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Old 11-24-2013, 08:25 PM   #1
niceblueeyedgirl
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Are all men picky daters?

Let me introduce myself. I didn't want to be seen as pitiful, so I did create an alternate game. I hope you guys understand. I am a young single female. I have a lot of really nice qualities, and at the risk of sounding like a braggart, I won't list them. But, they are good! I consider myself a pretty person, and have been told so. I'm not stunning, but I am no hag either. I am on the chubby/overweight side, but am by no means obese or morbidly so. And, I know that chubby girls face an uphill battle when it comes to men, but I also know different people like different things.

I have had little success in the real life dating scene, so I was coerced to try some online dating sites. Well, I feel more disheartened and hopeless now than I've ever felt in the real world. I have messaged, winked, liked, a combination of hundreds of men. Men of all shapes, sizes, colors, and creeds. My response rate is disappointingly low. I have tried many different sites: Christian ones, match.com, eHarmony, etc etc. I find myself with the same frustrating non-responses.

Here is my beef. If you could see the list of men I've messaged, you would see....they are not the Brad Pitts of the world. They are not the hottest men on the site. They are perfectly average men. More often than not, they are men with some extra weight themselves. Some are even very overweight, but seem nice enough, so why not give them a chance? Imagine how shocked I am when I see a 300 lb man whose preference is Slender or Athletic and toned. And even those who don't indicate a preference don't reply to me. Now, I think I'm great. But, if I am not good enough for chubby men...clearly something is wrong.

Has anyone had experience with men's psyche, as far as what they desire in women, how someone who doesn't meet these expectations stands a chance, what a girl like me can do?
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Old 11-24-2013, 08:52 PM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by niceblueeyedgirl View Post
And, I know that chubby girls face an uphill battle when it comes to men
Well, I'm not a man.

But please let this one go because I don't think it's remotely true.

Just as an example, Ricki Lake has often said that she never went without male attention before she lost all of her weight. So of course it's not everyone's thought process/desire but nothing is when it comes to attraction.
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Old 11-24-2013, 08:55 PM   #3
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Look at your own attitude...if I'm not even good enough for a chubby guy... You think chubby guys should have lower standards.
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Old 11-24-2013, 08:57 PM   #4
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I know this doesn't answer any of your questions but.... keep in mind, I'm willing to bet at least 80% of those men will never get your message. Unless you have a paid & current account, you can't read messages
A lot of people go on, set up their free account and get discouraged when they don't get any response.


I met my BF on Match.com a year ago.
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Old 11-24-2013, 09:01 PM   #5
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Do you have flattering picture of yourself on there and more than one of them? Men are all about the pictures...
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Old 11-24-2013, 09:12 PM   #6
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mmackeymouse, is that you? I remember your other threads. I hope everything is going okay.
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Old 11-24-2013, 09:35 PM   #7
niceblueeyedgirl
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Thanks for all your replies!

Quote:
Originally Posted by lisaviolet View Post
Well, I'm not a man.

But please let this one go because I don't think it's remotely true.

Just as an example, Ricki Lake has often said that she never went without male attention before she lost all of her weight. So of course it's not everyone's thought process/desire but nothing is when it comes to attraction.
I know! That's why I didn't say it is completely impossible. I know it's not impossible. But, it is well documented that men are visual creatures. And, there have been much more men with this in their profiles: "I prefer for a woman to take care of herself and not be overweight" than "I find beauty in women of all shapes and sizes."

Not to mention my real-life experience with guys who have said some very vile things. One of which said the following: "I can deal with a girl that is butt ugly as long as she's not fat."

Again, it's not impossible.....but I think it IS fair to say it's a little bit harder for overweight women than for those of thinner sizes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kimblebee View Post
Look at your own attitude...if I'm not even good enough for a chubby guy... You think chubby guys should have lower standards.
That's not what I meant at all. I was raised and taught that....you never desire or expect more than what you have to offer yourself. If you want someone that is drop dead gorgeous...you yourself should be as attractive as you can possibly be. Now, this isn't to say that skinny people and chubby people can't be together or intelligent people and unintelligent or athletic and non-athletic. I'm not saying that at all.

