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Old 11-25-2013, 11:37 AM   #31
Hrhpd
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Originally Posted by mrsklamc View Post
I would encourage you to look up her posts. She was in a similar situation and got lots of great advice, but chose to ignore it because it wasn't what she wanted to hear. If you're more open to wise advice than she was I'm sure some of it can be helpful to you.
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I have to wholeheartedly agree with this.

Your situation is eerily similar to mmackeysmouse in that she was frustrated with dating, also had weight esteem issues, had friends that unsuccessfully tried to match her up, etc. Which, of course, is why everybody just assumed you were her.

Since your situations are so incredibly similar, it would really help you to read her threads. There was some outstanding advice. Hopefully you will be able to benefit from the very wise advice on those threads.

If you don't know how to use the search feature here, google also works great. Just google the username + disboards and you will get all her threads.

Last edited by Hrhpd; 11-25-2013 at 11:43 AM.
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Old 11-25-2013, 11:52 AM   #32
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Originally Posted by aaarcher86 View Post
If you're not getting any interest anywhere I imagine it's something you're doing or putting out there. Honestly, the first post was kind of off putting. We get it. You think you're great and can't imagine why anyone, especially people less great, aren't chasing after you.

If you're as happy with yourself as you'd like us to think I'd suggest not worrying about getting into a relationship, enjoy your life with your family and friends, and let the chips fall.
I don't think I'm great. I am great. I mean that in the most confident, non-conceited way possible.

Regarding your second comment, actually a few years ago, I actually did have a Come to Jesus moment when I decided I was going to stop dating, I was going to stop looking, and work on being happy. And, honestly, I have been.

That said, I do want to have a family. I do want to have kids. And, I am at an age where I need to start being a little more proactive about it. Sitting back and waiting for the moment I bump into The Guy at Lowe's or church or the ball game isn't working.

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Originally Posted by CupcakeKelly View Post
Do you have any male friends that could look at your profile and the pictures on your profile?
I do! And they have seen my profile. They tell me I am wonderful and beautiful and perfect (just not for them) and give me pretty much no constructive criticism whatsoever. They tell me that "someday someone" will see it. Which is pretty much the same thing I have heard since I was 15.

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Originally Posted by Colleen27 View Post
I think to some degree this is just part of the "meeting guys online" experience. Yes, there are some good ones out there but there are also a lot treating it as a virtual meat market. Back when I was single a friend and I decided to sign up for Match.com as sort of a goof, just because we wanted to meet some new guys beyond our usual social circles. Yeah, that was a disaster. Between the two of us, we met three married guys looking for something "discreet", a 300lb guy who decided he wasn't interested in 150lb me because I was "so heavy", a guy who worked at Valvoline who wasn't interested in my friend because he was "looking for a woman with a career" (she was temping and going to college), and quite an overabundance of marginally-acceptable men who were holding out for a lonely Victoria's Secret model just looking for someone to spend her money on.
Exactly! You just quoted my experience, almost verbatim.

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Originally Posted by Hrhpd View Post
Perhaps it might be helpful if you post a sample of how you are messaging the men you are interested in.
Definitely....I will post a little sample of my profile maybe, and some samples of how I approach the men shortly.

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Originally Posted by Sultana View Post
Re: the bolded: Condescending much???

I'm fat. I highly doubt George Clooney would ever notice me. But even if he'd love to date me, and he turns out to be boring, I will not go for a second date. Nevermind I'm fat and thus should only "take what I can get".
Again, please see my follow-up to that post. I specifically said that it's not that I think only good looking people should be together or only super intelligent people should be together. I don't think that...at all! And, it's not that I think people should be desperate or take what they can get, as you put it. It's just that I anticipated (perhaps wrongly) that they would be more open-minded to different looks, because they themselves know what it's like to be judged.

To use your example, I think you should go for whomever you want, whoever strikes your fancy. But, for you to go for ONLY George Clooney, and not even be willing to give, say, Jack Black a chance...would be unfair. Does that make sense?

