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Old 03-12-2013, 05:34 AM   #31
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Southernmiss

Me too. We've always lived in the same town about ten miles apart. While she watched them when they were babies while I worked, that was all. I can go several weeks without talking or seeing her and we pick up where we left off. We both have our busy lives to lead. I forget to invite her to sime of the kids activities and its ok. I invite her for the really big stuff. She hasn't initiated any invites to the kids for doing stuff with her.

I don't see the beef with ops moms inactivity with the ops kids. They are Grandkids.

I am in my mid forties and I hope it will be a while before I am "expected" to act like a grandparent whatever that means. I am still in the thick of raising my own kids and haven't had time for me in years!
I agree. I have been a paren for 24.5 years and have at least ten more to go before my baby is out of the house. I think I will need a few years break before becoming a "full time grandmother".
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Old 03-12-2013, 05:36 AM   #32
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I have an open job offer in Ohio when I get back I can start whenever I'm ready(per former boss). I've never asked my mother to have my kids over for the night the one time she did her spouse offered. It's more about spending alone time with them than actually babysitting. I guess I just have such fond memories of all the great times I had with my grandmother that I feel bad for my kids that they won't have the same. I just feel like she told me what I wanted to hear to get me to Denver just so she would have someone close enough to have around when she wanted to spend time with us. She is still my mother and has suffered from depression in the past so I really don't want her to feel its her fault and fall back into it.
You know, I think it is sad that you seem to have the attitude that the only way they can build great memories with their grandmother is by being "alone" with there (but not really alone--both together but you not there, right?).

Please try not to mar the memories they ARE making with her there and you at the same time by acting as if those are not valid.

Also, there is a lot of time when they are OLDER for the kids to spend time alone with grandma, if she wants to have them then. There is a big difference between keeping little kids for the weekend, and having a tween or teen spend the weekend with you--and your mom is young enough that she will likely be around to have fun times with her grandkids when they are those older ages.
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Old 03-12-2013, 05:39 AM   #33
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JakeJenna
Yea I definitely didn't mean full time as in taking care of them full time. With that said I have a 13 year old nephew and a 11 year old niece. While she was still in Ohio she had them at least four nights a week, which I didn't expect nor want. I guess a night every two months or so would have been nice. Or even taking dd4 and dd3 to do something without DW and I. My expectations were set by how she treated other grandchildren, and I only wanted about a tenth of that.
I am sorry. That sounds fair. My in laws don't give a hoot about my kids and it does hurt my husband. It is especially hard when my father in law spend time with his girlfriend daughter and her step grandchildren. But we don't say anything because you can't make people do things they don't want to do, it breads resentment.
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Old 03-12-2013, 05:47 AM   #34
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Originally Posted by NHdisneylover

You know, I think it is sad that you seem to have the attitude that the only way they can build great memories with their grandmother is by being "alone" with there (but not really alone--both together but you not there, right?).

Please try not to mar the memories they ARE making with her there and you at the same time by acting as if those are not valid.

Also, there is a lot of time when they are OLDER for the kids to spend time alone with grandma, if she wants to have them then. There is a big difference between keeping little kids for the weekend, and having a tween or teen spend the weekend with you--and your mom is young enough that she will likely be around to have fun times with her grandkids when they are those older ages.
My own mother enjoys my teens more than the little kids. Don't give up, she may need some time. It does hurt, I know. Good luck. It sounds like you are doing what is best for your family.
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Old 03-12-2013, 09:24 AM   #35
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I would want to move back to Toledo, to make more money and be closer to other relatives, too. Was this a case of her BEGGING you to move to where she was, or you doing just doing so to be closer to her.

A GRANDPARENT by late 40's and you think she should have known about being a full-time grandparent............. Your mom is barely middle age. . I'm in my early 50's and my kids are in college and I'm a young 50's, go out on weekends too. Not available for babysitting YET!!
My mom became a grandparent in her early 40's(I was a married adult when I had my kids) & has been a great full time grandparent. Being a full time grandparent does not mean caring for the kids. It means spending time with them on a regular basis.
Best wishes OP. I can suck when your parents disappoint, even as adults.
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Old 03-12-2013, 10:22 AM   #36
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I agree that we should cut the OP some slack for using the words "full time grandparent." I took it that she meant active and involved, not "built-in babysitter."

