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Old 02-15-2013, 03:41 PM   #1
ebtbmom
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Why do some kids have it so hard?

My DS has never had it easy. He struggles with grades, anxiety, social skills, life in general. Nothing comes easy for him and I've been hiding out lately crying because I don't want him to think he's upsetting me. I just don't know how to help him and it stinks to fell powerless to help your kid. We're spending a fortune in therapy and tutoring. Thankfully his anxiety has been better lately, but nothing else really.

And worse, me and DH always disagree about what's wrong and what to do about it. Why do some kids glide through life on the honor roll with tons of friends? It's not fair and I'm having a pity party, thanks for reading.
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Old 02-15-2013, 03:48 PM   #2
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I don't know why, but I sympathize. My son doesn't have the anxiety issues or grades, but he does have a hard time with friends. He's a bright kid who would do anything for anyone, yet, he's always left out of the neighborhood things... breaks my heart.

I don't have much helpful to say I guess but you are not alone... it hurts momma's hearts when our littles hurt. Hope it gets better for you, and your DS. Just love him up, that's the best thing.
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Old 02-15-2013, 03:48 PM   #3
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I was that kid, except instead of learning problems I had health problems to go with the emotional issues. On top of that I missed out on a lot of things as a kid because my brother is handicapped and was a handful, so there were some things I never got to do.

But here's the thing, I persevered, and now I'm better able to handle life. These people who skate through life or are overprotected can't function when something bad happens.

Your son is going to grow up to be tough. It's hard now, but the negative can turn in to a positive.
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Old 02-15-2013, 03:55 PM   #4
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I feel for you.

My son gets good grades, but he struggles with SPD, ADHD, anxiety and depression. He has one really close friend (thank I am so very, very thankful for) that he's known for about 4 years. He doesn't go to his school, though and doesn't live in the neighborhood or anywhere close.

My son just switched schools in November and is doing so much better. He's made friends at his new school and is just doing great. Night and day from his old school - no friends, got in trouble almost every day, wouldn't do work, etc. It was hell. So I know exactly what you mean. It's so hard for us parents - I think it's harder on us than them.

I hope things start getting better for your son, soon. I tell you a huge amount of stress has been lifted from us all since he started at his new school.
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Old 02-15-2013, 03:57 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ebtbmom View Post
My DS has never had it easy. He struggles with grades, anxiety, social skills, life in general. Nothing comes easy for him and I've been hiding out lately crying because I don't want him to think he's upsetting me. I just don't know how to help him and it stinks to fell powerless to help your kid. We're spending a fortune in therapy and tutoring. Thankfully his anxiety has been better lately, but nothing else really.

And worse, me and DH always disagree about what's wrong and what to do about it. Why do some kids glide through life on the honor roll with tons of friends? It's not fair and I'm having a pity party, thanks for reading.
I have a 15yr old that is really struggling. We have finally been told by her Dr. to put her on homebound school. She has been out of school since before Christmas with anxiety so bad she can't function at times.

3 out of my 4 kids have struggled with day to day life and at times I'm right there with you with the pity party. My oldest two are thriving today but the pre-teen and teen years were horrible for all of us. Even knowing that they made it through to the other end of the tunnel doesn't make it any easier with my current DD. I struggle every day on how I can help her....it breaks my heart every day.

You are not alone. I'm sorry your DH doesn't always get it. At least I'm fortunate my DH is on board most times.
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Old 02-15-2013, 04:05 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ebtbmom View Post
My DS has never had it easy. He struggles with grades, anxiety, social skills, life in general. Nothing comes easy for him and I've been hiding out lately crying because I don't want him to think he's upsetting me. I just don't know how to help him and it stinks to fell powerless to help your kid. We're spending a fortune in therapy and tutoring. Thankfully his anxiety has been better lately, but nothing else really.

And worse, me and DH always disagree about what's wrong and what to do about it. Why do some kids glide through life on the honor roll with tons of friends? It's not fair and I'm having a pity party, thanks for reading.
Let me know if you ever find the answer. I'm right there with you. My heart breaks for my kids sometimes. And it is even harder when everyone around you has a kid in GT and the absolute best athlete etc....Not to begrudge them of course, but it makes me think well wth did I do wrong!
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Old 02-15-2013, 04:19 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ebtbmom View Post
My DS has never had it easy. He struggles with grades, anxiety, social skills, life in general. Nothing comes easy for him and I've been hiding out lately crying because I don't want him to think he's upsetting me. I just don't know how to help him and it stinks to fell powerless to help your kid. We're spending a fortune in therapy and tutoring. Thankfully his anxiety has been better lately, but nothing else really.

