Disney Information Station Logo

Go Back   The DIS Discussion Forums - DISboards.com > Just for Fun > Community Board
Find Hotel Specials & DIScounts
 
facebooktwitterpinterestgoogle plusyoutubeDIS Updates
Register Chat FAQ Tickers Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read


Reply
 
Thread Tools Rate Thread Display Modes
Old 02-15-2005, 09:14 AM   #1
transparant
Oh say does that star-spangled banner yet wave, O'er the land of the free, and the home of the brave
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where there are no Palm Trees :(
Posts: 7,444

Do any of you adults have parents that show favoritism towards your siblings(longpost

I'm kind of depressed right now. I'm the oldest of 4 girls. My parents are still quite young - dad's 55 and mom is 54.

As most of you already know - I have 6 children. Their ages are 14, 13, 11, 8, 6, & 4. Two out of my 3 sister's have children also. One sister has 2 kids, and the other has 3.

The thing that has been bothering me is this - There have been times when I call my mom to see if she can stop by to watch my younger children. It's never for me to "go food shopping" or "get my nails done". It's usually because I have a client in labor, and I need to leave, or I have a Dr.s appt. or something. My mom doesn't work and she lives 5 minutes away. I called her the other day to see if she could come over to watch the little ones until my husband got home from work - (I had to get to the hospital to be with a client). She would have only been here for maybe an hour and a half. She told me she couldn't because she "had to go to the gym"!!! Thank goodness my husband works 10 minutes away and always comes home if I need him too.

Now....whenever my sisters (one sister in particular) ask's her to watch HER kids - she drops everything. My sister can ALWAYS count on my mother to be there and help her. This really has been hurting me lately. I can't imagine helping one of my children and not helping another if they need it.

I've also called my mom numerous times only to find out that both of my sisters are there with their families having dinner. Mom has never invited my family for dinner.

My parents go to see my nieces soccer games and watch my other nieces dance practices - but never come to my kids sporting events. (dad sometimes does - but mom never does). My son Steven had a championship football game back in the fall and he really wanted them to come - my mother said "no, I don't like football". Well can't she stick it out to see her grandson play in a really important game?!?!

My husband says to just let this go - that they will never change. We've been battling this for years. But still...every time I hear that my mother is helping one of my sisters - it literally hurts my heart! My kids are just as important and love their grandparents just as much as my sisters kids do!

What are your thoughts on this - if any?
transparant is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-15-2005, 09:24 AM   #2
MosMom
Damn you, you wretched clown!
McDonald's gives me the poots
Saved Jack Bauer from a tornado!
Dreads the "Theater Fart"
 
MosMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: San Pomme De Terre
Posts: 10,916

The going to see games and excluding you from dinner thing is awful but the babysitting thing may have to do simply with you having 6 children. How many kids does your sister have? Babysitting 6 kids would wear me out! Even daycares have a 5 to 1 ratio!

I think you should talk to your mom. Maybe she doesn't even realize that she has hurt you.

My mom blatantly favors my younger brother. She always has even though she always denied it. When I turned 16, I got a Geo Tracker. Granted, I was VERY GRATEFUL to have a car and thought I was very lucky. Fast forward to my brother turning 16...he got a BRAND NEW BMW! Because "she didn't want him to hurt himself in an accident".

When I was a new young mom and we didn't have much she was getting rid of an older cell phone. It was winter and I had a newborn, however, she felt my 6'3 brother needed the phone more than me.

He FLUNKED out of high school and she bought him 2 new computers so he could "home school" which included playing video games all day. It is a miracle the man now has a good job.

I did bring it up to my mom when we were still speaking and she denied it vehemently.

