ARRGH! My MIL is a Xmas nightmare!!

[Shanan]

Sounds like her love language is gifts. I am a person whose love language is gifts - whether presents, cards, homemade items, etc. We do not have any kids so I would take my nephew to Toys R Us when he would spend the night with us and he lives in the same county. My sister finally asked me why did I do that. I told her that I enjoyed getting him a puzzle or game that we could play with together when he spent the night. My sister said that she felt that she was competing for her son's love and could not measure up to the gifts and money I spent on him. It was a surprise to me since I did not realize her position. Sister & her husband are on limited budget. I realized her position and don't buy something when nephew spends the night. Now his mom packs a game for us to "play" when he comes over.

I do agree with the other posters and tell kids to work on getting a WDW trip out of grandma.

 

[mookie]

I too would love this problem. I would let MIL buy everything, and I would give the kids money for their college fund.

This is a great idea in theory, but the bigger problem that we are having is that our kids are young right now, and so the things that they are vocalizing that they want are things that they want to ask "SANTA" for. Santa doesn't bring money for college...not much fun there!! I would definitely do that if they were older, but they aren't. The problem that we are having is that "mimi" is wanting to BE SANTA. So, where does that leave the big guy?

We have often told her that it's too much. We don't even let the kids have their stuff all at once, we spread it out over a period of time after Xmas. Not only that, but we have even told her that we will start giving some of the things to less fortunate kids.

The point for us right now is more that she is taking away from "Santa's duties." Because since she's bought everything, there is nothing else left to give. Not only that, but the kids don't NEED any more. It's sad to me that the kids are starting to look forward to going to her house more than waking up to Santa in the morning because they get more things...and that's not right.

 

[toesmom]

How terrible of you to think this way towards your mother in law. My MIL passed away when my dd was only 4, they had a wonderful relationship and always always bought her things because she was the grandmother and she could afford to. Well, she suffered massive heart attack and my dd will never know her as we all did, and my ds3 never met her.

So, you lady need to count your blessings. At least your husband's mother is alive and can form some sort of relationship with your kids. I can name many families whose grandparents are nowhere near as caring about the kids as yours seem to be. And for some people, caring is shown in the form of buying gifts (my mom is this way).

As others have said, if this is your biggest problem, then you must lead a wonderful life.

 

[LoriNSC]

MY MIL either buys something I've already bought or bugs my DH to find out what my DM is getting them, then buys whatever my DM bought. She does this every year for Xmas or B-days. I've starting lying to her about gifts they're getting.
Also, my MIL buys more for my DH's brother's kids because his brother is divorced and she feels sorry for his 2 kids.
I could go on & on about my MIL, but I'll stop. I just wanted you to know-I feel your frustration.

 

[rt2dz]

Okay, I guess that is being harsh. But I swear it happens every year. DH mom is very generous at Xmas. I mean VERY generous. At least 1,000 on each grandchild. There has been many talk about how hard it is to teach your child values when "Mimi" is always buying gifts at the drop of a hat. When DH and I went on vacation a few weeks ago, DD got over 200.00 worth of stuff while she stayed there!!!! (She was only there 4 days!!) So, you can imagine how Xmas is...

Anyway, back to my point. Every year, my MIL starts shopping early. She swoops up everything that she possibly can for these kids that's in their age group. The tough part is that it leaves my mom and even us without anything to get our kids!! My dd is now starting to finally "get" Santa. She's been really excited about making a list, etc. Well, MIL asked "what is Maddie asking Santa for Xmas this year?" Guess what?!!?! DH told her!!! You guessed it, she then went out and bought everything. This would be nice if she then gave it to us or to "santa." But she keeps it for herself, and says it's all from her!!!

I swear MIL might as well be Santa Claus. Nobody else can even touch her, and the kids get more stuff there then they do from Santa, because Santa has nothing left to give them..."mimi" has swallowed it all up.

