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Old 05-09-2013, 11:21 PM   #1
sweetbambi
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Hospice situation--feel so alone

My MIL has lung cancer and is in an excellent hospice program. Since I was the only one without a full time job--and am a retired LPN--I offered to come stay with her. I am so resentful towards other family members who live nearby who have never offered me any respite and I am so full of pity for myself. Not that I don't love my MIL but in the last two months since I've been here, I visit with the hospice personnel and SIL when she visits every other weekend. If it were not for my Cymbalta......I couldn't make it. At least my husband is visiting for a week!
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Old 05-09-2013, 11:50 PM   #2
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to you..

What a wonderful woman you are. I can only imagine those feelings being natural..

I lost my MIL 12 years go to lung cancer, and was there for every chemo session and more. I can't imagine your situation..
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Old 05-14-2013, 11:16 AM   #3
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Bless you for being so caring towards your MIL.

I find it amazing that family members say they will help but when the times comes they conveniently disappear.

As a care taker you will need to give yourself breaks. AND you will need to stop worrying about what others refuse to do. It will drive you crazy and may hurt you health wise in-directly. (I speak from personal experience). Because you offered to help, the family members see no reason that they need to help. (which is sad because she is your MIL)

Just take it one day at a time. Perhaps talk with your husband about talking to his family. If no one wants to help then there is nothing you can do. (I am so sorry).

I have tried talking my husband, FIL and 2 BIL in taking turns in dealing with their mother who has bi-polar. If each person visited at least once a week, then they would only have to deal with the situation once a month. BUT, no one really wants to help and a lot has fallen on my husband. REALLY ticks me off because if they just worked together, it would be beneficial to all.

Hugs and pixie dust of support.
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Old 06-06-2013, 08:55 PM   #4
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I have finally made the family see that I must have some time off in order to function! Although I must go back in 11 days, I have had some wonderful time alone. And when I go back there will have to be two people in the house for the majority of the time since she is no longer able to walk by herself reliably. But people like me will always do what they have to do......
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Old 06-08-2013, 12:26 AM   #5
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I'm glad you are taking some time away, and time for yourself.

The stress is overwhelming, and exhausting.. I hope the sun shines a little for you
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Old 06-09-2013, 12:41 AM   #6
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The nature of Hospice is to involve family. It is unfortunate that you have become so much a necessity to other family members. I am glad you are taking a needed respite. Does your community or Hospice program offer caregiver respite services?

Bless you for your commitment. My father started the very first ever Hospice program in our rural Minnesota town, not knowing he would soon become a patient. All of us six kids learned a lot about death and dying in those years. Not just from my Dad's research, but his own participation.
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Old 06-09-2013, 12:57 AM   #7
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Your mother-in-law is fortunate to have such a lovely daughter-in-law!

I am glad that you managed a break from your responsibilities, and I am impressed and inspired that you're going to return when you already know the situation you're facing. Stay strong and know that you're giving a great blessing to your family by giving of yourself. And make sure you find someone to spell you, even if you have to guilt them into it. ;-) Caregivers also require care.
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Old 06-10-2013, 05:53 PM   #8
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Bless you for being wonderful enough to be there for your MIL in this difficult time. I lost my mother to triple negative breast cancer in mid-April. My mother started with hospice at home a week before she had to be admitted to the hospital hospice wing. My dad had done everything for her for months and only had about 1 good night's rest in weeks when she was admitted. I kept trying to help him but he always insisted I had enough to take care of with my 4 kids. On the night my mom was admitted to the hospital, I ended up taking my dad to the ER. They had to put 2 bags of fluid in him and give him valium to sleep--I thought he was going to have a stroke or heart attack but he was just dehydrated and exhausted. Please speak up and make people understand you need relief. I'd hate to see anyone in my dad's condition that night. God bless you and your family.
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Old 06-21-2013, 08:49 PM   #9
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My MIL died peacefully a week ago and she had the funeral that she had planned. Things were so rushed that none of us have had time to grieve yet so I am glad that my husband and I will have a few weeks together before he even has to think about going back to work. My daughter and 8 year old granddaughter were able to drive the Georgia to Louisiana trip because she doesn't start her new job for 10 days. Coincidentally, when they visited in March my GD had written her GGM a very nice, colorful letter and the family had framed it and taken it to the funeral home for the visitation, not knowing that my daughter and her daughter were going to come (it was a father's day surprise) and they had placed it in the casket--which made it not quite so hard for them to look at the deceased. We were very pleased, although most of us were xanaxed to the teeth!
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Old 06-21-2013, 09:27 PM   #10
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Sorry for your loss, but glad she passed peacefully.

That sounds like such a special tribute
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Old 07-30-2013, 08:10 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetbambi View Post
My MIL has lung cancer and is in an excellent hospice program. Since I was the only one without a full time job--and am a retired LPN--I offered to come stay with her. I am so resentful towards other family members who live nearby who have never offered me any respite and I am so full of pity for myself. Not that I don't love my MIL but in the last two months since I've been here, I visit with the hospice personnel and SIL when she visits every other weekend. If it were not for my Cymbalta......I couldn't make it. At least my husband is visiting for a week!
I just came out of a similar situation. Without going into my story (because I know it's that last thing you need right now) let me say 3 things:

1) hospice is amazing. Lean on them even now. Their bereavement support is great.

2) You did this for her and for you (clear conscious) don't think about what others did (or didn't do) because it can and will drive you nuts

3) your thoughts about wanting a break, wanting your life back- it's normal, they weren't bad/wrong thoughts. When you look back and realize those months are just a grain of sand in a lifetime and you gave yourself up for another human being- it feels right.

Compassion. You have it.
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Old 07-31-2013, 06:32 PM   #12
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Aww.. so sorry for your loss. Hope you get some well deserved rest.
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Old 08-05-2013, 05:56 PM   #13
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When it is all over you will feel good about yourself. Believe me.
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Old 08-31-2013, 08:00 PM   #14
pwdebbie
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I cared for my MIL for seven months before she died with hospice involved for the last two months. Yes, it is exhausting. But I have no regrets and would do it again. Give yourself a few years and then look back, and you may find as I did that these days were precious.
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