I consider both my in-laws and my parents "full-time grandparents" but they RARELY babysit (maybe once or twice per year.) My parents live hundreds of miles away for 6 months of the year (they're snowbirds), but they call every weekend. They keep up with what the kids are interested in, etc. They attend their school/sports/activities functions when they can.

I only had one living grandparent during my growing up years (my mother's mother). She never came to anything -- not grandparents day at school, not birthday parties, not sports/activities. We never saw her unless we went to her house. Even then, she never really asked about us or took interest in us. At the time, I told myself (or maybe my mother told me) that she couldn't come to things because she lived "so far away." But now that I'm an adult, I realized that she only lived about 45 minutes away and she was fully capable of driving it. She just didn't.

But -- OP, I agree with most. There's no use dragging being a good/bad grandmother into the situation. You won't change her and you'll just cause hurt feelings. I think you should keep it "about the job" or "about the location" (what you've missed from Toledo, not what you didn't get in Denver).
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Old 03-12-2013, 10:27 AM   #37
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I don't even think you need to mention her not being a full-time grandparent as a reason for your move. Just tell her that you have job with better pay and that's why you are moving. Saying, "hey mom, you aren't a good grandma so we're moving across the country" is tactless and hurtful.
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Old 03-12-2013, 11:39 AM   #38
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Originally Posted by disykat View Post
I think some of you are being too hard on the OP for the "full time grandparent" comment. I don't think he/she meant it in a "full time" kind of way, but rather in a "close relationship" because they live close kind of way.


However, my advice is STILL don't tie this choice to leave to her in any way.
I don't know DK, I think way to many people have this unrealistic expectation. How many post do we get where folks take their grandparents to disney and then get mad because said granparents what to do their own thing? we had one poster who got mad because grandma wouldn't watch the kiddies where dh and her had a "date night".

I think one of the problems is that we have this "leave it to beaver" notion of grandparenthood. You know where granny is just waiting for the grandkids to visit with a fresh baked apple pie? no life, sorry todays grandparents are not like that.

I agree with the other posters about 40'ish being young, I'm in my 50's and my kids are finally becoming independant where I can now explore my own life (sadly it took a drastic turn but that's moot). I have plans and if I'm totally honest they don't include watching some one elses kids every weekend. I know op said she didn't expect this and I'm not implying that's what she wanted.

Now what do you guys expect when you say "active and involved"? sorry from the granparents I know, most of the time that means, dropping said kid off at grandparents and have them staying there. Ok so it's glorified baby sitting. I know couples who moved into adult only communities specifically so they would not have to do this.
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Old 03-12-2013, 11:53 AM   #39
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Originally Posted by eliza61 View Post
I don't know DK, I think way to many people have this unrealistic expectation. How many post do we get where folks take their grandparents to disney and then get mad because said granparents what to do their own thing? we had one poster who got mad because grandma wouldn't watch the kiddies where dh and her had a "date night".

I think one of the problems is that we have this "leave it to beaver" notion of grandparenthood. You know where granny is just waiting for the grandkids to visit with a fresh baked apple pie? no life, sorry todays grandparents are not like that.

I agree with the other posters about 40'ish being young, I'm in my 50's and my kids are finally becoming independant where I can now explore my own life (sadly it took a drastic turn but that's moot). I have plans and if I'm totally honest they don't include watching some one elses kids every weekend. I know op said she didn't expect this and I'm not implying that's what she wanted.

Now what do you guys expect when you say "active and involved"? sorry from the granparents I know, most of the time that means, dropping said kid off at grandparents and have them staying there. Ok so it's glorified baby sitting. I know couples who moved into adult only communities specifically so they would not have to do this.
Many of us have explained this - it's about interest level more than anything. My kid's grandparents all live in another state, but I also consider them "full time grandparents" and "active and involved." My kids feel loved by them.

I would be the first to agree that expecting constant babysitting from a grandparent is wrong. That's not the vibe I got from the OP.
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Old 03-12-2013, 12:03 PM   #40
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Now what do you guys expect when you say "active and involved"? sorry from the granparents I know, most of the time that means, dropping said kid off at grandparents and have them staying there. Ok so it's glorified baby sitting. I know couples who moved into adult only communities specifically so they would not have to do this.
I thought I explained myself, too. My parents and my husband's parents occasionally babysit (maybe once or twice a year, rarely overnight. We don't go out much). But that's not what makes them "active and involved."

