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Old 05-06-2013, 01:17 PM   #1
figmentswife
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Calm me down - In-Law issues

I have known my in-laws for 25 years, they have never really liked me, FIL told DH not to show up to our wedding, They are "born again" Christians that think they are ALWAYS right, and unless you agree with them you must not be a christian. They have little to no contact with their own brothers and sister because "they are not living right"

Almost 2 years ago DH and I decided that I no longer had to have a relationship with his parents but that he and the kids would continue, since I was the one they really seem to enjoy abusing. It has worked well for us all...for them most part.

However this weekend, MIL called and asked if DD wanted to come spend a week with them in August. DH asked DD and she said no. He asked why and she said because they talk bad about mommy when I am with them.

DH's parent's came by our house (I left with DD) and DH confronted MIL about talking about me, she admitted that she had but came up with excuses and reasons. He said, well that is why she doesn't want to spend a week with you this summer. MIL cried, walked out to her car, FIL at this point asks what is going on (he was on the phone before) and they decided to leave.

This morning, FIL calls DH and says "I can't believe you would take your DD's side, we don't talk about your wife and children can't be trusted" DH stuck up for our DD and even told FIL that MIL ADMITTED saying these things, then FIL says

"Your DD is NO LONGER WELCOME AT OUR HOUSE"

WHAT in the world is wrong with these people?

By the way, by DD is 11 - it's not like she is 16 and acting like a brat.

I feel bad for my DH because he loves his parent's but he has now decided that he is cutting them out of his life also.
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Old 05-06-2013, 01:22 PM   #2
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The good news is that your husband sees it.
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Old 05-06-2013, 01:23 PM   #3
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Ugh. Sometimes you just have to cut out the cancer and sometimes that cancer has blood ties. I had to do it with my sister. It's not the most pleasant thing, but my life (and my kids) is better for it. She could abuse me all she wanted but when she turned on my kids, that was the end.

Sorry you have to go through it.
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Old 05-06-2013, 01:23 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by figmentswife View Post
I have known my in-laws for 25 years, they have never really liked me, FIL told DH not to show up to our wedding, They are "born again" Christians that think they are ALWAYS right, and unless you agree with them you must not be a christian. They have little to no contact with their own brothers and sister because "they are not living right"

Almost 2 years ago DH and I decided that I no longer had to have a relationship with his parents but that he and the kids would continue, since I was the one they really seem to enjoy abusing. It has worked well for us all...for them most part.

However this weekend, MIL called and asked if DD wanted to come spend a week with them in August. DH asked DD and she said no. He asked why and she said because they talk bad about mommy when I am with them.

DH's parent's came by our house (I left with DD) and DH confronted MIL about talking about me, she admitted that she had but came up with excuses and reasons. He said, well that is why she doesn't want to spend a week with you this summer. MIL cried, walked out to her car, FIL at this point asks what is going on (he was on the phone before) and they decided to leave.

This morning, FIL calls DH and says "I can't believe you would take your DD's side, we don't talk about your wife and children can't be trusted" DH stuck up for our DD and even told FIL that MIL ADMITTED saying these things, then FIL says

"Your DD is NO LONGER WELCOME AT OUR HOUSE"

WHAT in the world is wrong with these people?

By the way, by DD is 11 - it's not like she is 16 and acting like a brat.

I feel bad for my DH because he loves his parent's but he has now decided that he is cutting them out of his life also.
Wow - I'd be upset too but at least your husband seems to know how to handle this situation and is sticking up for his wife and daughter (hopefully this helps make you feel calmer). Some people are just
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Old 05-06-2013, 01:24 PM   #5
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Sad, but it sounds like it's for the best. Any grandparents who would profess to love their grandchild and want to host her for a week, then turn on her for telling the truth, and the say that she's no longer allowed in their home--they don't deserve time with your children.

You must feel proud of your DD, though, for refusing to go along with your IL's mean remarks about you.
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Old 05-06-2013, 01:24 PM   #6
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Hugs to your family. But I am super impressed at your husband's response. A lot of guys would have backed down.
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Old 05-06-2013, 01:29 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by figmentswife View Post
I have known my in-laws for 25 years, they have never really liked me, FIL told DH not to show up to our wedding, They are "born again" Christians that think they are ALWAYS right, and unless you agree with them you must not be a christian. They have little to no contact with their own brothers and sister because "they are not living right"

Almost 2 years ago DH and I decided that I no longer had to have a relationship with his parents but that he and the kids would continue, since I was the one they really seem to enjoy abusing. It has worked well for us all...for them most part.

However this weekend, MIL called and asked if DD wanted to come spend a week with them in August. DH asked DD and she said no. He asked why and she said because they talk bad about mommy when I am with them.

DH's parent's came by our house (I left with DD) and DH confronted MIL about talking about me, she admitted that she had but came up with excuses and reasons. He said, well that is why she doesn't want to spend a week with you this summer. MIL cried, walked out to her car, FIL at this point asks what is going on (he was on the phone before) and they decided to leave.

This morning, FIL calls DH and says "I can't believe you would take your DD's side, we don't talk about your wife and children can't be trusted" DH stuck up for our DD and even told FIL that MIL ADMITTED saying these things, then FIL says

"Your DD is NO LONGER WELCOME AT OUR HOUSE"

WHAT in the world is wrong with these people?

By the way, by DD is 11 - it's not like she is 16 and acting like a brat.

I feel bad for my DH because he loves his parent's but he has now decided that he is cutting them out of his life also.
You have every right to be mad, hurt, angry with, upset, ticked off and any combo of these fellings towards your inlaws. As does the rest of your family members. They're family so you want to love them, but some times they just make it impossible to do so.