A previous poster said it above...300 lbs men going for women thin, toned, slender, and ONLY those types. This is not unusual.
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Old 11-25-2013, 12:03 PM   #33
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I hope I don't get flamed for this, but if your weight seems to be an obstacle, maybe you should try to lose a few pounds and not drink the chocolate milk. Please understand that I am someone who has lost 70 pounds and while I have been married for a while and told myself I was happy...I am a lot happier and healthier being able to be active and wear cute clothes. I know how hard it can be. I used a program called Medifast that was a godsend to me. I am sure you are beautiful and sweet, but if you are unhappy, please know that this is what helped me become happy again. Don't do it to get some guy. Do it IF YOU want to do it for you. If not, just disregard. I mean it in the kindest of ways.
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Old 11-25-2013, 12:27 PM   #34
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Originally Posted by chicagodisneyfan View Post
Your MOTHER is the cause of a lot of your insecurities - that is just awful what she told you.

She basically implied you have to "date down".

That is toxic and I believe colors a lot of your self worth.
I do want to stick up for my mother here.

At this point in my life, I was very deluded.

I was holding out for a model handsome guy, one who was a doctor, had been a college athlete, who rescued animals in his spare time, went to church regularly, visited with his family every week and treated his mother like a queen, drove a nice but practical car....etc etc.

My mom had to bring me back down to Earth.

Quote:
Originally Posted by "Cinder" Ella's Mom View Post
I hope I don't get flamed for this, but if your weight seems to be an obstacle, maybe you should try to lose a few pounds and not drink the chocolate milk. Please understand that I am someone who has lost 70 pounds and while I have been married for a while and told myself I was happy...I am a lot happier and healthier being able to be active and wear cute clothes. I know how hard it can be. I used a program called Medifast that was a godsend to me. I am sure you are beautiful and sweet, but if you are unhappy, please know that this is what helped me become happy again. Don't do it to get some guy. Do it IF YOU want to do it for you. If not, just disregard. I mean it in the kindest of ways.
I sincerely hope you do not get flamed. I will be the first person to stand up for you. You presented your case in a very kind, respectful way.

I will say this: I have been bigger than I am now. I have been smaller than I am now. I had less trouble finding guys when I was larger than when I was smaller or the size I am now. It makes no sense, I know.

You are definitely right. If I want to lose weight, it will be for ME, not because I think I have to do it to get a guy. One thing that concerns me is if I DID lose weight, and I talk to a guy, I would always wonder, "Is this one of the guys that wouldn't talk to me at my previous size, and now he will?" and if so, "What does this say about him, is this the kind of person I want?" Lots of "what ifs?" It would be so much easier to find a guy who likes me chubby, that way I never have to wonder how he feels about my size if I gain weight or feel puffy.
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Old 11-25-2013, 12:35 PM   #35
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You are trying to hard, for some that comes across as needy and can be a turn off.
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Old 11-25-2013, 12:37 PM   #36
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Why are you assuming it's your pictures and not the rest of your profile that's the problem? How do you present yourself in text?
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Old 11-25-2013, 12:39 PM   #37
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Originally Posted by niceblueeyedgirl View Post
I don't think I'm great. I am great. I mean that in the most confident, non-conceited way possible.

Regarding your second comment, actually a few years ago, I actually did have a Come to Jesus moment when I decided I was going to stop dating, I was going to stop looking, and work on being happy. And, honestly, I have been.

That said, I do want to have a family. I do want to have kids. And, I am at an age where I need to start being a little more proactive about it. Sitting back and waiting for the moment I bump into The Guy at Lowe's or church or the ball game isn't working.
What you're currently doing and what you did before 'waiting around' isn't working either, obviously. There's only 1 common denominator in all of the lack of success.

