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Old 04-03-2013, 03:33 PM   #91
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Originally Posted by IvyandLace View Post
Do you have certain things that you DO not compromise on when your kids are at family member's homes?
Um, well, yeah. There are certain things that my children wouldn't be allowed to do no matter what. Underage drinking or smoking, watching R movies (well, the 13 year old at least), driving without a seatbelt...

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If you do have these areas, HOW do you handle them? Do you reference the "rules" prior to the family get-together or do you find that addressing them as they come up works better?
As others have said before "stricter rules" prevail. If we are stricter than the host family, our children follow our rules. If the host family rules are stricter, they follow their rules (as long as they aren't completely out of line).

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For example...My husbands' side of the family is very volatile and tends to be politically minded with every single one of the members of his family having a totally different political lean. This is ALWAYS discussed very heatedly at every get-together, and it is not pretty or constructive. Add to that fact that there is often heavy drinking and horribly offensive language being batted around in general...well, it makes me concerned about putting my daughter in that kind of environment...even for a short amount of time.
My family would just not participate in the conversation, and perhaps excuse ourselves. In fact, I might not even go to whatever event it is in which this could take place.
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Old 04-03-2013, 03:37 PM   #92
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Old 04-03-2013, 04:00 PM   #93
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So using that logic, Mormons are Christians?
Every Mormon I've met considers themselves Christian. They believe Jesus is the son of God.
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Old 04-03-2013, 04:14 PM   #94
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Wow! That's what I get for posting a thread topic and then being away from the boards for over 24 hours, huh?

The whole "religion" topic is what caused me to spend a few days phrasing my question before I even bothered to post. I REALLY did not want to veer off into where the thread derailed which is one reason I did not leave any specific examples with my original post.

That being said, I totally get that everyone has differing values and that it is healthy for kids to be exposed to differences in order to open dialogue as to what their beliefs/values are or should be. Totally get it. However, I wasn't really referring to that as much as this: Do you have certain things that you DO not compromise on when your kids are at family member's homes? What are the "no way, no how" areas? (I understand that this will be different for everyone.) If you do have these areas, HOW do you handle them? Do you reference the "rules" prior to the family get-together or do you find that addressing them as they come up works better? I can see problems with both-I do not want my daughter to offend the host(s) by stating something that might appear to be "judging" them nor do I want her to be exposed to things that we do not believe in.

Do you believe that consistency in your "family rules" outweighs the fact that you are together with family you do not see very often?

For example...My husbands' side of the family is very volatile and tends to be politically minded with every single one of the members of his family having a totally different political lean. This is ALWAYS discussed very heatedly at every get-together, and it is not pretty or constructive. Add to that fact that there is often heavy drinking and horribly offensive language being batted around in general...well, it makes me concerned about putting my daughter in that kind of environment...even for a short amount of time.

A totally different example from my side of the family: both of my sisters (one older, one younger) have preschool age kids. This past Christmas my older sister expressed concern about coming for Christmas dinner at my younger sister's house because my younger sister's daughter is not expected to sit at the table like her own children are. My niece has never been a good eater and so is often allowed to get down to play while we are eating. This was concerning to my older sister who said that this was a bad example to her own kids as they would rather be playing with their cousin instead of having to follow "the family rules" at the dinner.

As you can see, neither of these examples deals with religion so I hope we can steer the topic back on course.

Thanks! IVY
WELL I can answer more clearly now ... No heavy drinking and cussing around my child when younger .. now that he is 10 I can handle some inappropriate language , but heavy drinking is out. Goodness , what if something violent broke out and I don't want him to see that you always have to get boozed up at a family get together .. notice heavy drinking . Wine at the dinner table, a mixed drink before dinner .. totally fine with.

Can't be civil , well then we don't need to be at your house and you don't need to be at mine.

The eating issue , if you want yours to sit with family and eat so be it. I have made mine sit at times when he didn't want to . Just because cousins get to play doesn't mean you have to let yours . It is also fine to let them get up and play IF you are ok with it. We can't always be the favorite Mommy on the block can we ? Don't you wish we were all given the same manual to raise our kiddos lol.
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Old 04-03-2013, 04:17 PM   #95
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An example of what I wouldn't tolerate.

