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Old 02-27-2013, 12:16 AM   #31
Buckalew11
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Thank you so much at least someone on here can understand. I know everyone thinks if Dads complain about how much child support they are paying it means they don't want to take care of their kids.

What else could it mean?

For either parent? Not limited to Dads. I've known 3 dads who never complained. Both also went above and beyond for their kids.

Did your son try for custody since he did not want a divorce and she cheated? I know it would not be a guarantee but I have a female client who cheated and lost custody of her daughter.
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Old 02-27-2013, 12:18 AM   #32
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It's really not about him having a social life he doesn't need one now. I just want him to be able to take care of his kids and himself. With the loss of my husband I'm in no position to help him financial. He wasn't the one who wanted a divorce she left him. I know he's not perfect by he wanted to try and save the marriage but she left and had an affair.
Wait Auntie is that you??? My cousin is going through the exact same thing. He pays so much in child support. His ex is always trying to keep the kids from him and demanding more money. Yes he understands he has to pay for his kids, but not be taken for practically every cent. His ex left him, so I understand your frustrations.
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Old 02-27-2013, 12:18 AM   #33
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What else could it mean?
I was kind of thinking the same thing.
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Old 02-27-2013, 12:22 AM   #34
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Wait Auntie is that you??? My cousin is going through the exact same thing. He pays so much in child support. His ex is always trying to keep the kids from him and demanding more money. Yes he understands he has to pay for his kids, but not be taken for practically every cent. His ex left him, so I understand your frustrations.
Who left who should not even be a factor. Child support is meant to keep the kids in at least close to the living condition they are used to. When people start pointing fingers about who left who and who cheated and who wanted to make it work it turns into a pissing match and the kids are the ones who end up suffering. The impression I get from you and the OP is that since the ex wife is the one who left you feel they shouldn't have to pay as much in child support. That's not relevant at all.
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Old 02-27-2013, 12:24 AM   #35
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I was kind of thinking the same thing.
Well, she is the one who said he was complaining about the amount and that "when fathers complain that people think they that they do not want to take care of their kids" so what are we supposed to think?
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Old 02-27-2013, 12:27 AM   #36
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Well, she is the one who said he was complaining about the amount and that "when fathers complain that people think they that they do not want to take care of their kids" so what are we supposed to think?
I don't know. I also want to know why it matters who left who?
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Old 02-27-2013, 12:29 AM   #37
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All he does is work and every day off he gets the kids so he feels like he had no life.
Wow. Just wow.

That's called being a parent. Who do you think watches my child on my days off from work?
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Old 02-27-2013, 12:29 AM   #38
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Who left who should not even be a factor. Child support is meant to keep the kids in at least close to the living condition they are used to. When people start pointing fingers about who left who and who cheated and who wanted to make it work it turns into a pissing match and the kids are the ones who end up suffering. The impression I get from you and the OP is that since the ex wife is the one who left you feel they shouldn't have to pay as much in child support. That's not relevant at all.
I'm sorry, but if one spouse is trying to make it work and the other up and leaves and then uses the kids as leverage I have no sympathy for them. And the kids will not be able to have the same lifestyle. One income cannot support 2 households, unless they make a lot of money. If you are middle income you cannot support 2 households in California. It cannot be done. The ex needs to get a job to help keep the kids in the lifestyle the are accoustomed to. If they can't do that then the lifestyle will drop.
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Old 02-27-2013, 12:32 AM   #39
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Originally Posted by Buckalew11

What else could it mean?

For either parent? Not limited to Dads. I've known 3 dads who never complained. Both also went above and beyond for their kids.

Did your son try for custody since he did not want a divorce and she cheated? I know it would not be a guarantee but I have a female client who cheated and lost custody of her daughter.
His children are only 4 and 2 years old so even though she had an affair and wanted out. He was trying to do what's best for them.
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Old 02-27-2013, 12:33 AM   #40
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I'm sorry, but if one spouse is trying to make it work and the other up and leaves and then uses the kids as leverage I have no sympathy for them. And the kids will not be able to have the same lifestyle. One income cannot support 2 households, unless they make a lot of money. If you are middle income you cannot support 2 households in California. It cannot be done. The ex needs to get a job to help keep the kids in the lifestyle the are accoustomed to. If they can't do that then the lifestyle will drop.
Of course the mom will likely have to get a job. However, the amount the father pays in child support should not at all depend on who left who. It should be based upon income and expenses only. The fact that the OP's ex DIL had an affair and left has no bearing on the amount of child support he pays.
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Old 02-27-2013, 12:42 AM   #41
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His children are only 4 and 2 years old so even though she had an affair and wanted out. He was trying to do what's best for them.
So, he feels like leaving them with his ex is best for them? Hmm...that's interesting. The judge might feel like mom can do best but I as the other parent would never think that. If there was proof of cheating, I'd say "go for it" custody wise because there is no way in heck I'd want some stranger(s) in and out of my kids' lives that BF/GFs tend to be (a revolving door, so to speak).
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Old 02-27-2013, 12:44 AM   #42
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Originally Posted by superme80

