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Old 02-03-2005, 01:33 AM   #1
Papa Deuce
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Would you at least CONSIDER adoption under these circumstances?

I'm "fixed".... no more kids here. I guess I would have liked to have had a son, but instead I have twin girls who I love more than I ever thought that I could love. ( that doesn't mean that they don't also drive me nuts, and I am not a patient man ).

My wife, from time to time, asks me if we could adopt a boy. I always say "no". And my reasoning is this: I TRULY don't believe I would love this boy as much as the ones that I helped create.

And, I really don't want the added expense, though we certainly could afford another child.

Should I at least consider it under these circumstances?

I feel real strong about the "love" part.
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Last edited by Papa Deuce; 02-03-2005 at 01:43 AM.
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Old 02-03-2005, 01:45 AM   #2
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Interesting question. I have a "fixed" husband too (I'm sure he appreciates me sharing that) and I really always wanted another child. Because of health issues & a very hard miscarriage, we never tried again. We're both in our mid-40's now & are probably more at the stage now to just start looking forward to grandchildren - but not in the next 10 years!

The "love" part I can relate to also. When I was expecting our younger dd, I really was worried that I would never be able to love her like I loved my first child. I just couldn't imagine that my heart could love anybody like that again. Lo and behold, about 3 seconds after dd#2 was born all of those feelings were there.

Since you are a parent of twins, both of yours arrived together & you felt all that love all at the same time. Probably seems unfathomable that it could happen again. But I bet it could! If your wife really wants another one, I think you should do some soul searching. I'll really wish we had one more in our family.
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Old 02-03-2005, 02:02 AM   #3
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If you had a baby boy arrive into your life, no matter the circumstances....you would fall in love with him too. Even a toddler...you'd love him if he let you. The bonds of being a parent transend the bonds of blood. Anyfool can make a kid, it takes a real live person to parent a child. If you wanted to...you'd be over the moon.
Hubby and I are both fixed. Not looking to adopt anyone....if another child came into our lives, no matter the circumstances...we'd be us, do what we can and try to raise a resonsible, caring, happy adult.
Guage your wife's wish....if she's really into it...consider it. Even if you're a bit standoffish with the boy, wouldn't that be better than no daddy?
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Old 02-03-2005, 02:07 AM   #4
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This is tough and something that should be given MUCH thought, as I'm sure you know that. Basically only you and your wife know what is best, but I know from close experiences (I have many friends who have adopted after having a biological child) and even our own family's personal experience (there is no doubt that Lynn loves Emily as much as I do and she's not biologically her's) that genes do not make you love someone. My sister and BIL (have 2 bio girls) and have discussed this exact scenerio. My BIL seems to be the one that's more ready and willing, while my sister has expressed some of your exact concerns. Good luck to you in this exciting and heartfelt decision.
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Old 02-03-2005, 02:11 AM   #5
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My DH is adopted and would love to adopt a child - I however LOVE being pregnant (which is odd since my pregnancies were horrible) and the amazement that I created that human being inside of me -

so I have the same fear you have - we have tabled the discussion for a while - we aren't sure if we will have more or how -

but something tells me that if someone put a child in my care and I was their only hope in this world - I would get wrapped right around their little fingers!!

the thing I struggle with more than that - is that is seems unfair for us to adopt a healthy child when we are perfectly capable of having our own and I am not strong enough to adopt a child with problems - I think it would be unfair to Julia and Nick at this stage of the game - maybe when they are older
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Old 02-03-2005, 02:27 AM   #6
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Quote:
Guage your wife's wish....if she's really into it...consider it. Even if you're a bit standoffish with the boy, wouldn't that be better than no daddy?
OMG, no! I totally disagree with the above. I think adoption is a wonderful thing, but I wholeheartedly think that BOTH parents should be equally and totally comfortable with the decision. It is unfair to the adopted child, the biological children, the parent who wanted to adopt and the parent who is 'unsure' if things do not work out as planned. And then it is too late to go back on the deal.

An adopted child deserves more than a 'standoffish' parent, even if the other is totally accepting. To be honest, no adoption agency is going to place a child with you if you told them you are unsure you would be able to love and accept them totally. Nor should they.

PD, maybe you would be surprised and would love an adopted boy just as much as your DDs, but if you have reservations you should not adopt at this time. An adoptive child needs both parents to open their hearts completely. If you think there is a possibility that you would treat your DDs differently, please do not take that risk right now. Maybe after some thought, you will feel differently. If so, great! If not, well then it is not meant to be.

I just think it is too important a decision to make on 'maybe'. You both should be absolutely sure. Good luck whatever you decide.

