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Old 03-28-2013, 08:27 AM   #16
BadgerGirl84
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This thread is bringing me back to a thread I posted as a young college student 5+ years ago here.

My boyfriend at the time was becoming very close with a female co-worker to the point they were going out for drinks after work (just the two of them) and out to a dancing lesson or something (memory is a bit foggy)! As a grown up lady now, I don't think I'd post something so personal on the Dis, but made sense to do at the time.

I think the thread was called "Can Men and Women be "Just Friends"" or something to that effect. Got the same responses this thread is getting...some on both sides of the arguement.

I ultimately decided I wasn't interested in dating a guy who wanted to have a very close friendship with another woman, and dumping him after 3 years of dating was one of the best decisions I ever made. I'm so glad I didn't settle because I have a GREAT husband now and we see eye-to-eye on this topic.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:30 AM   #17
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I am a female and I've ALWAYS been better friends with guys than girls. DH learned this when we were dating (actually, probably before we were dating).

My best friend is a guy and we've been best friends since we were 3 years old. DH doesn't really like my bestie, but he understands that he's like a brother to me and that I would do ANYTHING for him, as he would for us. We've even talked about taking a trip together, just him and I. DH questioned this, and I told him that it would be much more enjoyable for me to do this than, say, take a trip with my sister (who I love, but we do not see eye to eye on many, many things). In the end, we never took a trip just him and I. After talking to DH about it, he said he would have been ok with it, minus what other people - like his mom, etc - thought.

He and I have seen each other through a lot of things, triumphs and tragedies. He's left work and driven 200 miles at 3am just to make sure I am ok and hug me in person.

To me, a friend is a friend, no matter their gender. If you have a true friend, hang onto them, because they are such a blessing! I had given up a couple of very serious relationships because they could not get over this friendship that I had with this guy... The way I looked at it was if they can't trust me on that, then there's nothing to build our relationship upon.

With DH, I think the thing that really made it ok for him was knowing that we weren't hiding anything. He could pop into our conversation or visits or whatever at any time. He knew that bestie and I have no boundaries, but that the thought of anything sexual between us repulses us both - he's seriously like a brother to me.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:31 AM   #18
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I was very good friends with a man at work once. We both had spouses and so I thought it was ok. We would go out to lunches and confide in one another about work issues all the time. My husband was accepting of this, as we often got together as couples and did things, and I often went shopping with his wife. I was so thankful to have a good guy as my friend. We were friends for years.

AND then he made a pass at me.

Since then, nope. Not going there. Not even remotely close. Probably because even if the guy does have completely pure intentions, I'm always hyper-aware that he could want more.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:31 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chicagodisneyfan View Post
My best friend is a straight single man - and lives in LA. We see each other 10 times a year or so and talk on the phone a lot.

I spent New Years Eve at his house for the past three years - and my husband is ok with it.

He sees concerts with me, opera (my husband will go, but does not like it), we are both foodies, both huge college football fans, and just laugh when we are around each other.

My husband likes him and if he is ok with it - that is all that matters.
(But yes, I have heard comments from people who think it is weird!)
That's a bit different that what the OP posted. It sounds like OP lives in the same town and sees this person all the time. A long distance friend you see once a month or so is not the same thing.

And, regardless of what a lot of women think, men do not see friendships the same way they do.

I personally spend New Years eve with my best friend, my husband.

This is really not about trust. I trust my DH implicitly, but he and I would never put ourselves in that situation, because as I said above, anyone can fall. Even happily married people have had lapses and had affairs. Don't be so sure it can't happen to you just becuase you "trust" each other. I've seen it happen to others. Never to DH and I because we are careful, but it can and does happen, everyday.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:41 AM   #20
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Originally Posted by NY Disney fan View Post
. When I was married my husband forbade me to have opposite sex friends (which I complied with) .
Right there that one sentence would make him my EX-husband!! Forbade???? Sorry pal--that is NOT something I would ever put up with!

Most of my best friends are married men- I go out to lunch alone with different guys from work all the time- and imagine, I never slept with any of them--it IS possible to have friends of the opposite sex! I am friends with some of their wives too now through hanging out with the guys. I have gone to concerts with a guy from work, his wife hates the band he likes so I go with him- and nope, never slept with him.... I have ZERO desire to have an affair with any of these guys but to me it is SO much easier and nicer to hang out with men rather than women- women are *****y and catty.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:51 AM   #21
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I think it is possible for men and women to be just friends. My husband and I have never had it become a big issue. DH had a buddy he played hockey with. I got to know the guy as well and he and I were both stay at home parents at the time. We used to get together and hang out with the kids every now and again. My dh was fine with it and his wife was as well. The funny thing is...neither dh or I have ever even met his wife. The kids got a bit older and we both started working again so we quit hanging out. No big deal.

We were friends with a couple and the wife (and both of their kids) had worked at one time or another for my dh. The couple split and the wife was still working for us. She ended up going through a pretty rough patch and my dh would help her out when he could. I didn't have a problem with it since she was nearly old enough to be our mother. However, it did hit a point where she was getting pretty "needy" and I did finally ask my husband to back off. We discussed it and he agreed that it was time to put up some more boundaries where this person was concerned. Problem solved. We're still friendly with this gal and her new husband so it all worked out in the end.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:52 AM   #22
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Dh and I are each others best friend, so things like grocery shopping, regularly doing lunch, and hanging and gossiping with, we tend to do together. Now, he does have friends of the opposite sex (and same sex) who he occasionally has drinks or dinner with, and I have friends (male or female) that I occasionally get together with for things, but those are more casual relationships, nothing regular. I have no problems with dh having friends of the opposite sex, we just tend to hang together.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:56 AM   #23
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Originally Posted by spacemountainmom View Post
I think it is possible for men and women to be just friends. My husband and I have never had it become a big issue. DH had a buddy he played hockey with. I got to know the guy as well and he and I were both stay at home parents at the time. We used to get together and hang out with the kids every now and again. My dh was fine with it and his wife was as well. The funny thing is...neither dh or I have ever even met his wife. The kids got a bit older and we both started working again so we quit hanging out. No big deal.