Okay, just had to vent...I should be used to this by now, but it still irks me every year. And no matter how many times we say something to her, she never listens.

My parents spend a lot on my kids, and I have no problem with it. I don't mind my kids having a ton of stuff. It's not a big deal, as long as they appreciate what they are getting, take care of what they have and don't expect things. In which case, they are on target.

What they usually do though, is buy the pricey stuff. A game system, all the accessories and games. All the pirates of the Caribean toys; I mean, really, how fun is just one or two action figures--the ship, all the figures and a few of the other stuff is much better. The younger two are each getting a powerwheel vehicle this year; the littler one getting a 1-3 year one. I did try and talk them into a Disney vacation, but they wouldn't go for it as they get pleasure watching all 9 grandkids open their gifts.

Of course, my parents would never buy what they ask Santa for--that should come from Santa. But other than that, I don't care who buys my kids what. I don't need credit.

Maybe you could tell MIL, how dissappointing it would be if Santa didn't bring what Santa was asked for. She wouldn't want to ruin Christmas morning for your little one, would she?

We circumvent the big Christmas morning at my parents house easily. We do Christmas with my in-laws (who buy one modest gift per child) a couple of days prior to Christmas. Christmas eve they then open gifts from us. First thing in the morning is Santa. Then off to my parents house where the chaos ensues. My kids never compare what one gives to another; it is just the way it is. We don't feel a need to keep up with the Jones', and it leaves us money for other things--Vacations, museum/zoo memberships, etc.

You could probably do something like that. Then your DD would get the gifts she wants from Santa. You could tell your DD that Santa must not have been able to keep up with ALL those gifts from MIL while tracking all the naughty & nice boys & girls in the world. And don't tell Mimi, it might hurt her feelings.

Then you could return the extra gifts & put the money into a college fund, sell them on ebay, give to charity, set aside store credits for birthday gifts, whatever. You don't even need to tell MIL.

 

[mom2grace]

This is a great idea in theory, but the bigger problem that we are having is that our kids are young right now, and so the things that they are vocalizing that they want are things that they want to ask "SANTA" for. Santa doesn't bring money for college...not much fun there!! I would definitely do that if they were older, but they aren't. The problem that we are having is that "mimi" is wanting to BE SANTA. So, where does that leave the big guy?

We have often told her that it's too much. We don't even let the kids have their stuff all at once, we spread it out over a period of time after Xmas. Not only that, but we have even told her that we will start giving some of the things to less fortunate kids.

The point for us right now is more that she is taking away from "Santa's duties." Because since she's bought everything, there is nothing else left to give. Not only that, but the kids don't NEED any more. It's sad to me that the kids are starting to look forward to going to her house more than waking up to Santa in the morning because they get more things...and that's not right.

So can you do Santa before they see your MIL? I would insist on it, and it might teach MIL a lesson. I have lots of MIL issues (this is not one of them) and my kids are now 5 & 3. Now, my family (DH, kids, & me) come first, MIL just has to deal with it. But, it's imperative that DH is on your side, because if he's not, you're toast. Have a heart-to-heart with him. It took us a long time to get there, about 5 years to be exact!

I would let your kids keep 2 of the gifts from MIL, and give the rest to needy families in your community! If you start that now, your kids will get used to it and they will come to expect that they will be sharing their "riches"!

to you!

 

[Jaklackus]

deleted

 

[mookie]

How terrible of you to think this way towards your mother in law. My MIL passed away when my dd was only 4, they had a wonderful relationship and always always bought her things because she was the grandmother and she could afford to. Well, she suffered massive heart attack and my dd will never know her as we all did, and my ds3 never met her.

So, you lady need to count your blessings. At least your husband's mother is alive and can form some sort of relationship with your kids. I can name many families whose grandparents are nowhere near as caring about the kids as yours seem to be. And for some people, caring is shown in the form of buying gifts (my mom is this way).