I'd really, truly, try to look inward here versus 'what's wrong with all these men?'
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Old 11-25-2013, 12:40 PM   #38
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Quote:
Originally Posted by niceblueeyedgirl View Post
One thing that concerns me is if I DID lose weight, and I talk to a guy, I would always wonder, "Is this one of the guys that wouldn't talk to me at my previous size, and now he will?" and if so, "What does this say about him, is this the kind of person I want?" Lots of "what ifs?" It would be so much easier to find a guy who likes me chubby, that way I never have to wonder how he feels about my size if I gain weight or feel puffy.
This is just silly. You are putting the cart about 500 miles before the horse. You're planning the wedding and the post-wedding weight gain before you've even met the man. Hasn't the fact that men are visual creatures been brought up over and over on this thread? I've been married 31 years. If I had been the size I am now 33 years ago, he would not have looked at me as he liked thin girls and I was a size 7. If he had been as bald as he is now, I probably wouldn't have looked twice at him either because I liked hair on a man.

Last edited by tar heel; 11-25-2013 at 12:50 PM.
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Old 11-25-2013, 12:47 PM   #39
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Originally Posted by niceblueeyedgirl View Post

You are definitely right. If I want to lose weight, it will be for ME, not because I think I have to do it to get a guy. One thing that concerns me is if I DID lose weight, and I talk to a guy, I would always wonder, "Is this one of the guys that wouldn't talk to me at my previous size, and now he will?" and if so, "What does this say about him, is this the kind of person I want?" Lots of "what ifs?" It would be so much easier to find a guy who likes me chubby, that way I never have to wonder how he feels about my size if I gain weight or feel puffy.
It says that he wasn't attracted to you before and now he is. Stop overthinking it.
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Old 11-25-2013, 01:03 PM   #40
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This is just silly. You are putting the cart about 500 miles before the horse. You're planning the wedding and the post-wedding weight gain before you've even met the man. Hasn't the fact that men are visual creatures been brought up over and over on this thread? I've been married 31 years. If I had been the size I am now 33 years ago, he would not have looked at me as he liked thin girls and I was a size 7. If he had been as bald as he is now, I probably wouldn't have looked twice at him either because I liked hair on a man.
This just made me laugh out loud.

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It says that he wasn't attracted to you before and now he is. Stop overthinking it.
No, you missed my point. Or I didn't make it well enough. My point was....do I really want someone who chooses who they befriend based on looks? Is that the kind of person I want. I want the kind of person who is kind to all people...fat or thin, tall or short, unemployed or gainfully employed, smokers or non smokers...if someone is judgmental to the point they will not even talk to someone they don't consider worthy....that's not the type of person I want.


Anyway....here is an example of my profile:

I talk about how I am a jack of all trades type of person. I know a little bit about a lot of small things. I know a lot of stupid trivia, which makes me great at trivia games.

I describe my sense of humor as dry and witty, understated, but that I love to laugh, so I am looking for a guy to make me laugh.

I talk about my interests and hobbies. I talk about my dog. Really basic stuff.

As far as messages TO guys, it usually goes along the following lines:

Hi, how are you? I love your dog, what breed is he? or I see you like the Bengals, what do you think of the trade to... or Welcome to the area. It's usually a pretty simple. Hi, how are you doing followed by some sort of question to show that I have read their profile. I really don't THINK it comes across as desperate. I don't know how it could...but maybe?
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Old 11-25-2013, 01:05 PM   #41
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I don't think all men or even most of em are picky daters. I've seen women that weren't all that good looking or women with totally obnoxious personalities or women that were neither good looking, nor good natured with guys hanging all over em.
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Old 11-25-2013, 01:06 PM   #42
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Originally Posted by tar heel View Post
This is just silly. You are putting the cart about 500 miles before the horse. You're planning the wedding and the post-wedding weight gain before you've even met the man. Hasn't the fact that men are visual creatures been brought up over and over on this thread? I've been married 31 years. If I had been the size I am now 33 years ago, he would not have looked at me as he liked thin girls and I was a size 7. If he had been as bald as he is now, I probably wouldn't have looked twice at him either because I liked hair on a man.
This! My DH fell in love with me thin! After he loved me and I was heavier, he still loved me just as much. If it was reversed, who knows? It doesn't matter really.
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Old 11-25-2013, 01:25 PM   #43
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Wow, you have so much in common with mmackymouse...both in circumstances and writing style. I do hope you can look up her dating posts....lots of excellent advice there.