I just remember my mom sitting down and having a very serious conversation with me about expectations. If you only have a bachelor's degree, it is unfair to expect the guy to have a doctorate. If you have jacked up teeth, it is unfair to expect the guy to have perfectly white, straight teeth. If you have some extra pounds, it is unfair to expect the guy to be slim and trim.

The point was to show me how important it is to be open to all kinds of men to be interested in. I guess I figured other people kind of abide by the same principle. Not that they should have lower standards....just that maybe they would be more open-minded themselves.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Starbrite View Post
I know this doesn't answer any of your questions but.... keep in mind, I'm willing to bet at least 80% of those men will never get your message. Unless you have a paid & current account, you can't read messages
A lot of people go on, set up their free account and get discouraged when they don't get any response.


I met my BF on Match.com a year ago.
Congrats!

Yeah, I knew coming into this that the response rate would be tough, with not knowing who is a paying member and what not. That said, I view by people online, and activity date. And nearly all the people I message view me right away. They just...don't respond.

But, like I said, I was expecting a 10% response rate. I thought that was pretty reasonable expectations. What I am getting is more like a 1% response rate. Which....anyway you slice it.....can be disheartening.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BadgerGirl84 View Post
Do you have flattering picture of yourself on there and more than one of them? Men are all about the pictures...
I think they are flattering. They are pictures that friends have told me are good. I have like 8 or 9 pictures. And, yes, they are the best pictures I got.
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Old 11-24-2013, 09:36 PM   #8
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I don't think this is a wrong attitude.

When I tried a dating site for a brief period before I met DH, I ran into a lot of odd expectations on the part of the guys.

Guys who didn't go to college expected to marry girls who did.

Guys who were short expected to date girls who weren't.

Or if girls didn't measure up to a certain physical standard they were dismissed.

Now, back to OP, these sites have guys who only see a photo. You really can't date that way. You need to get to know the person.

I admit there are certain physical types that are not attractive to me, and yet, I can also point out guys who fit those physical types who made me find them attractive because of other outstanding characteristics they had once I got to know them.

You need to find another way to meet men.

Dawn


Quote:
Originally Posted by kimblebee View Post
Look at your own attitude...if I'm not even good enough for a chubby guy... You think chubby guys should have lower standards.
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Old 11-24-2013, 09:37 PM   #9
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Men are visual first, then into substance of you.

Most of mentioned dating sites are know cheater sites.

If you don't have full membership it's very hard to communicate.

Lots of men like real looking woman, oh and confidence in their looks is big plus.

Basically looks is what attracts them first then the real you is what keeps them coming back for more.

Last edited by lauradis; 11-24-2013 at 09:45 PM.
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Old 11-24-2013, 09:42 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by niceblueeyedgirl View Post
Thanks for all your replies!
Again, it's not impossible.....but I think it IS fair to say it's a little bit harder for overweight women than for those of thinner sizes.
Go back to your own quote. You didn't say it's a little bit harder. You said uphill battle. Two very different statements.

Sigh.

Immediately, I too was going to ask about the older man at church but thought well - who knows. So good luck to you. I tried to give honest help/advice on your last thread and either it was completely ignored or argued with. Enough said.
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Old 11-24-2013, 09:48 PM   #11
elaine amj
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It's very true that men are visual.

Perhaps look for another way to meet men so that appearances aren't the "criteria" used? Also, what about changing your focus from what you can be to the guy to looking for just the right fit for you? Or maybe just making friends for now and if you click with someone, you do. Take some of the pressure off yourself.

Are there other ways you can meet men? Preferably in your community so they are local. What about volunteering. Working together on committees, etc provides a lot of common interest topics. What about joining something like the Rotary Club as a general place to meet a lot of people or else more focused special interest groups?

Hope all goes well for you!
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Old 11-24-2013, 10:32 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by niceblueeyedgirl View Post
Let me introduce myself. I didn't want to be seen as pitiful, so I did create an alternate game. I hope you guys understand. I am a young single female. I have a lot of really nice qualities, and at the risk of sounding like a braggart, I won't list them. But, they are good! I consider myself a pretty person, and have been told so. I'm not stunning, but I am no hag either. I am on the chubby/overweight side, but am by no means obese or morbidly so. And, I know that chubby girls face an uphill battle when it comes to men, but I also know different people like different things.

