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Old 05-24-2013, 10:45 PM   #16
DebbieB
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What rule?
The unwritten DIS rule that you should quote the post you are responding to.
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Old 05-24-2013, 10:55 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by DebbieB

The unwritten DIS rule that you should quote the post you are responding to.
Lol oh I never new that...I usually do it but just so I stay on topic, lol!
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Old 05-24-2013, 11:04 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trish.Glenn View Post
Last week I can home to a boy sitting on my front step. Hello can I help you? Yes I am looking for *********, sure he is my husband and at work can I help you? Well, the boy paused he is my dad. Holy holy crap!!!!! I quickly asked how old he was and quickly figured out the math, as when had my husband bedded this woman. It was before we met, right before but before. My poor hubby was blindsided and devastated. I have one child from my first marriage but we were unable to have our own. We have had foster kids but no biological children.

This child is in real trouble and his home situation is awful. The child's mother is not in a good place and has 4 other children. I am not even sure why I am writing this but my entire world is turned upside down. My husband's 13 year old son is coming to our house for the night tomorrow and I am nervous. Just confused and sad, sad for myself, my husband and the boy.

Has anyone had experiences with the juvinal court system, DSS or a chins order. I am not even sure what a chins order is.... I read about it online and I am still not sure. Lol you think life to going along fairly well and poof!
It looks like you guys are doing everything you can. My thoughts are with you and the boy during all of this. Maybe your family can provide him some stability.
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Old 05-24-2013, 11:13 PM   #19
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Have you spoken directly to the boys Mom? You had a DNA test done ( I assume the result showed positive for your husband being the father). There is a reason that at this time your husband has been brought into the mix-- but why. I might be a bit uneasy having a stranger spend the night even being that he is a child. Did you make sure there are no mental issues, drug issues, behavior issues, the list goes on and on.

I would also like to take a moment and say that kids need parents to guide the way to becoming great adults.

I am sure this is hard on you and your daughter let alone your husband. This could end up being a great blessing for you all. I am wondering why a grandparent was not asked to help out since your husband was denied the fact he had a child and was not placed on the birth certificate. Funny to keep it a secret for 13 years. ( did the mom get threatened with losing state support unless she gave names of possible men she had been with),

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Old 05-24-2013, 11:33 PM   #20
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Quite the shock for all of you, no doubt! How did the boy find out your DH was his dad?
Sounds like you have done an awful lot of research, footwork, etc. in the short time you have known.
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Old 05-25-2013, 12:59 AM   #21
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Wow, I can imagine the shock you are going through. I don't know what I would do on this situation. I wish you all the best of luck.
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Old 05-25-2013, 01:56 AM   #22
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There is a regular poster on the Dis who had her husband's unknown grown child contact them out of the blue, but this is quite a bit different than that.

I hope for the best for you and your family. How did the boy find out that your husband was his dad? Or has he always known? How frustrating that the mother didn't share it with your husband first.

Having been foster parents will definitely be a plus in this situation even though the boy is his own child.
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Old 05-25-2013, 05:56 AM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trish.Glenn View Post
Last week I can home to a boy sitting on my front step. Hello can I help you? Yes I am looking for *********, sure he is my husband and at work can I help you? Well, the boy paused he is my dad. Holy holy crap!!!!! I quickly asked how old he was and quickly figured out the math, as when had my husband bedded this woman. It was before we met, right before but before. My poor hubby was blindsided and devastated. I have one child from my first marriage but we were unable to have our own. We have had foster kids but no biological children.

This child is in real trouble and his home situation is awful. The child's mother is not in a good place and has 4 other children. I am not even sure why I am writing this but my entire world is turned upside down. My husband's 13 year old son is coming to our house for the night tomorrow and I am nervous. Just confused and sad, sad for myself, my husband and the boy.

Has anyone had experiences with the juvinal court system, DSS or a chins order. I am not even sure what a chins order is.... I read about it online and I am still not sure. Lol you think life to going along fairly well and poof!
Well my dh was blindsided a five yrs ago with a dd. She was over 18 though.

Right now they are not really close with each other. Not sure what is going on there.

I would tell you to be supportive and just take it one day at a time. Certainly contact all the legal channels and get a paternity test done.

I would tell you to lawyer up and then let them guide you.

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Old 05-25-2013, 06:44 AM   #24
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Hope all goes well. I wouldn't get to stressed over any back child support right now. I don't know what it is like where you are but here it is unlikely a court would ever order back child support when the father didn't know the child existed. Simply because there is no way could have known that they had an obligation to pay support.
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Old 05-25-2013, 07:03 AM   #25
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What a rapid life changing moment.

You have gotten a lot of great advice.

I only wanted to add that I hope the boy gets the help he needs, and the experience is as painless as possible for everyone. It's going to be some hard times adjusting to all that is new. But there is potential for happiness too.

It's stressful, hard news. Above all, be extra kind to yourself and your DH. I know you will be extra kind to the boy. I hope everything works out well.
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Old 05-25-2013, 07:23 AM   #26
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I would do exactly what my attorney says and proceed very, very carefully.

I would keep my attorney advised of every move I make with this child in this situation.

I understand that he is a 13 year old boy. I understand that he is telling you how hard his life has been. I understand that your first instinct is to protect.

But for your own protection and the protection of your family, you MUST proceed very carefully and logically with this and try and keep your emotions in check as much as possible.

There are so many "what ifs" in this situation, that it boggles the mind.
What if the boy's homelife isn't what he says it is?
What if the boy ran away from home and his mother doesn't know where he is?
What if you guys get accused of kidnapping and the child corroborates that story for some reason?

These are the 1st 3 questions that pop into my head.

Remember, there are 3 sides to every story...yours, mine and the truth. The truth usually lies somewhere in between.

A child who sounds as if they might be "troubled" who showed up on my doorstep out of the blue...well, let's just say while I wouldn't be cruel to the boy, I'd be treading very, very carefully.
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Old 05-25-2013, 07:23 AM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wdwmom3 View Post
Hope all goes well. I wouldn't get to stressed over any back child support right now. I don't know what it is like where you are but here it is unlikely a court would ever order back child support when the father didn't know the child existed. Simply because there is no way could have known that they had an obligation to pay support.
Yes, I have heard that as well.

OP, it sounds like you guys have things moving in the right direction legally with dna testing and a lawyer to guide you through the channels. I would leave all that stuff up to them and you guys work on figuring out how to get to know your dh's son.

It sounds like there is trouble in his home, and it sounds like he is reaching out for help. I hope you will update in a few months on how things are going. Realisically the person (mom) who should have taken care of this years ago is going to be the biggest problem.

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Old 05-25-2013, 08:20 AM   #28
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I don't really believe you can be charged for retroactive child support for a child you knew nothing about. The mother chose to not tell the father and deprive him of 13 years with his son. That was her responsibility. Here in nj you are required to list a father when you apply for govt assistance. I wonder what was put here.
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Old 05-25-2013, 08:26 AM   #29
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I don't really believe you can be charged for retroactive child support for a child you knew nothing about. The mother chose to not tell the father and deprive him of 13 years with his son. That was her responsibility. Here in nj you are required to list a father when you apply for govt assistance. I wonder what was put here.
I think you can be responsible for back child support especially if the government has been picking up the tab. Might depend on location.
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Old 05-25-2013, 08:28 AM   #30
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This has all moved so quickly from the details in your post. I didn't even know you could get DNA results done and back that quickly. You must be talking to the mother during all of this since you have had a DNA test and he is already going to stay with you. What is she saying to you and your husband? Why now? Why did she have the son show up at your door?
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