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Old 03-28-2013, 08:28 AM   #46
nemajovc
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I agree with telling family you can't exceed set budget for the DW. If it's more than that then you can back out and send some of the money as a present that you saved by NOT going.
We've done that before when a DW was doable but very inconvenient-the wedding couple and family were very gracious and happy to accept a large check to help out with their new house.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:31 AM   #47
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So if a family member couldn't afford to go to the wedding you would assume that they can't be happy for him, that is a selfish attitude, what happens if a they can't afford to go or b their boss won't give them the time off to go?
That is not what she is saying, at all. She's saying, "go & be happy, don't go and that's fine too, but either way don't complain about it."
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:35 AM   #48
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Oye!

We have my bil's wedding in Disney at the end of the year. It's a huge expense for us. Both girls are flower girls, dh is a groomsman. We are planning to go fri-Monday wih 2 days of park tickets.

IMO, Disney weddings are worse then a typical dw, say to the DR or Aruba. We really had to think about going. We just came back from a trip to wdw a few weeks ago. We didn't really want to go again. (no flames please, it's just not our thing)

We will book our flight soon, to get the lowest fare. We may use our DVC points for our room. Or may wait until a better package comes out.

They are not getting a monetary gift from us. (it's a standard LI thing) but will give a gift at shower and already gave engagement gift.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:38 AM   #49
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I still agree with Mystery Machine...
Even the initial expectation that people should pay THAT kind of money for the honor of being at YOUR wedding... laughable... really...

And, yes VERY selfish.

If the couple wants to get married on a Beach in Mexico, for their pleasure... Fine. I say, "Have at it!!!!". Just do not have any expectation that 'I' will be there. THAT is what is laughable and selfish.

And, to those who are saying that the couple really is not too wrapped up in who will be there.... The OP has stated that the grooms mother will guilt them, and be 'just furious'. THAT SAYS IT ALL.

I don't live my live to appease other peoples drama....

Also... Sure, for anyone who doesn't live locally, a wedding might be a destination wedding... But that is NOT a destination wedding at a All Inclusive Resort, in another country, that cost THOUSANDS of dollars.

Sorry, but that whole... any wedding is a destination wedding analogy is just OFF.... Big time... Doesn't apply to a situation like this at all.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:46 AM   #50
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A destination wedding is cheaper for the bridal couple and pricey for everyone else. If only a few people come, there are only a few people to pay for. A lot of times the bridal couple gets their room comped by the resort for bringing in 7 or 8 other rooms.

It is OK to have one as long as you don't expect people to go, even immediate family.

The fact that the OP is going to get flack for not going is crazy. If people are so upset that you are not attending then they can pay your way. It is unbelieveably selfish of people to EXPECT that they can tell other people how to spend their money and vacation time.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:46 AM   #51
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My DD had a destination wedding in Jamaica in 2011. When we started planning we were aware that many people would not be able to attend. It was not because DD & DSIL were selfish, it was just the wedding that they wanted. We would have loved to have a lot of people attend, but knew it wouldn't happen. We had a small group of close family and friends and really enjoyed it.

If your nephew is expecting everyone to be there that is selfish. If he is just inviting a lot of people then I do not see the problem.

If you and your family do not feel good about going, then stay home and plan the vacations that you want, if you are not close to him anyway it should not be a problem.

We did have a reception at home for the ones that did not go to Jamaica with us. We never made anyone feel guilty about not going to Jamaica!
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:52 AM   #52
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Originally Posted by Wishing on a star View Post
I still agree with Mystery Machine...
Even the initial expectation that people should pay THAT kind of money for the honor of being at YOUR wedding... laughable... really...

And, yes VERY selfish.

If the couple wants to get married on a Beach in Mexico, for their pleasure... Fine. I say, "Have at it!!!!". Just do not have any expectation that 'I' will be there. THAT is what is laughable and selfish.

And, to those who are saying that the couple really is not too wrapped up in who will be there.... The OP has stated that the grooms mother will guilt them, and be 'just furious'. THAT SAYS IT ALL.

I don't live my live to appease other peoples drama....

Also... Sure, for anyone who doesn't live locally, a wedding might be a destination wedding... But that is NOT a destination wedding at a All Inclusive Resort, in another country, that cost THOUSANDS of dollars.

Sorry, but that whole... any wedding is a destination wedding analogy is just OFF.... Big time... Doesn't apply to a situation like this at all.
Actually--that says NOTHING about how the groom feels about the OPs family being there. All it tells us that that the OP is not communicating directly with the groom and that his mom wants them there. It could well be that she (the groom's mom) wants a big family wedding and is upset that not many are coming since it is a destination and that the bride and groom want a small wedding and having the destination wedding is a way to accomplish that without offending people (or their moms) by not inviting them.

If the OP does not talk to her nephew she has no way of knowing how he and his fiancee feel about any of it.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:52 AM   #53
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Originally Posted by okeydokey View Post
A destination wedding is cheaper for the bridal couple and pricey for everyone else. If only a few people come, there are only a few people to pay for. A lot of times the bridal couple gets their room comped by the resort for bringing in 7 or 8 other rooms.

It is OK to have one as long as you don't expect people to go, even immediate family.