They take an interest in their grandkids. My parents live in Florida half the year, and here for half the year. They're currently in Florida, so they don't see the kids much... but they call every weekend. My father, whom I *never* saw watch basketball in his life, at least catches the SportsCenter highlights so he can talk about my son's favorite NBA team with him. They follow our hometown hockey team. They know the kids' teachers' names and friends' names because they made an effort to learn them and know who they're talking about when my kids mention their friends. When they're in town, they try to come to some school/sports things. They don't come to EVERY game, but they try to make it a couple during the season. My parents missed the whole basketball season (due to being out of state), but they asked me to videotape part of a game so they can watch it when they get home.

My in-laws live around here full time and they come to more of the activities and stuff. MIL loves to shop and picks up small items (she's a good bargain hunter) that she thinks the kids will like. We see them most weekends -- as a family, not for free babysitting.

They're making an effort so the kids know that they are an important part of their grandparents' lives. (My own grandmother did not do the same.)
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Old 03-12-2013, 12:15 PM   #41
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I don't know. I don't have a "leave it beaver" view of grandparenthood, but I do think they should be a part of their grandchildren's life. That doesn't necessarily equate to childcare but I can't imagine not being involved in their lives.

And, I guess, I do see it as a responsibility of sorts. You have kids, then you become a grandparent. My parents are super involved in my kids lives. They are at games, tournaments, recitals, birthdays, graduations, communions. And if they miss a game, they are right there calling to ask how it went. As the kids are getting older, they may not sleep over, but they do speak on the phone at least once a week. It WOULD make me sad if my parents weren't involved.

It kind of saddens me when I hear people say there is not "responsibility" in grandparenting. SOme of my fondest memories are spending Sundays with all my cousins , aunts and uncles and grandparents. I learned so much about our history from them. But I guess we are just like that. Family is key to us. We like being together. Heck, our family of 26 even take a vacation together every summer.

I also read people saying they would like a break before being grandparents. A break from what? Being a grandparent and being involved doesn't mean childcare 24/7. I just see it as a natural evolvement. My parents have their own lives, they travel, go out on weekends but still manage to be involved. I look forward to the day when I can be there to watch my kids become parents. In fact, I can't wait!

So OP, I can understand your disappointment, regardless of your mom's age. But just tell her you are moving because of the opportunities.

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Old 03-12-2013, 12:17 PM   #42
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Many of us have explained this - it's about interest level more than anything. My kid's grandparents all live in another state, but I also consider them "full time grandparents" and "active and involved." My kids feel loved by them.
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They're making an effort so the kids know that they are an important part of their grandparents' lives. (My own grandmother did not do the same.)
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Old 03-12-2013, 12:20 PM   #43
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I am shocked by all the judgement regarding the grandmother in her forties (with the implication that makes the OP and her family...what...skanky or something? )

The math seems pretty reasonable...
Graduate college at 21
Get married at 22
Have a baby at 23

...if OP followed the same path then grandmother would be 46 when grandchild was born and 48 when he or she is a toddler. That seems perfectly reasonable and closer to the US average for marriage and children than the 29 and 31 I was when I married/had a kid.
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Old 03-12-2013, 12:24 PM   #44
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Sounds like your mother got burned out on the whole 'grandma' thing. I know how you feel. When I told my mother that I was going to be a mother, her very first comment was, "well, don't expect me to be your babysitter." I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. She lived an hour away so no way would she have been doing any babysitting. She continued her coldness to my son until she discovered she was dying. Then, she made amends to me saying she knew she had made a huge mistake and she asked to see my son. I was hesitant to consent. He was 14 and willing to come to see her. She had a long talk with him, told him how much she loved him and how proud of him she was. She had huge regrets that she had missed so much in his life. Look, there's not much you can do about that. Go back 'home' and make a good life for yourself.
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Old 03-12-2013, 12:33 PM   #45
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I don't think most people have read the OP (or updates) very carefully. He is not saying he expected full-time, free babysitting. He's saying his mother has only had the kids (alone) twice in TWO YEARS. I'd expect a lot more than that from a grandparent living in the same city, too. Not because I wanted free childcare, but because I would want my kids to have a relationship with their grandmother that was closer than babysitting once a year! Of course, it's her choice and if she isn't willing, nothing can be done...but I'd still be upset about it!
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