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Old 03-28-2013, 07:56 AM   #31
mrsklamc
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IMO a destination wedding is basically eloping but letting people know that they CAN come if they WANT to. I don't think people who have them are going to be all wrapped up in who can and can't come.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:01 AM   #32
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Originally Posted by elaine amj View Post
This is some great perspective. To be honest, up until the weekend I never even considered not going. My SIL gave us the heads up 6 months ago basically telling us to plan for it. So I meekly said OK. All this time, dH said it will come out of our other savings, not our vacation budget. So it didn't feel like a sacrifice, kwim? Just a cool extra.

My budget side is kicking in. Our other savings means our retirement savings basically.

We were talking about the trip to our close friends yesterday and they told us we were nuts for considering going. So then I started considering the ramifications of going.
Let me tell you, spending that kind of money on someone's wedding will make you sick to your stomach.

Then for the cherry on top of that, wait until the divorce and then you can really get pissed.

Now if you were rolling in dough, fine, but you are not.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:01 AM   #33
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Question: people keep saying the nephew is "selfish". I'm not getting it. call me crazy but aren't you supposed to plan your wedding they way you want it?

Op, is nephew making every one go?

I had the wedding I wanted. I damn sure didn't sit down and say "well can't do that, Aunt sally can't afford it". Seriously?
I sent out invitations, those who could afford to come showed up. those who could not, hey no worries, see you at Christmas.

How is planning YOUR wedding they way YOU envision it, selfish?
How about expecting your family to give up their holoday time for you, pushing the cost of your wedding onto your guests, saying my day is worth thousands of your dollars. No a destination wedding is a selfish indulgence you have to decide I want my family there so make it possible for them to attend or it's just you and the partner any if the others want to attend any of them.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:04 AM   #34
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Originally Posted by PaulaSB12 View Post
How about expecting your family to give up their holoday time for you, pushing the cost of your wedding onto your guests, saying my day is worth thousands of your dollars. No a destination wedding is a selfish indulgence you have to decide I want my family there so make it possible for them to attend or it's just you and the partner any if the others want to attend any of them.
Several people have said, there is no 'expectation' that anyone go, on the part of the bride and groom. It's their day.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:04 AM   #35
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Originally Posted by elaine amj View Post
This is some great perspective. To be honest, up until the weekend I never even considered not going. My SIL gave us the heads up 6 months ago basically telling us to plan for it. So I meekly said OK. All this time, dH said it will come out of our other savings, not our vacation budget. So it didn't feel like a sacrifice, kwim? Just a cool extra.

My budget side is kicking in. Our other savings means our retirement savings basically.

We were talking about the trip to our close friends yesterday and they told us we were nuts for considering going. So then I started considering the ramifications of going.
Does the couple realize that they are having this wedding at one of the most expensive travel times? Some people are just clueless. If the price is too high, just explain that when you told them you planned on attending, you assumed it would be less expensive, at a cheaper time. Maybe the couple decided on a destination wedding because they wanted a small crowd.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:05 AM   #36
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Only Disney destination weddings are okay. The rest are all selfish impositions and the bride and groom should be shunned forever. Don't even send a gift.

In seriousness, OP, do what feels right for your family, but don't feel you're obligated to go.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:07 AM   #37
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Ok, than let me rephrase that. One's wedding would be a time to be a little selfish. And in my opinion it's the family members who are selfish because they are not thinking of the bride and groom only what they "Can't" do.

I totally admit I was chiefly concerned about how my husband and I wanted our day. I was totally focused on Our pleasure as you call it. considering that I would spend the next 27 years of my life with him, don't have a problem with it.

two different ways of thinking about it.

I hope my sons plan the wedding of their dreams and not deny themselves any thing because of being worried what their "family" thinks. If my family can't be happy for him simply because he's found love (and that goes for myself) then by all means stay the heck home, last thing I want or need is some one with an attitude because they feel their needs weren't taken into consideration.
So if a family member couldn't afford to go to the wedding you would assume that they can't be happy for him, that is a selfish attitude, what happens if a they can't afford to go or b their boss won't give them the time off to go?
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:07 AM   #38
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We've been to about 8 AI's, we love them!!!

I am always stunned by the number of weddings and also the number of people that actually attend! It is not unusual to see 2 to 3 a day and have 25 to 60 people at each!

so, some people must love them!

If you want to go, then go....if you don't, then decline.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:09 AM   #39
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Wouldn't the simple solution be to tell the mother "we can afford $3K total. If the total cost of the trip for 4 of us is that price or lower, we will go. If not, we can't. And we need to know by this date so we can allocate money accordingly."

Take the emotion out of it.

Also, keep in mind dear nephew might pick an AI that doesn't allow kids. Have a response prepared for that as well.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:11 AM   #40
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I don't think it's inherently selfish or unreasonable to have a destination wedding. However I do think it becomes that way if you stamp your feet or get offended about people not coming.
Many people save, dream and plan all year or for many years for their dream vacations. Expecting them to drop those plans to go to a resort and destination of your choosing for your wedding is unfair.
We briefly considered a destination wedding back in the day. When we realized the cost and sacrifice we'd be asking others to make we changed our minds. If we were totally ok with it being very small and most people not being able to make it then it's a fine idea. But because we really wanted our grandmothers there and other relatives and friends we decided to stick close to home.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:17 AM   #41
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LuLuO View Post
I assume you are pricing for you and your spouse and two children? If so, can the kids stay with someone while you and your spouse go? Or, if your husband wants to go so badly, just send him.

I would never take money from my retirement account to go to anyone's wedding. Never, ever, ever.

It sounds to me that you don't want to go and that maybe your husband is on the fence. Given the situation you have described, I would send my regrets.

