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Old 06-20-2013, 03:17 PM   #136

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Originally Posted by Granny square View Post
Lol, I totally panicked in trying to apologize!

Thank you!!
I knew what you meant and I'm sure others would as well. Just didn't want someone getting upset with you.
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Old 06-20-2013, 03:30 PM   #137
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Originally Posted by quandrea View Post
Did your mom work full time? I don't think it's up to grandparents to raise their grand kids while the parents work to support the two income trap. I know of many grandparents who do it while secretly voicing the utter exhaustion it causes. It does take a village but grandparents have historically been there to step in on occasion when mum and dad can't be there.
Personally I am looking forward to someday babysitting for my grandkids so my daughter can continue working. I would never put myself in the position of depending on someone else's money and I hope my daughter won't either.

Originally Posted by mrsklamc View Post
In addition, if your DH works full time and you don't have a job you get paid for-- you darn well SHOULD be the one picking up the dry cleaning, etc, so the working spouse gets to maximize the time they have with the family when they are home. She gets zero sympathy on that from me.
I agree- if one spouse is staying home they should be doing 99% of the house work/errands etc.

Originally Posted by ReneeA View Post
I am one of those that didn't enjoy being a SAHM (and I always felt bad for saying it out loud). I felt trapped and bored out of my mind. I love my children to pieces, but I far prefer the school age to baby stages.

I stayed home for 10 weeks when my daughter was born and couldn't wait to get back out in the adult world- I felt like my brain was becoming mush staying at home!

Originally Posted by moon View Post
I haven't read any of the replies, but I think the saddest part of the article was when she said "My kids think I did nothing"

Wow, just wow.

I've seen this first hand. Friends when I was growing up who laughed at their mom and spoke about her as if she was a dummy who knew nothing, all because "she doesn't work". She cleaned, cooked did laundry, ironed... but to her kids, that wasn't work, and wasn't worth anything.

Sad indeed...

I spent most of my childhood wishing my mom would get out of the house and go to work! I loved her but 24/7 of her was just smothering to me!!
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Old 06-20-2013, 04:01 PM   #138
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I live in a country where there is a fairly large spread between what I can earn and what I have to pay for household help or childcare. I have a solid job with medical insurance and a pension - that is an asset to our whole family.

When my kids were born I negotiated a 3/4 hour day and therefore only worked until about 2 p.m. I lived 5 minutes away from work and used to go home for lunch and to breastfeed the youngest, and I also pumped at work. The kids weren't in daycare - they were at home with a lovely paid child care provider, and my parents lived next door and would drop by often to visit (and check on things). The lady taking care of the kids was way more inclined to get down on the floor and play with my kids than I have ever been - it's just much more natural to her than it was to me. My kids were very attached to her, and even though she hasn't worked for us for about 6 years now, we still keep in touch. She likes to know what the kids are up to. My kids are also very attached to my parents. I am happy to know that if anything ever happened to DH and I, our kids would be OK - they know how to bond with others.

DH's job ended several years ago and he had to decide whether to look for a new one of whether to chase his dream of opening his own business. He chose the latter, and this would not have been possible without my salary. The recession hit shortly afterwards and the business is still struggling. We need my salary now more than ever. I'm the one with a professional qualification, and will always be able to find a job - DH doesn't have much in the way of
Luckily, even though I work slightly longer now, my job is still completely flexible. I attend school events, I carpool with others so that some days I take the girls to ballet and gymnastics (and other days I don't have to). I take a car full to school in the morning as it's convenient for me, and I get my kids taken home in the afternoon (when they don't have an activity). On the days I'm not home from work yet they go to my parents - mum feeds them and then they do their homework. She volunteered for that - she likes having a close relationship with her grandkids. Two afternoons a week we have a cleaning lady come in to do all the laundry, ironing, mopping and other heavy stuff. This frees us up so we don't have as much work to do at home and can spend more time relaxing together as a family.

I like to think I have managed to organize my life so that I can provide for my family but the kids also get what they need.
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Old 06-20-2013, 04:04 PM   #139
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Ah, the mommy wars! My husband and I both work and we both have fairly flexible schedules that allowed us to minimize the use of babysitters before our children started school and we don't need any after school care for our youngest who just finished Kindergarten. For me personally (and only me as this is my opinion only) that is the best of worlds, although it takes a bit of finagling sometimes to coordinate our schedules. We have a daughter in college who does not need to take out school loans so she will start her adult life both educated and debt free. We couldn't provide that for our kids and still feel comfortable about our retirement years if I had stayed home. I don't regret a thing for that reason.

