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Old 03-28-2013, 07:56 AM   #1
Candleinthewind
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Is your spouse ok with you being alone with the opposite sex?

I spend a great deal of alone time with a friend of the opposite sex. We are both married and have a familiar but not intimate relationship with each other. Our spouses both know of this and have no issue that we go grocery shopping together, have breakfast and lunch while we are out alone. We have been to each other's homes while our spouse and kids are not home.

We both have had other friends tell us that they cannot believe our spouse is comfortable with us having this type of friendship. They assume that something just "has to be going on" or others may see it that way. I just respond that if we were going to cheat we would be doing it anyway but that we are not intimate. I told them that these days having this type of relationship with someone of the same sex could also lead to an affair as you just never know.

How would your spouse feel in if you were in our shoes? How would you feel if your spouse did this?
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Old 03-28-2013, 07:59 AM   #2
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Neither one of us has a problem with it. When I worked DH would go spend weekends with a female friend of his. He took my DS with him and they would take all the kids and do fun stuff. If you can't trust your spouse then you have a lot of problems you aren't facing.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:00 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Candleinthewind View Post
I spend a great deal of alone time with a friend of the opposite sex. We are both married and have a familiar but not intimate relationship with each other. Our spouses both know of this and have no issue that we go grocery shopping together, have breakfast and lunch while we are out alone. We have been to each other's homes while our spouse and kids are not home.

We both have had other friends tell us that they cannot believe our spouse is comfortable with us having this type of friendship. They assume that something just "has to be going on" or others may see it that way. I just respond that if we were going to cheat we would be doing it anyway but that we are not intimate. I told them that these days having this type of relationship with someone of the same sex could also lead to an affair as you just never know.

How would your spouse feel in if you were in our shoes? How would you feel if your spouse did this?
My spouse would have no problem with it, but I would never put myself in that position to get rumors started.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:02 AM   #4
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Yep, my husband has no issue with it and will actually scope me out a ride home from the bar ( usually my neighbor) on nights I want to stay later than he wants to stay.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:02 AM   #5
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No, we would both be fine with it. Also, I would not change my friendship to avoid the appearance of something going on to others. It is none of their business anyway.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:06 AM   #6
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I'm not a believer in being married and having a friend of the opposite sex. Usually when people have affairs the first thing they say is:
a.) We didn't mean for this to happen
b.) We were only friends at first
c.) We didn't mean to hurt anyone


That being said, not all opposite sex friends want to sleep with each other. When I was married my husband forbade me to have opposite sex friends (which I complied with) but he did not. He had female friends coming out of the woodwork. This hurt me because I was very good friends with his best friend (best man at the wedding) and I ended up distancing myself from him based on my husband's wishes. Our best man ended up dying and I regret doing this! I hope I see him in heaven one day.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:09 AM   #7
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If I couldn't trust my husband to be alone with another woman, I wouldn't have married him.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:10 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by Janepod View Post
If I couldn't trust my husband to be alone with another woman, I wouldn't have married him.
Its not the "being alone" that is the issue, but the friendship aspect..being friends apart from you that is the issue.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:13 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by NY Disney fan View Post
Its not the "being alone" that is the issue, but the friendship aspect..being friends apart from you that is the issue.
What's the difference? If I couldn't trust my husband to have female friends, I wouldn't have married him.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:16 AM   #10
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No, my husband and I would not be comfortable with that, nor would either one of us be interested in a friendship like that.

We wouldn't want to put ourselves in the position for rumors to be started, nor would we want to be spending so much time with a member of the opposite sex alone that we start confiding a lot and creating "emotional intimacy."

We enjoy hanging out with other couples, or just the husband/wife of a couple if a member is out of town. If something came up like a friend's wife called us with an extra concert ticket and only my husband could go, that'd be totally fine...it just wouldn't be a common thing we would be interested in.

For us, it's not a matter of trusting each other (we have 100% trust)...we have just decided to have a marriage where the only member of the opposite sex that we are very close to and confide in is each other. And we love it that way.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:16 AM   #11
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I am not THAT close with anyone who is not my husband. He really is my best friend and it would worry me if either of us became super close with someone else like that because it would likely mean we were drifting apart.

That said, both he and I have friends of the opposite sex. Doesn't bother either of us at all.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:17 AM   #12
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I don't have a friend like that and neither does DH so it is hard to comment on whether it would bother either of us. We both have friends of the opposite sex, but your relationship is much deeper than either of us have.

You mention grocery shopping with your friend. That seems odd to me. DH and I grocery shop together. If he can't make it, it would never dawn on me to call a girlfriend (or guy friend) to go grocery shopping. Honestly, that seems off to me.

Having the occasional lunch with a member of the opposite sex wouldn't be an issue at all. If one of us was doing it all the time and not having any lunches with each other, nope, that wouldn't cut it.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:20 AM   #13
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Sorry, but the reality is anyone can fall. You don't put yourself in that situation, ever. The types of things you mention are what couples do together, not opposite sex "friends". I have opposite sex friends, as does DH, but we do not go out with them alone and never, never, ever would we be at their home alone or would a weekend be involved. The grocery shopping thing is just strange. We've been happily married and faithful for 32 years. I think it's somewhat disrespectful and as another person stated, a good way for rumors to get started.

Also, almost all affairs start from innocent friendships.

Something else that bothers me is that more than likely you share things with your friend as does your DH about your relationship and spouse. If that's the case, then whether or not you are physically intimate or not is irrelevant. A relationship doesn't have to be sexual to be an affair.

If you want an idea of what I'm referring to, see the movie "The Story of Us". The part about their relationships with "friends" of the opposite sex is exactly what I'm talking about.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:21 AM   #14
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Totally ok. One of my dearest friends in the world is a guy name John. We grew up together, went to elementary school, high school and church together. He was a part of my life waaay before my husband so my husband knew from day one John was going to be in my life. No issues whatsoever.

Now would I go on a weekend trip with John? No. Do we get together when I'm back in NYC? Definitely. Ill hang put with him the same way i hang out with my other friends. Some times he brings his wife whom I adore some times it's just us.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:23 AM   #15
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My best friend is a straight single man - and lives in LA. We see each other 10 times a year or so and talk on the phone a lot.

I spent New Years Eve at his house for the past three years - and my husband is ok with it.

He sees concerts with me, opera (my husband will go, but does not like it), we are both foodies, both huge college football fans, and just laugh when we are around each other.

My husband likes him and if he is ok with it - that is all that matters.
(But yes, I have heard comments from people who think it is weird!)
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