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Old 06-19-2013, 04:54 PM   #91
dansamy
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Well, you're already there. You got two choices. Lay out a time frame & be fully prepared (as in you've been saving, have your own household supplies, etc) to move out when that time is up. Or make an ultimatum & be ready to leave now.

I would not have moved in without something more concrete than "I don't know if I want to get married again."
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Old 06-19-2013, 04:57 PM   #92
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Originally Posted by WDSearcher
I think that living together used to be a commitment. But times have changed. People start living together after knowing each other for three or four months. I know a couple who started living together after dating for less than six months because one person's lease was up and he needed a new place to live. The other person had a great apartment but needed furniture. He had furniture, she had an apartment, they were sleeping together at the time so hey -- move in! But there was no commitment involved other than him agreeing to pay half the rent.

It wasn't like they'd sat down and talked about their future and made a balanced and logical decision to move to the next step and cohabitate. Girl needed a roomie, guy needed somewhere to live and poof! Living together. They broke up four months after he moved in, but they still share the apartment, even though he now spends most of his time over at his new girlfriend's house.

Fair enough. But in the OP's situation, I'd like to know how that is not considered a commitment. Because obviously what you're describing is different.
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Old 06-19-2013, 04:59 PM   #93
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I'm (sort of) surprised at how many people here are against moving in together before marriage/engagement.

I live with my boyfriend. We moved in together very quickly because it was the right decision for us. I'm happy that we did. We learned what it's like to be around each other day in and day out, how to manage our finances as a unit, deal with everyday problems, etc. I don't think I'd want to get married before knowing someone on this sort of level. I'm more comfortable knowing that we're compatible in every way. I don't want the only thing keeping us together to be a legal document, I want it to be love. This is a real commitment, whether everyone thinks so or not.

As for the OP... I would give him more time. If things in the home are happy, and your families are doing well together, there's no reason to rush. One year is not too long to be together and not engaged. It's good to discuss what you want for your future, but don't forget to enjoy your current life together, too.
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Old 06-19-2013, 05:11 PM   #94
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Quote:
Originally Posted by goofyintoronto View Post
Fair enough. But in the OP's situation, I'd like to know how that is not considered a commitment. Because obviously what you're describing is different.
It is? Sounds very similar to me.
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Old 06-19-2013, 05:36 PM   #95
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And have made it clear that one day (not tomorrow) you would like to get married, would you find it odd that the guy NEVER mentions it, unless someone brings it up...then says 'I have a plan' this coming from someone that can't plan out 30 secs from now!! It just strikes me a little odd! I've made it very clear I don't want to waste my time if he isn't ever interested in being married again!! Thoughts??

If it helps we are in our early 40s and a blended family, we all get along great!!
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Originally Posted by luvmylittleboy2003 View Post
Thanks everyone for all the great feedback!!! I have tried recently (couple weeks ago) to revisit the topic. I mentioned a story about my friend (who had flown in from TX) and how her and her husband met and got married, etc!! When I brought up 'us' and where we stood he said 'he couldn't afford a ring right now due to bankruptcy' and 'its only been a year'. I just played it off as no big deal, but I guess it's been eating at me more than I realized
The bolded in both posts jumped out at me. "this coming from someone that can't plan out 30 secs " 'he couldn't afford a ring right now due to bankruptcy"

OP, are you sure there aren't any other issues?

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It is? Sounds very similar to me.
Sounds very similar to me, also
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Old 06-19-2013, 05:57 PM   #96
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3. The boyfriend is not a stepfather to the child
snipped

Then what do you call a man who lives with the mother and her child?

They live together. Therefore the boyfriend is taking on the role of a father to the child.
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Old 06-19-2013, 06:04 PM   #97
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thewishfire View Post
I'm (sort of) surprised at how many people here are against moving in together before marriage/engagement.

I live with my boyfriend. We moved in together very quickly because it was the right decision for us. I'm happy that we did. We learned what it's like to be around each other day in and day out, how to manage our finances as a unit, deal with everyday problems, etc.
Ok side note...combining finances with someone you are not married to is a terrible, terrible idea. If they decide to drain the bank account you have zero recourse.
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Old 06-19-2013, 06:16 PM   #98
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I was in a similar situation to the OP. My boyfriend and I got together in 2009, and just over a year later he moved in with me and my daughter. I felt the same way for a long time - was this relationship going to proceed to marriage? I agonized silently over it, not wanting to box him in by mentioning it, but also really wanting the "permanent" feeling that a ring and a piece of paper provides. It's a silly thing, really, a ring and a piece of paper.

