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Old 03-28-2013, 10:06 AM   #31
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Originally Posted by PollyannaMom View Post
The original post sounds a little deeper than anything we've had to deal with. (For instance, I don't even think to grocery shop with a friend at all??)

But back when we were both working full time, DH and I each shared our office spaces with opposite sex coworkers, and had no issues with it. (In fact, we jokingly refered to them as our "work spouses".) We did often talk with these friends, or have lunch with them - but in public places. It wouldn't have occured to me to see my friend outside of work without inviting his wife as well.

So I guess my answer is - yes, it's possible to be friends with a member of the opposite sex, but self-imposed boundaries on the relationship are probably a good thing.

I'm with PollyannaMom. I don't even think when I had roommates in college we went grocery shopping together.


Of course dh and I have friends of the opposite sex, and we have no issues of calling/texting, or an occassional lunch or dinner without the spouses. But if it kept occurring repeatedly (several times a week) personally, it would make me would wonder what is he getting out of this friendship that I am not providing?


Nothing wrong with having friends, just visiting constantly would probably send a signal to me. I think dh would feel the same. However, if some of the time all of the spouses were together maybe I would not feel that way.


OP, if you are happy and your spouse doesn't mind that that is all that really matters.
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Old 03-28-2013, 10:09 AM   #32
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People can lapse but people can also stay strong and avoid going there. I agree that it's easier if you don't have any opposite sex friends. (Unless, you're gay and that's a whole other issue.) However I never would have given up any friend because I was in a relationship. Nope, not going to happen.
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Old 03-28-2013, 10:10 AM   #33
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Lunch with female coworkers is about it for me, and not in years as my friends here are all guys. I have a handful of female friends, but they all like my wife and vice versa, so if I were to go anywhere with any of them my wife would be there as well. Ditto for her one male friend (who we haven't seen in years, actually).
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Old 03-28-2013, 10:17 AM   #34
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I'm with PollyannaMom. I don't even think when I had roommates in college we went grocery shopping together.


Of course dh and I have friends of the opposite sex, and we have no issues of calling/texting, or an occassional lunch or dinner without the spouses. But if it kept occurring repeatedly (several times a week) personally, it would make me would wonder what is he getting out of this friendship that I am not providing?


Nothing wrong with having friends, just visiting constantly would probably send a signal to me. I think dh would feel the same. However, if some of the time all of the spouses were together maybe I would not feel that way.


OP, if you are happy and your spouse doesn't mind that that is all that really matters.
Yeah, I am really stuck on the grocery shopping thing, too. I trust DH completely. But I would find it incredibly odd if he got up every Saturday morning and headed off to the grocery store with ANYONE. Who wants to go grocery shopping to begin with? I wouldn't even think to call up my GF's to go grocery shopping. So I can't imagine calling my guy friends and saying, "Hey, ya want to hang out this Saturday? I'm thinking we will hit Walmart and then we can check out Publix after." I think my guy friends would hang up on me!
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Old 03-28-2013, 10:19 AM   #35
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Originally Posted by Ginny Favers View Post
I was very good friends with a man at work once. We both had spouses... We were friends for years.

AND then he made a pass at me.
...

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Originally Posted by shellybaxter View Post
OP - I have a dear dear friend of the opposite sex. We've been friends since we were freshman in high school. He is also a very good friend of my husbands. You have to be careful. While we have NEVER had a physical affair, we did find ourselves having an emotional affair one summer...
Close friendship with opposite sex eventually turns into LOVE or HATE. Accept, not everyone admits to it...

How many times that you know personally that the best friend did steal the spouse??? Either man or a woman??? I know more than a few.

This thread should have a Poll in it.

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Old 03-28-2013, 10:22 AM   #36
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Some people seem to enjoy grocery shopping and if they enjoy going with a friend, what is the big deal? I go alone but it would be nice to have someone go along occasionally. My DH would rather poke himself in the eye.

I don't agree that close friendships with the opposite sex always turn into love or hate. Not everyone is the same.
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Old 03-28-2013, 10:24 AM   #37
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I spend a great deal of alone time with a friend of the opposite sex. We are both married and have a familiar but not intimate relationship with each other. Our spouses both know of this and have no issue that we go grocery shopping together, have breakfast and lunch while we are out alone. We have been to each other's homes while our spouse and kids are not home.

