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Old 06-18-2013, 10:35 PM   #31
Alesia
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Originally Posted by luvmylittleboy2003 View Post
It's just a personel choice for myself and my son, that's why I asked him from the beginning. I would have never kept dating him if he had answered NO! I'm not in a hurry, but also don't want to invest several years into a relationship if we aren't on the same page.
I hate to say it, but "I'm not saying I don't want to get married again, but I'll know, at the time, if it's right!!" translates to "I might get married again, but it won't be to you."
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Old 06-18-2013, 10:38 PM   #32
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It just depends on what you want. I will give you my story and I am sure some will think I am stupid but here it is.....

I started dating my boyfriend and moved in at 6 months as well....found out I was pregnant shortly after that. I was told I would never have a kid so it was a shock to both of us but that is another story....

He told me that since being divorced twice already he may or may not ever be ready for marriage again. It was my choice to stay or go. Since we were having a kid I decided to stay. We are a blended family as well and have now been together 8 years. I wanted to get re-married but as time went on I just realized that we are "married" and a piece of paper wasn't going to change that so I never pushed him about the issue. We are now talking of getting engaged this year (looking at rings) and getting married in 2015. We are getting ready to start building a house so money is a factor in the wedding. Since we have kids we want to have a wedding and include our family and friends. I never pushed the issue....had I pushed we probably wouldn't be together now. So I was happy in the relationship, everyone is faithful, we raise our kids together, have a great time, I help him in his busi ness etc and our relationship is great....so I decided it wasn't that big of a deal to me.

So I would say if you love him, you both are faithful and the relationship is good, then maybe give it some time. If it a deal breaker for you, then have that discussion.

First off, I thought you said "married again" for him....one failure is going to hold him back some. Second, you are older and the kids are already here so he probably doesn't see a rush. Third, it has only been a year.....and Lastly, maybe he is planning something.......
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Old 06-18-2013, 10:49 PM   #33
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Since you have kids, this discussion should have happened before you all moved n together not after. I cannot imagine uprooting my child to move in with a guy after only 6 months together before we even discussed the future or a commitment was made. you need to have that conversation now.
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Old 06-18-2013, 10:58 PM   #34
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Thanks everyone for all the great feedback!!! I have tried recently (couple weeks ago) to revisit the topic. I mentioned a story about my friend (who had flown in from TX) and how her and her husband met and got married, etc!! When I brought up 'us' and where we stood he said 'he couldn't afford a ring right now due to bankruptcy' and 'its only been a year'. I just played it off as no big deal, but I guess it's been eating at me more than I realized
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Old 06-18-2013, 11:43 PM   #35
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I'm confused...if marriage was so important to you why did you get involved with someone who made it clear it might never be important to him?

If there is a 'plan' then YOU need to know what it is, because you are responsible for a six year old. Moms don't have the luxury of letting their boyfriends play cutesy little games with what the plan is.
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Old 06-18-2013, 11:56 PM   #36
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Originally Posted by mrsklamc View Post
I'm confused...if marriage was so important to you why did you get involved with someone who made it clear it might never be important to him?

If there is a 'plan' then YOU need to know what it is, because you are responsible for a six year old. Moms don't have the luxury of letting their boyfriends play cutesy little games with what the plan is.
THIS!!! Why would you allow this man to become a surrogate father for your son when he won't commit to you? This is probably an unpopular thought, but why do so many women sell themselves short and move in with someone so quickly? We'll wash their clothes, fix meals, clean their houses, parent THEIR children all without the benefit of marriage. I just don't get it.
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Old 06-19-2013, 02:20 AM   #37
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It sounds to ME as if you have basically created a new family and new home for your son at this point. Your son is far to young to see your boyfriend differently over a marriage happening, so it will not really help your son to have that occur.

IF everything else is good, and your only issue is this, I think it is cruel to your son to have created this family for him and then accuse to to fall apart because you are pushing getting married AFTER you have already put your son into living with a new father figure, etc.

If there are other serious reason why you feel you need to end this, then okay (though then WHY even consider marrying the guy if there are such serous reason). If not, for the sake of your little boy, BACK OFF, so that you don't push your boyfriend away and have your young son live through yet another crumbling relationship and unstable home life.

Personally, I always tell my kids (teens) that when they are older i hope that they never consider making a lifetime commitment to someone without being together a MINIMUM of a year--it takes that long to have the "infatuation stage" end and start seeing if you do well together long term. I think two years is more reasonable. So, to have been pushing this issue from 5 months, and be worried that he is not ready to marry after only a year seems a little too fast and possibly immature thinking about love and longevity and what relationships are built on, to me.