Oh well! What can you do? You can let her know how you feel and then leave it up to her to make changes. It stinks though and it hurts.
__________________
MosMom is offline   Reply With Quote
|
The DIS
Register to remove

Join Date: 1997
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 1,000,000
Old 02-15-2005, 09:25 AM   #3
danacara
Parlez-vous Francais?
Likes things huge (I know what you're thinking and it's not that!)
 
danacara's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: NYC
Posts: 6,059

I guess my initial question is,
What is your hypothesis about what is really going on here?
You must have some theories as to why your mother is this way.
A couple that I might guess, off the top of my head:
> Does she like your husband?
> Has it always been this way? Do you feel like she favored your sister[s] during your own childhood?
> Is there a money issue? Do either of your sisters have more, or support her in any way financially, or have a home that she loves, or anything like that?
> Is this her way of saying that she doesn't agree with your decision to have six kids?
> Are your sister's kids older, "easier for her to handle?"
> Have you ever had a huge fight with her?

There's really no justification for her excluding you from dinners or several of the other things you mention. That's just hurtful on her part. But the babysitting: to be utterly honest, I know that being a doula is your profession, and part of your profession is that you need a find a way to consistently cover your household and pay someone to watch your kids when you need to be out of the house. It's not fair to tap your mother last-minute to watch a 6-year-old and a 4-year-old because you need to go to work. The downside to midwifery is erratic hours, so you need to adjust for that by having an on-call babysitter that you pay.
danacara is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-15-2005, 09:35 AM   #4
Crankyshank
love the happy bunny
We were licking our own bottles to prevent the germ freaks from stealing stuff
I have much love for Mr Clean and his magic eraser
 
Crankyshank's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 10,534

Absolutely! My brother is the eldest grandson and is blatantly favored by my Mother and my Grandmother. My sister is also favored because she's the youngest and is the epitome of what my parents want in a daughter (blonde, thin, smart, funny, athletic, popular)

It still really bothers me sometimes, especially regarding my brother. Thanks to lots and lots of therapy I was really able to get past most of my resentment and self-esteem issues that the favoritism caused. My Mother denies any preferential treatment but it's obvious to a lot of people it's there.

Honestly? there's really nothing you can do other than tell her how you feel. Even then it's not a guarantee that the problem will be fixed. You need to pretty much look within and decide why you are letting something that can't be changed bother you and whether or not it's better for you to do something about it or let it go and move on.
__________________
~Jenn
Crankyshank is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-15-2005, 09:39 AM   #5
disneyfanatic60
DIS Veteran
 
disneyfanatic60's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Buffalo, NY
Posts: 838

We have the same problem with my Husband's Mother. We have the oldest two Grandchildren. My SIL's oldest is a year younger than my youngest. Her children have been blatentantly spoiled rotten. I'm sorry to put it that way but there is no other way to say it. Neither of us live in the same area as my MIL. I can count on one hand the number of times my MIL has come here (BTW--she grew up and spent most of her adult life in our area) to see my children. However, she spends every single Holiday with the other grandchildren including their birthdays. If she doesn't drive to see them, she pays for them to fly to her. She's taken them on cruises, vacations, etc. footing the entire bill. This isn't about the money, it's taking the time to enjoy your children and grandchildren.

My kids are now 21 and 17 and they've seen this their whole life. She has missed out their lifes. They are wonderful young adults. They never once complained despite knowing how differently they were treated. They do get the Xmas, Birthday gifts and cards on every holiday with $5 in them. My MIL thought that was a "substitution" for her spending time with them.

It doesn't stop with my Grandchildren. My DH is her youngest. She's had a distant relationship with him (but loving) most of his life. Her middle son (who has no kids) is her fav and she makes that very clear.

My MIL has been ill (Parkinson's/demensia). Last week we rec'd. a call that she was very ill and had taken a turn for the worse. Her doctor's called in the immediate family. We rushed to get on a plane to Florida to be with her. As I was making flight arrangements, my DH rec'd. a call from her. She had called to say goodbye. One of the first things she said was "I'm so very sorry I was never there for you or your family. I was wrong!" I feel sad for her. I guess she realized this a little too late.

