Anyone Divorced with older children who don't get along with their dad?

[Puffy2]

I guess I'm seeking input from other divorced moms (or dads).

My two adult children really don't want to have much to do with their father. When they were young, he was a decent dad, but as they have aged and become more independent, they have made decisions that have disappointed him (even angered him) and that has made him a distant parent .

I'm talking about decisions like he didn't like their college major, or the fact that one chose to go to counseling and get tested for autism (surprise dad...she is, in fact, autistic! He really hated that one). They are great children, but he is constantly disappointed by them and they know this.

He rarely calls, he sometimes does come and take them to lunch, but they say he doesn't share anything about himself or ask questions about their lives. The last time I asked how was lunch, one responded "quiet". When the younger one graduated from college, he took her to dinner but he didn't come to the graduation and he didn't so much as give her a card or a flower. She called him last week and it took him 5 days to return her call.

I have always encouraged the kids to "call their dad", or "see him for lunch" but they are starting to resent me asking. They respond with "he doesn't call me" (not entirely true...he might once every three or four weeks, maybe). Or "why? I don't want to talk to him." To which I respond, "He's your father."

Yes, I want him to be a better father. and I suppose that is never going to happen. But it also saddens me to think that their relationship with him is so damaged. He's not evil...he's just a self absorbed jack ***. Isn't it important for them to maintain some sort of relationship even if it is occasional?

So what do other parents do ? How do I let this go? Or how do I deal with this? It really does upset me, apparently more than it upsets any of them.

 

[ronandannette]

I guess I'm seeking input from other divorced moms (or dads).

My two adult children really don't want to have much to do with their father. When they were young, he was a decent dad, but as they have aged and become more independent, they have made decisions that have disappointed him (even angered him) and that has made him a distant parent .

I'm talking about decisions like he didn't like their college major, or the fact that one chose to go to counseling and get tested for autism (surprise dad...she is, in fact, autistic! He really hated that one). They are great children, but he is constantly disappointed by them and they know this.

He rarely calls, he sometimes does come and take them to lunch, but they say he doesn't share anything about himself or ask questions about their lives. The last time I asked how was lunch, one responded "quiet". When the younger one graduated from college, he took her to dinner but he didn't come to the graduation and he didn't so much as give her a card or a flower. She called him last week and it took him 5 days to return her call.

I have always encouraged the kids to "call their dad", or "see him for lunch" but they are starting to resent me asking. They respond with "he doesn't call me" (not entirely true...he might once every three or four weeks, maybe). Or "why? I don't want to talk to him." To which I respond, "He's your father."

Yes, I want him to be a better father. and I suppose that is never going to happen. But it also saddens me to think that their relationship with him is so damaged. He's not evil...he's just a self absorbed jack ***. Isn't it important for them to maintain some sort of relationship even if it is occasional?

So what do other parents do ? How do I let this go? Or how do I deal with this? It really does upset me, apparently more than it upsets any of them.

Would it comfort you to know that this happens in intact families too? Their relationship with him is their relationship; it's between each of them individually and him - not a group dynamic. My DH and DS have had a very difficult time over the later years of DS's adolescence; neither are completely blameless in the conflicts or how they behave towards one another. They are currently very emotionally distant even while living under the same roof. I learned a while ago to stop trying to "stage manage" things between them although I do, from time to time, offer each of them whatever insight I have. That's about all you (or I) can do without alienating everybody. Tough, but none of them seem to be thanking you for your present efforts. Step back.

 

[sonnyjane]

No it's not important to maintain some type of relationship, and I hope you can accept that and stop pushing. I am not the parent but rather the child in this scenario. I love my dad, but we haven't seen each other in about 15 years, and he has never met or spoken to my husband. We talk every few months on the phone but that's that.

The only thing in this world you can control is YOUR relationship with your kids. I implore you to let them handle the situation the way they want. One of the most liberating discoveries I've made as an adult is that just because they are family doesn't mean you have to put up with crap.

 

[Puffy2]

This is all very good for me to hear. I'm a fixer....probably always will be, but I'm learning. Some things can't be fixed...at least not by me.

Years ago when my older daughter had a big blow up with her dad, months went by and she was really distant with him. He asked me about it and I told him flat out, "an apology from you would go a long way". Of course he completely ignored that and never apologized...and things have only gotten worse between them.

Thank you both for sharing.

"Would it comfort you to know that this happens in intact families too?" YES! Actually it does. Thanks.

 

[Disney Khaleesi]

Your children are adults and their relationship with their father is up to their discretion. As much as you may want to fix things, the best thing you can do is let them live their own lives and handle the situation as they see fit. You pushing so hard really only causes more issues than necessary. My mother and I do not get along, and it goes well beyond the normal teenage angst situation. My father has learned that bringing her up only causes a lot of hurt and anger that he doesn't want to deal with. As much as he may want us to go along, he's accepted that it is my choice and as far as I am concerned, it isn't going to happen. Him stepping back was the best thing he could do, and I think it may be the best thing for you, too.

 

[NMAmy]

My dd is 25 and has a strained relationship with her father. It seems to be getting better but I would never presume to interfere in that relationship or push her to have more contact with him. I'm available to advise (when asked) and to give comfort if he's being a jerk but that's it.

If your ex wants a good relationship with his children, that is on him and you can't make it happen or control it.

 

[jrmasm]

Your children are adults? It's none of your business. Stay out of it unless you are asked.

 

[BostonJP]

I think you've done all that you can (and based on how you describe him, you were right in divorcing him!). But remember that he drove the wedge between himself and his kids. Not you. He should be interested in fixing it. Not you. And if he's not.....

They are great children,

.... his loss.

 

[sailorstitch]

Another adult child here. My dad was always disappointed in me too. Trust me, it HURTS!

You want an example of something my dad did? He had me in 4-H when I was a kid. Of course I had to sign up for the categories that HE wanted me to do. The same thing happened every year at the 4-H fair. We'd go to see what kind of ribbons I won. He would compliment me on whatever I got. Then he would lead me over the the grand champion, point to it and say, "This is the kind of work that you need to be doing." I got a reserved champion once, but that still wasn't good enough for him.

My parents never divorced (although I wish they had) so there was no physical distance between me and my dad. We lived under the same roof until he went into the nursing home in 2011. He passed away last Nov. I'm going to be honest... I don't miss him.

Please, for the sake of you're children's mental health... back off.

sailorstitch

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I guess I'm seeking input from other divorced moms (or dads).

My two adult children really don't want to have much to do with their father. When they were young, he was a decent dad, but as they have aged and become more independent, they have made decisions that have disappointed him (even angered him) and that has made him a distant parent .

I'm talking about decisions like he didn't like their college major, or the fact that one chose to go to counseling and get tested for autism (surprise dad...she is, in fact, autistic! He really hated that one). They are great children, but he is constantly disappointed by them and they know this.

He rarely calls, he sometimes does come and take them to lunch, but they say he doesn't share anything about himself or ask questions about their lives. The last time I asked how was lunch, one responded "quiet". When the younger one graduated from college, he took her to dinner but he didn't come to the graduation and he didn't so much as give her a card or a flower. She called him last week and it took him 5 days to return her call.

I have always encouraged the kids to "call their dad", or "see him for lunch" but they are starting to resent me asking. They respond with "he doesn't call me" (not entirely true...he might once every three or four weeks, maybe). Or "why? I don't want to talk to him." To which I respond, "He's your father."

Yes, I want him to be a better father. and I suppose that is never going to happen. But it also saddens me to think that their relationship with him is so damaged. He's not evil...he's just a self absorbed jack ***. Isn't it important for them to maintain some sort of relationship even if it is occasional?

So what do other parents do ? How do I let this go? Or how do I deal with this? It really does upset me, apparently more than it upsets any of them.

You deal with this by not saying another thing to them about their dad. They will share things with you if they feel the need to do so.

In order for a relationship to exist both parties have to want a relationship.

So bottom line, do not ask them questions about their dad or encourage lunch dates. Let it go.

 

[bsblady01]

your kids are adults know, it's their choice if they want to talk to their dad. you need to stay out of it and let them deal with it on their own.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

You've received really good advice & comments here.

