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Old 07-06-2013, 06:56 PM   #1
eeyorethegreat
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Starting to turn a new leaf.

I feel like I need to put words to where I am at right now and since the Dis allows for a certain amount of Anonymity, I feel like this board and this place is a safe place to do that.
Friday, I made an appointment to discuss issues of high blood pressure with my Dr. I have put it off for a while but I started to see that my BP was consistently higher than it should be the last few months. It runs in my family and I am not using that as an excuse but a fact. It may have some genetic component but I know that I have to make choices to counteract that. I know that I need to do something about this because I want to be around for my children. I want to be able to spoil my grand children. I was anorexic as a teen and early 20. When My then to be husband threatened to leave me if I didn't get myself together, I managed to overcome the issue. I gained weight during and after each pregnancy. Sometimes I was able to lose the weight . Now, I am obese. Honestly I don't know what I weigh. But way too much. I know this is a factor aside from genetics with my BP. I have to do something. I am ashamed, disgusted and angry at myself for letting myself get to this point. I know anorexia was not healthy and neither is this. I had some success in the past with Weight Watchers online but I fell off the WW wagon and never got back on. It is time now. I am humiliated to have to realize or more to the point stop being in denial that I need help to get my health in order. I want to be healthy. I also know that being healthy is hard work. It takes a lot mentally and physically to stay on track and I know I am not going to be able to do it with out support. I need real support from my loved ones and I need a place to reach out when maybe I don't feel strong enough to talk to someone in person. I hope that I can find that here. I hope that in time my shame, humiliation, and disgust with myself will turn into more positive thoughts. Thought of conviction that I can and will make the life style changes that I need to to have all the things I want to see in my life like being able to share WDW trips with my future grandchildren. I have made good food choices the last couple days but I know those are just baby steps. I have done baby steps before and gone right back to my poor choices. This time I have to make it stick. This time I have to be a strong enough person to make the changes that I need to. I hope I can find some people here that I can share this personal journey with to get the support that I know I am going to need. There I said it. I hope that this gives me some sort of accountability.
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Old 07-06-2013, 08:18 PM   #2
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Yay for you!

I do hope you can be a bit more gentle with yourself as you move forward. I totally get the feelings, but wow do I wish I hadn't been so cruel to myself. It's probably a bigger regret than gaining the weight to begin with. Best of luck to you!
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Old 07-06-2013, 08:27 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by bumbershoot View Post
Yay for you!

I do hope you can be a bit more gentle with yourself as you move forward. I totally get the feelings, but wow do I wish I hadn't been so cruel to myself. It's probably a bigger regret than gaining the weight to begin with. Best of luck to you!
I couldn't have said it better! Don't be too hard on yourself or beat yourself up! Take it one day at a time, don't worry about tomorrow, just focus one day at a time! I'm right there with you, have been working hard since Mid March and I still have days that are so hard! Wishing you all the best and much success on your journey!!
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Old 07-06-2013, 10:50 PM   #4
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Congratulations on taking the first step and just getting started. I spent the past 2 years knowing I needed to do something about my weight, knowing what I needed to do and not doing anything about it. In March we were sitting in our office kitchen on break and several co-workers were talking about the Biggest Loser. I said we should do something like that at work and lots of people jumped on the band wagon. We had round 1 from the middle of March to the middle of June and it finally got me motivated. I'm headed in the right direction now. We are going to start a round 2 because most of us want to lose more weight and those who reached their goal still want the accountability. As one person said, when she is thinking about that second helping, she remembers she has to weigh in the next morning :-)

Good luck on your journey and there is a lot of support here.
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Old 07-06-2013, 11:47 PM   #5
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I was posting from the road earlier (passenger seat), and I'm not sure I said what I said gently enough. If it came across weird, I'm really sorry.

Right now I'm in a phase of realizing just how much I despised myself, and I'm realizing that I would never have wanted someone else to speak to me the way I spoke to myself two years ago. I'm really regretting how I treated myself (and others) for those years, and I have a fervent wish that people would be sweeter to themselves now, not just when they near their goals, because it really makes life better. It's possible to say "this needs improvement" without feeling shame, and I wish I could have gotten there earlier.

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Old 07-07-2013, 07:16 AM   #6
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Best of luck to you. The hardest step is usually the first one out the door!
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Old 07-07-2013, 08:21 AM   #7
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Please let go of the shame. I know that is the hardest part of all of this. I struggle with it too, but it is so toxic.

I am sitting here up 20 pounds from my goal weight (which I made in 2011) really wanting to beat myself up for putting the weight back on yet again, but knowing that if I do I will keep the weight on forever.

You can do this. There are lots and lots of people here who will cheer you on. It is really hard work, but so worth it in the end. Thank you for sharing your feelings.

One of my favorite weight loss quotations which really stuck with me when I was started out to lose 50 pounds--"you wouldn't throw all the plates out just because you broke one". Healthy eating and exercise is not an all or nothing kind of thing. You are going to mess up. But I think when I was beating myself up and ashamed I would just use the mess ups as a reason to tell myself that I was a failure and a loser and couldn't do it. And then ultimately I would quit.

When really, I just messed up. We don't have to be perfect--we can't be perfect. We just need to try hard and make good choices most of the time. And when we mess up, own it and move on.

You can do this.
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Old 07-07-2013, 12:34 PM   #8
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I wish you good luck in turning that new leaf.