To answer your question: if I or my DH felt the same way as you described...I would not consider it.

Last edited by poohandwendy; 02-03-2005 at 02:37 AM.
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Old 02-03-2005, 02:42 AM   #7
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I should have clarified as to how I knew why you'd love the little guy....
I never wanted a daughter. Girl children frighten me. Then I had one of them three years after my son, the font of patience was wrought. She scared me. I looked into her eyes and saw my torment in 13 years. Months, even a year, year and a half passed. Things changed. I changed, she changed. Every day she made me love her. Everyday she made her daddy's heart melt. Then she lost all the language skills she had. She didn't have much, but normal for the age. Then gone....took us another 18 months to find a ped who said "maybe autism. Go to a nuerologist." We did, and got a diagnosis. Not something we wanted. Not what we wanted. Not what we dreamed. Not what we expected, nor what we wanted for our son....should it come to him overseeing her care. We DO NOT love her any less. She is no less our daughter, than any other girl born in her place. If you fadored and adopted a child who was autistic...developed symptoms at 18 months..would you "give it back"? If it's a child you gave birth to, should you have that option? If a child came into your life.....you couldn't love him?
Talk to your wife....find out how big her desire for this is. If she really wants it...you will adore that kid, you won't be able to help yourself. Don't worry about it...it's not worth the time. If it happens, you will love him. If it never happnes, make sure your girls KNOW they're loved. Blood is red but love isn't bound by anything.

julia and nicks mom, just read your response. You make some great points. I guess my main one was even with biologic kids, there are no guarantees. A boy with NO parents would most likely be better off in a fmaily with one stand-offish but good parent rather than none at all. I think perhaps we have different points of view and maybe a different idea of where the boy in question may be from. (I was thinking a non-US born boy who needs a family......not that it matters that much.)

Last edited by Rowena; 02-03-2005 at 02:49 AM. Reason: response without a bumpity
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Old 02-03-2005, 03:14 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowena
julia and nicks mom, just read your response. You make some great points. I guess my main one was even with biologic kids, there are no guarantees. A boy with NO parents would most likely be better off in a fmaily with one stand-offish but good parent rather than none at all. I think perhaps we have different points of view and maybe a different idea of where the boy in question may be from. (I was thinking a non-US born boy who needs a family......not that it matters that much.)
I hope that you didn't interpret my post that I would not love a child who was not perfect!

I totally understand that there are no guarantees on the health of your child - and if God chose to give me a child with problems - I would be the best mom I could and not love that child any less - but I know in my heart that I am not a strong enough person to say - bring it on - I really admire people who choose to adopt a child with problems. At this point I do not think it would be fair to Julia and Nick - I barely feel that I can give them the attention they need! Julia has a slight speech delay and it is a lot of work!! I can't imagine the strength, energy and patiend that it takes for a child with bigger challenges.

Also - I know most people seem to do oversea adoptions now - but personally I feel the expense involved in an oversees adoption would again be unfair to Julia & Nick - although I really have no idea how much an adoption in the US costs

I advocate adoption 100% and totally admire people who open their homes to children who need love - my DH's life was literally saved at the age of 8 when his parents adopted him -

He truly feels he owes someone for that - and I hope that someday it is within our means to do so - but luckily we both agree that at this stage in our lives - Julia and Nick are all we can handle!
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Old 02-03-2005, 03:31 AM   #9
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I understand your feelings Papa Deuce. Dh and I always planned on 3-5 kids. After number 2 I was told I couldn't have any more (due to life threatening pg complications for me and baby). So Dh is fixed. Now that my friends have begun having their 3rd child, its been on our minds more. Their are two things that make me hesitate to adopt. I know without a doubt i could love any child brought into this home. What i don't know is how I would feel as the child grows. I know I would have a very hard time with an open adoption (even though I think those are healthiest for the child involved). I also know it would kill me to have the child I'd loved and been a mother too, to go searching for their birth mother. I think this would be so hard. I think the benefits of having that child in my life would probably outweigh those circumstances but these are the things I worry about. The other thing is my IL's are strangely very against adoption. I have no clue why as my FIL's father was adopted by a wonderful family and it was a great experience for him and for my FIL (they were his grandparents). In most cases I would and have told them to go to hell over something so ridiculous. But in this case they have made it clear that an adopted child would not be subject to the same inheritance as our birth children. Dh has not touched his trust fund, and we've always lived by our own means (so as not to live under their control and to raise our kids with the right priorities not the IL'S misguided ones). But we've always known that we could pass that money onto our kids. Its a nice feeling knowing our kids will never have to worry about money should they chose that life. We have not yet determined how, or when they will be told or given access to the money (enough for them to retire at 18 if they wanted), but how could we allow 2 children to get this money and not another? We will be able to control how our kids get the money and limit funds etc, but not who gets it, so the IL's could really not give it to an adopted child if they so deemed. They are not the type to change their minds once its set either. Again I think the benefits of the child outweigh and sum, if it was my money this would not be a factor. But its hard to make the decision with your childs money and not knowing what life has in store for them.
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Old 02-03-2005, 03:47 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Papa Deuce

