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Old 05-27-2013, 11:24 PM   #31
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I would let him go.

To those who say that he is still dependent and therefore still a child, that might be so but at some point it becomes time to loosen the strings a bit. I think that it's better to allow that freedom gradually than all at once when they leave home.
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Old 05-27-2013, 11:26 PM   #32
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But sit him down and give him the sex talk. Even if you have already. It's your right as a parent to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. You can't control whether or not your son has sex, but you can encourage him to use protection (go ahead and buy the condoms) and not do it until he knows the time is right.
Oh, go ahead and give him a complex! Maybe pull out a children's book explaining the birds and the bees and make him sit next to you while you bawl your eyes out reading it to him?
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Old 05-27-2013, 11:27 PM   #33
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I think I'd be pretty relieved he was going to be safe with his gf's family on prom night, rather than somewhere less safe.

If I was told the parents were going to have them sleep in separate rooms, I'd believe them and assume they know it's important to me. But I'd also know that, even so, sex could occur, but that would be something I would have discussed long before now with my son. (Of course, I'd reiterate.) But really, that aspect of their lives, at this point, is pretty much beyond your control if they're having sex regularly anyway.
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Old 05-27-2013, 11:32 PM   #34
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Originally Posted by Pea-n-Me View Post
I think I'd be pretty relieved he was going to be safe with his gf's family on prom night, rather than somewhere less safe.
Agree. The after parties can be just as risky and have as bad of a long term effect on a teenagers life as premarital sex.
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Old 05-28-2013, 07:30 AM   #35
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How old is the girlfriend? Is she 18 or 16?
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Old 05-28-2013, 07:35 AM   #36
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I dealt with a similar situation when DS was 18 and a high school Sr. I knew he was having sex with his GF, they told me. I was not happy about it because I didn't like the GF but I was not naive enough to think I could stop it.

We had a younger sib at home and DS knew this type of thing would not fly with us at our home but we also knew that when he was with GF at her Mother's house (divorced parents, shared custody) her Mother had no issue with them sleeping together. He spent weekends with her at her Mothers house. I spent a lot of time discussing safe sex.

I'd let him go, you can't stop the behavior but you can remind DS of his responsibilities to protect himself from an unwanted pregnancy
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Old 05-28-2013, 07:35 AM   #37
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hello everyone, i would like some other opinions...

my son is 18 and going to prom this coming friday with his g/f of a little over a year. her mother wants him to go with them to their shore house after the prom and stay the weekend there. she will be there to supervise.

i know they are having sex, and i am not ok with it, although her mother is. she said they will not be sleeping in the same room at the shore. truthfully i dont have any faith in that happening.

i believe that if i say ok to him going just because it is prom they will expect it to be ok any other time.

his father (my ex) seems to think he should be able to go. i dont think he realizes our daughter may ask the same question when it is her turn for prom....

her mother is really badgering me about this and will not let up.

opinions, thoughts or comments?
Well, it is one of those things. Kids grow up.

Since this is a long term GF, I say yes.
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Old 05-28-2013, 07:39 AM   #38
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He's 18, you know he's having sex. Just let him go. Of course you're not okay with him having sex (what parent is super gung-ho about that?) but as PPs have suggested, what is the sense in not letting him go? They're in a long term relationship and her mom will be there. Preventing him from going sounds like you're personally cooking up a side of resentment on his behalf.

Ditto the others who have said drunk driving is more of a concern than sex in my book.
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Old 05-28-2013, 07:47 AM   #39
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Originally Posted by Planogirl View Post
I would let him go.

To those who say that he is still dependent and therefore still a child, that might be so but at some point it becomes time to loosen the strings a bit. I think that it's better to allow that freedom gradually than all at once when they leave home.
I agree with you about loosening the strings. That's something that should be happening starting in middle school, if not before. My issue is with people who say once the kid turns 18 that's the end of parent involvement. Maybe in their homes that's true. However, in mine, as long as we're supporting our child we will have a say in what she does. I would expect her to ask if she could go to her boyfriend's beach house. I would expect us to have a discussion about it. I wouldn't tolerate her simplying saying she's going and that's that.

As for the parent in the nursing home analogy, I think if a child is supporting a parent than the child should have some say in what the parent is doing. It isn't simply the sex aspect. Someone who wants to have sex will find a way no matter how difficult the circumstances.
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Old 05-28-2013, 07:53 AM   #40
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He's 18, he's an adult. You have to let go sometime. My son was 18 living at home and had a job. Our rule was we just wanted to know where you were going and when you thought you might be home. He went away on weekends with friends.