I have had little success in the real life dating scene, so I was coerced to try some online dating sites. Well, I feel more disheartened and hopeless now than I've ever felt in the real world. I have messaged, winked, liked, a combination of hundreds of men. Men of all shapes, sizes, colors, and creeds. My response rate is disappointingly low. I have tried many different sites: Christian ones, match.com, eHarmony, etc etc. I find myself with the same frustrating non-responses.

Here is my beef. If you could see the list of men I've messaged, you would see....they are not the Brad Pitts of the world. They are not the hottest men on the site. They are perfectly average men. More often than not, they are men with some extra weight themselves. Some are even very overweight, but seem nice enough, so why not give them a chance? Imagine how shocked I am when I see a 300 lb man whose preference is Slender or Athletic and toned. And even those who don't indicate a preference don't reply to me. Now, I think I'm great. But, if I am not good enough for chubby men...clearly something is wrong.

Has anyone had experience with men's psyche, as far as what they desire in women, how someone who doesn't meet these expectations stands a chance, what a girl like me can do?
Hi mmackeymouse. Sorry to hear that the dating game is not getting any easier for you. Never lose hope. Every day is a new day. Pixie dust to you.
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Old 11-24-2013, 11:31 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by etoiles View Post
mmackeymouse, is that you? I remember your other threads. I hope everything is going okay.
That is who I thought wrote this thread too, just from looking at the title of the post.
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Old 11-25-2013, 01:07 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by etoiles View Post
mmackeymouse, is that you? I remember your other threads. I hope everything is going okay.
This is also the poster I immediately thought of. The writing style/feel is pretty much identical.

OP--if, by some chance, you are NOT that poster, look up mmackeymouse's old threads and read through a few of them. Maybe you can pick up on the vibe or feel of the posts if it is coming from someone else other than yourself.

I assure you that even your very short initial post has that same feel to it--and it is not a pleasant feel. I think to most men it would come off as "whiny" and "needy" I do NOT say that to be cruel (tough I am sure it stings ) but to point out to you where the problem likely lies. I doubt it has anything to do with your weight (other than how that might be a part of the self esteem issues that are coming through in the tone overall) and everything to go with the attitude which comes across so strongly in your "voice."
Also look at the attitude you have towards the men you are messaging--it really is not positive. WHY would someone want to respond to a person who sees them as "not attractive but hey why not give them a chance anyway since I am desperate?"--which is pretty much what you are saying.

Do you have a truly good friend who could be totally candid and honest with you (and you will not get angry with them) and help you write somethign that does not sound like this? That may help with initial contacts--but be ware that once they contact you if that tone comes through in your responses, they will likely be gone again--so I really suggest getting some counseling and working on being comfortable with who you are (I imagine you will say you ARE, but clearly you are very concerned with your weight for one thing) BEFORE you look for "validation" from men.
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Last edited by NHdisneylover; 11-25-2013 at 01:13 AM.
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Old 11-25-2013, 01:24 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by niceblueeyedgirl View Post
I just remember my mom sitting down and having a very serious conversation with me about expectations. If you only have a bachelor's degree, it is unfair to expect the guy to have a doctorate. If you have jacked up teeth, it is unfair to expect the guy to have perfectly white, straight teeth. If you have some extra pounds, it is unfair to expect the guy to be slim and trim.

The point was to show me how important it is to be open to all kinds of men to be interested in. I guess I figured other people kind of abide by the same principle. Not that they should have lower standards....just that maybe they would be more open-minded themselves.

.
I also think it is really important to NOT expect others to react/act/think just like you do. If you are the poster I (and others) think you are--this is a trend, and it is not a good one and it not at all helpful to your cause.

But, more importantly, what you are saying here is that you do no see yourself as being a very desirable looking person and that you do not see the men you are contacting as desirable looking either. Who wants to be with someone who does't think they are desirable?
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