The fact that the OP is going to get flack for not going is crazy. If people are so upset that you are not attending then they can pay your way. It is unbelieveably selfish of people to EXPECT that they can tell other people how to spend their money and vacation time.
Where did she say she was getting flack?! She only mentioned that her sister would be mad (assuming she would be, not that this has actually happened).
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:55 AM   #54
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Sorry but a nephew expecting a relative to spend that amount on his "special day" is an entitled brat that is way too much and if he wants you there he should factor that into his wedding cost. This destination wedding lark is an attempt to put most of the cost on guests to be cheap and is rude and selfish!
I agree! I would never spend money that I could use for a vacation someplace I want to go on someone elses destination wedding! No way!
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:56 AM   #55
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We did have a reception at home for the ones that did not go to Jamaica with us. We never made anyone feel guilty about not going to Jamaica!
See I feel that is even worse now! Having a reception home after a destination wedding is just like saying "hey, we already got married-just come bring us a gift".
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:56 AM   #56
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Also, keep in mind dear nephew might pick an AI that doesn't allow kids. Have a response prepared for that as well.
ACK!!!! I wouldnt even have thought of that at all. I dont believe this is his plans. He has never breathed a word about it. Children have always, always been a part of this familys weddings. I'm going to ask him about this - there is no way we would do it without our kids.

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Originally Posted by Wishing on a star View Post
PS: I would have no problem visiting a nice AI resort in Mexico over Disney. Really.... Personally, I might consider it, if the time-frame and the price were doable.
I was initially quite excited about visiting an AI - always wanted to try one, but price/timing never quite worked out. Its the financial realities of an AI over New Years at peak pricing that has me freaking out.

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I think that the bottom line should be:

"Am I comfortable and happy spending the money to attend this wedding?"

If the answer is no, then send regrets and move on. Notice I didn't say anything about being able to afford it, or about setting priorities, or any of those Disboard financial wizardly things.

Personally, I wouldn't even THINK about spending $3K to go to anybody's wedding, period. But then, I'm notoriously cheap.
Ha ha - we are cheapskates too - which is why I started reconsidering this wedding. We are going to have to decide if we will be happy spending the money attending this wedding. My DH had his first *slow this gravy train down* moment when I told him we should cancel our DLR trip this summer to save the airmiles and $$ for this DW. I think we were living in dreamland thinking this trip wasnt going to have a financial impact on us.

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Originally Posted by NHdisneylover View Post
Like, where should my DD get married when she is older? Here in Germany where she has spent her life since a teen? In Mexico, by my family? In Colorado by the majority of DH's family? Near her spouse's to be family? What if the spouse's family is as spread out as ours is?
I solved this conundrum by getting married 3 times - in 3 different countries! It was crazy, it was wild, it was SO WORTH IT to make sure EVERYONE could be a part of our celebration.

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Originally Posted by Christine View Post
It really depends on how you view a wedding. Some people view it strictly as a ceremony/vow between two people only. The family and friends are optional. Others view it as that same type of scenario; however, having friends and family witness their proclamation of commitment is necessary and expected. If you are a person who believes in the second version of a wedding then having a destination wedding and expecting your family to attend IS selfish. If you follow #1, then you're not selfish at all.
For me, weddings are about family and friends celebrating with the couple. So while I get destination weddings....I really dont get it LOL!

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In every destination wedding thread from the guest perspective people assume that the bride/groom would be "furious" that the invited guest didn't attend.

In my experience, as someone who had a destination wedding (of sorts, my now ex & I got married where we lived however our entire families had to travel) and has been involved with no less than 9 destination weddings ... The bride and groom have never cared who shows and who doesn't.

It's the guests who almost always treat the invitation as a summons.

Can't afford it, don't want to go...don't go. Really. Not that huge of a deal. I have never seen WWIII started in families over this.
Ive been reading too many bridezilla forum postings! Many say, "well, I gave them a year to save up - no reason why they shouldnt be able to come" . Or "I cant believe so-and-so does not want to make the extra effort to be a part of my special day".
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Old 03-28-2013, 09:04 AM   #57
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People seem to be confusing "invitation" with "expectation."
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Old 03-28-2013, 09:04 AM   #58
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DH brother had a destination wedding last summer at an AI in Mexico. It was at a resort for 16 an above- no kids. For the 3 of us we spent over $5000 for airfare and for the room for 5 days. We had a great time and it was nice to not have to worry about a big bill at the end of the week but it was expensive.
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Old 03-28-2013, 09:15 AM   #59
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See I feel that is even worse now! Having a reception home after a destination wedding is just like saying "hey, we already got married-just come bring us a gift".
Weddings in your area must be very different then weddings around here. Very few people in this area actually attend the wedding ceremony. The church may have 50 people but the receptions will have 200+. For most guests the wedding is just an excuse to party with free food and drink.

DD and DSIL were young when they got married, 22 and 21, most of their friends were college students without much money. The reception invitation said please come and celebrate our marriage. No gifts were expected and many guests did not bring gifts. We were just happy to have them there to celebrate with us!

In my opinion the couples that have huge elaborate weddings and expect the guest to cover the cost of their meal and drinks with their wedding gifts are the ones that are selfish.
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Old 03-28-2013, 09:25 AM   #60
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See I feel that is even worse now! Having a reception home after a destination wedding is just like saying "hey, we already got married-just come bring us a gift".
No it's not. Having a reception at home is to cool the feathers of those bent out of shape that the couple had a destination wedding, and it costs couples a lot of money. My sister had a destination wedding, partly because she and her DH were living in the area where he grew up, and she knew family and friends where she grew up might be put out having to travel.

Therefore, anyone who wanted to attend her actual ceremony were invited to do so, and they paid for a reception there. Then, they paid for another reception in their home town (Chicago - not a cheap area). Then, they paid for a third reception in her hometown. This was especially nice for the older family members not up for flying.

Most of those who attended her receptions would have given a gift regardless (and she and her DH are VERY financially secure - certainly not gift grabbers - the cost of the receptions was way more than they received in gifts).

They didn't want to hurt any feelings, and really wanted to be married on a tropical beach.
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