As others have said, if this is your biggest problem, then you must lead a wonderful life.

Um, wow. Don't even know what to say to that. I'm not saying that we don't feel lucky to have her, give me break!!! I am not comparing her to if I would rather have her here with us or not....that is NOT the issue - far from it. I may argue with my DH, MIL, whoever, and I'm sure you've disagreed with someone in your life as well, but that doesn't mean that I am not GRATEFUL that they are here with me!!!

Two TOTALLY seperate issues. Please understand that. I do not appreciate being told that I am not happy that someone is still with us in life when that is completely untrue. My thoughts are pointed to a particular SITUATION...not as to wether I hate my MIL or not.

My opinion is that buying someone a lot of gifts is not the way to show that you love them. It just means that you like to buy them material things. If the only love a grandchild sees is that of a wrapped present, then that to me is not "Yeah! Grama is here!" but instead "Grama's here! What'd she bring me?"

 

[Shagley]

How terrible of you to think this way towards your mother in law. My MIL passed away when my dd was only 4, they had a wonderful relationship and always always bought her things because she was the grandmother and she could afford to. Well, she suffered massive heart attack and my dd will never know her as we all did, and my ds3 never met her.

So, you lady need to count your blessings. At least your husband's mother is alive and can form some sort of relationship with your kids. I can name many families whose grandparents are nowhere near as caring about the kids as yours seem to be. And for some people, caring is shown in the form of buying gifts (my mom is this way).

As others have said, if this is your biggest problem, then you must lead a wonderful life.

WOW - that is quite harsh. I'm very sorry that you lost your MIL who sounds like she was a great person, but it is not necessary to be so hard on the OP. She is entitled to be frustrated at her MIL. Just because you had a wonderful MIL and miss her dearly doesn't mean that everyone who has a living MIL can't be frustrated or annoyed by them at times. I really am sorry for your loss.

Also, to everyone who says that the OP should consider herself lucky that that her MIL buys her kids gifts are totally missing the point. I think it is more that the MIL is not honoring the OP's wishes about how she wants to handle Christmas that is more the problem rather than the material items that the MIL gives to the kids.

 

[fivefordisney]

I do understand exactly what you are talking about. And you are right, it has nothing to do with whether you love your MIL or not. I happen to love my MIL. She is very kind and thoughtful--she helped make my DH the awesome man he is today. However, she does overindulge my kids to the point that they expect a present every time they see her. I don't think she means to overindulge--I just think it's her way to show the kids that she loves them. Maybe there's a bit of wanting to be #1 in my kids eyes...but it comes from good intention. She often gets them their "best" presents at Christmas and on birthdays.

You are going to have to talk with you MIL about the situation. You may need to tell her that the kids may only open one of her presents on Christmas Eve and that the rest will have to wait until after Santa comes. Explain to her that you know how short the years with Santa truly are and that you need her help with the magic. That means NOT giving them everything before Christmas. Believe me, it's sad when they don't believe in Santa anymore. It takes some of the fun and magic away...they (and we) still love Christmas, but that total faith in Santa is just priceless.

Good luck. Try to remember that it most likely comes from good intention or insecurity about your kids' love for her...

 

[ferris198]

I have a DS 6, who has everything he could possibly want because of the generosity of family members and because he is the only male child. And while my husband and I are grateful for it, it can pose problems particulary at Christmas with people trying to outdo each other and buy the biggest most expensive item. For instance, a crane that was $100.00, that was used for a couple of days. A remote control helicopter that again was $100.00 was used only once or twice. he has gotten more use out of a $30.00 drum set from Toys R Us that my brother bought as he is on a limited budget.
A few years ago, my mother decided that my son had enough toys and she wasn't going to buy anymore. Now for his birthday and Christmas she buys him bonds.
We have explained to him that once he is an adult these bonds are his, and can be used for whatever he wants, whether it be a house, a car, or whatever.
He totally understands that and is excited by by it. My Mom always has the bonds framed so he can unwrap it, and then she buys him something small, a book, or a game that is fun. He tells his friends all about the bonds Gramma gives him and how when he grows up he is going to buy a Mustang Convertible just like hers.

