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Old 06-19-2013, 08:35 PM   #91
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Originally Posted by mjkacmom View Post

I'm a SAHM by choice - I know many WOHM's who work because they want to - and that's fine! I see little difference between the kids from both sets of moms.
I totally agree with this point. Doesn't the "mommy war" seem a bit ridiculous once the kids reach teen/early adult years? Has anyone ever looked at an honor student and said "of course, because his mom stayed home" or "obviously, because he was breast fed"? I seriously doubt it.

I've worked DS's entire life, and we are incredibly close (for now!). His best friend had a SAHM (she still is) and they barely even communicate. My mom stayed home and we have a polite at family functions type of relationship.

My mom loved to brag all the time about how she "sacrificed" to stay home with us. Well, we were so broke at one time we were on food stamps. I colored the back of my Kmart shoes to make them look like Keds so I wouldn't be picked on. I never left the state of NC until I was in high school, and that was with a friend's family, for 1 day!

I don't feel a bit of guilt because I decided to work so that my son can travel to other countries, afford extra-curricular activities, get a car at 16, and have amazing unique experiences.

In the end, the relationship and personality of the kids and parents is the only thing that matters.
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Old 06-19-2013, 08:40 PM   #92
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The thing that really strikes me about the article is, given all her education and high-powered job, that she couldn't figure out this stuff before she quit. It's not rocket science, and it's been written about for years. When women step out of the workforce, they take a HUGE hit in pay both short term and long term. Did she never read a women's magazine or a newspaper?

I've been it all, a DINK, a SAHM, a WOHM, and a part-timer. I think having one person as a part-timer or in a stepped-down role really helps the household and builds in that flexibility for doctor's appointments, sick days, home chores etc.

But I also think many, many SAHMs are highly unrealistic when it comes to the money they are giving up not only for a week or a month or a year, but also for their retirement. And many seem unwilling to acknowledge the pressure this puts their spouse under (I've talked to more than one husband who wish their wife would return to work and shoulder some of the financial burden.) And this doesn't touch the surface of what happens in a divorce --- or if you CAN'T get divorced because you'd lose all your income. SAHMS on the DISboards refuse to even acknowledge this is a possibility, which makes no sense given the rates of divorce.

In my current job, I don't make a lot. But it's a great job doing what I love exactly in my field with flexible hours and it brings in just enough to really take pressure off our family finances. And I have to hire sitters...but I'm pretty good at it. We have met some amazing people that way.

No matter which option you choose, something is lost. But it's important to do a critical assessment and not an emotional one of the toll of your choices on your lifestyle, finances, and children.
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Old 06-19-2013, 08:42 PM   #93
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A contrasting view to what?

Did you read that columnist's other pieces, by the way? There are certainly more credible (and infinitely more articulate) writers out there to support your position, so you may want to quote one of those, rather than the relationship columnist for a British tabloid. But as long as you're quoting her, here's a follow-up article she wrote on the same subject that basically says "hey, we're all doing the best we can, so don't worry so much...":

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...ek-I-work.html

And what about the statistics that parents today are spending more time with their children than parents of old? How does that impact your thoughts?
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Old 06-19-2013, 08:43 PM   #94
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Poor moms... You can't win, can you?


Frankly, I think the discussion needs to be more open with regards to fathers. Children have two parents, not just mothers. Yet men rarely face this judgement and criticism and hostility. This shouldn't be a "mom issue" it should be a "parenting issue."

As an educator I've seen amazing stay at home parents and some rather unsuccessful stay at home parents. Same with working parents. I don't think there is a better way, just a better of you and your family way.
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Old 06-19-2013, 08:45 PM   #95
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I'm from a family where both my parents worked. I don't recall my daycare years, but they must have been there. I do recall family time, being at the beach, going for ice cream, watching tv together - that sort of stuff, but not daycare experiences. I know that I always considered my parents as the ones who raised me, even when I wasn't with them (when I was at school, or friends houses, or just hanging)
Like my mother and grandmother before me, I've chosen to work my entire adult life. I can't see me doing it any other way. I've always enjoyed my job and I'm good at it. We've been able to make it work, with the help of a nanny in the early years until they were old enough for preschool. That, combined with staggered hours has made it a positive experience for our family. Ive never felt that someone else was raising our kids and even with working full time we were able to practice attachment parenting.
I'm fortunate in that I've been able to have the best of both worlds (job AND family) that doesn't mean that it was all smooth sailing, every choice has its challenges - but what's important is, once a family makes the choice on what works for them, then have the confidence to own the choice. You don't have to defend it to anyone, or put down someone else's choice just to justify the decision you made. It's OK to embrace your decision.
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Old 06-19-2013, 08:45 PM   #96
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Quote:
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Poor moms... You can't win, can you?
.
I've decided NOT to become a mom and that comes with a different kind of judgment! I don't think anybody can win!
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Old 06-19-2013, 08:47 PM   #97
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I have been a SAHM for 6 years since being pregnant with my first son. Our beliefs are strong for being avaliable to our kids as much as we can be. Recently my husbands workplace was looking for a very part time employee to write court reports and I took the job, knowing that my hours and days were really flexible and I would work as little as 10-12 hours a week, the only way working is an option for me is because we can work our schedules so my husband will be with the kids while I am at work. It is the only way I would ever go back to work for even 10 hours a week is if it was my husband caring for my kids. We know that many people choose other paths but for us maintaining one set of rules, one set of values, one set of behavior standards is super important!!