My heart goes out to you and what you are going through. It's so very difficult to deal with. Let's hope she will someday (soon) realize what she is doing.
disneyfanatic60 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-15-2005, 09:42 AM   #6
tiggersmom2
Can think for herself
I have the HOTTEST husband!
we can't have dingleberries
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: The Heart of DIXIE!
Posts: 8,623

My mother has always favored my brothers. When I was young.....I was kinda gawky and not all that pretty....she never let me forget it.

I decided to put it behind me and I use all the hurt from my childhood to be a better parent. I can promise that MY children will NEVER feel that inadequacy or hurt.
tiggersmom2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-15-2005, 09:43 AM   #7
Blondy876

The Tag Fairy stopped by to rest it's wings in my Tag!
Slows 'em down with hairspray
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: South Jersey - so south I'm almost in Delaware
Posts: 3,147

Boy do I know how that feels. My younger sister and my mother are really tight. They talk on the phone severel times a day, mom drops by her house all the time (I only live 1 block from each of them), go shopping together etc. Several years ago when my sister and her dh were looking for a new place to live my mother bought a house, fixed it up and "rents" it to them. Rents is in quotes because they only pay rent when they feel like it. Whenever they need anything my mother is right there writing out the check. They needed a new mattress, next day they had one. The washer broke, next day they had a new one. Diswasher wasn't working so great, two days later they had a new one. Didn't like the old refirgerator, they got a new one. My sister doesn't work, her husband makes about $27,000 a year. They are on WIC and food stamps and are over $25,000 in debt. But they never want for anything because of our mother. Our mom also takes my sister grocery shopping every week and buys them groceries.

My dh and I bought our money pit about a year ago and my Mom surprised us with a check for $1000.00 as a house warming gift. Since she never gives us anything I was really touched until she said "$500 of that is your gift but the other $500 is a loan that you need to pay back." I gave it back to her then and there.

I have two children myself and I cannot imagine treating them as differently as my mother treats my sister and I.
Blondy876 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-15-2005, 09:44 AM   #8
transparant
Oh say does that star-spangled banner yet wave, O'er the land of the free, and the home of the brave
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where there are no Palm Trees :(
Posts: 7,444

Quote:
Originally Posted by danacara
I guess my initial question is,
What is your hypothesis about what is really going on here?
You must have some theories as to why your mother is this way.
A couple that I might guess, off the top of my head:
> Does she like your husband?
> Has it always been this way? Do you feel like she favored your sister[s] during your own childhood?
> Is there a money issue? Do either of your sisters have more, or support her in any way financially, or have a home that she loves, or anything like that?
> Is this her way of saying that she doesn't agree with your decision to have six kids?
> Are your sister's kids older, "easier for her to handle?"
> Have you ever had a huge fight with her?

There's really no justification for her excluding you from dinners or several of the other things you mention. That's just hurtful on her part. But the babysitting: to be utterly honest, I know that being a doula is your profession, and part of your profession is that you need a find a way to consistently cover your household and pay someone to watch your kids when you need to be out of the house. It's not fair to tap your mother last-minute to watch a 6-year-old and a 4-year-old because you need to go to work. The downside to midwifery is erratic hours, so you need to adjust for that by having an on-call babysitter that you pay.

It's not because I have 6 kids. When I need her to watch them - the older one's are usually in school. So she basically only has to watch the 4 & 6 year old (sometimes only the 4year old if Isabel is in school too). Even when the older one's are at home - they are off doing their own thing. They are 14, 13, and almost 12 - they really don't need "babysitting" much anymore.

Does she like your husband? - she LOVEs him. As a matter of fact, my husband has helped my mom and dad TREMENDOUSLY! My dad lost his job 2 years ago, and my husband hired him (just to help them - my dad knows NOTHING about floor installation which is my husbands business). My husband helped them out financially big time!

> Has it always been this way? Do you feel like she favored your sister[s] during your own childhood? Yes it has. Mom never went to my games as a kid, but ALWAYS went to my sister's dance recitals. She claims it's because she just doesn't like sports.