I know it's hard, I've been struggling with my weight for about 37 years. For many years it just kept slowly going up, up and up. Then 10 years ago I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. I am 5' tall and was 208 at my heaviest. I went on oral medication (was also on blood pressure medication by that time too) and started watching what I ate and walking, walking, walking and 40 pounds came off.

Then I got lazy. A few pounds came back on, and I was struggling with my blood sugar numbers. Wasn't exercising. Felt like a slug. Went through menopause and all I wanted to do was eat, cry, and I was a crabby old lady.

Started feeling better when the mood swings, tears, and hot flashes stopped. But still didn't get back on track. Then last November my doctor said insulin was in my near future if I didn't lose 30 pounds. That got me motivated and I started losing again. But during the winter I kept going back and forth, lose 5 pounds, gain it back, lose it again, etc.

So, finally on May 16th I joined Weight Watchers Online (I had thought about it for a long time). I kept telling myself I could "do it alone" but finally got honest with myself and realized, no, I couldn't. I love WW Online, but take it just one day at a time. If I mess up and eat a little too much one day, I don't give up like I used to. Rose said you "wouldn't throw out all the plates just because you broke one", I heard something similar on the WW Online message board, "you wouldn't slash all your tires just because you had a flat." That really stuck with me.

I had a bad week last week and gained 3 pounds back, but weighed in Friday and since November I'm down 23 pounds. Was 184 when my doctor talked to me. Then was 176 when I joined WW Online and am now 161. Almost into the 150's and I'm so excited to get there!! It gets more and more exciting with each 10 pound loss. Plus my blood sugar numbers and within the normal range again, so hopefully soon I will be able to get off the oral medications too! I'm back to exercising and really feel guilty if I miss a day. I love the great feeling I have when I get it done.

I hit my first "goal" with WW Online and my second one (158) isn't far away. I'm not sure how far I want to go. At least another 20-25 probably. I'm aiming to be 147 by September 18th, when my DD and I leave for our Disney trip. Then I'll re-evaluate and see how much more I want to lose. Maybe another 10 or 20, we'll see.

I love the "points system", it really helps to keep me accountable for what I eat. And I love finding good-for-me snacks, as evening snacking has always been my biggest problem. I read about swapping plain Greek yogurt for the sour cream in dip, so I did that (with a packet of Hidden Valley Ranch dressing) and oh my goodness is that good! It was too thick though, so I thinned it with a bit of fat free milk. It is only a point for a quarter cup, and I don't even eat a whole quarter cup for a "serving." I love finding things like that!!

You mentioned baby steps, hey, that's still going forward! Take it a day at a time, a step at a time, and it won't be long before those steps get easier! Make small changes, they all add up. And good luck to you!!
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Old 07-07-2013, 01:56 PM   #9
eeyorethegreat
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I did understand what you were saying . I remember the feelings of not being good enough or thin enough in the days where I starved myself to thinness. I remember when I got myself in control from that how I felt I had been too hard on myself. I have always been chunky except for when I didn't' eat. But right now it has gone beyond chunky and it is effecting my health. That scares me and I know despite how awful I feel about myself, I have to love myself and my family enough to do something about it. Thank you all for the support. This weekend I have made good choices about my portion sizes and foods. It is a small step in the right direction. Must keep moving forward.





'm
Quote:
Originally Posted by bumbershoot View Post
I was posting from the road earlier (passenger seat), and I'm not sure I said what I said gently enough. If it came across weird, I'm really sorry.

Right now I'm in a phase of realizing just how much I despised myself, and I'm realizing that I would never have wanted someone else to speak to me the way I spoke to myself two years ago. I'm really regretting how I treated myself (and others) for those years, and I have a fervent wish that people would be sweeter to themselves now, not just when they near their goals, because it really makes life better. It's possible to say "this needs improvement" without feeling shame, and I wish I could have gotten there earlier.

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Old 08-21-2013, 07:20 PM   #10
Laila Bryce
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eeyorethegreat View Post
I did understand what you were saying . I remember the feelings of not being good enough or thin enough in the days where I starved myself to thinness. I remember when I got myself in control from that how I felt I had been too hard on myself. I have always been chunky except for when I didn't' eat. But right now it has gone beyond chunky and it is effecting my health. That scares me and I know despite how awful I feel about myself, I have to love myself and my family enough to do something about it. Thank you all for the support. This weekend I have made good choices about my portion sizes and foods. It is a small step in the right direction. Must keep moving forward.



'm
I really want to thank all of you, especially OP for posting this. These issues are very similar to what I am going through, and it feels so good to know I am not alone!
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Old 08-21-2013, 10:24 PM   #11
sugarnspicex4
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Originally Posted by eeyorethegreat View Post
I hope that in time my shame, humiliation, and disgust with myself will turn into more positive thoughts. Thought of conviction that I can and will make the life style changes that I need to to have all the things I want to see in my life like being able to share WDW trips with my future grandchildren.
Keep those positive thoughts coming and you'll be on the right track! I'm learning to tell myself that because I am WORTH IT I will take care of myself so that I can have the happy life I deserve to have. This is the only body I'm going to have, might as well make the best of it. All my life I looked to food for comfort, which as we all know is only a temporary fix and only compounds the depression/weight gain cycle. I'm also learning to enjoy rather than dread exercise (this takes some work until it becomes habit). I now find my "comfort" in the endorphins released during my daily walk or run and in the accomplishment of another day's worth of eating according to plan. Best of luck to you and know you are among friends here; we're all in this together.
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