I think when one chooses to have a destination wedding they need to accept the fact that many (most or all) potential guests won't be able to come, won't be able to afford to come, or won't want to travel. If people get their panties in a bunch, oh well. If they want people to attend, then have the wedding at home.
This!!! Agree 100%
My nephew is getting married in June...in Tacoma Wa!! I live in central Mass!! Am I thrilled? Nope. My dh isn't going, and my 19 y/o dd said no way...she is heading to her job at camp right after I plan on returning home, and she wants to spend some time with her high school buddies before heading off for 6 weeks of work!!
So, because I know my mother would expect me to go, and take her place, I'll go, solo! I've already sent a wedding gift. I told my brother that I would have to check finances to see how affordable it would be to get a room, rent a car in addition to airfare...he told me he would pick me up and return me to the airport, and that I would be staying at their house. So, I have no excuse not to go.
But I have to tell you..if it cost more than $1000 to go and be a part of the wedding fun? I wouldn't be going. I think planning a destination wedding is wonderful. But you have to realize, right up front, that a lot of people aren't going to be able to attend. My youngest dd is hoping for a WDW wedding. And we all know that if she does that, when the time comes, it will be a very small wedding. We will send out invites but make it very clear that if the person feels they can't come due to monetary concerns, that's fine. We just didn't want to not include them!!! It would be beyond rude to expect someone to go into their retirement money to afford a destination wedding trip for someone they weren't all that close to.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:24 AM   #42
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I feel guilted into going because his mother will be furious with us. (Especially if we do WDW or a cruise or something soon after!).
THIS is the problem.
Nobody has the right to 'guilt' somebody else, and be just 'furious', with them. THAT is where this is all just so wrong.


If your nephew's fiance, and himself, want a Destination Wedding...
then, let them have at it!!!! They may have to learn the hard way that there might be a very, very, limited guest list. Too bad, so sad!!! Reality people!!!

Make the decision that is best for you and your family.

PS: Are you sure that this wedding will not be at an Adult Only Resort.
We are considering visiting an adult only resort during this time-frame. (unlike you, we truly cant afford it... but ran up on an incredible deal... prices are now more than DOUBLE.) I am hoping that there are not a lot of people planning huge New Year weddings at Secrets... Because, truthfully, large wedding/convention groups are known to really negatively impact the overall vibe.

Anyhow, if it is an All Adult wedding... your kids would not be attending. And, THAT money could be used for a family vacation??? Or do you know that your kids are expected to be there?

PS: I would have no problem visiting a nice AI resort in Mexico over Disney. Really.... Personally, I might consider it, if the time-frame and the price were doable.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:24 AM   #43
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Most weddings are destination weddings for at least SOME guests. Unless you have every family member and friend you've ever known all live together in the same place, it's quite uncommon for people to not have to travel to attend a wedding.

And what's with the "destination weddings are a cheap way to push the costs onto the guests" sentiment all about? We had a destination wedding, and the cost of the wedding was the same whether we had 0 or 100 guests (would have been cheaper with 0, actually, based on food cost for the reception). We still had to pay to use the space, have the reception, the photographer, the cake, etc. Our guests that attended did not help to offset the cost of the wedding in any way. Our reception food budget was based on how many people came...$150 per person was the cost for the plated dinner we served.

We've had to travel to attend every wedding we've ever gone to. We don't live in the same place as anyone else we are close to. We just attended a wedding in CA last year and had to fly from the east coast. We turned it into an opportunity to got to DL, visit family in So Cal and the Bay Area, etc. The "wedding" trip turned into a vacation that cost us over $5k, but it was totally worth it.

It's a personal decision, but don't worry that your nephew will be offended if you don't go. I had a number of my family not attend our destination wedding, and I have no issues with them at all (this was 10+ years ago too).
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:27 AM   #44
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In my very personal opinion, a destination wedding is indeed a selfish choice. Other people may very well want to share the couple's day with them, and destination weddings keep a lot of potential guests at home. Still, it's their wedding, and they're entitled to be selfish about it -- but if anyone else is "expected" to attend, and the couple aren't paying the expenses, then it goes past a reasonable selfishness to rudeness. I think that the bottom line should be:

"Am I comfortable and happy spending the money to attend this wedding?"

If the answer is no, then send regrets and move on. Notice I didn't say anything about being able to afford it, or about setting priorities, or any of those Disboard financial wizardly things.

Personally, I wouldn't even THINK about spending $3K to go to anybody's wedding, period. But then, I'm notoriously cheap.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:27 AM   #45
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OP---I have to wonder if your nephew is aware of the pressure being placed on you? The people I have known who had destination weddings were ALL fine with people not coming if it was too expensive for them (or just not a place they wanted to go) and expected a very small number of guests. In at least one case, other family members (parents, siblings) played guilt games trying to get extended family there--and the bride and groom were so upset when they learned that had been done.

SO, my first impulse would be to communicate directly with my nephew and explain to him that I am concerned about cost, and ask him how he would feel about us not being there, etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PaulaSB12 View Post
How about expecting your family to give up their holoday time for you, pushing the cost of your wedding onto your guests, saying my day is worth thousands of your dollars. No a destination wedding is a selfish indulgence you have to decide I want my family there so make it possible for them to attend or it's just you and the partner any if the others want to attend any of them.
Unless all of your family essentially lives within a day's drive you are going to run into that anyway. I have seen destination weddings done partly to prevent the hurt feelings of having to choose which side of the family to have the wedding close to.

Like, where should my DD get married when she is older? Here in Germany where she has spent her life since a teen? In Mexico, by my family? In Colorado by the majority of DH's family? Near her spouse's to be family? What if the spouse's family is as spread out as ours is?
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