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Old 06-20-2013, 12:58 PM   #1
mantysk8coach
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Just venting - feel free to ignore!

So I got a text on Monday from some friends of ours, that they were hosting an anniversary party/baby party (they just found out they are expecting twins) - not a formal party really, but just more of an excuse to get together and celebrate. The party is Saturday, and she said she'd send a follow up text later in the week with details.

Followup text just came. They are doing a cookout and bonfire. Sounds great, right? Details were - bring your own meat. And booze. And a salad or dessert to pass. This rubbed me the wrong way.

Am I out of line thinking that if you "host" a party, you provide most of the food? I wouldn't have had an issue at all bringing a dessert or something - but it sounds like the guests are providing ALL the food.

Am I out of line thinking this is kind of tacky? I understand money is tight, it is for us too. But then just have the bonfire without all the food, you know?

ETA - Saturday is our wedding anniversary also, so I think DH and I are going to just go out to dinner ourselves and stop by after for the fire.

Sorry - I normally don't ever post vents like this, but this just rubbed me the wrong way.
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Old 06-20-2013, 01:03 PM   #2
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I don't find it necessarily tacky.

Our family reunion is like that. It wasn't always, but people were often picky, and then started to complain because they didn't like the food.

So the family BBQ has become, "Bring your own food, we provide the grill."
They aren't expecting us to share the meats, but things like devilled eggs, salads, desserts, chips, and finger foods are brought with the intention to share.

Another great reason for bringing your own meat is, in my family's case... allergies. My brother is allergic to all poultry, so it's always best if we bring our own hotdogs.

I think this sounds more like hanging out but having each family have their own separate main course, with the idea of a potluck for the rest of the dishes.

My own personal parties are always potlucks, but I always provide the main dish, expecting everyone else to bring the sides and desserts, and drinks. I provide the main dish, the venue, and the entertainment.
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Old 06-20-2013, 01:09 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kogo Shuko View Post
I don't find it necessarily tacky.

Our family reunion is like that. It wasn't always, but people were often picky, and then started to complain because they didn't like the food.

So the family BBQ has become, "Bring your own food, we provide the grill."
They aren't expecting us to share the meats, but things like devilled eggs, salads, desserts, chips, and finger foods are brought with the intention to share.

Another great reason for bringing your own meat is, in my family's case... allergies. My brother is allergic to all poultry, so it's always best if we bring our own hotdogs.

I think this sounds more like hanging out but having each family have their own separate main course, with the idea of a potluck for the rest of the dishes.

My own personal parties are always potlucks, but I always provide the main dish, expecting everyone else to bring the sides and desserts, and drinks. I provide the main dish, the venue, and the entertainment.
I see what you're saying. Maybe if they had worded differently up front, instead of saying "hosting an anniversary celebration" I wouldn't have been so surprised by the details. Or maybe I'm just crabby today. LOL!
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Old 06-20-2013, 01:10 PM   #4
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I guess it's more of a potluck but not really. A potluck would be bring a dish to share, this seems more like bring your own food for yourself as well something to share.

I guess I would find it a bit strange but would still go and have fun. This way if you want hot dogs you bring hot dogs, or if you want something like marinated steak tips you bring those. Honestly if it were me having the party and I didn't want to provide food I would either do a potluck or just have a bonfire and make it after supper time and have everyone bring a dessert.
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Old 06-20-2013, 01:14 PM   #5
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I've been invited to cookouts like that before. It's on the same level as a pot luck. You bring your own meat plus a side. Usually they are very casual get togethers and a lot of fun. It's nothing new, I went to my first one in the 70s but I lived in a beach community where things can be more casual. It's not on the same level as hosting a dinner party
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Old 06-20-2013, 01:15 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mantysk8coach View Post
So I got a text on Monday from some friends of ours, that they were hosting an anniversary party/baby party (they just found out they are expecting twins) - not a formal party really, but just more of an excuse to get together and celebrate. The party is Saturday, and she said she'd send a follow up text later in the week with details.

Followup text just came. They are doing a cookout and bonfire. Sounds great, right? Details were - bring your own meat. And booze. And a salad or dessert to pass. This rubbed me the wrong way.

Am I out of line thinking that if you "host" a party, you provide most of the food? I wouldn't have had an issue at all bringing a dessert or something - but it sounds like the guests are providing ALL the food.

Am I out of line thinking this is kind of tacky? I understand money is tight, it is for us too. But then just have the bonfire without all the food, you know?

ETA - Saturday is our wedding anniversary also, so I think DH and I are going to just go out to dinner ourselves and stop by after for the fire.

