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Old 03-11-2013, 06:30 PM   #1
JakeJenna
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Please help me break the bad news

Two years ago we moved from Toledo to Denver where my mom has lived for four years. We have recently decided to move back home, there are several reasons we have decide to go home. First and foremost is money, my profession pays significantly less here and everything cost about 30% more. The second biggest factor is my mom, its obvious now she moved from home because she didn't want to be a full time grandparent. Which is fine I just wish she had told me that when I asked before we moved 1200 miles away from the rest of our family.

So tonight is the night we break news, and I have no idea the best way to do it. Even though I am disappointed with her participation level with kids I really don't want to make her feel responsible for our decision. Any ideas or input would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 03-11-2013, 06:33 PM   #2
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I just wouldn't let it be about her. Just tell her what you said here. You will make more money back home. Things cost less there too. You have to do what's best for your family.
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Old 03-11-2013, 06:33 PM   #3
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Don't mention her participation with the kids - at all!

Say what you said was first and foremost. You really don't owe her any explanation, so that one will suffice just fine.
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Old 03-11-2013, 06:40 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JakeJenna View Post
Two years ago we moved from Toledo to Denver where my mom has lived for four years. We have recently decided to move back home, there are several reasons we have decide to go home. First and foremost is money, my profession pays significantly less here and everything cost about 30% more. The second biggest factor is my mom, its obvious now she moved from home because she didn't want to be a full time grandparent. Which is fine I just wish she had told me that when I asked before we moved 1200 miles away from the rest of our family.

So tonight is the night we break news, and I have no idea the best way to do it. Even though I am disappointed with her participation level with kids I really don't want to make her feel responsible for our decision. Any ideas or input would be greatly appreciated.
What do you mean by full time grandparent? What were your expectations?
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Old 03-11-2013, 06:56 PM   #5
JakeJenna
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What do you mean by full time grandparent? What were your expectations?
I don't know exactly but more than what she has done. The kids have spent the night at her house once in two years, including said time she has watched them twice in two years. If she was in her sixties I could understand but she is in her late forties. Like I said though its her life if that's all she wants to do I understand I just wish she had been honest when I specifically asked her before we decided to move.
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Old 03-11-2013, 07:10 PM   #6
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I completely understand your disappointment in the lack of relationship effort your mom has put forth. My mom moved to FL (from NJ) When I was pregnant with my first. (her first grandchild) she has seen my oldest about once a year in the last 17 years, and my youngest 2, only 3 or 4 times. she doesn't send cards or gifts (not that I want her to, just that's what my grandparents did) Since my inlaws both died in the last few years my children really have no identifiable grandparents, and it makes me sad.

BUT... it is what it is, and you can not base your own life decisions on something other than what is best for you and your family. Good luck with your move!
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Old 03-11-2013, 07:16 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JakeJenna View Post
Two years ago we moved from Toledo to Denver where my mom has lived for four years. We have recently decided to move back home, there are several reasons we have decide to go home. First and foremost is money, my profession pays significantly less here and everything cost about 30% more. The second biggest factor is my mom, its obvious now she moved from home because she didn't want to be a full time grandparent. Which is fine I just wish she had told me that when I asked before we moved 1200 miles away from the rest of our family.

So tonight is the night we break news, and I have no idea the best way to do it. Even though I am disappointed with her participation level with kids I really don't want to make her feel responsible for our decision. Any ideas or input would be greatly appreciated.
I would want to move back to Toledo, to make more money and be closer to other relatives, too. Was this a case of her BEGGING you to move to where she was, or you doing just doing so to be closer to her.

A GRANDPARENT by late 40's and you think she should have known about being a full-time grandparent............. Your mom is barely middle age. . I'm in my early 50's and my kids are in college and I'm a young 50's, go out on weekends too. Not available for babysitting YET!!
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Old 03-11-2013, 07:18 PM   #8
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What do you mean by full time grandparent? What were your expectations?
As others have said, I wouldnt let her know that she influenced your decision in any way. I would leave her involvement with the kids out of it completely. Just tell her its about finances and your job. Leave it at that and you'll be fine!
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Old 03-11-2013, 07:19 PM   #9
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Full time grandparent? Those expectations make me shudder. Your children - your responsibility.
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Old 03-11-2013, 07:21 PM   #10
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I would want to move back to Toledo, to make more money and be closer to other relatives, too. Was this a case of her BEGGING you to move to where she was, or you doing just doing so to be closer to her.

A GRANDPARENT by late 40's and you think she should have known about being a full-time grandparent............. Your mom is barely middle age. . I'm in my early 50's and my kids are in college and I'm a young 50's, go out on weekends too. Not available for babysitting YET!!
I couldnt believe it either, a GRANDPARENT in her late 40's? Jeez thats young!!! My jaw hit the floor when i read that!

Expecting a lady in her late 40's to be a fulltime grandparent is a bit much, no? But i understand your disappointment. you wish she spent more time with the kids. I get it.
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Old 03-11-2013, 07:31 PM   #11
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Full time grandparent? Those expectations make me shudder. Your children - your responsibility.
Me too. We've always lived in the same town about ten miles apart. While she watched them when they were babies while I worked, that was all. I can go several weeks without talking or seeing her and we pick up where we left off. We both have our busy lives to lead. I forget to invite her to sime of the kids activities and its ok. I invite her for the really big stuff. She hasn't initiated any invites to the kids for doing stuff with her.

I don't see the beef with ops moms inactivity with the ops kids. They are Grandkids.

I am in my mid forties and I hope it will be a while before I am "expected" to act like a grandparent whatever that means. I am still in the thick of raising my own kids and haven't had time for me in years!

Last edited by Southernmiss; 03-11-2013 at 08:23 PM.
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Old 03-11-2013, 07:36 PM   #12
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I couldnt believe it either, a GRANDPARENT in her late 40's? Jeez thats young!!! My jaw hit the floor when i read that!

Expecting a lady in her late 40's to be a fulltime grandparent is a bit much, no? But i understand your disappointment. you wish she spent more time with the kids. I get it.
I used to work with a gal who was a grandma at 36

On the latter, my 47 year old cousin became a grandma last year. She still works full time and has an active social life. OTOH, she is NUTS about that grand kid and keeps her a couple times a month at least. Many of us still have small kids at home in our 40's, so I would think being a grandma would be a piece of cake by comparison. No, I wouldn't expect her to be an on-call babysitter, but twice in 2 years? That's kind of sad
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Old 03-11-2013, 07:38 PM   #13
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I think some of you are being too hard on the OP for the "full time grandparent" comment. I don't think he/she meant it in a "full time" kind of way, but rather in a "close relationship" because they live close kind of way.

I'm with you in thinking that grandparenting isn't really a responsibility, but rather something they get to choose how much they do or don't do. Obviously OP moved close anticipating a closer relationship and that isn't what happened.

I think most people who live close to grandparents assume there will be a grandparent gig of at least a couple of hours more than once a year. I'd guess OP is hurt by a perceived lack of interest.

However, my advice is STILL don't tie this choice to leave to her in any way.
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Old 03-11-2013, 08:06 PM   #14
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just tell her your leaving and if she ask why just say "hey"
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Old 03-11-2013, 08:09 PM   #15
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My parents were more involved with my children than my in laws were but that is not saying much. My in aws had 10 children and 25 grandchildren. Of the 25, 3 or 4, including our son, spent the night at their house. Neither set was the made for tv grandparents.

Our daughter is expecting our first grandchild in September and we cannot wait! That's us though and I would not expect everyone to feel this way. I will be babysitting during the week when DD goes back to school.
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