I did online dating for 6 months and I met my husband through an online dating site. When I was doing that, I was a nice-looking, average weight (high end of "normal" BMI, but not in overweight category), 25 year old. I got a decent number of messages from men and I sent out a decent number of messages to men introducing myself as well. I kept an open mind and went out for coffee or a drink with any guy who seemed to have his life together, didn't look awful, and sent me a message indicating that he had read my profile. I went out on about a date a week and really had a ball with it. It took some effort, however...I probably spent 30-60 minutes a day just responding and sending messages on a couple of sites. (I was determined to find a husband!)

My close friend also did online dating...she was also 25, but was over 6 feet tall and quite overweight. She also went out on a number of dates and ended up meeting her husband online.

My point of saying this is that I personally find it hard to believe that you are not getting the chance to meet a single person. I'm not calling you a liar, I'm just wondering what the circumstances are behind it since there are all types of people on the sites...successful and unemployed, attractive and not so attractive, fat and thin, etc.

How many messages are you getting a week? How many are you sending out? What is the text of your profile like? How many sites are you on?

I LOVED Match.com, but I ended up finding my husband on one of the free ones.
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Old 11-25-2013, 01:49 PM   #44
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My point of saying this is that I personally find it hard to believe that you are not getting the chance to meet a single person. I'm not calling you a liar, I'm just wondering what the circumstances are behind it since there are all types of people on the sites...successful and unemployed, attractive and not so attractive, fat and thin, etc.

How many messages are you getting a week? How many are you sending out? What is the text of your profile like? How many sites are you on?

I LOVED Match.com, but I ended up finding my husband on one of the free ones.
I personally find it hard to believe I am not getting a chance either. Trust me! Ha. I described my profile, and messaging style in a previous post, if you care to take a gander.

I have received 10 messages total in my 2 weeks at match.com. These were all response to something I messaged, and 7 of these were thanks but no thanks type of messages. I have received only one message with the man initiating...no picture, nearly twice my age. I have sent out approximately 150 messages.

I am active on two dating sites right now. I have existing but unpaid profiles on two other sites, meaning they can view me and message me if they want, but I cannot reply unless I pay up.

I actually did find a tiny bit of success on a religious-based site....well sort of, at least. I "met" this guy and we really hit it off. Sparks and everything. He was telling other people how interested he was in me and they were subsequently messaging me to tell me so. And, I liked him a lot too. A lot, a lot. We were both taking things slow. It would have been long distance, and we wanted to do things the right way. So, before I left for Disney earlier this summer, we had a talk about how once I got back, we would start moving to the next step, talk about meeting each other, get more serious. I was beyond thrilled. Well, four days after I got back, he went to a work conference and guess what? He met a girl. A real-life girl. And things got serious. She has even flown to meet him. And obviously, I am way out of the picture. I'm happy for him, I am....but, I cannot even begin to describe how crushed I was.

At first, I wanted nothing to do with an internet romance or online dating situation. Nothing. I was being very, very cautious, and my friends who had also become friends with him online, were like, "He's crazy about you. You have to go for it." And, I think he was crazy about me. But, life happens, and no one is to blame. But, it still stings quite a bit.


So, that's my sob story.
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Old 11-25-2013, 02:25 PM   #45
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Picky Daters?

well...

let me answer your question..


Most real men, the objective to dating is to get your skivvies around your ankles with the least amount of time and money invested.

most real women know this, and consider dating a prolonged negotiation over the terms.

all else is window dressing.
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