Sorry - I normally don't ever post vents like this, but this just rubbed me the wrong way.
Tacky. If I am hosting a party, I am providing food and drink. If you don't, you're really not hosting, you're just allowing people to use your house as a venue for their own dinner. If money is tight, the answer is not to expect your friends to cater for you, it's to have beer and pizza rather than something more expensive!
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Old 06-20-2013, 01:17 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mantysk8coach View Post
I see what you're saying. Maybe if they had worded differently up front, instead of saying "hosting an anniversary celebration" I wouldn't have been so surprised by the details. Or maybe I'm just crabby today. LOL!
I do agree, they should have been more upfront about how it was going to work. But at least this way you know you'll like whatever you'll eat.

Our family is very blunt about it in their annual email. Bring your own meats. Bring a dish to share. Everything stays in coolers. No one uses the fridge unless it's for a shared dessert. :D
And they always tell my mom that she has to bring her devilled eggs or she can't come!!
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Old 06-20-2013, 01:26 PM   #8
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It's not the "everyone bring something and come" bit that's weird - it's the fact that this is a celebration party that this is being applied to. If we all want an excuse to get together that doesn't put anyone out of pocket we'll do it this way. But if it's the sort of celebration that people might feel inclined to bring gifts for, I would want to provide more for my guests if I were the host. Of course, this sounds so casual that I probably wouldn't bring a gift so I guess it doesn't really matter.
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Old 06-20-2013, 01:27 PM   #9
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I think it's tacky, especially because it's to celebrate something specific. So they're basically providing - fire? This isn't 10,000 BC. "Hey girl, like OMG, you wouldn't believe what happened yesterday when C'h'yka hit two stones together!" I'd be doing my own thing and then possibly stopping by later, like you mentioned.

My friends and I often get together to grill/hang-out, but the host always provides mostly everything. Usually people offer to bring something, but it's rarely expected.
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Old 06-20-2013, 01:35 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by ariel71 View Post
I think it's tacky, especially because it's to celebrate something specific. So they're basically providing - fire? This isn't 10,000 BC. "Hey girl, like OMG, you wouldn't believe what happened yesterday when C'h'yka hit two stones together!" I'd be doing my own thing and then possibly stopping by later, like you mentioned.

My friends and I often get together to grill/hang-out, but the host always provides mostly everything. Usually people offer to bring something, but it's rarely expected.




I think it's weird too. It would be one thing if it were a group of people were planning a get together where one person brings hot dogs, someone else condiments, a third provides the location or what have you. But to invite people over to celebrate an occasion/event and then tell them to bring meat and things to share, I don't get that.

In your shoes, I'd just pass on the whole thing and enjoy the evening out with DH for our own anniversary.
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Old 06-20-2013, 01:35 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mantysk8coach View Post
So I got a text on Monday from some friends of ours, that they were hosting an anniversary party/baby party (they just found out they are expecting twins) - not a formal party really, but just more of an excuse to get together and celebrate. The party is Saturday, and she said she'd send a follow up text later in the week with details.

Followup text just came. They are doing a cookout and bonfire. Sounds great, right? Details were - bring your own meat. And booze. And a salad or dessert to pass. This rubbed me the wrong way.

Am I out of line thinking that if you "host" a party, you provide most of the food? I wouldn't have had an issue at all bringing a dessert or something - but it sounds like the guests are providing ALL the food.

Am I out of line thinking this is kind of tacky? I understand money is tight, it is for us too. But then just have the bonfire without all the food, you know?

ETA - Saturday is our wedding anniversary also, so I think DH and I are going to just go out to dinner ourselves and stop by after for the fire.

Sorry - I normally don't ever post vents like this, but this just rubbed me the wrong way.
If it is a baby shower/anniversary party, it is definitely tacky. If you are hosting a party, then you should be the actual host.

But if this is just a get together with friends, as it sounds, sometimes it is ok to have a potluck.

My daughter was invited to a birthday cookout next weekend. It is a birthday party, so I was a bit taken aback when the Mom called and 'assigned' me a side dish to bring. Didn't even ask what I wanted to bring, just assigned me a dish.

I thought that was very tacky. I would never ask guests to bring something if I was hosting a party. Even if they asked if they could bring something, I would say no.

But different strokes for different people.
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Old 06-20-2013, 01:35 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mantysk8coach View Post
So I got a text on Monday from some friends of ours, that they were hosting an anniversary party/baby party (they just found out they are expecting twins) - not a formal party really, but just more of an excuse to get together and celebrate. The party is Saturday, and she said she'd send a follow up text later in the week with details.

Followup text just came. They are doing a cookout and bonfire. Sounds great, right? Details were - bring your own meat. And booze. And a salad or dessert to pass. This rubbed me the wrong way.

Am I out of line thinking that if you "host" a party, you provide most of the food? I wouldn't have had an issue at all bringing a dessert or something - but it sounds like the guests are providing ALL the food.