 

[sk!mom]

Buy what Santa was going to and make sure the MIL does not see your DD until after Santa's and your Mom's presents have been opened. Then when DD gets a duplicate gift you can just return the one from MIL with the receipts from Santa and put the money into her savings account.

This is what I would do as well, if she wouldn't listen to reason when DH talked with her. As far as the rest of the gifts, I would just consider it a blessing that Dh and I didn't have to spend too much on Christmas since she bought everything they wanted. I don't actually have this problem though.

I agree with those who said that what you really have is a respect issue. Your MIL seems to refuse to respect your wishes. Quite frankly, DH and I would not put up with the lack of respect. Where is your Dh in all of this? My DH would have talked to his mom when the problem first occurred and it would have been worked out.

 

[Mrs.PrinceCharming]

I understand about the Santa thing, I really do. Your mother in law does sound controlling and manipulative but at least she does it in a nice way. While your mil may be an overactive Fairy Godmother, mine is Malificent and the Evil Queen incarnate.

 

[klfrech]

MIL needs to adhere to the wishes of the OP. End of discussion. This is her time to be Santa. Kids grow up so fast and we parents need to savor every minute. MIL had her turn! The issue is one of respect. Not who gets more, who gets less, whose MIL died...it's about respecting each other. That's the only way adults can get along. I think OP's MIL is selfish and inconsiderate. She only cares about how giving all this stuff to her grandchild makes her feel. She hasn't even considered what it may be doing to her grandchild. Overindulgent people (whether parents or grandparents) never see the big picture... it's always all about them. Then they wonder why we have a society of kids with no work ethnic and little appreciation for anything. Grandparents should be able to spoil...to a point (and with parental approval).

 

[It's A Happy Day]

Fortunately I have great inlaws all around. They spend about what your MIL spends on Christmas but with 1 BIG difference. All of their gifts are under our tree Christmas morning from Santa with anything my DH & I picked up - the neat thing about this is that it's kind of like Santa really did come because we don't konw what my inlaws got the kids. Whats important to them is the kids enjoy Christmas, not who gave what.

Is this a thing where she wants the kids to know GRANDMA did all this or is she trying to be Santa? If your MIL lives close by maybe you could speak with her and explain nicely that the kids don't look forward to Christmas morning because they know they'll get more from Grandma instead and this makes you sad not angry (even if that stetches the truth a little). Maybe all the gifts could be under the tree Christmas morning and could she spend the night in the guest room or come over bright & early for breakfast and present opening. If she's doing it because she wants Christmas to be about her then I would ask her if you could come over during Christmas vacation - several days after Christmas and celebrate with her because you really want the kids to enjoy Christmas Day opening Santas presents and playing with those gifts instead of rushing through presents in the morning, not being able to play with those things, and running around visiting.

 

[It's A Happy Day]

Buy what Santa was going to and make sure the MIL does not see your DD until after Santa's and your Mom's presents have been opened. Then when DD gets a duplicate gift you can just return the one from MIL with the receipts from Santa and put the money into her savings account.

Does MIL give gift receipts??? Hang on to yours just in case because you can return MIL gift with your reecipt if necessary.

the only flaw in this proposition is most of the time I don't get a receipt when people give my kids a gift (I'm reluctant to ask them for one) and stores will not give back money without one they will only issue a store credit and it is at the current sale price which may be less than what the item was purchased at. Also I know some retail stores will only refund the transaction the way it was made so unless MIL paid cash they will not give back cash. Alot of the times when my kids get duplicates I "buy" the item from them for the going rate and regift them to nieces and nephews - they are all at least 1 year younger than mine so nothing goes to waste.