> Is there a money issue? Do either of your sisters have more, or support her in any way financially, or have a home that she loves, or anything like that? Nope.

> Is this her way of saying that she doesn't agree with your decision to have six kids? I sure hope not. If it is...she doesn't have to deprive my kids from a relationship with her.

> Are your sister's kids older, "easier for her to handle?" No...my sister's kids are all younger than my own. Quite "high maintenance" I might add as well.

> Have you ever had a huge fight with her? Yes I have - but so have my sisters. Nothing that has ever or would ever make me not want to have her in my or my childrens life though.
transparant is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-15-2005, 09:46 AM   #9
cynsaun
DIS Veteran
 
cynsaun's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 7,413

Quote:
Originally Posted by tiggersmom2
My mother has always favored my brothers. When I was young.....I was kinda gawky and not all that pretty....she never let me forget it.

I decided to put it behind me and I use all the hurt from my childhood to be a better parent. I can promise that MY children will NEVER feel that inadequacy or hurt.
That is horrible! I'm sorry you had to go through that, but I commend you on getting past it and using it to better raise your children.

I am an only child, so I go all my parents attention. I also got all my extended family's attention until I was 12 on one side and 15 on the other. Blasted cousins!
__________________
cynsaun is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-15-2005, 09:47 AM   #10
transparant
Oh say does that star-spangled banner yet wave, O'er the land of the free, and the home of the brave
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where there are no Palm Trees :(
Posts: 7,444

Quote:
Originally Posted by tiggersmom2
My mother has always favored my brothers. When I was young.....I was kinda gawky and not all that pretty....she never let me forget it.

I decided to put it behind me and I use all the hurt from my childhood to be a better parent. I can promise that MY children will NEVER feel that inadequacy or hurt.

How sad. I know the feeling. I was all of 110 pounds in high school and 5' 10" - my mom would occasionally say things like "Your pants are starting to look a little tight - getting chubby are we?"
transparant is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-15-2005, 09:47 AM   #11
chobie
Fish are friends, not food
My beautiful, smart, awesome daughter changed my tags!
Would you please stop making my head hurt today?
 
chobie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: 3 hours from wdw!
Posts: 9,311

Yes. It still hurts no matter how old you get especially when they take the favoritism to the next generation by favoring one set of grandkids over another.

Your allowed to feel the way you feel, there is often no rationale behind why one kids is favored over another or scapegoated it just happens.
chobie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-15-2005, 09:54 AM   #12
NMAmy
Can speak food in German
He seemed so normal when I met him
It's not like I'm getting any special sanitation type service
I'm old school-I like my cartoon rodents to be mice
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Lansing, MI
Posts: 15,246

Well, here's another one. Glad to see that I'm not the only one.

My mom has always favored my youngest sister. My mom was the youngest in her family so she always figures that the older sister has to be the one that is causing problems. My sister is in her late 30's and has just gotten her doctorate (in psychology of all things!) and cannot get along with anyone in the family or her outside life except my mom. And Mom keeps right on defending her and thinks that everyone is jealous of her because she has a Ph.D. Yes, she worked hard for her doctorate but she has alienated everyone who ever tried to get close to her. My 26 yo niece refuses to even speak to her anymore, as do I.

When my father was dying, she came from out of town to be with us and take turns sitting with him at the nursing home. One evening, I got a panicky call from my older sister saying that she was on her way into town because they thought my dad was going to die that night. She lives an hour and a half away--I lived 10 minutes away. My sister and my mom never called me. You should have seen the looks on their faces when I turned up at the nursing home. I haven't spoken to my sister since my dad died although I have forgiven my mom. It's not worth the stress it causes me.

My mother has admitted and apologized for being a pretty crappy parent to me but continues favoring my sister. My dad was able to get her to tone it down by pointing out to her what she was doing but since his death, it's been really difficult. She has been making more of an effort, though.