My husband and I have been married 17 years. We dated four and a half years first, and were only engaged for the last 13 months of that. We were "headed that way" for a long time--but needed to be really firm and sure and I think that worked well for us. I've never doubted, even for a moment, our marriage or wondered "what if" or wished we had done something differently early on.

You are talking about a lifetime commitment to each other AND a long term commitment to your little boy, from someone who has had a failed commitment in the past (and one presumes that you might have had one as well, given your son). WHY would you want to rush into that or try to fore someone into that when they are not 100% ready?
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Old 06-19-2013, 06:42 AM   #38
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Quote:
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I moved in @ 6 months, we've been dating a year total. He said he wasn't saying he didn't want to get married again, but that he would know, at the time, if it was right!!
It sounds to me as though you have your answer... IF it's ever right, he'll let you know. Since he hasn't, you can assume that it's not yet "right." And, to be fair, apparently he said this before you chose to move in together. So, while you're saying that marriage is very important, your actions seem to indicate otherwise.

You, of course, have more than just yourself to consider. Keep an eye on the big picture... the more time that little boy spends in that houae, the greater the loss if your boyfriend decides that the time will never be right.

Your boyfriend is NOT the one sending the mixed message; his is fairly clear. You, on the other hand, SAY you value marriage, but move in together anyway. I don't blame your boyfriend for being confused about the priority you claim to place on marriage.
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Old 06-19-2013, 07:21 AM   #39
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When I brought up 'us' and where we stood he said 'he couldn't afford a ring right now due to bankruptcy' and 'its only been a year'. I just played it off as no big deal, but I guess it's been eating at me more than I realized
"Its only been a year" wow this from a guy who was ready to move in at five months? I guess he was fine with that rushed timeline because it was something he wanted. Marriage I guess, not so much.
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Old 06-19-2013, 08:01 AM   #40
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If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it...
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Old 06-19-2013, 08:06 AM   #41
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"Its only been a year" wow this from a guy who was ready to move in at five months? I guess he was fine with that rushed timeline because it was something he wanted. Marriage I guess, not so much.
Good point!
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Old 06-19-2013, 08:26 AM   #42
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I think that living together before marriage is often quite a good thing. My experience was the exact opposite of so many posters here: living together made me realize just how well our lives worked together and how much I wanted to live with this person for the rest of my life. I wouldn't have gotten married without it. However, I didn't have any dependents, which made the situation easier for me.

If you think your boyfriend feels rushed and that things will change with time, give it time. Forcing a commitment is never a good idea: it's a big reason that divorce happens. However, you should also trust your gut, and if your gut is telling you things will never change, then you need to cut your losses.

Either way, this will be really tough on your son, who needs stability.
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Old 06-19-2013, 08:29 AM   #43
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I would think that marriage wasn't really his priority. If it was mine, I probably wouldn't have moved in with him unless we were engaged or were already married.

You have to decide how important getting married is to you. One year isn't really that long and some people live happily never getting married. Only you can decide how you want to live your life.
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Old 06-19-2013, 08:38 AM   #44
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Ok, so we talked a little last night and he said he doesn't put 'emphasizes' on marriage like I do!! He wants to make sure it's right this time and not jump into it. He wants to see how we handle problems together when they arise. What I think he may be referring to on this is 'the time we spend together, communication, etc', because we really don't have any other issues...I'm aware of!!! Basically, I'm saying we need to spend more time together and communicate, do the little things that matter, etc and he is fine with less time because he likes to have hobbies (not outside the home, things like working in the garage, etc), as far as the communication...well, you have to see each other more than a hr a night for that and I know it's in him to do 'the little things' because he did it in his last marriage (go see her at work once a week, little cards, notes, etc). I think there can be balance, we've talked about this before...it changes for a bit and goes right back. He said he has some ideas and we will talk more tonight. After typing and reading this....I think I'm seeing the bigger picture!!! Hmmmmm
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Old 06-19-2013, 08:44 AM   #45
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Are you really only seeing each other about one hour a day?
That's not much of a relationship.

When you were dating and not living together, how much time did you spend together? Did he make more of an effort to spend time with you? Is the fact that you are right there under the same roof, making it easier for him to ignore the fact that he's not keeping you as a priority in his time?
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