you are actually treating all 4 of us to WDW"? She said," Oh, only maybe $100 of it, you have to pay the rest on your own"!!! I said,"mom, why are you giving the kids and us false hopes if you can't pay for most of it"? She said, " I didn't mean they are going this yr, I meant maybe 10 yrs down the road"!
I said," mom, don't tell the kids now, they think they are going now!"
Anyways, I was so furious with her, b/c she knew we couldn't afford to pay for the trip to WDW at that time on our own. DD was on social security disability benefits, based on DD's disability and income based. Anyways,to make a long story short, I racked my head for days to see what I can do to resolve this situation of false hopes from my mom . I did a Google search on Make-A-Wish, b/c I didn't know much about MAW at the time. I referred my DD for MAW, and she did get accepted for a wish!! So, our wish(mostly DD's wish) was to go to WDW!! We went in June 2004.

Anyways, Mookie, consider yourself BLESSED you have a family member that loves to spoil your kids and follows through!

 

[roseprincess]

Forgot to mention, the story/vent I just posted is a true story. This did happen! Obviously, my mom was so clueless how much a Disney trip costs(airfare, rental car, hotel,hopper passes, restaurants,etc.), as my parents hardly ever take vacations. The MAW trip for dd, ds, I, and dh was the first ever Disney trip for my kids!

Ok, back to regular programming.

 

[mookie]

Forgot to mention, the story/vent I just posted is a true story. This did happen! Obviously, my mom was so clueless how much a Disney trip costs(airfare, rental car, hotel,hopper passes, restaurants,etc.), as my parents hardly ever take vacations. The MAW trip for dd, ds, I, and dh was the first ever Disney trip for my kids!

Ok, back to regular programming.

Hi there Roseprincess!!!

Sorry I forgot to post an update on Cayden. It's so good that you keep me on my toes. Otherwise I'd be a really bad update poster!! He is doing great - the reflux is getting a bit better. We moved him last week (finally, at 4 1/2 mos!) out of his swing and into his crib...and so far he is sleeping fine. We met with the cardiologist last month, and it does appear that he has 2 holes in the lower ventricles, but the cardio is confident that they will close on their own. In the meantime though, he is a little labored in his breathing, but they said that should improve as he gets older. We have to see the dr every 2 mos until the hole closes, and if it doesn't by the time he is 2, we'll talk about other options at that time.

On another note, we did get a bit of a surprise, and I don't know if you saw any of my other posts, but we are expecting again. YIKES!! Bit of a surprise and one we weren't prepared for, but after having it sink in we are taking it in stride. The new baby has a due date of June 18th, and Cayden was born June 11th, so they will be just about a year apart.

Back to the topic at hand. I guess from all of these stories, we all have some trouble with the inlaws. I am a bit better now, and DH and I have talked about it, and we are going to try to see her this weekend, and tell her that anything that is on "Santa's" list from Madison that Mimi has already bought, we will pay for and take home with us so Santa can bring it for her. Should be interesting to see how much attitude she throws at us for "taking some of the gifts away," but oh well. DH is definitely on my side now, and hopefully will be able to handle the situation with his mother instead of me, since it is HIS MOTHER.

Should be interesting to see what happens. I'll be sure to keep you all posted!!! Thanks again for all the replies and stories, it helps to see all sides to the story, and it sounds like all of us DISers have one side or the other to vent about!!!

 

[hollyb]

Be mad at your DH for spilling the beans not at your MIL.

 

[roseprincess]

Hi there Roseprincess!!!

Sorry I forgot to post an update on Cayden. It's so good that you keep me on my toes. Otherwise I'd be a really bad update poster!! He is doing great - the reflux is getting a bit better. We moved him last week (finally, at 4 1/2 mos!) out of his swing and into his crib...and so far he is sleeping fine. We met with the cardiologist last month, and it does appear that he has 2 holes in the lower ventricles, but the cardio is confident that they will close on their own. In the meantime though, he is a little labored in his breathing, but they said that should improve as he gets older. We have to see the dr every 2 mos until the hole closes, and if it doesn't by the time he is 2, we'll talk about other options at that time.

On another note, we did get a bit of a surprise, and I don't know if you saw any of my other posts, but we are expecting again. YIKES!! Bit of a surprise and one we weren't prepared for, but after having it sink in we are taking it in stride. The new baby has a due date of June 18th, and Cayden was born June 11th, so they will be just about a year apart.

Thanks for the update on your little one, Cayden. I hope his small holes in his heart close soon! I'm glad he is doing a little better. Keep us posted on him from time to time.
Also, congratulations again on your pregnancy! I did respond to your "Irish Twins" thread a few days ago. Hope all goes well with your pregnancy You are one busy momma!!

Hope all goes well with talking to your MIL over this coming weekend.
Is it ok to ask, where does she get all this money to shower the kids with large amt.of gifts all the time? Is your FIL still living? If he is, what does he think of all this? Maybe you can ask your MIL instead of giving toys,money, etc., to give savings bonds for the children's college education? At least you can save up for college with the savings bonds. There is also that U-Promise thing, to save for college. I don't know much about it, but you can always research it
Take care