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Old 05-24-2013, 09:49 PM   #1
Trish.Glenn
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Help... Husband has a son!

Last week I can home to a boy sitting on my front step. Hello can I help you? Yes I am looking for *********, sure he is my husband and at work can I help you? Well, the boy paused he is my dad. Holy holy crap!!!!! I quickly asked how old he was and quickly figured out the math, as when had my husband bedded this woman. It was before we met, right before but before. My poor hubby was blindsided and devastated. I have one child from my first marriage but we were unable to have our own. We have had foster kids but no biological children.

This child is in real trouble and his home situation is awful. The child's mother is not in a good place and has 4 other children. I am not even sure why I am writing this but my entire world is turned upside down. My husband's 13 year old son is coming to our house for the night tomorrow and I am nervous. Just confused and sad, sad for myself, my husband and the boy.

Has anyone had experiences with the juvinal court system, DSS or a chins order. I am not even sure what a chins order is.... I read about it online and I am still not sure. Lol you think life to going along fairly well and poof!
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Old 05-24-2013, 10:01 PM   #2
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First things first. I would get a DNA test done, just to be sure.
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Old 05-24-2013, 10:02 PM   #3
hereyago
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trish.Glenn View Post
Last week I can home to a boy sitting on my front step. Hello can I help you? Yes I am looking for *********, sure he is my husband and at work can I help you? Well, the boy paused he is my dad. Holy holy crap!!!!! I quickly asked how old he was and quickly figured out the math, as when had my husband bedded this woman. It was before we met, right before but before. My poor hubby was blindsided and devastated. I have one child from my first marriage but we were unable to have our own. We have had foster kids but no biological children.

This child is in real trouble and his home situation is awful. The child's mother is not in a good place and has 4 other children. I am not even sure why I am writing this but my entire world is turned upside down. My husband's 13 year old son is coming to our house for the night tomorrow and I am nervous. Just confused and sad, sad for myself, my husband and the boy.

Has anyone had experiences with the juvinal court system, DSS or a chins order. I am not even sure what a chins order is.... I read about it online and I am still not sure. Lol you think life to going along fairly well and poof!
Holy crap! Ok, not to sound mean, but your dh needs to lawyer up, petition the court for DNA testing and from there get child support (13 plus back child support would suck) and visitation/custody issues would also follow. Wish y'all luck.
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Old 05-24-2013, 10:02 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trish.Glenn View Post
Last week I can home to a boy sitting on my front step. Hello can I help you? Yes I am looking for *********, sure he is my husband and at work can I help you? Well, the boy paused he is my dad. Holy holy crap!!!!! I quickly asked how old he was and quickly figured out the math, as when had my husband bedded this woman. It was before we met, right before but before. My poor hubby was blindsided and devastated. I have one child from my first marriage but we were unable to have our own. We have had foster kids but no biological children.

This child is in real trouble and his home situation is awful. The child's mother is not in a good place and has 4 other children. I am not even sure why I am writing this but my entire world is turned upside down. My husband's 13 year old son is coming to our house for the night tomorrow and I am nervous. Just confused and sad, sad for myself, my husband and the boy.

Has anyone had experiences with the juvinal court system, DSS or a chins order. I am not even sure what a chins order is.... I read about it online and I am still not sure. Lol you think life to going along fairly well and poof!
sorry, forgot the rule.
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Old 05-24-2013, 10:02 PM   #5
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What a lot to digest! Counseling may help you, your husband and his son.

It sounds like you're in Mass - am I right? Was a CHINS filed by his bio mom? They're usually filed by parents, school or police for a chid who is misbehaving/not doing well. Once filed, the child and parent go to court to determine the next step - sometimes counseling/anger management, sometimes an alternative school, sometimes a treatment facility/detention center. You mentioned DSS - that office no longer exists in Massachusetts. It is now the Department of Children and Families or DCF. Is his son involved with DYS/the court?

He's staying with you? Why? Does the court know? Is his dad listed on a birth certificate?

I'd recommend meeting with a social worker/case worker (he may have been assigned one because of his CHINS/DYS involvement) and seeing what the process is. If your DH is not listed as a biological parent, he is under no legal obligation to help out. I would NOT have him stay with you without ensuring that it's OK with the court and/or his caseworker if he is committed to DYS or involved with DCF.
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Old 05-24-2013, 10:08 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hereyago

Holy crap! Ok, not to sound mean, but your dh needs to lawyer up, petition the court for DNA testing and from there get child support (13 plus back child support would suck) and visitation/custody issues would also follow. Wish y'all luck.
This. Because even if he gets custody now, at 13, the mother still raised him, either on her own or with government assistance, to this point. There's going to be thousands of dollars of arrears involved.
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Old 05-24-2013, 10:14 PM   #7
Trish.Glenn
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bounce_Tigger
What a lot to digest! Counseling may help you, your husband and his son.

