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Old 10-01-2013, 07:39 AM   #16
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We have an only child(didn't plan it that way), I'm 1 of 4 but the only girl, dh has a much younger brother. Dd says she likes being an only child but would have been fine with a sibling. I love my brothers and would do almost anything for them and I know they feel the same. We were close a very young children but grew apart as we started school and made our own friends.

I do feel a bit sad about dd being alone when we're gone. I hope she has her own family or a close network of friends before then. One thing to consider seriously is that just because people are related doesn't guarantee they'll be close or even like one another. Your 2nd could be the polar opposite of your 1st.
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Old 10-01-2013, 07:39 AM   #17
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We thought we'd have an only and were at peace with that after years of infertility. Then five and a half years later my twins showed up by accident. I'm glad my oldest has siblings and that I have the larger family I always wanted but she would have been fine in her own. There is no perfect number. More is more work and more chaos. It's also more fun. There is less time day to day for the couple but mine are in bed at eight and that keeps the marriage alive.
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Old 10-01-2013, 07:44 AM   #18
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I tend to think somehow you just know if you're done or not. My sister is my best friend. When we were growing up we had our typical fights but as an adult we are close. We're only 2 years apart. I think age makes a big difference. I alway knew I wanted a busy, crazy house. I ended up having 4 kids.
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Old 10-01-2013, 07:49 AM   #19
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I have an only girl.

I am the youngest of five and before getting pregnant, I assumed I would have two or three children. During the pregnancy and for three years after, I said I would only have one, and that's the way it stayed. DH and I agreed on it.

DD has asked for a sibling several times over the last 17 years. We make light of it with her and then she goes on with her normal routine.

We have lots of family on both sides that she is close with. DH, DD and I make a very nice threesome, but we don't hover (my mom smothered me and was very strict and I didn't want DD to feel the way that I felt).

DD has many friends her age, participates in various activities, has a job, already has a few college acceptances and can handle herself quite well in adult situations.

If the time comes that she has to take care of one of us, or make decisions for us, I believe that our extended family would be there for her.

As for empty nest, well I had a peak of that this summer while she was away at camp and I must say that it was sweet!
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Old 10-01-2013, 07:49 AM   #20
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I was an only child for 10 years and I hated every second of it. I was the oldest cousin by 6 years, so I was constantly with adults. I am closer to my aunts and uncles than my cousins. Then my mom had an ovary removed and she got pregnant with DBro #1, 10 years younger, and DBro #2, 14 years younger. It was a tough adjustment at first. My brothers are much closer to each other and do lots together. It was hard for us to join them bc we had kids. I love my brothers, so glad they are in my life. Dealing with health issues with my mom, they have been a tremendous help but I wish we were all a little closer in age
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Old 10-01-2013, 07:53 AM   #21
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I am the oldest of 4, and though we are spread out (age & geography) we are still close. I always wanted more than 1. DH, while not particularly close to his 2 sibs, agreed with me. We have 2 - DS & DD. they are about 4 1/2 years apart - just the way it happened. I never felt that having 2 was harder than 1. And despite the age and sex difference, they have always been close.

I have a friend whose son was "difficult" (starting with colic as a baby & energetic after). Her DH was an only and didn't understand why she wanted more than one child. So they waited. And then once they were in agreement about trying for a 2nd, had fertility issues. They had their daughter right after their son's 8th birthday. She's what they call "difficult" too but they couldn't be happier

At the end of the day, OP, as you said, it comes down to what you and your DH agree and will make you happy.
Good luck with the decision :
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Old 10-01-2013, 08:02 AM   #22
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I never thought twice about having any of my three children. I always knew that I wanted more than one and I have enjoyed every minute of it. I love having three kids because it truly is an adventure every single day.

Having said that though, we are hitting the ages where it becomes very expensive. I'm facing buying two more cars soon and college years too. I'm not looking forward to it. Plus, parenting these kids and getting them through the everyday life struggles can be exhausting too. Some days I think it would have been much easier with just one, but the main reason for that is all about money. If it grew on trees, I would have had another one.

My oldest daughter just had a baby and she swears that she is only having one! I think this is from the side effects of having little to no sleep though.

In the end it's up to you and your husband. My only advise would be to plan for cars and college when they are born. It rolls around faster than you would think.