I think the thing in this whole discussion that bothers me the most is that no working mothers are willing to admit they are missing out/ sacrificing anything. I think as a SAHM the sacrifices are obvious- finances, adult interaction, career advancement etc. But I never hear working moms admitting that they don't have it all either. No matter which way you slice it working or staying at home sacrifices are being made somewhere



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Old 06-19-2013, 08:56 PM   #98
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When you become a parent then sometimes things don't work out how you think they will. So people may plan to return to work but the reality is that it can be hard to juggle.

There are so many offensive statements made in this thread

-daycare raises children
-school is a babysitting service!
-people only work for luxuries

One way is not the right way for anyone. Families operate differently. It is insulting to insinuate that working parents are not connected and there for their children.

As a mother of older kids I can tell you that I would have no idea what kids spent time in daycare and what kids had a SAHP. The righteousness that is shown when someone defends their family situation is over the top. To explain that what worked for your family is one thing, but that doesn't mean that is the same case for all families.

And I am not a working parent, I am a long term SAHM.
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Old 06-19-2013, 08:59 PM   #99
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Originally Posted by sonnyjane View Post
I've decided NOT to become a mom and that comes with a different kind of judgment! I don't think anybody can win!
No kidding. I get judged for waiting to long to have kids, my sister gets judged for having too many (she was aiming for 3 and got 5) my SIL gets judged because hers are 'too close together,' my friend gets judged cause she only has one....
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Old 06-19-2013, 09:08 PM   #100
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Originally Posted by mrsklamc View Post

I don't think wishing for more and claiming you can't afford something when really you just choose not to prioritize that way are the same thing.

I think her point was just that the guy was kind of 'whining' that he couldn't afford for his wife to stay home on a 400k salary. He can afford it, he just chooses not to...or more likely, with a politician, he doesn't even want it, he's just trying to be relate-able.
I tend to think you second reason is exactly right. He was just being nice.
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Old 06-19-2013, 09:09 PM   #101
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What's wrong with wishing for more? Like I wish I could stay home AND still live the lifestyle I live?
Well I agree there. I can't imagine not seeing the benefits of both. .

Sorry for stepping in. I get being tired of people complaining. But I probably do the same depending on the topic.
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Old 06-19-2013, 09:10 PM   #102
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Originally Posted by Blessedwithboys View Post

I think the thing in this whole discussion that bothers me the most is that no working mothers are willing to admit they are missing out/ sacrificing anything. I think as a SAHM the sacrifices are obvious- finances, adult interaction, career advancement etc. But I never hear working moms admitting that they don't have it all either. No matter which way you slice it working or staying at home sacrifices are being made somewhere



I

Of course working mothers acknowledge this. What do you think they're saying when they tell the SAHMs that they wish they could afford to stay home as well? I know there are times when I have to make decisions on priorities and something gets left out. Every choice will have its benefits and it's challenges - you weigh the 2 sides and come up with what works best for your family.
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Old 06-19-2013, 09:10 PM   #103
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I tend to think you second reason is exactly right. He was just being nice.
Oh I didn't mean he was being nice at all, I meant he was being fake to try and get votes.
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Old 06-19-2013, 09:25 PM   #104
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Oh I didn't mean he was being nice at all, I meant he was being fake to try and get votes.
I meant nice as in sociable. I would suspect that he doesn't understand the choices that that poster and her husband have made but he couldn't really say that, could he?
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Old 06-19-2013, 10:46 PM   #105
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Quote:
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But so what? Why are you offended by the choices other people make?
I am not offended by people's choices. I am not offended at the choice that some families make to have both parents work. I AM offended at the insinuation that having a SAH parent is some kind of luxury accessible only to the 1%. People get by on far less because having a SAH parent is important to them, and they don't feel "luxurious" while driving 15 year old cars and clipping coupons. So don't say you can't afford the luxury when the truth is you CHOOSE not to.

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Not that poster, but it seemed she was complaining about people complaining. Don't say you can't afford something when it is more a case of priorities.

But I could be wrong.
You are not wrong.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jrmasm View Post
What's wrong with wishing for more? Like I wish I could stay home AND still live the lifestyle I live?
Doesn't everyone? That's why people play the lottery.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsklamc View Post
I don't think wishing for more and claiming you can't afford something when really you just choose not to prioritize that way are the same thing.

I think her point was just that the guy was kind of 'whining' that he couldn't afford for his wife to stay home on a 400k salary. He can afford it, he just chooses not to...or more likely, with a politician, he doesn't even want it, he's just trying to be relate-able.
Exactly.

Quote:
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Oh I didn't mean he was being nice at all, I meant he was being fake to try and get votes.
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