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Old 03-28-2013, 07:26 AM   #16
eliza61

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I agree, I don't think the nephew is being selfish by planning a destination wedding. I only hope he isn't guilting people who cannot attend. That's selfish. You either want to get married in a paradise resort OR you want to get married with Aunt Sally there. Most times you can't have it both ways. The nephew needs to make that choice and be okay when Aunt Sally can't show up.
I'm willing to bet Nephew really could care less. I have found that in most wedding scenerios, the drama rarely comes from the two people actually getting married. How crazy is that.
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Old 03-28-2013, 07:30 AM   #17
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My friends son is having a destination wedding next week at a place thats actually only a 5 hour drive from here. Because its easter week and an exclusive resort area, prices for even one night were thru the roof. As a result his mom was hugely stressing over the expense and now is only staying one night. I felt kinda bad because it seemed like the son was pretty oblivious to the financial stress even a one night stay was putting on his mom. I guess my feeling in a case where it would be more extended family like nephew is, if it works for you go, but dont feel too obligated if it is a hardship in any way. Like a previous poster said, the bride and groom can't really expect to have it both ways.
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Old 03-28-2013, 07:31 AM   #18
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self·ish :/ÈselfiSH/
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(of a person, action, or motive) Lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.


Planning a wedding that will cause "fallout" is, in my mind, selfish. It's not going to bring the family together for that family time, it's going to be divisive. It's not about proclaiming your love in front of family and friends, it's "concerned chiefly with one's own... pleasure."


Honeymooning at that same all inclusive in Mexico sounds fabulous. Expecting others to either make the same choice (at New Years, no less, when the prices are through the roof) or to "deal with the fallout" is a different matter. The mother of the groom will "likely be furious" with the OP because she chooses not to dip into retirement funds to take a vacation she didn't plan. Again, this isn't exactly in the best interests of family time or of proclaiming your love as you begin a new family.
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Old 03-28-2013, 07:44 AM   #19
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Well for starters if anyone was having a "DW" in my family, no one could go because we are all broke at the moment.

My brother ran off and got married and they invited no one, last yr. My mom was pissed but we all lived.

Also, I think that it is was short sighted of you to agree to go with a family of 4. That is just not reality to think that a trip for 4 at an "AI" would not be anything but expensive. So you have to take some of the heat there.

As another poster said that is probably the MOST expensive time to go to a DW!!!

Whose sib is this? Once the date is set, see how much it is and go from there.

Sounds like your DH really wants to go. Can you leave the kids somewhere and then go on a "mini trip"?
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Old 03-28-2013, 07:46 AM   #20
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Originally Posted by Aliceacc View Post
It's not about proclaiming your love in front of family and friends, it's "concerned chiefly with one's own... pleasure."
A wedding is about proclaiming your love. The family and friends are optional, and a wedding SHOULD be chiefly concerned with the couple's own pleasure, it's THEIR day. Family members who choose to be offended by it (not OP) are the ones who are selfish, because they don't realize that it isn't about THEM.
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Old 03-28-2013, 07:47 AM   #21
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Ok, than let me rephrase that. One's wedding would be a time to be a little selfish. And in my opinion it's the family members who are selfish because they are not thinking of the bride and groom only what they "Can't" do.

I totally admit I was chiefly concerned about how my husband and I wanted our day. I was totally focused on Our pleasure as you call it. considering that I would spend the next 27 years of my life with him, don't have a problem with it.

two different ways of thinking about it.

I hope my sons plan the wedding of their dreams and not deny themselves any thing because of being worried what their "family" thinks. If my family can't be happy for him simply because he's found love (and that goes for myself) then by all means stay the heck home, last thing I want or need is some one with an attitude because they feel their needs weren't taken into consideration.
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Old 03-28-2013, 07:48 AM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsklamc View Post
A wedding is about proclaiming your love. The family and friends are optional, and a wedding SHOULD be chiefly concerned with the couple's own pleasure, it's THEIR day. Family members who choose to be offended by it (not OP) are the ones who are selfish, because they don't realize that it isn't about THEM.
LOL. get out of my head. Just goes to show you, I talk too much.
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Old 03-28-2013, 07:56 AM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aliceacc View Post
self·ish :/ÈselfiSH/
Adjective

(of a person, action, or motive) Lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.