My wife, from time to time, asks me if we could adopt a boy. I always say "no". And my reasoning is this: I TRULY don't believe I would love this boy as much as the ones that I helped create.

And, I really don't want the added expense, though we certainly could afford another child.



I feel real strong about the "love" part.

and I feel very strong about my response....

DO NOT ADOPT ANY CHILD.... UNLESS YOU CAN OPEN YOUR HEART UNCONDITIONALLY TO THAT CHILD...

I am happy that you have children that you love. Adopting a child.. is not to "save" them, it is not for just your benefit, social workers do not find children for homes... they find homes for children.. BIG DIFFERENCE!

I think it is good you know that you may have difficulty "loving" another child not of your biological effort. I think it is honest and true.

While in the process of application for adoption of a child in which the parental rights were terminated by the state we were asked to fill out piles of forms. Among those forms was a thick packet of questions i.e.

Will you accept a child with AIDS?
Will you accept a child with learning disabilities?
Will you accept a child whose birth parent had history of schizophrenia?
Will you accept a child who wets the bed?
Will you accept a child who has Cerebral Palsy?
Will you accept a child who has vision impairment?
Will you accept a child who picks their nose?
Will you accept a child with limited language skills?

there were over 100 of these type questions and we were told to answer them honestly because it is important for couples to know themselves and their own limits. Yes there were desperate couples who said we will take Anything, any child... and the social worker would have to talk to them again and again.. several of these couples were found to be not appropriate for placement of a child. Which was sad.. but there is more than enough evidence to support the questionaires usage.

Enjoy your family as it is now, it is good and strong and filled with love. and that is a blessing.
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Old 02-03-2005, 04:01 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Papa Deuce

I feel real strong about the "love" part.
Do NOT do it.
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Old 02-03-2005, 04:07 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Papa Deuce
I TRULY don't believe I would love this boy as much as the ones that I helped create. I feel real strong about the "love" part.
If this is how you feel then you should NOT do it. IMHO
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Old 02-03-2005, 06:55 AM   #13
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Adoption is certainly not for everyone. When we were having trouble conceiving our second child I brought up adoption (DH's sister and her then DH adopted a boy from Korea) and DH didn't want to go that route. He only wanted his own biological child and I had to respect that. That does not make him a bad person - and as I said in the beginning, adoption is not for everyone..

Tough decision...but if you feel that strongly about it then it is probably not a good idea.

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Old 02-03-2005, 07:27 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tink&SquirtsMom
But in this case they have made it clear that an adopted child would not be subject to the same inheritance as our birth children. Dh has not touched his trust fund, and we've always lived by our own means (so as not to live under their control and to raise our kids with the right priorities not the IL'S misguided ones). But we've always known that we could pass that money onto our kids. Its a nice feeling knowing our kids will never have to worry about money should they chose that life. We have not yet determined how, or when they will be told or given access to the money (enough for them to retire at 18 if they wanted), but how could we allow 2 children to get this money and not another?
I am from a family that would never accept an "adopted" grandchild either. Too bad for them, because my DH and I are adopting the rest of our family after we have 1 biological child! About the inheritance...that's simple. I told my DH that I was going to turn mine back to these people when the time came, because EVERYTHING from them comes with strings attached. We discussed it together and with our attorney, and we decided that the entire inheritance will go to a charity of our choosing, with my family clearly being informed that this is what has occurred. Money is NOT worth it if it comes with directions about how to live your life.

Papa Deuce, I'd say that you shouldn't consider adoption until you can be sure that you will bond with your son as much as you've bonded with your daughters. Give yourself time to decide, since this is a huge decision!
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Old 02-03-2005, 07:42 AM   #15
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All children should be loved and wanted unconditionally. If you truly feel that you won't love this baby as much as your "own", please don't adopt. How damaging to go through life always being "the adopted one". He's your son or he isn't.

Have you looked into reversing the "fix"? You have up to 10 years, I believe. It doesn't guarantee a boy but maybe another biological child is what you're really after. Again, if you would be disappointed with another girl, I'd stick with what I have and be happy.
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