Sorry this is so long--it's a sore point with me. I've realized there's not much you can do except let it go and try not to let it effect your life. I've just learned to accept that this is the way our relationship is.
NMAmy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-15-2005, 09:56 AM   #13
transparant
Oh say does that star-spangled banner yet wave, O'er the land of the free, and the home of the brave
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where there are no Palm Trees :(
Posts: 7,444

Quote:
Originally Posted by NMAmy
Well, here's another one. Glad to see that I'm not the only one.

My mom has always favored my youngest sister. My mom was the youngest in her family so she always figures that the older sister has to be the one that is causing problems. My sister is in her late 30's and has just gotten her doctorate (in psychology of all things!) and cannot get along with anyone in the family or her outside life except my mom. And Mom keeps right on defending her and thinks that everyone is jealous of her because she has a Ph.D. Yes, she worked hard for her doctorate but she has alienated everyone who ever tried to get close to her. My 26 yo niece refuses to even speak to her anymore, as do I.

When my father was dying, she came from out of town to be with us and take turns sitting with him at the nursing home. One evening, I got a panicky call from my older sister saying that she was on her way into town because they thought my dad was going to die that night. She lives an hour and a half away--I lived 10 minutes away. My sister and my mom never called me. You should have seen the looks on their faces when I turned up at the nursing home. I haven't spoken to my sister since my dad died although I have forgiven my mom. It's not worth the stress it causes me.

My mother has admitted and apologized for being a pretty crappy parent to me but continues favoring my sister. My dad was able to get her to tone it down by pointing out to her what she was doing but since his death, it's been really difficult. She has been making more of an effort, though.

Sorry this is so long--it's a sore point with me. I've realized there's not much you can do except let it go and try not to let it effect your life. I've just learned to accept that this is the way our relationship is.
It's hard - I know.
transparant is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-15-2005, 10:02 AM   #14
danacara
Parlez-vous Francais?
Likes things huge (I know what you're thinking and it's not that!)
 
danacara's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: NYC
Posts: 6,059

I'm honestly puzzled. Given that your husband bailed them out financially, given that she adores him, given that the sister has children who are younger than your own ... what justification did she possibly give you for not inviting your family to the dinners? Do you feel like she just truly favored your sisters from the day they were born?
danacara is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-15-2005, 10:11 AM   #15
minniepumpernickel
DIS Veteran
I watch the kelp forests in The Monteray aquarium.
Is my work ever done here? Don't I even get a break on enlightening the masses
 
minniepumpernickel's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2001
Posts: 6,735

Quote:
Originally Posted by tiggersmom2
My mother has always favored my brothers. When I was young.....I was kinda gawky and not all that pretty....she never let me forget it.

I decided to put it behind me and I use all the hurt from my childhood to be a better parent. I can promise that MY children will NEVER feel that inadequacy or hurt.
The more that I learn about you, the more that I realize what a good person you have become.

I am so different from all of my siblings that I felt like I must be hatched from aliens, or something. In some ways, I always felt that my parents bonded better with my brothers and sisters, but I don't think that they were openly conscious of this.
minniepumpernickel is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply



Thread Tools
Display Modes Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Adults and Solo Trips Central ** Updated 5/8/07 Margie J Disney for Adults and Solo Travelers 528 12-23-2014 05:50 PM
Guide to Universal rhysd2 UK Trip Planning Forum 26 06-27-2005 08:36 AM
3 Single Ladies Do Orlando nursemelis374 Completed Trip Reports 2 02-04-2005 08:00 PM
Inspired by the Parent's late thread--How about parents that make their kids do sport Katie Community Board 22 01-14-2005 01:29 PM
Any Therapeutic Foster Parents or Foster Parents? 2angelsinheaven Community Board 9 12-02-2004 04:43 PM

facebooktwitterpinterestgoogle plusyoutubeDIS Updates
GET OUR DIS UPDATES DELIVERED BY EMAIL



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:04 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.

Copyright © 1997-2014, Werner Technologies, LLC. All Rights Reserved.

You Rated this Thread: