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Old 02-15-2013, 05:21 PM   #16
eliza61

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My love to you Op, my oldest is an Aspie kids, school is absolutely treacherous. It's really hard now because the few friends he has are maturing normally and he is not.
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Old 02-15-2013, 05:26 PM   #17
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OP, I can tell you that I have seen that kids who struggle with the issues your son has. They overcome them and can end up doing well. I've also seen kids who sail through and then once they leave school and realize the world doesn't love them like they think it should, it's like a slap in the face. Some do fine but others crash and burn.

Just be there to support your son and know that this stage won't last forever. He's learning to cope and that's a good thing. Cry in private like you're doing because you don't want him to think -erroneously- that there is something wrong with him.

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Old 02-15-2013, 05:30 PM   #18
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I suffer from anxiety and I cannot imagine the type of adult I would be today if my parents had been supportive. Your son is really lucky to have you. You went to get a diagnosis, you are supporting his need for therapy, you are supporting him emotionally...It may seems like you are helpless sometimes, but you truly are a great mother to your child. It will get better, adolescence is a really difficult time but it gets better, eventually.
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Old 02-15-2013, 05:34 PM   #19
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I am so sorry. My heart breaks when I read stuff like that. If it makes you feel ANY better, I have found it to be cyclical. One year can be wONDERFUL top of the world and boom next year is not so hot - friends aren't friends, struggling in a subject that wasn't a worry last year, etc. I have found this year to be most anxiety ridden year by far (8th grade!) and 6th was super rocky. Hopefully next year is better. I wish I had a better answer but honestly from what I have read incessantly, spoken with other parents - age does seem to help....older they get the better it becomes. Here is to hoping!
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Old 02-15-2013, 05:41 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by ebtbmom View Post
Wait, are you talking about your son or mine? Seriously almost exact same situation! DS is dyslexic, ADHD, anxiety, had him tested for Aspergers but supposedly he was "two points" short of being on the spectrum. I really question this because the therapist had already made her mind up before she screened him.

At least it's some consolation to know that we're not alone. DS is so sweet, caring, loyal, and funny, I just wish other people could see in him what I do.
I wish we all lived closer and could get our kids together

My DS is a senior so we are trying to navigate life after high school. Two steps forward one step back right now.
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Old 02-15-2013, 07:13 PM   #21
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Oh my gosh, before any of us had children, did any of us realize how hard parenting was going to be?!! Just day to day parenting is hard... much less when you feel like you are watching your child struggle. OP, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, but it does sound like you are doing an amazing job, and I agree... he is lucky to have you.
I agree with the PPs that have said overcoming these struggles will serve him better in the end. I was one of those kiddos that sailed through their childhood easy-peasy, and I don't think it served me well as an adult. I feel like I finally got it, but it took me until my 30s before I finally did. Don't get me wrong, I'm not whining about my childhood, but I do wish I had experienced a few more issues so I could learn how to overcome them before the stakes became so high.
My son just lost his father (my ex-husband) to a sudden cardiac arrest in October (my son is eight) and while my heart ACHES for him, in a way I feel like his overcoming this and dealing with his grief will be a huge character building moment. Do I wish this on him? Of course not! But do I think it may help him in the future? Yes, I do.
We've all been there in one way or another, OP. If you need a hug or someone to cheer you on we're here!!!
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Old 02-15-2013, 07:19 PM   #22
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Okay, I will go ahead and chime in here and lay it all out there....
My son has learning disabilities.. And, while I always thought that any possible Aspergers stuff was just a minimal side thing... As he is older, I have no problems now saying that my son does have some degree of shades of Aspbergers.

He actually does really, really, well.
He is one of those kids who is good at masking things and seeming more like 'normal'. (whatever that is!!! Hahahahaha!!!)

His learning disability is actually known as The Invisible Disability.

He does get along well with others...
Especially adults.
Some kids, who might be more like him.
But is def. not the social butterfly, into texting, music, latest videos or video games, etc...

Mostly, thought, he seems really fine with that!!!

He does have some anxieties.
But, these, as I mention, just arise from how much harder everything is for these kids. Everything can take twice the effort to process. And, especially when young, my son was easily overwhelmed.

When my son was young, they also did not think he was on the spectrum... But, thankfully, the Dr. did recognize his specific learning disabilties and profile.

At this time... the shades of Asperger's are more apparent.
In fact, when we finally took our son for a full re-Eval, the Dr. suggested going with a diagnosis of Asperger's, as it is more readily known, and would be easy to use to qualify for any accommodations, services...

I guess what I am trying to say is, if he is as much like my son as your son sounds... and, similar to my son's case. I am thinking that what he is dealing with might have more to do with the nature and severity of his learning disabilities and processing issues, and def. being shades of Aspberger's.... and less to do with the other diagnosed issues.

If he has not been fully evaluated in a while.... you might want to consider seeking a better specialist. One who might be better at identifying young people who are on the spectrum, even though high-functioning... And NON language based disability/deficits.

They changed the tests after my son was first evaluated.
And, now, they don't parse things out to where my son's disability is immediately apparant.
It takes a good specialist who is able to see the big picture, and look at the different groups of sub-tests. etc...

When the language skills are there, it is easy for other things to be overlooked....

Hope this helps!!!!

Last edited by Wishing on a star; 02-15-2013 at 07:26 PM.
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Old 02-15-2013, 07:45 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by abdmom
13/14 is a tough age for boys, as well as girls. Their hormones are wacky, their bodies are growing at an alarming rate, expectations at school and at home are changing. They're no longer little boys. It's no wonder they have a hard time.

I've got a ds17 and a ds7. At age 12/13, I wondered if ds17 would make it to adulthood. He was beyond miserable. He's a happy, mature young man who brought a report card home with an average of 90 on his first semester courses. This is a kid who was suspended in grade 5 and was getting 60's-70's from grade 6-9.

I used to be a middle school teacher. I took the advice I used to give to my middle school students and parents. Grades don't matter at this age. As long as they're passing, they can read, add, subtract, multiply and divide. Whether or not they get 60 or 80 doesn't really matter. Universities and colleges don't look back that far. What is important is their emotional well-being, well, physical well-being too. I focused on that with ds17 and didn't sweat the mediocre grades. I told him that it was OK if his grades were not the best, but that by grade 11 (which is this year for him), he would need to pick it up. And he did. So, imo, it's OK not to be on the honor roll in middle school. It's OK not to be on the honor roll in high school too. It's more important to have friends, love yourself and be happy and healthy. Focus on that and the rest will fall into place. Just my 2 cents.
Terrific advise.
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Old 02-15-2013, 08:09 PM   #24
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I hear you.

Our son has autism. High functioning for the most part. However it manifests itself emotionally, mentally and physically. He is socially awkward, has little filter and has many, many issues all over the place.

Physical examples...at age 9 he is still unable to brush his own teeth. He tries. He practices. It's a drooling mess. Whatever. Not the end of the world.

Socially he struggles every single day in school. I would say pretty much every day at school he cries at some point. It's a small rural school. His twin's classroom is down the hall. He hears him crying everyday. It's difficult to say the least.

Emotionally...back to the school thing and lack of friends etc. He was coming home back in October-December with talking of killing himself because of lack of friends and all that. This was a very very hard thing to go through. I don't think he would ever actually kill himself, but hearing your child say this an eye-opening experience. He is doing much much better now.

He does go through phases. Good phases and bad phases. There is no predicting them though.

He knows he has autism and he knows he's different. He is not allowed to use this an excuse for bad behaviour. An example is he goes to an art class every Sat. Before he goes I give him a little pep talk of what to talk about, how to behave, things not to say etc. It doesn't come naturally for him; how to act appropriately in social settings. We have to teach him. I think for the most part he does a lot of pretending in these situations, which I guess is okay. We tend to push him beyond his comfort levels. He also takes piano lessons however this one on one with the teacher and so not quite as uncomfortable for him.

It is NOT easy. Some days I just want to pound my head against the wall. Academically, socially, physically...the kid has it all. BUT he is so lovable. It could be so much worse. He has come such a long way (with a massive shove from us). He is not coddled at all and I think generally we are harder on him than our other two kids because he needs to have a thicker skin. He needs to be prepared when he leaves the shelter of our teeny rural school. Yikes. I am not looking forward to the teen years that's for sure!

Anyway a gigantic hug to you and everyone else who goes through this. Every day is a challenge in this house! We still have our sense of humour, it's just very much warped now.
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Old 02-15-2013, 08:11 PM   #25
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I could have written your post. It's so hard being a parent and feeling helpless while watching your child navigate the complexities of teen life. DS13 has AS, anxiety disorder and OCD and not a day goes by that I don't worry about him.
You and your son aren't alone.
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Old 02-15-2013, 08:22 PM   #26
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I can so relate, but to top it off, I also have one of the other kids you describe. It isn't that DD "glides through life" because she really does work her butt off, but things do seem to come so much easier for her. Then I look at DS and he just seems to struggle through everything. As if things aren't hard enough, it must suck for him to have a sister who looks to have it so easy. And it is really hard parenting them. We have to walk a fine line of making sure we recognize all the accomplishments of DD while not making DS feel like a failure because he can't do what she does. It sucks!
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Old 02-15-2013, 08:42 PM   #27
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Sincerly, thank you all for your kind words and support, , I believe that I will give myself permission to ditch this pity party due to the realization that he's not the only one! To help us laugh at it we've been reading Socially Awkward penguin memes, they are really cute and DS laughed at seeing himself in some of them.