My advice is to continue to enjoy your relationship with your kids, and don't encourage them (nag) to try to improve their relationship with their father. I think it would be better for them if you are the safe haven where they can relax without additional pressures. If they don't feel that you're expecting more from them towards their father they'll be able to enjoy your relationship more.

You're a good mom.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Well, my parents aren't divorced, but I really have no interest in maintaining a relationship with my dad. Makes it awkward whenever mom hands the phone off to him. I usually just let him talk about himself, which he's usually happy to do. If I had my choice I wouldn't see him anymore (or expose my daughter to him), but I do still care for my mom, so it's a conundrum.

I think you need to stop thinking about this as a father-child dynamic. It's not anymore. It's an adult-adult thing. Do you encourage your kids to call their other adult acquaintances? Including the ones they don't really like? If not, then you should probably stop harping about their dad.

 

[eh24fan]

Oh wow do I understand where you are coming from on this one!! My 15 year old son has little to no relationship with his dad at this point. It makes me so sad because I believe a boy needs his father. My ex is self-absorbed and basically has shown his children that it's his way or his way. It's a long story, but I was wife #2, he had 3 children when we married, with 2 different women. After me there has been one legal wife, one long term live in girlfriend and now we are onto another one that I'm not sure about what they are...possible legal wife, possible "we say we are married but not legally." The kids (my son and his 2 older sisters) were basically ok with the wife after me (the one he cheated on me with), they LOVED the girlfriend after her (he cheated with her on wife number 3) and I love her too...we are still friends actually. But the kids want NOTHING to do with new wife/girlfriend (who he cheated with on live in girlfriend -- see a pattern???). Anyway, the point here is that he has no regard for how the kids have been affected and has just expected them to move on when he did.

Going even further, he has alienated our son to the point that he won't even call his dad back when he calls (which isn't very often) or text him back. This spring, my ex left our son's lacrosse game before it even started to go to a rugby practice for a rec league team. My ex and I had it out when he told me he was leaving early, my son just refused to even talk to his father afterwards and although that was several months ago, it put the final nail in the coffin as far as my son is concerned. It was the final straw. The newest girl? She came to the game and she even told my ex he shouldn't be leaving the game for the practice. While it may seem a bit trivial, it was just yet another instance of my son feeling as though his father does not make him a priority, so my son no longer makes a relationship with his father a priority. His birthday was the BIG final straw though. His father planned a dinner at a restaurant of HIS choosing, when my son said no, he wants to go somewhere else, it turned into a huge thing and they didn't go anywhere at all. At that point, I told my ex that I was no longer going to have his back on the relationship with his son. I didn't want to hear about it from him when our son refused to go somewhere, didn't call back etc.

My son is 15 and capable of making decisions for himself. I still encourage him to call his dad, see his dad, etc. But I can't force it. It really makes me sad. He needs his dad, even if he doesn't think he does. My husband is a fantastic stepdad, but still, not his dad.

 

[eh24fan]

This is all very good for me to hear. I'm a fixer....probably always will be, but I'm learning. Some things can't be fixed...at least not by me.

Years ago when my older daughter had a big blow up with her dad, months went by and she was really distant with him. He asked me about it and I told him flat out, "an apology from you would go a long way". Of course he completely ignored that and never apologized...and things have only gotten worse between them.

Thank you both for sharing.

"Would it comfort you to know that this happens in intact families too?" YES! Actually it does. Thanks.

I'm a fixer too!! I think that's one reason it pains me so much to see the distance between my son and his dad. My ex isn't an awful person, he is actually a really nice guy who is willing to help anyone. But as a husband/partner and recently, father, he has a lot of room for improvement. He is very selfish in many ways and refuses to budge when he has made a decision. He is stubborn, hard headed and doesn't want to admit when he is wrong...my son is a lot like his dad LOL

 

[deedeetoo]

My DH and I aren't divorced but he also has issues with the kids that sound very similar to what others have spoken about. He can't seem to have a conversation with the kids without it turning into criticism of something that they did wrong, or a lecture on something they should be doing. When he does spend time on something related to one of their activities it is based on what he wants, not what they want, and often causes problems for them. The kids tend to avoid him when they can. Like he gets home from work, and they head to their rooms. I have tried to mediate but now just stay out of it. I have told him that his relationship with the kids is between him and them and its not up to me to fix it. Dealing with the friction between DH and the kids is the major cause of stress in my life. I seriously wonder where this will go when they are adults.