Planning a wedding that will cause "fallout" is, in my mind, selfish. It's not going to bring the family together for that family time, it's going to be divisive. It's not about proclaiming your love in front of family and friends, it's "concerned chiefly with one's own... pleasure."

It really depends on how you view a wedding. Some people view it strictly as a ceremony/vow between two people only. The family and friends are optional. Others view it as that same type of scenario; however, having friends and family witness their proclamation of commitment is necessary and expected. If you are a person who believes in the second version of a wedding then having a destination wedding and expecting your family to attend IS selfish. If you follow #1, then you're not selfish at all.

So far, I haven't read any evidence that the nephew is demanding everyone's presence.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:03 AM   #24
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Originally Posted by elaine amj View Post
Our nephew is planning a destination wedding at an all-inclusive in Mexico over New Year's. (prob around Dec 30th). I just want to get some perspective and ideas on how people feel about destination weddings and just how much sacrifice should be "expected" on the guests' part to be there. (and I'm also partly just venting!)
None, the couple or any other family member shouldn't expect anyone else to sacrifice anything to attend a destination wedding. Unfortunately many do.

For me, no way would I give up my family vacations in order to comfortably afford to go to a destination wedding. I wouldn't dip in to retirement savings, or kids college funds or emergency funds either. If it was a place I was willing to go in the first place, I'd set a budget and if I cant find accommodations to fit that budget then I just wouldn't go. If anyone had an issue with that, well I'd have some words for them that I cant say on the DIS.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:32 AM   #25
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Wow...this is awesome. It really helps to have the wide array of feedback and perspectives. My DH last night actually threw up his hands and said, "whatever...let's just not go". I'm actually the one pressuring to go. When my brother And my mom got married, we didn't care about the exorbitant cost to fly across the world to be there for them. We just paid up.

The major difficulty I am having is that we CAN afford it..as long as we give up some other things. And frankly, my nephew won't really care that we are not there. It's the rest of the family that will be miffed (look, they can afford to go on a cruise but not the DW). Sure SiL cannot go, she can't afford it. Sure sister can't go...she'll have a brand new baby. But look at them doing all these other pricey trips and then saying they can't go to the DW.

Be honest, if u were planning a DW and u knew a family member could afford it, wouldn't u think that "oh yeah uncle so and so will be there, they can afford it".

I'm just having a tough time paying what I know will be peak pricing. I can afford all my trips because we hunt for the best deals. If I was going to blow $5 -7k on 1 single trip I want a week on the Fantasy!

The only ppl from our side of the family there will be our niece (his sister) and her family...his mom (our SIL), hmmm.... Can't think of anyone else. So it's not like a big extended family get together.

And there's no way we would go and not bring our kids. I just wouldn't spend that much and not have a family trip. We would consider it our vacation...just a very pricey one we wouldn't normally spend on.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:41 AM   #26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine amj View Post
Wow...this is awesome. It really helps to have the wide array of feedback and perspectives. My DH last night actually threw up his hands and said, "whatever...let's just not go". I'm actually the one pressuring to go. When my brother And my mom got married, we didn't care about the exorbitant cost to fly across the world to be there for them. We just paid up.

The major difficulty I am having is that we CAN afford it..as long as we give up some other things. And frankly, my nephew won't really care that we are not there. It's the rest of the family that will be miffed (look, they can afford to go on a cruise but not the DW). Sure SiL cannot go, she can't afford it. Sure sister can't go...she'll have a brand new baby. But look at them doing all these other pricey trips and then saying they can't go to the DW.

Be honest, if u were planning a DW and u knew a family member could afford it, wouldn't u think that "oh yeah uncle so and so will be there, they can afford it".

I'm just having a tough time paying what I know will be peak pricing. I can afford all my trips because we hunt for the best deals. If I was going to blow $5 -7k on 1 single trip I want a week on the Fantasy!

The only ppl from our side of the family there will be our niece (his sister) and her family...his mom (our SIL), hmmm.... Can't think of anyone else. So it's not like a big extended family get together.