Additionally, I work in a field where I am often in contact with women who have been left by their husbands and who have no current job skills and who have been out of the work force for a long time. They are often in their 50's and are scared to death about their futures. I am glad daily that I don't have to worry about things like that and I encourage my daughters to get the education and training necessary to take care of themselves and their future children come what may. Lest anyone accuse me of not holding conservative family values, let me assure that I do. I've been married over 20 years and believe strongly in the sanctity of family and marriage. However, nobody can predict the future and I want my daughters to be prepared for anything.

Last edited by Patience; 06-20-2013 at 04:09 PM.
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Old 06-20-2013, 04:24 PM   #140
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Originally Posted by aprilgail2 View Post

Personally I am looking forward to someday babysitting for my grandkids so my daughter can continue working. I would never put myself in the position of depending on someone else's money and I hope my daughter won't either.

I agree- if one spouse is staying home they should be doing 99% of the house work/errands etc.

I stayed home for 10 weeks when my daughter was born and couldn't wait to get back out in the adult world- I felt like my brain was becoming mush staying at home!

I spent most of my childhood wishing my mom would get out of the house and go to work! I loved her but 24/7 of her was just smothering to me!!
Eh 99% or a days work. Then both parents best be taking care of kids and house. Evening dishes were shared here. I did laundry, cooked, cleaned and homeschooled our kids into top universities and colleges. He did the outside stuff, car stuff and made sure he spent as much time as possible with us.

As far as being financially dependent, I'd agree that both parents need to be able to financially care for the family in the worst scenario.

Lol, brain mush stinks. It's good you got out. Some people aren't good at keeping their own brain moving. And some just aren't happy at home. Your daughter would have known that you weren't content.
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Old 06-20-2013, 04:25 PM   #141
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I admire the sacrifices all mothers have made for their families. I salute you! For me, personally, staying with all 3 babies and homeschooling has been a priority for us. It's soooo hard, but the benefits outweigh other things. And I love learning with them! I do things totally different than my own mother, who worked her butt off, yet it has caused me to appreciate her sacrifices. The problem with us all is when we enter the pit of complaining......beware! Grace and peace to you all!
:"Someday my Prince of Peace will come, Some day we'll meet again, And away to His castle we'll go, To be happy forever I know..."
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Old 06-20-2013, 04:57 PM   #142
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I am saddened for the author that her life has not met her expectations. She worked with her first two children and was unhappy, now she has stayed home with her third child and is again unhappy. Perhaps her dis-satisfaction is deeper than how she spends her days. But she does not speak for anyone other than herself.

I left a job I loved to stay home with children I thought I'd never have...children that I refused chemo in order to have a chance at having. Children that I have treasured every single moment of mothering and being home with. They are my miracles and I am blessed to be with them. It's been many years now, and I can honestly say that I don't regret becoming stay at home mom. At all. My husband and I made the best decision for our family and are both still happy with our decision.

If you've made the best decision for your family--whatever that decision--ditch the guilt, live your lives, and don't give a second thought to what someone else would or wouldn't do. Life is too short.
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Old 06-20-2013, 05:36 PM   #143
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I am not offended by people's choices. I am not offended at the choice that some families make to have both parents work. I AM offended at the insinuation that having a SAH parent is some kind of luxury accessible only to the 1%. People get by on far less because having a SAH parent is important to them, and they don't feel "luxurious" while driving 15 year old cars and clipping coupons. So don't say you can't afford the luxury when the truth is you CHOOSE not to.
Well, there are shades in this. So maybe someone with $400K in income is probably being disingenuous, but there are many reasons why a family who would appear from the outside to "obviously" be able to afford it might not really be able to without taking some irresponsible risks.

In our case, the issue is retirement. My mother (a SAHM, btw) ended up disabled, and my father died young, before his pension properly vested. She died when I was 35, and from age 18 until her death a very large chunk of my income went to supporting her. I'm in my 50's now, and I'm desperately trying to play catch-up with retirement funding and insurance plans, because the one thing I'm absolutely sure that I need to do for my kids is to NOT depend upon them to support me in my old age. As it is, I won't be able to retire until I'm 70, presuming that I live that long.

DH and I were both laid off in the past decade (DH twice), and DH now makes about 60% of what he did five years ago, yet he still significantly out-earns me. However, I carry our health insurance, and DH doesn't have access to a group plan, because that is the norm in his profession. If I SAH we would have to pay OOP for health coverage, and that would mean dropping our life insurance policies and still probably paying out more than I currently take home (as so much of my income goes to insurance and retirement funding -- again, so that our kids will never have the burden of financially supporting us. The money isn't going to give us a luxurious retirement, but it should be enough to keep us off their financial backs.)