His one buddy who was older than him, would have to lie to his Mommy about what he was doing, she thought she had such a tight hold on him. He no longer talks to his parents, but we see him all the time. I do let her know he's okay. You've got to let them go and grow up. Her parents are going to be there. You can't stop the inevitable.
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Old 05-28-2013, 08:08 AM   #41
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pookybean View Post
hello everyone, i would like some other opinions...

my son is 18 and going to prom this coming friday with his g/f of a little over a year. her mother wants him to go with them to their shore house after the prom and stay the weekend there. she will be there to supervise.

i know they are having sex, and i am not ok with it, although her mother is. she said they will not be sleeping in the same room at the shore. truthfully i dont have any faith in that happening.

i believe that if i say ok to him going just because it is prom they will expect it to be ok any other time.

his father (my ex) seems to think he should be able to go. i dont think he realizes our daughter may ask the same question when it is her turn for prom....

her mother is really badgering me about this and will not let up.

opinions, thoughts or comments?

The 18 years old thing is irrelevant if he lives with you and you support him. My house, my rules. The way I would answer the question is this. Am I ready for a grandchild? If the answer is YES give him your blessing and send him on his way. If the answer is NO then I'd say no. It appears from your post that this girls mom not only is ok with them sleeping together but will probably make it easy for them to spend the whole weekend together. I wonder if she is even going or saying she is. The fact that mom is badgering you would make me MORE likely to say heck no. Something a bit off with mom here.

You can't stop them from having sex, especially if they are already doing it regularly. But that doesn't mean you have to make it easier for them. I guess I am suspicious by nature but I do not trust this girls mom to keep her word. Something off about her badgering and being ok with the sex.

Being that he is adult age, he needs a big long lecture on safe sex and babies. A scared straight kind of lecture. Now, not later. Sounds like girlfriends mom would be fine with a grand baby.
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Old 05-28-2013, 08:09 AM   #42
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Since you already know what will happen and he knows you don't approve there is not much else you can do really.

I would let him go. Besides you make it sound like they are going there just for that. It sounds like a fun weekend away with the GF's family. The mother is probably nagging you because she is trying to make plans for it. Maybe I am missing something with the other mother but that is how I would see it.
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Old 05-28-2013, 08:10 AM   #43
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How old is the girlfriend? What is the age of consent in PA? What is the age of consent in NJ/DE (wherever the beach house is)?

If things go wrong, and she is under the age of consent, that suddenly "permissive" family may change... no matter who is "supervising".
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Old 05-28-2013, 08:16 AM   #44
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Seeing I was staying at Coed parties ( which at times sex did happen between someone there) from the time I was 14, I would have no problem allowing my adult child to go away with his/her significant other for a weekend, with or without an adult chaperone.
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Old 05-28-2013, 08:34 AM   #45
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Originally Posted by dakcp2001 View Post
The 18 years old thing is irrelevant if he lives with you and you support him. My house, my rules. The way I would answer the question is this. Am I ready for a grandchild? If the answer is YES give him your blessing and send him on his way. If the answer is NO then I'd say no. It appears from your post that this girls mom not only is ok with them sleeping together but will probably make it easy for them to spend the whole weekend together. I wonder if she is even going or saying she is. The fact that mom is badgering you would make me MORE likely to say heck no. Something a bit off with mom here.

You can't stop them from having sex, especially if they are already doing it regularly. But that doesn't mean you have to make it easier for them. I guess I am suspicious by nature but I do not trust this girls mom to keep her word. Something off about her badgering and being ok with the sex.

Being that he is adult age, he needs a big long lecture on safe sex and babies. A scared straight kind of lecture. Now, not later. Sounds like girlfriends mom would be fine with a grand baby.
I don't agree that answering the question about grandchildren should determine how to handle situations like this. And a scared straight lecture?

When my son was just out of HS, his GF lost her Dad. My son helped arrange the services,etc, and the next thing I knew, her Mom was after him to move in Yup, she thought that my boy was the answer to all of her homework prayers.

Well, after the Mom asked me if she shocked me, (I said, yes, BTW ), I decided my son and I needed another talk about the facts of life....and this time it was about conniving mothers. Seriously, we did have to discuss the reasons that some people open their homes, and how it is not okay to be used. And we also had more discussions about safe sex, the consequences of unprotected sex, how protection does not always work, and how he was responsible for his own life, therefore, he should not be careless.

Dan knew that I was not okay with him moving in with his GF, and he knew that I had no respect for the mother who was basically using her DD so that she had someone to care for her home. But I never did tell him he could not go to her house, or pretend that he was not having sex. I did my best to prepare him for the difficult decisions he was going to need to make as he got older, and I did my best to make sure he was taking care not to become a father. This was not about me. This was about my son, and me doing my job as a parent.
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