 

[zoemurr]

So sorry.. another adult child of a dad who really just didn't care. My mom tried hard for us to have a relationship and he just wasn't in to it. Then he got remarried to someone much younger with a young daughter. He did lots of great "dad" things with her which made everything worse on my end but he just didn't get it.

Finally mom and I gave up. I didn't talk to him for 15 years and my children never knew him. He passed away last year and I did not attend the funeral. He never reached out to me in any way during that time.

Honestly, it was so much easier having no expectations and just being done. Otherwise every few months when I tried to talk to him it started all over again and was draining.

You sound like a great mom trying to keep it together.. but it's ok.. maybe better to just let it go.

 

[Lynne M]

This is all very good for me to hear. I'm a fixer....probably always will be, but I'm learning. Some things can't be fixed...at least not by me.

That's true, and I'd go even farther and say that some things shouldn't be fixed.

I've been blessed with two incredibly supportive parents, and I can't imagine how hurtful and damaging it would be for a child to grow up with a parent who's visibly, obviously disappointed in them. Your husband injured your children in ways you may not even realize. It sounds like he's still doing it.

If you push them to have a relationship with him, they may go along with it because they worry that they'll disappoint YOU if they don't. Even if they don't want to, even if it hurts them terribly and dredges up painful memories, they'll do it because they want to please you.

You already did your fixing - by leaving him, and by being a loving, supportive parent. Leave it there.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

My kids are adults now and have very little contact with their dad. I would say the older two have made more effort over the years - calling him, etc. - but they no longer bother. He just doesn't make any effort at all. I think they are sad that they don't have a loving, connected father in their lives but have made peace with the fact that he isn't going to change. As a PP said, it's easier to have no expectations.

 

[greentea]

Well, my parents aren't divorced, but I really have no interest in maintaining a relationship with my dad. Makes it awkward whenever mom hands the phone off to him. I usually just let him talk about himself, which he's usually happy to do. If I had my choice I wouldn't see him anymore (or expose my daughter to him), but I do still care for my mom, so it's a conundrum.

I think you need to stop thinking about this as a father-child dynamic. It's not anymore. It's an adult-adult thing. Do you encourage your kids to call their other adult acquaintances? Including the ones they don't really like? If not, then you should probably stop harping about their dad.

I'm in a similar situation -- parents are still married (but really shouldn't be) and if I want to see my mom or younger siblings (big age gap, some are still living there) I have to put up with him. But if I could never be around him again, I'd be happy. If I had kids, I wouldn't bring them around him because he says incredibly terrible things and always has to get the last word. I know the effect he's had on me, and I see the effect he's had and is having on my siblings, and it's terrible.

Like my brother was dealing with pretty severe depression and began going to therapy and trying antidepressants, so my dad screamed at him and bullied him until he stopped taking them. He has no respect for boundaries or anyone else's choices. I was shy and had social anxiety as a child and he would yell and bully me to try to "snap me out of it", which only made it worse. If I wasn't constantly smiling, he would yell at me for "being miserable" and "needing an attitude adjustment" and he still does this to a brother who lives at home. I call out his behavior and try to intervene on behalf of the people who still have to live with him, but he never changes.

I used to try to remember good things he's done and try not to think of him as all bad, but you know what? Those few good things don't outweigh the rest, and they don't cancel out the stress that comes from being around him. Luckily he almost never calls me, so I can avoid him unless I'm at their house to see my mom or at a family event. And my life is better for it. I would have been much better off if he'd divorced my mom years ago and cut contact. I feel like he only stayed because he's got this idea that he's such a better parent and didn't want my mom to have custody. I don't like him. I don't care about him.

It's frustrating when my mom defends him, so I try to avoid talking about him in her presence. It would be more frustrating if she was constantly trying to get me to call him or have a relationship with him. If she did that, it would probably result in me pulling back from her more than anything, which I don't want to do at this point.