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Old 06-18-2013, 08:51 PM   #1
*JoGo*
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Disagreeing with spouse over something kid wants to do?

My dh and I are disagreeing over something our kid wants to do. This isn't a major thing, but as he gets older I'm sure it's going to come up more and more.

How do you handle this type of situation?
It's basically an "I say yes, dh says No" situation.

Does the parent saying no get their way? If he only occasionally said no, I'd be more understanding and willing to side with or agree with him. But dh's knee-jerk answer is No. Even after talking together, without kid around.

I will admit I am not completely thrilled with my kid going to an amusement park with a friend we aren't crazy about, is about 2 1/2 hours away, and we don't know the people in the youth group/adults going. But he's a really good kid and doesn't ask for much. So I was going to let him go even though I'm hesitant. Reading how this sounds, I promise I am not a helicopter parent.
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Old 06-18-2013, 08:53 PM   #2
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How old is your son?

I would say let the parent who says "no" have his way but it sounds like he says "no" a lot. That part troubles me.
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Old 06-18-2013, 09:02 PM   #3
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We were lucky, our kids generally had a pretty good idea when one of us would be inclined to say no, and just didn't ask.

I do recall a few instants were I wasn't thrilled, but DW usually twisted my arm. Most of those involved our DD when she hit High School and got into the music scene and wanted to go to concerts and performance. Not sure if this is unique to this area, but there are a couple of teen only music clubs here, run by, and located on church properties. One even has a coffee shop next to the club.....kind of a neat outreach program on the churches part, providing the kids the venue they want, in a supervised manner.
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Old 06-18-2013, 09:07 PM   #4
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I think it's very important for the parents to be on the same page.
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Old 06-18-2013, 09:14 PM   #5
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Dh and i have a lot of 'I don't know what do you think' discussions when the kids come to us. Usually I am the immediate 'no', but I have realized that and know I am usually too conservative. Now that the oldest is 19, I like to think I have softened up a bit.
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Old 06-18-2013, 09:20 PM   #6
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We had a lot of behind closed door discussions. We also had a basic rule of thumb that "no" was never the automatic response if it was discussable. A request would sometimes come with a "let me talk to Mom/Daddy" or in many cases since I was the one who was home the most, I would give my consent .

I agree that parents should be on the same page but we did not always agree and I made a lot of decisions without consulting DH. I'm rational, have a sense of caution, am protective etc. I certainly never felt I had to run everything past DH for approval.

How old is your DS and you mentioned a group?
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Old 06-18-2013, 09:22 PM   #7
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The age of the child is critical to an answer here.
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Old 06-18-2013, 09:26 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by *JoGo* View Post
My dh and I are disagreeing over something our kid wants to do. This isn't a major thing, but as he gets older I'm sure it's going to come up more and more.

How do you handle this type of situation?
It's basically an "I say yes, dh says No" situation.

Does the parent saying no get their way? If he only occasionally said no, I'd be more understanding and willing to side with or agree with him. But dh's knee-jerk answer is No. Even after talking together, without kid around.

I will admit I am not completely thrilled with my kid going to an amusement park with a friend we aren't crazy about, is about 2 1/2 hours away, and we don't know the people in the youth group/adults going. But he's a really good kid and doesn't ask for much. So I was going to let him go even though I'm hesitant. Reading how this sounds, I promise I am not a helicopter parent.
Get to know the adults in any youth group of which your child is a part. Not knowing the adults, and having qualms about the participants? Your husband is right to not send your child off in that situation. Volunteer to go on as many outings as possible, including this one. Then you're not 2-1/2 hours away.
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Old 06-18-2013, 09:43 PM   #9
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As far as my son knows, mom and dad agree on everything. Behind the scenes there is a lot of negotiation.
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Old 06-18-2013, 09:49 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by Sadie22 View Post
Get to know the adults in any youth group of which your child is a part. Not knowing the adults, and having qualms about the participants? Your husband is right to not send your child off in that situation. Volunteer to go on as many outings as possible, including this one. Then you're not 2-1/2 hours away.
totally agree
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Old 06-18-2013, 10:01 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janepod View Post
As far as my son knows, mom and dad agree on everything. Behind the scenes there is a lot of negotiation.
That's what we aim for... but kids know who to work first depending on their case .
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Old 06-18-2013, 10:30 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by Janepod View Post
As far as my son knows, mom and dad agree on everything. Behind the scenes there is a lot of negotiation.
Why? It's impossible for 2 people to always agree on everything. Wouldn't it be good to show a child that mom and dad can disagree but still love one another and have a mature discussion about the issue and also in every relationship there are compromises that have to be made.

My DH and I don't argue in front of our DD or even really not in front of her but we do discuss things with her in the room at times. She knows that sometimes if one of us has strong but rational feelings about her doing something or not doing something things might not go the way she wants.
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Old 06-18-2013, 10:33 PM   #13
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We decide together BEFORE giving the kids an answer. How we decide most of the time is whom ever truly feels more strongly about his or her answer. If your husband feels very strongly that he should not go, and you just think he would be ok to go.....he gets to say no. But, as an example.....you feels very strongly that you should never take the kids out of school for WDW and your DH thinks it really would be ok, you get to say no.

In that situation, it would really depend a lot on his age and why you don't like the child, but I would tend to agree with your DH but I have been called a helicopter parent.
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Old 06-18-2013, 10:48 PM   #14
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We are pretty simular. I usually say yes while DH says no. Big things we decide together. In your situation where I think it's ok and DH says no I would probably plead my case for why I'm ok with it. If he was still adamant that its a no I'd have to support his position.
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Old 06-18-2013, 10:53 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Poohforyou View Post
Why? It's impossible for 2 people to always agree on everything. Wouldn't it be good to show a child that mom and dad can disagree but still love one another and have a mature discussion about the issue and also in every relationship there are compromises that have to be made.

My DH and I don't argue in front of our DD or even really not in front of her but we do discuss things with her in the room at times. She knows that sometimes if one of us has strong but rational feelings about her doing something or not doing something things might not go the way she wants.
I don't agree. I don't want him to think one of us is undermining the other, that one is a soft touch, that there's a good cop/bad cop dynamic. I think that when kids see parents disagreeing, it opens the door for the kids to manipulate the parents.

I feel strongly about this because my parents agreed on *nothing* and I used this discord to play one against the other so I would always get my way. Not only did it make me spoiled, indulged, bratty, and difficult, but it made me have very little respect for both parents. Not going to let it happen in my house.
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