We were friends with a couple and the wife (and both of their kids) had worked at one time or another for my dh. The couple split and the wife was still working for us. She ended up going through a pretty rough patch and my dh would help her out when he could. I didn't have a problem with it since she was nearly old enough to be our mother. However, it did hit a point where she was getting pretty "needy" and I did finally ask my husband to back off. We discussed it and he agreed that it was time to put up some more boundaries where this person was concerned. Problem solved. We're still friendly with this gal and her new husband so it all worked out in the end.
I think the biggest difference is you didn't go away for the weekend with your opposite sex friend without your husband, correct? As I said previously, DH and I do have opposite sex friends but the completely alone for weekends, at their homes, etc is not the same as what you've posted. But, I've seen what you said above about one person getting needy.
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Old 03-28-2013, 09:05 AM   #24
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Sorry, but the reality is anyone can fall. You don't put yourself in that situation, ever. The types of things you mention are what couples do together, not opposite sex "friends". I have opposite sex friends, as does DH, but we do not go out with them alone and never, never, ever would we be at their home alone or would a weekend be involved. The grocery shopping thing is just strange. We've been happily married and faithful for 32 years. I think it's somewhat disrespectful and as another person stated, a good way for rumors to get started.

Also, almost all affairs start from innocent friendships.

Something else that bothers me is that more than likely you share things with your friend as does your DH about your relationship and spouse. If that's the case, then whether or not you are physically intimate or not is irrelevant. A relationship doesn't have to be sexual to be an affair. .
This! We both love to be around other couples, but neither of us has ever needed a 'close' friend of the opposite sex. We are totally content to be best friends, as well as a great relationship as a married couple. We are together because we 'love' to be together and do things together.
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Old 03-28-2013, 09:22 AM   #25
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The original post sounds a little deeper than anything we've had to deal with. (For instance, I don't even think to grocery shop with a friend at all??)

But back when we were both working full time, DH and I each shared our office spaces with opposite sex coworkers, and had no issues with it. (In fact, we jokingly refered to them as our "work spouses".) We did often talk with these friends, or have lunch with them - but in public places. It wouldn't have occured to me to see my friend outside of work without inviting his wife as well.

So I guess my answer is - yes, it's possible to be friends with a member of the opposite sex, but self-imposed boundaries on the relationship are probably a good thing.
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Old 03-28-2013, 09:25 AM   #26
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Originally Posted by bdcp View Post
I think the biggest difference is you didn't go away for the weekend with your opposite sex friend without your husband, correct? As I said previously, DH and I do have opposite sex friends but the completely alone for weekends, at their homes, etc is not the same as what you've posted. But, I've seen what you said above about one person getting needy.
I don't see the issue. I travel with Manny - we go to Summerfest every year and share a hotel room. Without my husband - but he is always invited. Last year we had backstage passes to the Foo Fighters and got to hang with the band.

And we co-host NYE party and shop together.

I love Manny, but not like I love my husband!

There is enough drama in life without MUD (made up drama).
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Old 03-28-2013, 09:28 AM   #27
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Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.

Sally Albright: Why not?

Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.

Harry Burns: No you don't.

Sally Albright: Yes I do.

Harry Burns: No you don't.

Sally Albright: Yes I do.

Harry Burns: You only think you do.

Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?

Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.

Harry Burns: Do too.

Sally Albright: They do not.

Harry Burns: Do too.

Sally Albright: How do you know?

Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.

Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?

Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.

Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?

Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.

Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.

Harry Burns: I guess not.

Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.
What Harry said.
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Old 03-28-2013, 09:34 AM   #28
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Originally Posted by Janepod View Post
If I couldn't trust my husband to be alone with another woman, I wouldn't have married him.
I agree with this. My husband and I trust each other. We both have friends of the opposite sex and don't have any worries.
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Old 03-28-2013, 09:39 AM   #29
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Originally Posted by bdcp View Post
I think the biggest difference is you didn't go away for the weekend with your opposite sex friend without your husband, correct? As I said previously, DH and I do have opposite sex friends but the completely alone for weekends, at their homes, etc is not the same as what you've posted. But, I've seen what you said above about one person getting needy.
No, we never did go out of town together. We did, however, have a very awkward moment one time when my friend and I took all the kids out to lunch at a sit down restaurant. We had asked the server up front for separate checks, but one of his girls tried to order dessert and the server told her to ask her mom if it was ok. His daughter said, "I can't ask my mom, she's at work right now." The server gave us the weirdest look and I sure we were gossiped about for the rest of the day! LOL
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Old 03-28-2013, 10:03 AM   #30
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OP - I have a dear dear friend of the opposite sex. We've been friends since we were freshman in high school. He is also a very good friend of my husbands. You have to be careful. While we have NEVER had a physical affair, we did find ourselves having an emotional affair one summer. It was hurtful to all involved. Luckily our friendship (all of our friendships) was/were able to survive. Having a close opposite sex friend is great but there are lines you don't want to cross, because somethings really do belong just to your husband
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