We invited some friends over for a casual evening. One couple has two kids that are good friends with our kids. They've also experienced some recent marital problems and are working on their relationship. The other couple lives next door and their children are grown.
Toward the end of the evening the female member of the younger couple was drunk. She became angry with her partner and started yelling at him and using obscenities. I handed her her purse and told her that she needed to go home. Her behavior was unacceptable and I wasn't going to expose my kids to it (they were playing elsewhere, and I don't think any of the kids heard anything.) She got control of herself and they left. We just spent Easter at their house and had a lovely time. No drunkenness, no arguing.

That is one example of my limits. If I had been at a gathering, with our kids, where people were drunk and yelling curse words, we would have left. Likely would have left, anyway! That is not fun.

At our house, we do usually stay at the table until we're all finished. We'll start cleaning up or allow the kids to finish up their chores during seconds When we're at another's home, they eat at the table and basic manners are expected. They can get up after finishing if the hosts don't mind. What someone else's kid is doing (or not doing) isn't my problem unless they are at my house. Even then, I'm more concerned with safety than manners.
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Old 04-03-2013, 04:25 PM   #96
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An example of what I wouldn't tolerate.

We invited some friends over for a casual evening. One couple has two kids that are good friends with our kids. They've also experienced some recent marital problems and are working on their relationship. The other couple lives next door and their children are grown.
Toward the end of the evening the female member of the younger couple was drunk. She became angry with her partner and started yelling at him and using obscenities. I handed her her purse and told her that she needed to go home. Her behavior was unacceptable and I wasn't going to expose my kids to it (they were playing elsewhere, and I don't think any of the kids heard anything.) She got control of herself and they left. We just spent Easter at their house and had a lovely time. No drunkenness, no arguing.

That is one example of my limits. If I had been at a gathering, with our kids, where people were drunk and yelling curse words, we would have left. Likely would have left, anyway! That is not fun.

At our house, we do usually stay at the table until we're all finished. We'll start cleaning up or allow the kids to finish up their chores during seconds When we're at another's home, they eat at the table and basic manners are expected. They can get up after finishing if the hosts don't mind. What someone else's kid is doing (or not doing) isn't my problem unless they are at my house. Even then, I'm more concerned with safety than manners.
An example of how everyone is different, because i can totally see where you were coming from wanting her out of your house---I would NEVER want my kids to see me send someone who was drunk off to drive themselves home (which it sounds like was the case based on handing her her purse and telling her to go). I'll go the other way and not allow someone to leave my home to drive if they are drunk--they can stay overnight or I will drive them myself or call them a taxi, but I will not be responsible for having allowed them to get drunk in my home and then go out to possibly kill others or themselves driving drunk. I don;t want to be involved in that from a moral or legal/liability standpoint--and I want my kids to see examples of how to handle that appropriately (MY version of appropriately).
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Old 04-03-2013, 04:31 PM   #97
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Originally Posted by NHdisneylover View Post
An example of how everyone is different, because i can totally see where you were coming from wanting her out of your house---I would NEVER want my kids to see me send someone who was drunk off to drive themselves home (which it sounds like was the case based on handing her her purse and telling her to go). I'll go the other way and not allow someone to leave my home to drive if they are drunk--they can stay overnight or I will drive them myself or call them a taxi, but I will not be responsible for having allowed them to get drunk in my home and then go out to possibly kill others or themselves driving drunk. I don;t want to be involved in that from a moral or legal/liability standpoint--and I want my kids to see examples of how to handle that appropriately (MY version of appropriately).
No, they were here together with their kids. Her DH drove, safely . The kids weren't present during our exchange, they were playing in my kids' rooms.

We've been friends for years and this had never happened before. My poor neighbors were so uncomfortable and she really did need to go home. One minute we're all laughing and the next she's slurring and swearing. Very strange evening.

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Old 04-03-2013, 04:34 PM   #98
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No, they were here together with their kids. Her DH drove, safely . The kids weren't present during our exchange, they were playing in my kids' rooms.
Oh good. Sorry I misunderstood.
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Old 04-03-2013, 04:35 PM   #99
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An example of how everyone is different, because i can totally see where you were coming from wanting her out of your house---I would NEVER want my kids to see me send someone who was drunk off to drive themselves home (which it sounds like was the case based on handing her her purse and telling her to go). I'll go the other way and not allow someone to leave my home to drive if they are drunk--they can stay overnight or I will drive them myself or call them a taxi, but I will not be responsible for having allowed them to get drunk in my home and then go out to possibly kill others or themselves driving drunk. I don;t want to be involved in that from a moral or legal/liability standpoint--and I want my kids to see examples of how to handle that appropriately (MY version of appropriately).
The person you quoted went on to say that "she got control of herself and THEY left." That leaves the possibility that the husband drove home, and of course there is always a chance that they are neighbors and walked. It would have been better if you'd asked for clarification instead of jumping to conclusions and sounding a bit holier than thou.