Wait Auntie is that you??? My cousin is going through the exact same thing. He pays so much in child support. His ex is always trying to keep the kids from him and demanding more money. Yes he understands he has to pay for his kids, but not be taken for practically every cent. His ex left him, so I understand your frustrations.
Finally someone who knows what I'm talking about this is almost exactly what my son is dealing with. My son is going to pay what he has to pay he loves his children very much and would do anything for them.
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Old 02-27-2013, 02:16 AM   #43
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He lives in North Carolina I'm not sure how they figure the amount but, he is really going to have a hard time. Plus the fact I live in Florida and he is pretty much by himself there. All he does is work and every day off he gets the kids so he feels like he had no life. I know divorce is hard on everyone but its breaking my heart to see him suffer.
As others have said, this is pretty much how ALL parents feel. You later say the kids are only 2 and 4. OMG, yes, work and taking care of the kids is really pretty much the sum of life at this stage of parenting for every good parent. Heck, as the non primary parent he probably gets several evenings a week, after work, in which he is ONLY feeding himself, cleaning up after himself and able to watch a TV show, or read, or play a computer game, etc without interruptions. That is a lovely bit of peace and quiet, or "life", that many parents can only dream about when they have preschool aged kids.

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I am 40 years old now, so this was quite sometime ago, but my parents were divorced when I was six. My dad would voluntarily raise the amount he sent to my mom every few years.... In addition to paying for extras like school trips and sports lessons. So not ALL are jerks.
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He is not going to be able to have the same lifestyle he did when he was married. That is one of the things that come with divorce. Even if the mother works they are now supporting the kids and two households with the same income. Living expenses go up when you divide the household. That's the way it works.
Yep, no matter what, it will be hard on the parents after a divorce. You are nearly doubling the "big" expenses (housing, etc) without doubling the income. It is a crappy situation for all invovled.

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Did your son try for custody since he did not want a divorce and she cheated? I know it would not be a guarantee but I have a female client who cheated and lost custody of her daughter.
I wondered that too Personally, I would have a hard time thinking kids are better off living with a parent who thinks so little of them and wants instant gratification for her own needs so much that she had an affair and put her kids through the turmoil of dealing with the fallout that would cause in their family.
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Old 02-27-2013, 02:43 AM   #44
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Did your son have a lawyer? I ask because child support is based upon a formula in NC that takes into account the incomes of each parent, the number of children, the cost of health insurance and the cost of work-related child care. If he consulted with a lawyer at the very beginning of the separation, the lawyer would have been able to calculate his child support obligation before your son signed a lease on a new place. It's a good idea to at least pay for a consultation with an attorney before taking on new financial obligations after a separation. As many have said, the same income the parties had during their marriage now has to stretch to cover two separate costs of living. There's nothing mysterious about this. Everyone gets poorer when there is a divorce.

And, OP, you probably won't get any sympathy about your son not having time or money for a social life. He will have plenty of time to himself during the week while his children are with their mother. Even if he works a lot, his evenings after work will be free of child care responsiblities. He won't have to help with homework, cook dinner for the kids, pack lunches, lay out their clothes for school the next day, bathe the children each night, read to them before bed and log it into their reading logs for school, take them to soccer or ballet after working all day, etc., etc., etc., He may not have a lot of money to afford a social life and his every other weekend will be taken up with the children but he will probably have a lot more free time than the children's mother, especially if she also works.

I'm sorry for the loss of your husband.

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Old 02-27-2013, 03:02 AM   #45
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Did your son have a lawyer? I ask because child support is based upon a formula in NC that takes into account the incomes of each parent, the number of children, the cost of health insurance and the cost of work-related child care. If he consulted with a lawyer at the very beginning of the separation, the lawyer would have been able to calculate his child support obligation before your son signed a lease on a new place. It's always best to at least pay for a consultation with an attorney before taking on new financial obligations after a separation. As many have said, the same income the parties had during their marriage now has to stretch to cover two separate costs of living. There's nothing mysterious about this. Everyone gets poorer when there is a divorce.

And, OP, you probably won't get any sympathy about your son not having time or money for a social life. He WILL have plenty of time to himself during the week while his children are with their mother. His evenings will be free of child care responsiblities. He won't have to help with homework, cook dinner for the kids, pack lunches, lay out their clothes for school the next day, bathe the children each night, read to them before bed and log it into their reading logs for school, take them to soccer or ballet after working all day, etc., etc., etc., He may not have a lot of money to afford a social life and his every other weekend will be taken up with the children but he will have a lot more free time than the children's mother, especially if she also works.
Not to mention, that he only has to do about 25% of his kids' laundry (assuming he washes what they wear at his house while he has them and that he has them EVERY weekend). He's not scrambling to find childcare, or pay for a sitter, when kids are sick on school days, staying up at night with a sick child on a work night, etc.

and OP, I am truly extremely sorry about your loss of your husband. I know I would be totally devastated if I lost my husband. I cannot even imagine the level of grief that would cause. I am so sorry you are living with that. It must be hard on your adult son to have lost his dad, too.

I can understand that your son grieving could make everything just feel worse to him right now. That would be normal.

I do think, however, it would be a good idea to stop trying to link his ability to care for and be responsible for his young children to the loss of his dad. Most adults have to take care of their children without relying on their parents to help financially, and many do it without emotional support from parents either. He is an adult and HIS kids are the little ones now, little ones who rely on him for support, love, attention, etc. The way you keep bringing up your husband's loss/his father's loss, makes me think that he is perhaps getting into a pattern of using that as a crutch or reason to not be able to do what he should, or to garner sympathy for his situation in the divorce/as a father--and the two are really not related.
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