 

[gottaluvdis]

MIL needs to adhere to the wishes of the OP. End of discussion. This is her time to be Santa. Kids grow up so fast and we parents need to savor every minute. MIL had her turn! The issue is one of respect. Not who gets more, who gets less, whose MIL died...it's about respecting each other. That's the only way adults can get along. I think OP's MIL is selfish and inconsiderate. She only cares about how giving all this stuff to her grandchild makes her feel. She hasn't even considered what it may be doing to her grandchild. Overindulgent people (whether parents or grandparents) never see the big picture... it's always all about them. Then they wonder why we have a society of kids with no work ethnic and little appreciation for anything. Grandparents should be able to spoil...to a point (and with parental approval).

Perfectly said! Some posters have missed the whole point. It's not about money, gifts, love for MIL or vice-versa. It's about respect and letting the parents take the lead on Christmas with their own children. Our DD9 is an only grandchild on DH's side, and those grandparents live 1500 miles away. We've had to deal with who gets her what for Christmas, but we always communicate ahead of time and work it out. They more than have the means, but understand that they aren't doing her any favors by over-spoiling her and most importantly, they respect our wishes.

 

[imsayin]

Grandparents should be able to spoil...to a point (and with parental approval).

I never gave approval to MIL to spoil my kids, and I would have found it disrespectful to place that parameter on her. IMO, a 70+ year old parent should not be asking permission to give my kid a cookie, present, etc. I found it easy to explain to the kids that something they do/get at grandma's is not the way it is at home. I don't think my kids will have "no work ethnic and little appreciation for anything" because of it.

 

[hollieplus2]

I understand what you are saying. I don't think you're being ungrateful and maybe those people who don't have grandparents that are willing to do that may resent you but you are entitled to your opinion. I would be very mad too. Not that she was spending money or spoiling the kids (that's what grandparents do) but because she is ruining your right as a parent to see your kids happy on x-mas morning because of santa and you. Christmas is all about seeing your kids light up and the excitement when they wake up knowing santa was there. What fun is it if santa didn't bring anything they wanted or their own parents didn't get them anything they wanted because grandma did it first. If I am raising my child, paying for my child, gave birth to my child, wiping up puke when they are sick then I should be able to have a say when it comes to x-mas. No one has the right to take that away from you. Christmas only comes once a year and they only believe in santa for so long, why would she want to take that away from you or them. She's only hurting herself in the long run. I see your point and agree with you completly. It's not that your ungrateful, you just want to be able to give your child a christmas. They are your children, not hers. She raised her kid her way and now it's your turn.

 

[wrldpossibility]

How terrible of you to think this way towards your mother in law. My MIL passed away when my dd was only 4, they had a wonderful relationship and always always bought her things because she was the grandmother and she could afford to. Well, she suffered massive heart attack and my dd will never know her as we all did, and my ds3 never met her.

So, you lady need to count your blessings. At least your husband's mother is alive and can form some sort of relationship with your kids. I can name many families whose grandparents are nowhere near as caring about the kids as yours seem to be. And for some people, caring is shown in the form of buying gifts (my mom is this way).

As others have said, if this is your biggest problem, then you must lead a wonderful life.

This is ridiculous. The OP has a ligitimate issue. It's about control and respect, as others have said, not about gifts. OP, I understand, because I have parents who do this to a lesser extent. My advice is to not let her override you like that. You should have control over what your kids receive. I would tell her in a serious conversation that you and DH decided each of your kids will get ONE nice gift from each family member this year (this way it's a general policy and not just toward her). She can buy what she wants (since your issue is the quantity, not the items, it sounds), with no limit, but only one per child. Since young children don't realize the cost of things, even if she buys an expensive item, if there's only one, your children will not feel overwhelmed or get spoiled by her. Then there will surely be items you can buy for Santa duty, etc.

If she ignores this, explain that all but one (each) of the toys will be stored away, then do it. Make sure your DH backs you up! Good luck!