Edit: just saw the clarification - must have been posting at the same time as the person you quoted.
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Old 04-03-2013, 04:47 PM   #100
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The person you quoted went on to say that "she got control of herself and THEY left." That leaves the possibility that the husband drove home, and of course there is always a chance that they are neighbors and walked. It would have been better if you'd asked for clarification instead of jumping to conclusions and sounding a bit holier than thou.
I did not mean to sound "holier than thou" at all. Is aw "handed her her purse" and told her to leave and regardless of who ended up leaving, it sounded like she was being given the means and told to leave--not that the sober person was being told to get her out of there.

I can TOTALLY see just wanting that person out and figuring it is on them to get home safely and legally. Thus, my opening comment in the post you quoted. I don;t think the person I quoted did anything wrong. What I WAS pointing out, is how people can react differently to the same situation (since tat is largely what the OP is about). For me, personally, I am very concerned about drunk driving and the liability a host plays in that and I am super aware of it at any get together and also super aware of what example my kids see about that--and it would be a bigger thing to me than if they heard language that I am generally not okay with, etc.

For someone else, they may feel that the impetus is on the guest to not drink too much or to figure out how to safely get home and they may be much more concerned with not allowing their family to be exposed to the kind of behaviour the woman was displaying.

Neither person would be more right than the other, or "holier" than another. They would just be two people who probably both have issue with both the behaviour and how the person is going to get home, but rank those and tackle it a little differently.

All I meant to convey was just that--that people can be good and still have different ways of handling things. I guess to the OP I would say that the way the PARENT handles it, or talks about it with the child later, is likely to have the biggest influence on the child--regardless of how the other relatives are acting or what the cousins are allowed to do, etc.

Alex--if you thought I was trying to say I was better than you, I am truly sorry. That was certainly not my intention. Maybe I shouldn't post so late at night if that is how i am coming off.
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Old 04-03-2013, 05:01 PM   #101
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Alex--if you thought I was trying to say I was better than you, I am truly sorry. That was certainly not my intention. Maybe I shouldn't post so late at night if that is how i am coming off.
No offense taken, here. I figured you skimmed and missed the part that they were here together, since she was yelling at him (he wasn't intoxicated and didn't engage). If it had been just her, she would have been shown the guest room and the kids would have camped with mine.

I've had to read posts more than once, myself. Amazing how the perceived absence of a word or two changes the whole story!
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Old 04-03-2013, 05:05 PM   #102
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I did not mean to sound "holier than thou" ...

Interesting choice of words...
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Old 04-03-2013, 07:04 PM   #103
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So playing video games with violence is dangerous... I must be very dangerous then! I guess I can live with that

Live and let live and all that! I don't mind observing your foibles as long as you observe mine. Seems a fair enough deal to me.
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Old 04-03-2013, 07:54 PM   #104
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No, they were here together with their kids. Her DH drove, safely . The kids weren't present during our exchange, they were playing in my kids' rooms.

We've been friends for years and this had never happened before. My poor neighbors were so uncomfortable and she really did need to go home. One minute we're all laughing and the next she's slurring and swearing. Very strange evening.
My coworkers years back went to an after work party once hosted by a husband/wife who both worked with us (I skipped it). At some point in the night, the hosts - both rip snorting drunk - got into a knockdown, dragout fight eventually culminating in him pulling out a very large knife and threatening to kill her, and her screaming at him to just do it already. Nobody went to any of their parties after that

He was eventually fired for being drunk at work, and to be honest, we were all kind of relieved when he was killed in a car wreck. We were sure he'd show up one night to kill us all - and I was the one who answered the door after hours
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Old 04-03-2013, 08:10 PM   #105
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No, they were here together with their kids. Her DH drove, safely . The kids weren't present during our exchange, they were playing in my kids' rooms.

We've been friends for years and this had never happened before. My poor neighbors were so uncomfortable and she really did need to go home. One minute we're all laughing and the next she's slurring and swearing. Very strange evening.
Given this sentence, I'm very surprised you threw her out. That's not what friends do.
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