It sounds like you're in Mass - am I right? Was a CHINS filed by his bio mom? They're usually filed by parents, school or police for a chid who is misbehaving/not doing well. Once filed, the child and parent go to court to determine the next step - sometimes counseling/anger management, sometimes an alternative school, sometimes a treatment facility/detention center. You mentioned DSS - that office no longer exists in Massachusetts. It is now the Department of Children and Families or DCF. Is his son involved with DYS/the court?

He's staying with you? Why? Does the court know? Is his dad listed on a birth certificate?

I'd recommend meeting with a social worker/case worker (he may have been assigned one because of his CHINS/DYS involvement) and seeing what the process is. If your DH is not listed as a biological parent, he is under no legal obligation to help out. I would NOT have him stay with you without ensuring that it's OK with the court and/or his caseworker if he is committed to DYS or involved with DCF.
Yes I am in mass and we have had a DNA test. That was the first thing we did. He is just staying the night tomorrow, 1 night. My husband Is not listed in the birth certificate but we go to court in a couple weeks. He does have a chins order on him but I do not know how or where it came from. DYS ( sorry I called it DSS) is involved but I don't know why yet. Oh and we got a lawyer....
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Old 05-24-2013, 10:15 PM   #8
Trish.Glenn
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kimblebee

sorry, forgot the rule.
What rule?
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Old 05-24-2013, 10:15 PM   #9
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OMG! Definitely get your legal ducks in a row. If you aren't careful, you could be charged with kidnapping even if your DH is listed as the biodad and even if the boy came of his own accord without consulting you first.

That said, how lucky is he that his Dad and his stepmom (is that the right term in this case?) are former foster parents? I may be stereotyping, but I'd guess you have some experience with taking in children under unusual circumstances.

Good luck and stay safe.
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Old 05-24-2013, 10:16 PM   #10
Trish.Glenn
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kimblebee
First things first. I would get a DNA test done, just to be sure.
We did...I should have stated that in my op, lol. Big important fact to leave out....sorry
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Old 05-24-2013, 10:19 PM   #11
Trish.Glenn
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dansamy

This. Because even if he gets custody now, at 13, the mother still raised him, either on her own or with government assistance, to this point. There's going to be thousands of dollars of arrears involved.
Government assistance NOT on her own at all. We did speak to a lawyer but it is what it is.
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1995 - All Star Music
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2006 - Off property
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2009 - Off property
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Old 05-24-2013, 10:21 PM   #12
Trish.Glenn
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AntePrincess
OMG! Definitely get your legal ducks in a row. If you aren't careful, you could be charged with kidnapping even if your DH is listed as the biodad and even if the boy came of his own accord without consulting you first.

That said, how lucky is he that his Dad and his stepmom (is that the right term in this case?) are former foster parents? I may be stereotyping, but I'd guess you have some experience with taking in children under unusual circumstances.

Good luck and stay safe.
Thanks but not for a few years. It got so hard when the kids left, really hard when they would go back to bad circumstances.
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Old 05-24-2013, 10:29 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trish.Glenn View Post
What rule?
I wondered that too, I assume the quote the OP rule in case they change the original post.

OP, wow! This is the stuff movies are made of. It sounds like this young man has had a rough life, and that you may be the answer to his prayers. Everything happens for a reason right? Best Wishes!
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Old 05-24-2013, 10:39 PM   #14
dansamy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trish.Glenn

Government assistance NOT on her own at all. We did speak to a lawyer but it is what it is.
That almost makes it worse... I know in our area, when a bio father is located, the government files to recoup their costs of providing assistance.
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Old 05-24-2013, 10:43 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trish.Glenn View Post
Yes I am in mass and we have had a DNA test. That was the first thing we did. He is just staying the night tomorrow, 1 night. My husband Is not listed in the birth certificate but we go to court in a couple weeks. He does have a chins order on him but I do not know how or where it came from. DYS ( sorry I called it DSS) is involved but I don't know why yet. Oh and we got a lawyer....
Sounds like you're doing all the right things! The reason I mentioned letting the court know that he's staying is that if he's DYS involved, he may not be allowed to stay with you, or he may be using you as a reason to "run"/escape court hearings/etc. He also may not be very emotionally stable right now - if his CHINS is in part due to aggression/violence/theft, I'd hate for something to happen while he was with you. DYS "passes" to other places have to be approved. But if his caseworker knows, I'm sure it'll go well! He may be required to "check-in" with someone a few times.

When he showed up at your door step, do you know if he ran away from home/wherever he was placed? Who are you in contact with? As I said, a social worker will be able to answer specific questions to the youth and your situation.

Best of luck to all of you! I've worked with DYS committed youths as a clinician in a residential treatment facility (when youths are removed from their homes due to criminal charges) and it's tough on families! But a strong support system is the best way for kids to be successful. Just know that you have lots of people willing to help!
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