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Old 03-19-2013, 08:03 AM   #1
M2B
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We have to leave an older child in turmoil

We fly out next Thursday.

Our older son (almost 22) isn't coming with us. In the past 48 hours his life has turned upside down. He broke up with his pregnant girlfriend. (Major issues there, it was never going to work but he was trying) At this point he's being told he will never see the child etc. etc. He was thinking that although him and the mom don't do well as a couple, they needed to find a way to be parents, or make a decision as to what to do about the baby. Her parents got involved and all hell broke loose. He has very little support here and I'm worried about leaving him. But, there's nothing we can do. Even being here there's nothing we can do but listen and support but at least we're here, kwim?

I want to be excited about going. I am excited. I'm just worried about him.
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Old 03-19-2013, 09:35 AM   #2
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It's always difficult to see a child in turmoil, even when they're an adult. Tell him to get a lawyer. As long as he is willing to provide financial support for the child, he should be able to insist on visitation rights- that's what family court is for. Unfortunately, no judge can require good will from the mother or her parents.
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Old 03-19-2013, 10:04 AM   #3
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Ugh, I'm sorry that sounds awful. Make sure you've got a good roaming package so you can text/give him a quick call every now and again. Never a good time for something like that, but extra sorry it's making your heart heavy when it should be light.
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Old 03-19-2013, 11:14 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by minnie mum View Post
It's always difficult to see a child in turmoil, even when they're an adult. Tell him to get a lawyer. As long as he is willing to provide financial support for the child, he should be able to insist on visitation rights- that's what family court is for. Unfortunately, no judge can require good will from the mother or her parents.
We've told him to get a lawyer. There's a long ways to go though. It was reaching the point that he would be in turmoil either way. Either they would be fighting continually or just broken up.
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Old 03-19-2013, 11:37 AM   #5
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Unfortunately, I can't offer any advice or wise words, but just wanted to send a hug your way. I can only imagine how difficult it is to leave on a family vacation knowing your DS is struggling with such big issues.
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Old 03-19-2013, 12:22 PM   #6
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He has every right to not only see the child but also have joint custody. He should go speak to a lawyer and be prepared to go to court for joint custody and visitation as soon as the baby is born. The sooner he has frequent regular visits with the baby the sooner he can have the baby overnight. She will fight this I'm sure but she has no more right to the baby then he does. I know plenty of guys who have 50% custody and some who have sole custody. The most you can do is be supportive and encourage him to remain a part of this child's life. She can not keep him from his baby. The courts take that very seriously now with joint custody now being the norm
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Old 03-19-2013, 12:25 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by minnie mum
It's always difficult to see a child in turmoil, even when they're an adult. Tell him to get a lawyer. As long as he is willing to provide financial support for the child, he should be able to insist on visitation rights- that's what family court is for. Unfortunately, no judge can require good will from the mother or her parents.
He is not only entitled to visitation he is entitled to joint custody. And usually if custody is split 50/50 neither party pays support. And a judge would take a mother preventing a father from seeing their child very seriously. Many friends of mine and myself have spent many many hours dealing with family court.
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Old 03-19-2013, 05:44 PM   #8
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Custody and support are dealt with separately. It is very possible if there is a disparity in income between the 2 parents that the higher income may have to pay the lower. The idea is that the child should not have to suffer by living in 2 differently-incomed households, the child support makes up the difference so it's like they are sharing the overall income...

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Originally Posted by wdwmom3 View Post
He is not only entitled to visitation he is entitled to joint custody. And usually if custody is split 50/50 neither party pays support. And a judge would take a mother preventing a father from seeing their child very seriously. Many friends of mine and myself have spent many many hours dealing with family court.
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Old 03-19-2013, 06:25 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by wdwmom3 View Post
He has every right to not only see the child but also have joint custody. He should go speak to a lawyer and be prepared to go to court for joint custody and visitation as soon as the baby is born. The sooner he has frequent regular visits with the baby the sooner he can have the baby overnight. She will fight this I'm sure but she has no more right to the baby then he does. I know plenty of guys who have 50% custody and some who have sole custody. The most you can do is be supportive and encourage him to remain a part of this child's life. She can not keep him from his baby. The courts take that very seriously now with joint custody now being the norm
Yes! Many guys try to do it the "right" way by going through the court, and not push the issue, but the early time is precious for establishing a bond that the court will not want to disturb.
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Old 03-19-2013, 06:27 PM   #10
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Custody and support are dealt with separately. It is very possible if there is a disparity in income between the 2 parents that the higher income may have to pay the lower. The idea is that the child should not have to suffer by living in 2 differently-incomed households, the child support makes up the difference so it's like they are sharing the overall income...
You are right, but its is very unlikely that 50/50 would be ordered for a newborn who has never lived with both parents. The father would pay based on his income, as per the Federal Child Support Guidelines.

Good luck to OP and her family, I understand how stressful this can be, and your son is lucky to have such a supportive family.
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Old 03-19-2013, 08:24 PM   #11
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A lot of that is far off. He could consult with a lawyer now but we are months from being able to do much of anything. We have advised him to use a free consultation to ask some initial questions. When/if the lawyer is required we will need to help him pay for it.

I'm just worried about leaving him for ten days so soon after such a blow up.

There is a lot up in the air right now. We want him to think for a bit before he does anything. I'm hoping things calm down and a more reasonable approach can be taken. At this point she could still lose the baby or terminate the pregnancy. It's a lot to take in.
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Old 03-19-2013, 08:33 PM   #12
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He really can't do anything until the baby is born except get advice. Give him a big hug and I'm sure he will be ok.
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Old 03-20-2013, 07:07 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wdwmom3 View Post
He has every right to not only see the child but also have joint custody. He should go speak to a lawyer and be prepared to go to court for joint custody and visitation as soon as the baby is born. The sooner he has frequent regular visits with the baby the sooner he can have the baby overnight. She will fight this I'm sure but she has no more right to the baby then he does. I know plenty of guys who have 50% custody and some who have sole custody. The most you can do is be supportive and encourage him to remain a part of this child's life. She can not keep him from his baby. The courts take that very seriously now with joint custody now being the norm
This is about the best advice that you will get. Try without the lawyers but if there is no cooperation then a lawyer may be your best friend.
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Old 03-20-2013, 09:25 AM   #14
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I "think" here, mediation is required before a lawyer. Or you're supposed to attempt mediation before going through a lawyer. That may only apply to couples who hare divorcing though I don't know.

Right now the mom's parents are in "we'll get you" mode. I understand that to some extent but I'm hoping they'll cool off and realize that A) these needs to be their daughter's decisions, and B) there will be a baby caught in the middle of all of this.
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Old 03-20-2013, 09:56 AM   #15
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That is a rough situation - but you are allowed to be okay with going on your vacation. My mother worries about my older brother still and he is 62!! It will never end I am told.

My nephew went through the same thing, his GF got pregnant when he was around your DS age and they had a very volatile relationship. They have managed to make it work, even though he was kicked out many times. The situation is more than likely going to take several 180s before it settles and that might be long, long after the baby is born.

I can tell you -my nephew had to grow up fast and he rose to the challenge - let us hope the same thing happens for your son!!

Good luck.
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