We both have had other friends tell us that they cannot believe our spouse is comfortable with us having this type of friendship. They assume that something just "has to be going on" or others may see it that way. I just respond that if we were going to cheat we would be doing it anyway but that we are not intimate. I told them that these days having this type of relationship with someone of the same sex could also lead to an affair as you just never know.

How would your spouse feel in if you were in our shoes? How would you feel if your spouse did this?
I'm kind of curious why the OP doesn't go shopping or have breakfast/lunch with her husband?

So yeah, I think I'd have a problem with it if I had a significant other that preferred to spend time with another woman instead of me...
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Old 03-28-2013, 10:25 AM   #38
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I would say no. If I had a guy friend from when I was in grade school or he had a friend he knew since he was 5 years old maybe that'd be different but "new" friends of the opposite sex are not part of a healthy relationship I want now. Been there, done that, lived through all the damage those "we're just friends" relationships cause and never again.
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Old 03-28-2013, 10:26 AM   #39
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I'm another one with a best friend who's a straight (married) male. We've been besties since high school (almost thirty years, aaargh), and he knows me probably better than anyone except my mother and my husband!

My DH does not worry at all, partly because my friend's wife is a different "type" than me (she's Asian, subservient, tiny, etc, and I'm, well the opposite ), and because he feels that if we haven't cheated in 30 years, we're not apt to start now.

I feel blessed to have this friend in my life, and would never take a chance on wrecking our friendship by trying to make it something "more".

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Old 03-28-2013, 10:30 AM   #40
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How would your spouse feel in if you were in our shoes? How would you feel if your spouse did this?
My two closest friends in the world are men, and DH has always been okay with this. I've ended relationships with men that weren't rather than give up lifelong friendships, and one of the things told me DH was "the one" was his lack of jealousy over it. I've spent nights at one friend's house, just because he still lives in the city and after concerts or other events it is easier to stay there than make the very long drive home to the boonies where DH & I have chosen to raise our kids, and meeting for lunch or dinner or a concert (something DH just isn't into) is a non-issue.

I would find it strange if DH developed a close relationship with a woman, even if I had no reason to think it was romantic in nature, because he's never had female friends. And that's probably a double standard but I think it comes down to knowing and accepting one another. I have always gotten along better with men than women and most of my friends, both close and casual, have been guys. So for DH to object to me having male friends would be asking me to change something that he's always known about me. For me to object to him developing a close friendship with a woman would be coming from a place of wondering what prompted him to change.
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Old 03-28-2013, 10:37 AM   #41
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Some people seem to enjoy grocery shopping and if they enjoy going with a friend, what is the big deal? I go alone but it would be nice to have someone go along occasionally. My DH would rather poke himself in the eye.

I don't agree that close friendships with the opposite sex always turn into love or hate. Not everyone is the same.
And that is exactly why I think it is strange. I think it is pretty common for guys to hate grocery shopping. A male, married man willingly wanting to go grocery shopping period, much less with someone other than his wife is very odd to me.
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Old 03-28-2013, 10:40 AM   #42
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I'm kind of curious why the OP doesn't go shopping or have breakfast/lunch with her husband?
Maybe the husband doesn't want to go shopping, or can't get away from work for breakfast/lunch. That's usually the case when I meet up with my friends, male or female - we're going out while DH is at work and the kids are in school.
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Old 03-28-2013, 10:41 AM   #43
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And that is exactly why I think it is strange. I think it is pretty common for guys to hate grocery shopping. A male, married man willingly wanting to go grocery shopping period, much less with someone other than his wife is very odd to me.
Sometimes I enjoy grocery shopping and maybe some guys out there do too? Besides, a grocery store is a lousy place to have an affair.
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Old 03-28-2013, 10:42 AM   #44
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I would have a problem with my spouse spending considerable time alone with a member of the opposite sex and my spouse would have a problem with me doing that. It's not a matter of trust. It's a matter of defending our marriage against all things that would potentially break it up. No matter how trustworthy someone is, things happen. Not all people that end up having affairs set out to have them. Sometimes, people just don't see it coming. And that's why one doesn't put one's self in that kind of situation.
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Old 03-28-2013, 10:43 AM   #45
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Just to add, after work and the kids I dont really have as much time to devote to my wife as I'd like. I rarely go anywhere with just a friend, much less a female one
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