Hug your DD and let her know that this is not her fault and that everything will work at as it's suppose to.
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Old 05-06-2013, 01:33 PM   #8
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Good riddance to bad rubbish. Your family will be better off for not having these toxic people around.
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Old 05-06-2013, 01:34 PM   #9
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Hey, there. At least DH is seeing the true picture. I wouldn't give it anymore thought. Yes, it's upsetting; but they've made their decisions and poor choices by bashing you in front of YOUR child. And I don't blame your DD's choices either. I think she is being smart and very mature for her age.

On a similar note, I cut my mother out of my life. She would constantly put me down (even though she said she was only joking....yeah, right....thanks, mom) and whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on, she wouldn't be there. She'd rather talk about her Caribbean trips or what's wrong with her life than listen and help me. She only saw my children once a year - on Christmas. Quinn, our littlest, wouldn't even go up to her the last two Christmases because he didn't recognize her and he doesn't do great with people he doesn't know well. She talked about my stepbrother and my junkie sister like the sun rose and fell on them, but I didn't rate. I finally had enough a few months ago and cut all ties.

I can't tell you how great it feels. No tensing up if I see her number on the caller ID (to tell me about her lastest and greatest, you know) or seeing her FB posts praising my stepbrother and his wife with no mention EVER of my kids' achievements. It's freeing.

I hope this all quells down fast and that it doesn't upset you overly so. Just know you've got good friends, a wonderful husband who turned from the darkside, and a daughter who loves her mom.

We love you just the way you are. Disney-crazy and all!

Oh, and I second all the posts above me!
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Old 05-06-2013, 01:35 PM   #10
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It is sad that DH all along just kept thinking that it was a personality clash with me and his parents, but lately has seen that it was THEM.

Example (Oh, I have 100's) they went to a funeral of family friend, "witnessed" to a young girl - they told her she was going to hell - young girl died about 1 year later. DH's best friend calls and says "keep your parents away form her funeral or they will be taken away by the police" DH tells his parents not to go, they want phone numbers of everyone in the family to call and "clear things up" DH refused to give out any numbers and asked them not to go.

They asked who was getting my kids if something happened to us - we said my brother, they said that wouldn't work because my brother (who they don't know) isn't Christian "enough" we said it was not their choice, but ours, they then said "can we at least have DD" - apparently my son (their step grandson) isn't Really family

I am not:

Christian enough
Good enough cook
good enough wife
goof enough mother
I baby my children
I not training my children to leave home
I don't clean my house well enough

I could keep going........
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Old 05-06-2013, 01:36 PM   #11
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Good job to your DD and DH for standing up to them. I'm so sorry to has to be this way, but you can't let them terrorize your family. You are all better without their hatred.
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Old 05-06-2013, 01:37 PM   #12
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Kudos to your husband. Scrap'em off and move on.
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Old 05-06-2013, 01:37 PM   #13
figmentswife
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Just a note -

DD had NO IDEA that any of this went down - I took her away when they got here so she doesn't even know that DH talked to them about it.

How do you tell an 11 year old that her grandparents don't want her around?
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Old 05-06-2013, 01:38 PM   #14
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I give you a lot of credit for telling the incident in a fact based way. It's incredible what they have done. It's amazing to me when people will not admit to being wrong no matter who they hurt, including themselves! To see this involving a child by grandparents no less is just heartbreaking.

Shame on your MIL for bad mouthing you in front of your child! I think she will come to regret what she has done. But if she and her husband have not admitted they were wrong it doesn't look likely.

I also give you credit for going along with the family maintaining visits without you, knowing how they feel about you. I think it can splinter families when there are harsh feelings involved. You are so lucky to have a DH that has his eyes wide open and is rational.

Lastly, I couldn't get over how well you handled it. I guess after all these years, you kind of know what to expect and aren't surprised. Sadly. Sorry you have been going through this and that it has come to such an ugly conclusion. It's not your fault or your child's. Grandparents should cherish their grand kids and their mothers. There is always something good to be found in just about everyone. But some people make it really hard don't they?

I hope it doesn't get any messier. But with this kind of scenario, I guess it's best to brace yourself.
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Old 05-06-2013, 01:39 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by figmentswife View Post
I have known my in-laws for 25 years, they have never really liked me, FIL told DH not to show up to our wedding, They are "born again" Christians that think they are ALWAYS right, and unless you agree with them you must not be a christian. They have little to no contact with their own brothers and sister because "they are not living right"

Almost 2 years ago DH and I decided that I no longer had to have a relationship with his parents but that he and the kids would continue, since I was the one they really seem to enjoy abusing. It has worked well for us all...for them most part.

However this weekend, MIL called and asked if DD wanted to come spend a week with them in August. DH asked DD and she said no. He asked why and she said because they talk bad about mommy when I am with them.

DH's parent's came by our house (I left with DD) and DH confronted MIL about talking about me, she admitted that she had but came up with excuses and reasons. He said, well that is why she doesn't want to spend a week with you this summer. MIL cried, walked out to her car, FIL at this point asks what is going on (he was on the phone before) and they decided to leave.

This morning, FIL calls DH and says "I can't believe you would take your DD's side, we don't talk about your wife and children can't be trusted" DH stuck up for our DD and even told FIL that MIL ADMITTED saying these things, then FIL says

"Your DD is NO LONGER WELCOME AT OUR HOUSE"

WHAT in the world is wrong with these people?

By the way, by DD is 11 - it's not like she is 16 and acting like a brat.

I feel bad for my DH because he loves his parent's but he has now decided that he is cutting them out of his life also.
WOW. Cutting off their grandchild for speaking the truth. Lovely people.


Kudos to your DD for speaking up and kudos to you and DH for standing by her! It sure does sound like MIL & FIL are ensuring that they will be quite lonely, isolated people in their final years.
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