Am I out of line thinking this is kind of tacky? I understand money is tight, it is for us too. But then just have the bonfire without all the food, you know?

ETA - Saturday is our wedding anniversary also, so I think DH and I are going to just go out to dinner ourselves and stop by after for the fire.

Sorry - I normally don't ever post vents like this, but this just rubbed me the wrong way.
That's my train of thought. We have friends that host a cookout every year. They buy all the meats (burgers, brasts, dogs and the buns and the toppings), drinks (water, beer, pop/soda) and she makes a couple of side dishes. They ask everybody else to bring along a side dish to add to the table. The cookout is held memorial day weekend and its also right around the DH's birthday, so she always has a birthday cake for him, as part of the dessert lineup. The cost of hosting the party, falls mostly on their shoulders. The cost of the dishes I take are not even a dent in her meat budget. She would cancel the party, before she'd asked everybody to bring all their own food to a party at her house.
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Old 06-20-2013, 01:45 PM   #13
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Tacky. If I am hosting a party, I am providing food and drink. If you don't, you're really not hosting, you're just allowing people to use your house as a venue for their own dinner. If money is tight, the answer is not to expect your friends to cater for you, it's to have beer and pizza rather than something more expensive!
VERY TACKY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its an anniversary party/baby party...which means, theyre celebrating! And they indicated that theyre hosting. So when you host, esp when a celebration is involved, you, as a host, should be providing the food for petesake!!! Asking your guests to bring food is VERY TACKY!
Even if you invite a bunch of people over for dinner, you should provide the food. You cannot invite someone over for dinner then say, "great, pls bring your own food!". Very tacky!

HOWEVER, if a bunch of friends MUTUALLY decided it would be nice to have a potluck get together.....then thats definitely acceptable and a lot of fun. Even if this conversation were to occur, it would be fine: "hey sue, I was thinking of having a potluck at my place, what do you think? if youre interested in attending, let me know what you want to bring". Thats totally ok. But to say "hey im HOSTING a party, details to follow". The details finally arrive via email, and it says you should be bringing your own grub....ummm, no thanks. I'd end up coming later as well, after a nice dinner out!

Bottom line here is that its very tacky to be celebrating something and asking ppl to bring their own food.

When I host a party, I provide EVERYTHING from app to dessert to drinks. I dont ask my guests to bring anything, even when they insist. Thats just how I am. I enjoy doing it.

EDIT TO ADD: There were many threads like this before, always turns out ugly. Just sayin.
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Old 06-20-2013, 01:50 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mantysk8coach View Post
So I got a text on Monday from some friends of ours, that they were hosting an anniversary party/baby party (they just found out they are expecting twins) - not a formal party really, but just more of an excuse to get together and celebrate. The party is Saturday, and she said she'd send a follow up text later in the week with details.

Followup text just came. They are doing a cookout and bonfire. Sounds great, right? Details were - bring your own meat. And booze. And a salad or dessert to pass. This rubbed me the wrong way.

Am I out of line thinking that if you "host" a party, you provide most of the food? I wouldn't have had an issue at all bringing a dessert or something - but it sounds like the guests are providing ALL the food.

Am I out of line thinking this is kind of tacky? I understand money is tight, it is for us too. But then just have the bonfire without all the food, you know?

ETA - Saturday is our wedding anniversary also, so I think DH and I are going to just go out to dinner ourselves and stop by after for the fire.

Sorry - I normally don't ever post vents like this, but this just rubbed me the wrong way.
I wrote this same post just shy of a year ago! I was shocked at the invitation. I'm supposed to provide the meat and the side and she wanted me to bake a cake. It wasn't our anniversary but my birthday instead.

We went and I brought a side item and a banana pudding. I explained we wouldn't be staying long and just wanted to do a quick visit with everyone. We didn't know the hosts very well as they had just came to my husband's unit but it was still a work thing.

I still roll my eyes a year later at this. I don't mind potlucks, I don't mind helping, bringing something but don't do me a favor and "have a party" and want me to provide everything else. In all fairness they did have several appetizers and grilled a few of their own things but it was still just odd to me. People were for lack of better word jockeying for space on the grill and making sure people got what the did bring. Just not my thing and I'm by no means a snob though I get it sounds that way.

I hope you have a better party!
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Old 06-20-2013, 01:53 PM   #15
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Years ago when we were poor grad students, most of our get togethers were like this. However, If I was actually hosting an event, a birthday or something specific, I would provide.

Nowadays, we do get together with friends at our house quite a bit, as we have a pool. We provide all meats, non alcoholic beverages, an alcoholic drink or punch and a side or dessert and most folks will bring a side or desert and whatever booze they want. It's more like a communal dinner. Still, if I am actually hosting a specific occasion, we provide everything.
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