Funny story, and I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry, tonight we got invited to my cousin's for a fire/cook-out. DS and I had a pep talk before we went, I created a subtle signal that I would send him if he said something inappropriate and he was going to accept it and try hard to figure things out. Well he actually did really good, some silly teen stuff of course, but he'd been agreeable and funny and really pleasant. Well the fire wasn't burning like he liked and it was driving him crazy. He goes into my cousin's house and returns with something wadded up, I ask him what's that and he says just something he got in the kitchen. I insisted he tell me what it was, and he had gone into my cousin's dryer to get his lint because he knew from Scouts that it burned well. Everyone had a funny look and then just kinda laughed, but I was so embarrased. He thought he was being so resourceful, never realizing that it's bad form to help yourself to your cousin's dryer lint!

OH well, other than that though he did pretty good.

And I shouldn't have said that some kids glide through, I know they work hard, I meant that for some life just seems easy, star student, athlete, socially popular, etc. I was upset and venting.
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Old 02-15-2013, 09:02 PM   #28
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Goodness. Your post strikes such a chord with me. I would say that I have a child like that, but I know she has gifts and that gets me through. Let me explain and the I'll get back to your son.

My middle daughter has been in speech therapy for over a year now, yet she still talks "off", for lack of a better word. She has a weakened immune system and has been hospitalized for eight days with a pneumonia that probably would have been easily defeated by my other kids. She also has auditory processing disorder which means that she struggles with processing what she hears. Not to mention the slight hearing loss in one ear, possibly from various antibiotics. All told, she is as smart as you can imagine, but works slower than every single kid in her class. The kid is bright, but pokey because of her processing issues. Oh, and she is extraordinarily tall and incredibly uncoordinated. She plays travel soccer and is easily the least talented on her team. The other kids are not that kind to her on this team. Everyone might think this kid is a hot mess, and she is on paper, but she is also the most charismatic child I have ever met. People are drawn to her, even with all her imperfections. Not to mention that she is (thankfully) completely and undeniably beautiful. There are days when I cry inside because of the sum of her obstacles, but then I know that God is good because she has also been given gifts that bumper the blow.

My point is that you are not alone. I know that feeling of dying a little inside as your child's imperfections become so apparent. However, I know that your son has gifts. Find them, because he has something. Maybe he is a fantastic musician. Or, perhaps he is inventive. Maybe he can shoot a bow and arrow like nobody's business. There is something.
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Old 02-15-2013, 09:07 PM   #29
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I am faith based person, so here is my answer. My daughter has lots of acronyms.... ADD, dyslexia, sensory integration dysfunction, born with hypotonia...etc. I for years sat around and said to myself how unfair this is! My anxiety was at a ten. The Lord showed me over time a few things.

. Number one every person has challenges they just are not always visible to the general public. For example look at the DIS message board on any given day ! There is a saying that goes if you threw everyone's problems into a pot and had to chose you would pull your own out!

Number two: He has a plan for everyone . It may not be my plan but in the end it will be way better than what I imagined.

Number three: look for the gifts my child does have. She has to work her butt off for C's and often has F's. she sat on the bench this whole basketball season. She stunk up the court! I am choosing to look at it positively. She is a hard worker in school. That will go a long way. As far as the basketball is concerned. Just tonight she had her banquet and the coach talked about her...apparently in practice one day she said" coach I don't understand one thing about this game but I love just being here!" Her coach used her as example of someone who found joy even though she struggled. I wanted to cry. How proud I am to call her my kid!

Finally, her struggles may be more about me learning lessons than her. I am learning to accept her situation and actually find the joy in it. When I feel down I pray and ask God for strength and mercy. He always comes through because ultimately He wants me to rely on Him.

Personally that is how I deal with it. I wish you well!
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Old 02-15-2013, 09:20 PM   #30
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I honestly only ask this as I were very similar at that age.
But could your son be gay?

It could explain the social isolation of not wanting to get too close to some males as he may feel his emotions are "wrong" and explain the distance from females?
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