Side note, I'm very proud that I stayed mostly positive through that post because I have been fighting with my son all morning to get ready for school (he's saying he is sick) while my daughter is happily getting ready.
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Old 10-01-2013, 08:37 AM   #23
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You might want to read through this thread as it is nearly identical:


I will say that as you make your decision, you should consider all the phases of you and your child's lives. My husband has lost both of his parents now. They have in fact been gone for nearly 10 years. Until you have experienced the loss of both parents, it's really hard to understand how alone someone can feel in the world. While he was never close to his only sibling (a sister 11 years older) it helps a lot that there is another person on the planet who shared his upbringing and shares his memories of childhood.

But..... this is a case where 1 + 1 really isn't 2. It really is a lot of work going from 1 to 2. But if your DD is a handful, then at least you will be going into it with your eyes open.

Good luck with your decision.
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Old 10-01-2013, 08:50 AM   #24
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I don't understand why some people are saying that going from one to two is such a big deal. Once you've had one kid you know the ropes . You already have most of the equipment you need. And most toddlers love having a sibling added to the family (most ). I am one of four kids, my husband is one of two. We have four kids. I didn't have a problem going from one children to two at all, and then when we tried for three and ended up with twins (IF treatments), it wasn't difficult either. Babies are not expensive, trust me. What is expensive are preteens and teens! My advice is to have at least one more, maybe two or three .
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Old 10-01-2013, 08:53 AM   #25
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Originally Posted by mom2rtk View Post
You might want to read through this thread as it is nearly identical:


I will say that as you make your decision, you should consider all the phases of you and your child's lives. My husband has lost both of his parents now. They have in fact been gone for nearly 10 years. Until you have experienced the loss of both parents, it's really hard to understand how alone someone can feel in the world. While he was never close to his only sibling (a sister 11 years older) it helps a lot that there is another person on the planet who shared his upbringing and shares his memories of childhood.

But..... this is a case where 1 + 1 really isn't 2. It really is a lot of work going from 1 to 2. But if your DD is a handful, then at least you will be going into it with your eyes open.

Good luck with your decision.
Agreed! Lost my mom when she was 54 and I was 31. Lost my dad last year when I was 42 and he was 66. Thank God for my siblings. (I have 3) I know how sad and alone I am without my parents and cannot imagine how much worse it would be to not have my siblings as well.
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Old 10-01-2013, 08:58 AM   #26
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We have two, and they are three years apart, same gender.

We would have been perfectly happy having an only. Dh and I both came from huge families. Neither of us are close to any of our siblings. We aren't estranged, and we see them once in a while, but even though we mostly live in the same place, we just aren't close. I knew from the time I was very young that I would never have more than two kids, as I hated being part of a big family, as did dh. Now that our parents are aging, having siblings actually makes more difficulties, not less, in caring for them.

Between us we have over 25 nieces and nephews. Several are onlies. With one exception, the onlies have it made. Most are now young adults, and they had enriched childhoods, with tons of extra experiences and their parents could afford outstanding educational opportunities. They have thrived and are doing exceptionally well. One of my "only" nieces is a spoiled brat. She would have been every bit as spoiled if she had siblings though, as my BIL is unable to say no to anything.

Our kids were internationally adopted. That's really the only reason we went for a second one, as we felt it would be best for them to have another family member with a similar background. It's worked out well for us.

Personally, I think three years age difference is perfect. Seeing all my nieces and nephews, any closer and there is too much rivalry and added fighting and competition. With a three year gap, they can still enjoy some of the same things, but aren't at each other all the time. Mine are teens now. I didn't want to stretch it out much further as I didn't want to be raising kids forever.

Having two is an order of magnitude harder than having one.
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Old 10-01-2013, 09:08 AM   #27
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I am an only. And I would never have an only if I could help it. I think my parents did me a grave disservice by making me an only without putting into play a larger extended family for support. Now that my parents are gone, there is no one around who shares any early memories with me. My kids are missing any aunts or uncles and cousins on my side.

I was lonely growing up, also. Without any extended family nearby, holidays were the worst. Just lonely and boring.

My take is if you have only one child, make sure that child is surrounded by other family (be they blood or nurtured) so they are not left alone.