Yes, we spend about $4K a year in travel, but as we both had parents who died young, we want for our kids to have that opportunity WITH us, to grow in that sense and to get outside their comfort zone. The travel expenditure is a conscious choice for that reason, because you never know when lightning may strike. However, we live in a very tiny paid-for home, we carry no debt now (though we both had student loans that also took a large chunk out of our income until our mid-30's), we drive cars until they wear out, and we dress from thrift stores whenever possible. We don't smoke, we don't drink, and we don't have any otherwise expensive hobbies other than the travel. We don't live large, but we still need my income for the future.

Besides all that, the fact is that I simply don't have the temperament to be a good SAHP. I lack patience, and even when I WAS a kid I didn't much like spending time around kids. DH would be better at it than I would, by far, but again, he's the primary earner by a long shot, and besides that, even though he would be decently good at it, he really doesn't want to do it, which AFAIK, is something that no one has ever asked him to justify. He likes working, and somehow that's OK for him.

Last edited by NotUrsula; 06-20-2013 at 05:56 PM.
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Old 06-20-2013, 05:51 PM   #144
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Originally Posted by Pooh Crew View Post

If you've made the best decision for your family--whatever that decision--ditch the guilt, live your lives, and don't give a second thought to what someone else would or wouldn't do. Life is too short.

I have not read all the replies, I am guessing it is the same old, same old that I have read many times on the Dis before!

I have been a SAHM for 20 years now, with no regrets at all!

It drives me crazy when I read comments about daycare "bringing kids up". Some of my closest friends as well as my brother and my husbands siblings all used daycare. All of the children are nice kids, well adjusted kids and their parents surely "brought them up"!

Additionally, my own two boys (one is going into his senior year and my oldest is in college) have many, many friends. All of their friends grew up with both parents working outside of the house. They have awesome friends, they grew up just fine going to daycare. I see no difference between my two and their many friends. They are all just nice kids!

People need to do what is best for their family. I think if people could just feel comfortable with their lifestyle, they wouldn't have a need to make disparaging comments about the opposite choice. Whenever I read comments (on either side) of people explaining their choice and in doing so, making their choice superior to the other choice, I just feel sad for them. Stop explaining about being with your kids 100% of the time, daycare raising kids, brains turning to mush, 401 K's, no one can care for your kids better than you, multiple vacations a year, the importance of being available to your kids for every school function/sporting event/field trip/class party etc. blah, blah, blah!!! Just do what YOU feel is best, no need to explain at all!!! As long as a child is loved, they will be fine!
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Old 06-20-2013, 06:04 PM   #145
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I'm a SAHM mom but it wasn't due to choice, it's due to disability. My disability is hidden (GAC alert) so I can feel caught in the crossfire when acquaintances assume I'm a SAHM by choice.

Being a SAHM affects current and future employability and paycheck.
Being a SAHM can have wonderful bonding moments.
Being a SAHM can involve much work that goes unrecognized and again unpaid.
Being a SAHM is reasonably well respected when the kids are very little and less respected as the kids get older (aka kindergarten age or older).
Being a SAHM is dependent on maintaining a good relationship with your spouse.
Being a SAHM has its own challenges, especially in the beginning if there is isolation or exhaustion with raising small children.
Being a SAHM can be the perfect choice for some people and the not-ever choice for others and that is ok.

Being a SAHM has given me an indulgence of time with my kids. My husband knows how much I appreciate him working. He seems to appreciate our home life and how the kids are turning out and my contributions there. It works for us, and while I regret that I'm a SAHM by necessity and not by choice, I do not regret all the time that I get to enjoy raising my kids.
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Old 06-20-2013, 06:07 PM   #146
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Originally Posted by allison443 View Post
Except you said you worked full time when they were little...so were you "choosing" your career over your children then? Maybe I don't understand your wording....I just don't think it is such a simple "choice" of either children or career... and working moms aren't necessarily choosing a career over their kids.
It isn't usually a simple choice. It is a continuum, not two sides of a coin. She wasn't choosing career over kids when she worked; the situation (in her case, a special needs child that benefits from one-on-one care) hadn't yet forced a choice. For many parents, they never have to choose - a average job and typical kids are a balancing act, but one that can certainly be managed successfully. But when you add other variables into the mix - an especially demanding career or one with erratic time demands, a child with special needs, other family members that might need care (ie an elderly parent) - that's when the either/or starts to pop up.
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