Becoming More Social?

[StitchesGr8Fan]

I'm an introvert and don't care for small talk. But as Leonard has to tell Sheldon on Big Bang Theory - it is a non-negotiable social norm.

Just like extroverts have to learn to relate to introverts, introverts have to learn to relate to extroverts. It's all about compromise, compassion, and understanding.

[Nette]

Originally Posted by StitchesGr8Fan

I'm an introvert and don't care for small talk. But as Leonard has to tell Sheldon on Big Bang Theory - it is a non-negotiable social norm.

Just like extroverts have to learn to relate to introverts, introverts have to learn to relate to extroverts. It's all about compromise, compassion, and understanding.

Agreed... but it sometimes seems like a one sided deal... and the introverts get the raw deal.

[dmiller64152]

Originally Posted by Nette

Agreed... but it sometimes seems like a one sided deal... and the introverts get the raw deal.

SO TRUE!

[Liberty Belle]

Originally Posted by Nette

Agreed... but it sometimes seems like a one sided deal... and the introverts get the raw deal.

Well, that's true. You hear people saying "Don't be so shy!" all the time and they seem to think it's perfectly fine. You never hear anyone saying "Stop talking so much! Pipe down!"

[Agri]

Originally Posted by Ginny Favers

Ending a relationship is fine, but threatening to end it if someone does not change is not.

What is sad is that he gave her this ultimatum-- change or else I leave you. He might have phrased it nicer, but that's the gist of it.

To me it's like, lose weight or I leave you. Or in his case, "You have such a pretty face, if you just lost a little weight, the whole world would see how pretty you are! Otherwise, I don't know if I can be with you as it breaks my heart when people don't see how special you are." If she wants to do it, great, but sometimes, it's not so easy to do. Breaking out of shyness is not a simple thing, and introducing the possibility that he might leave her isn't exactly the confidence-builder one needs to become more social.

If he really does love her, he should accept ALL of her and help her to break free of her anxieties-- not issue threats thinly veiled as compliments.

Here's the thing - everyone has their dealbreakers and not everyone knows what they are until they are confronted by them. Should someone just go "I'm breaking up with you because of _________" or be up front and tell them what the issue is so the person has a chance to fix it?

As a relationship grows and changes, the people in the relationship grow and change and what each person needs from that relationship changes as well. Once the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship is over, the work begins. The rose-tinted glasses are off and flaws are seen. Adjustments need to be made or the relationship fails. It's perfectly okay if a relationship fails, however to think that someone should just accept someone 100% of the time is the only way to show that you love someone is a bit narrow-minded, imo.

I think your analogy is a misleading one as someone could be concerned about a person's weight from the point of view that they find it difficult to cope with a partner who isn't leading a healthy lifestyle. A concern about someone's weight does not have to be superficial at all. Nor does a concern about perceived shyness.

I would much rather be with a man who could sit down and TELL me what he feels are problems/issues in the relationship rather than be called a fat cow or a weirdo in the middle of a heated argument. I'd rather have a civil discussion than be dumped and find out that it was due to an issue that was fixable if only he said something.

The OP has stated several times that she feels her inability/fear negatively impacts her life and has for quite awhile. That should be enough for ANYONE to be supportive of someone trying to make themselves a better person rather than telling them "No, you don't have to change." SHE wants to. Even if a person might fail, if THEY want to try to be a better person, the right thing to do is encourage and support them. Whether they fail or excel, they'll still learn more about themselves in the process and still become a better person even if their results don't match their initial goal.

[Ginny Favers]

Originally Posted by Agri

Here's the thing - everyone has their dealbreakers and not everyone knows what they are until they are confronted by them. Should someone just go "I'm breaking up with you because of _________" or be up front and tell them what the issue is so the person has a chance to fix it?

As a relationship grows and changes, the people in the relationship grow and change and what each person needs from that relationship changes as well. Once the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship is over, the work begins. The rose-tinted glasses are off and flaws are seen. Adjustments need to be made or the relationship fails. It's perfectly okay if a relationship fails, however to think that someone should just accept someone 100% of the time is the only way to show that you love someone is a bit narrow-minded, imo.

I think your analogy is a misleading one as someone could be concerned about a person's weight from the point of view that they find it difficult to cope with a partner who isn't leading a healthy lifestyle. A concern about someone's weight does not have to be superficial at all. Nor does a concern about perceived shyness.

I would much rather be with a man who could sit down and TELL me what he feels are problems/issues in the relationship rather than be called a fat cow or a weirdo in the middle of a heated argument. I'd rather have a civil discussion than be dumped and find out that it was due to an issue that was fixable if only he said something.

The OP has stated several times that she feels her inability/fear negatively impacts her life and has for quite awhile. That should be enough for ANYONE to be supportive of someone trying to make themselves a better person rather than telling them "No, you don't have to change." SHE wants to. Even if a person might fail, if THEY want to try to be a better person, the right thing to do is encourage and support them. Whether they fail or excel, they'll still learn more about themselves in the process and still become a better person even if their results don't match their initial goal.

I agree 100% that bringing up his concerns was the right thing to do. Obviously keeping them bottled up and then calling her names in the heat of an argument, or breaking up with her without giving her a reason would be worse.

However, I maintain that giving her a nicely-worded ultimatum is NOT the right thing to do. Saying "you embarrass me, change or I'll leave you" (of course, in a nicer way) is NOT the support a shy person needs to break out of that shell. Not only does it imply she's defective, it's strongarming and threatening, dressed up in a sweet "I'm only saying this to help you!" package. It's wrong. Much more inspiring would be something like, "I know you want to change, I see you putting in effort, and I want to help you. I will be with you and support you, no matter what."