Eventually I just stopped torturing myself over it. Settled into the idea that we're together and our life is wonderful and that's all that matters. I stopped obsessing over what I didn't have and started focusing on what I did have.

Anyway, he asked me to marry him this past January. We got married earlier this month. I was so settled on the idea that we would never be married that I'm still in shock over it.
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Old 06-19-2013, 07:13 PM   #99
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gert View Post
I was in a similar situation to the OP. My boyfriend and I got together in 2009, and just over a year later he moved in with me and my daughter. I felt the same way for a long time - was this relationship going to proceed to marriage? I agonized silently over it, not wanting to box him in by mentioning it, but also really wanting the "permanent" feeling that a ring and a piece of paper provides. It's a silly thing, really, a ring and a piece of paper.

Eventually I just stopped torturing myself over it. Settled into the idea that we're together and our life is wonderful and that's all that matters. I stopped obsessing over what I didn't have and started focusing on what I did have.

Anyway, he asked me to marry him this past January. We got married earlier this month. I was so settled on the idea that we would never be married that I'm still in shock over it.
I don't think wanting a ring and a piece of paper is a silly thing. If it's important to someone it's not silly. DH & I decided NOT to live together prior to getting married, even though we spent every moment together that we weren't at work. We felt it was right for us to wait on moving in together until we had made the commitment before God and our families. Of course, we dated for 2-1/2 years, so we knew each other pretty well.

I do not look down on other people who do otherwise. My youngest sister moved in with her boyfriend after they had talked about marriage. He said he wanted to marry her, but wanted to wait awhile. She HEARD, "I want to get married!" Well, months passed, then years passed and DSis was more and more unhappy and frustrated with his waffling. Sometime in the 4th year she decided to hold his feet to the fire. He didn't like it--he would have happily gone on living together forever--but he realized that she was ready to walk. She needed that legal commitment. Six months later they were married and it's going on 22 years.

Diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks
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Old 06-19-2013, 07:42 PM   #100
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I wouldn't live with someone. Not my value system. I make no judgements about other peoples' value systems.

My theory always was if you love me you'll want to marry me.

Based on the OP's updating post, everything seems to have been settled to their mutual satisfaction. Sounds good.

My only other thought is that I wouldn't give an ultimatum or anything else. I'd just decide what I thought was best for me and my child and then do it. No ultimatums, no drama. Rent an apartment, get my stuff out of his place.

A simple "I love you and want this to go to the next level, that being marriage, but I see no movement on your part in that direction and our current situation is no longer acceptable to me so I'm leaving".

If we were living in my house then the conversation would be "I love you and want to go to the next level, which is marriage, but I see no movement on your part in that direction so I will need you to find another place to live by X date".

Simple really.
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Old 06-19-2013, 07:56 PM   #101
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KiKi Mouse View Post

snipped

Then what do you call a man who lives with the mother and her child?

They live together. Therefore the boyfriend is taking on the role of a father to the child.
Dup post

Last edited by wvjules; 06-19-2013 at 08:02 PM.
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Old 06-19-2013, 08:01 PM   #102
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snipped

Then what do you call a man who lives with the mother and her child?

They live together. Therefore the boyfriend is taking on the role of a father to the child.
I have lived with DBF for almost 5 years and not once have I considered him a step father to DD because that's not what he is to her.
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Old 06-19-2013, 08:45 PM   #103
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I have lived with DBF for almost 5 years and not once have I considered him a step father to DD because that's not what he is to her.
I am curious what you consider him to be then.
He doesn't partake in any parenting whatsoever?
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Old 06-19-2013, 09:21 PM   #104
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Originally Posted by wvjules

I have lived with DBF for almost 5 years and not once have I considered him a step father to DD because that's not what he is to her.
Doesn't matter what you consider him. It matters how she sees him & what role he takes in the home. If he co-parents, then she sees him as a father figure.
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Old 06-19-2013, 09:36 PM   #105
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wvjules

I have lived with DBF for almost 5 years and not once have I considered him a step father to DD because that's not what he is to her.
I hear you. Just because he's your partner and you all live together, it doesnt automatically give him the "step father" title. If I put myself in those shoes, im pretty sure my son would consider him as my partner. Or my son would call him whatever we are both comfortable with. And knowing me, I probably wouldnt ever be comfy with "step father"...whether or not he co-parents.
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