And there's no way we would go and not bring our kids. I just wouldn't spend that much and not have a family trip. We would consider it our vacation...just a very pricey one we wouldn't normally spend on.
Well then don't worry about it. Just decline the DW.

If they "talk about you behind your backs" so what? Expecting you to chuck up 7 grand on their wedding is laughable imo.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:47 AM   #27
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In every destination wedding thread from the guest perspective people assume that the bride/groom would be "furious" that the invited guest didn't attend.

In my experience, as someone who had a destination wedding (of sorts, my now ex & I got married where we lived however our entire families had to travel) and has been involved with no less than 9 destination weddings ... The bride and groom have never cared who shows and who doesn't.

It's the guests who almost always treat the invitation as a summons.

Can't afford it, don't want to go...don't go. Really. Not that huge of a deal. I have never seen WWIII started in families over this.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:50 AM   #28
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Originally Posted by elaine amj View Post
Wow...this is awesome. It really helps to have the wide array of feedback and perspectives. My DH last night actually threw up his hands and said, "whatever...let's just not go". I'm actually the one pressuring to go. When my brother And my mom got married, we didn't care about the exorbitant cost to fly across the world to be there for them. We just paid up.

The major difficulty I am having is that we CAN afford it..as long as we give up some other things. And frankly, my nephew won't really care that we are not there. It's the rest of the family that will be miffed (look, they can afford to go on a cruise but not the DW). Sure SiL cannot go, she can't afford it. Sure sister can't go...she'll have a brand new baby. But look at them doing all these other pricey trips and then saying they can't go to the DW.

Be honest, if u were planning a DW and u knew a family member could afford it, wouldn't u think that "oh yeah uncle so and so will be there, they can afford it".

I'm just having a tough time paying what I know will be peak pricing. I can afford all my trips because we hunt for the best deals. If I was going to blow $5 -7k on 1 single trip I want a week on the Fantasy!

The only ppl from our side of the family there will be our niece (his sister) and her family...his mom (our SIL), hmmm.... Can't think of anyone else. So it's not like a big extended family get together.

And there's no way we would go and not bring our kids. I just wouldn't spend that much and not have a family trip. We would consider it our vacation...just a very pricey one we wouldn't normally spend on.
Unless people live in the town of a wedding, for anyone traveling it is a destination wedding. We are going to a wedding this summer. It will be close to $1 for flights from the end of the world here back to civilization and then another $500 at least for hotel plus food and a rental car and we are at over $2k and that is in the US.

If you want to go, then go. You normally wouldn't spend so much on a vaction but you could make the destination into it's own vacation.You will already be there and lots of gorgeous things to do and see. I certainly don't blame the wedding couple on doing what they want. You make the choie to attend or you don't and you go with a good attitude because you are choosing to spend the money.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:53 AM   #29
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Be honest, if u were planning a DW and u knew a family member could afford it, wouldn't u think that "oh yeah uncle so and so will be there, they can afford it".
Nope, I would never in a million years think that way. I have some fairly wealthy aunts/uncles who could go anywhere they wanted. But it is THEIR choice as to how they would spend their money.

If your family gets into that sort emotional blackmail, I'm sorry about that. I certainly would not feed into it. It sounds like the only reason you are even entertaining going to this thing is because you DO have the money if you make a lot of concession and you're worried of what people with think of you.

I think you should only go if:

1. It doesn't impact your other planned vacation
2. You don't have to dip into any other forms of savings
3. You would really love to go to this place anyway and so, it *might* impact your other vacation, but that's okay because it's a nice tradeoff.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:53 AM   #30
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Well then don't worry about it. Just decline the DW.

If they "talk about you behind your backs" so what? Expecting you to chuck up 7 grand on their wedding is laughable imo.
This is some great perspective. To be honest, up until the weekend I never even considered not going. My SIL gave us the heads up 6 months ago basically telling us to plan for it. So I meekly said OK. All this time, dH said it will come out of our other savings, not our vacation budget. So it didn't feel like a sacrifice, kwim? Just a cool extra.

My budget side is kicking in. Our other savings means our retirement savings basically.

We were talking about the trip to our close friends yesterday and they told us we were nuts for considering going. So then I started considering the ramifications of going.
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