My 2 kids are missing aunts and uncles and cousins on my side. I see so many women who spend time with sisters or enjoy nieces and nephews. I miss out on that.

My life is good and I don't dwell on this, but I have always felt like I was missing something.
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Old 10-01-2013, 09:12 AM   #28
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I have 7 siblings but several do not have children. Two brothers each have 2 girls, I have 2 girls and two of my sisters each have a boy. The ages were spread out so the older four nieces are close in age but at least 10 years older than my DDs. So each set of girls had a built in playmate.

My two nephews are 3 years apart in age but are very close. They call each other brother and play together a couple of times a week. Both get lonely at home with no one to play with.

Both nephew were conceived with fertility treatments. My older sister was 40 so that nephew will be an only. My younger sister has decided to try for another child. It would be an understatement to call her son difficult. He is incredibly stubborn (my side of the gene pool) and type A (BIL side). DS did a lot of soul searching about whether she could handle another child before deciding she wanted to try.

We have lost both our parents. Dad died when we were young (he was 50) and mom died 17 years ago. We have an uncle, aunt and 2 cousins who were are not close to but otherwise that is it. I can't imagine not having siblings or close family to help you or celebrate things with.

OP, good luck with your decision. It is tough when you are not on the same page.
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Old 10-01-2013, 09:17 AM   #29
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I can only tell you, OP, my situation and what things I would change about it. I have 1 brother who is 5 years older than me (he is 45 and I am 40). While I always looked up to him and wanted to be like him, we were not overly close. I was pretty much an only child...definitely by the time I got to High School. I had to go to dinner and on trips with just my parents and things like that. I had a tough time in HS and it was pretty lonely. Then my dad passed away young (54 in 2001) and my mom, who had been with him since she was 19, has been floundering at times (a lot of times). I have had to bear the brunt of it because my brother (who has never married or had kids) left home to do his own thing and has never looked back (pretty much). My DH, on the other hand, has 2 older sisters who are tight with my MIL and there has been little room for me in the mix. I have gotten closer to MIL over the years, but it's not the same and I am envious of her closeness with her 2 DDs...luckily I have 2 DDs and hope to have that same relationship with them.

Now, my kids...I have 3. We married right after college and baby #1 came before we planned- 5 months after our wedding . We planned to be married a few years before having kids...but things don't always go as planned. For some strange reason we had in our heads that we'd have 2 boys (baby #1 was a boy), so we wanted them to be close in age so they could be BFFs and be there for each other as teens and young adults (which was something I didn't have). When DS was just 16 months old we began trying for #2. Two months later we had success...BUT it was not #2- it was #2 AND #3. My head swam and things changed for us. We were told right away that they were identical and I knew I could not handle 3 little boys (DS was a handful himself...still is), so I hoped for 2 girls. Luckily, that's what I had...identical twin girls. They were born a month early and so my DS was just 25 months old. I will not lie, it was HARD work. The first 2-3 years are a blur and we just 'got through it' and did what we had to...it was like having triplets. Knowing all I know now, I would have had them about 3 1/2 years apart. But, we did get through all the awful stages at the same time instead of getting through and then starting again like a friend of mine who had 3 boys that were each 4 years apart. Problem is, now I have 3 teens at the same time . Good luck in your decision.
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Old 10-01-2013, 09:19 AM   #30
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All I will say on this topic is that you and DH need to be 100% in agreement on this before you make a decision. There is nothing worse than a child who is/was "not wanted" by one of the parents, particularly in a marriage that is not rock solid. There will be resentment and that is not fair to the child. Your current child should have NO say in this decision, sorry to say. This is all you and your DH.

DH and I discussed children well before we started trying. We agreed that we wanted 2 children, not an "only" and no more than 2 (unless, of course, we ended up with multiples). Once our oldest DS turned 1, we started TTC and were successful immediately. Our boys are 20 months apart.

BOTH my kids ended up having Autism. That was not part of "the plan". DS #2 was a VERY difficult baby/toddler. He is still difficult at 7, but getting a bit easier. I can't even imagine how horrendous those early years would have been if DS #2 wasn't absolutely, 100% planned for and wanted by BOTH DH and I. We would have probably ended up divorced. Autism and other special needs really rock the boat on even the strongest marriages, and if we had started out with even a small amount of "marital issues", our marriage wouldn't have survived.
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