And worse, me and DH always disagree about what's wrong and what to do about it. Why do some kids glide through life on the honor roll with tons of friends? It's not fair and I'm having a pity party, thanks for reading.
I hear ya. It breaks my heart that my son does not have a close friend.


He has "friends" that he sees at school, but none that come over and hang out on a somewhat regular basis.

Aspergers, ADHD, Anxiety, etc....
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Old 02-15-2013, 04:25 PM   #8
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I don't have the answer, but I wanted to let you know I feel for you. It is so hard to watch your child struggle and it hurts so much to watch them hurt. Especially when you can't fix it.

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Old 02-15-2013, 04:33 PM   #9
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13/14 is a tough age for boys, as well as girls. Their hormones are wacky, their bodies are growing at an alarming rate, expectations at school and at home are changing. They're no longer little boys. It's no wonder they have a hard time.

I've got a ds17 and a ds7. At age 12/13, I wondered if ds17 would make it to adulthood. He was beyond miserable. He's a happy, mature young man who brought a report card home with an average of 90 on his first semester courses. This is a kid who was suspended in grade 5 and was getting 60's-70's from grade 6-9.

I used to be a middle school teacher. I took the advice I used to give to my middle school students and parents. Grades don't matter at this age. As long as they're passing, they can read, add, subtract, multiply and divide. Whether or not they get 60 or 80 doesn't really matter. Universities and colleges don't look back that far. What is important is their emotional well-being, well, physical well-being too. I focused on that with ds17 and didn't sweat the mediocre grades. I told him that it was OK if his grades were not the best, but that by grade 11 (which is this year for him), he would need to pick it up. And he did. So, imo, it's OK not to be on the honor roll in middle school. It's OK not to be on the honor roll in high school too. It's more important to have friends, love yourself and be happy and healthy. Focus on that and the rest will fall into place. Just my 2 cents.
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Old 02-15-2013, 05:00 PM   #10
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I understand.
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Old 02-15-2013, 05:01 PM   #11
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I don't believe there is ever a child who has nothing. And I don't believe anyone glides through life. You just don't see their struggles because you don't see them everyday.

For your son, you have to find what it is that he excels at or is passionate about. I had a lot of issues growing up, and it took a long time to find what I was passionate about and good at. My parents encouraged me as much as possible once I found that thing. I also found friends who had the same passions. I was always scared around people, but when they started talking about something I loved, I managed to find my voice. It didn't solve all of my problems, but it made a huge difference.

My brother struggled with grades. He always had to take summer school, and was lucky to graduate high school. My parents understood and didn't pressure him on it. Instead they noticed that he can fix anything mechanical. He used to work at an amusement park running the games, and he would completely dissect a game that wasn't working, fix it, and put it back together. It is remarkable to watch him do it.

Until then, don't pressure him on grades or any other problems. I have anxiety as well, and when I am pressured all of my other problems flair up. He knows his limitations, you need to remind him of his strengths.

It might sound odd, but maybe you and your husband should consider seeing a therapist/professional. It will help you work together and give you insight into something (I assume) you don't struggle with. A professional would give you the best advice on how to deal with his problems.
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Old 02-15-2013, 05:07 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ebtbmom View Post
My DS has never had it easy. He struggles with grades, anxiety, social skills, life in general. Nothing comes easy for him and I've been hiding out lately crying because I don't want him to think he's upsetting me. I just don't know how to help him and it stinks to fell powerless to help your kid. We're spending a fortune in therapy and tutoring. Thankfully his anxiety has been better lately, but nothing else really.

And worse, me and DH always disagree about what's wrong and what to do about it. Why do some kids glide through life on the honor roll with tons of friends? It's not fair and I'm having a pity party, thanks for reading.
You just described my DS to a T (along with the $$ for tutoring and therapy for us). You are definitely not alone but I often feel that way too.
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Old 02-15-2013, 05:08 PM   #13
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I'm right there with you sweetheart. DS16 does school at home due to crippling anxiety. Medication and counseling have helped, but every little thing has been difficult for him.

When I am in my darkest moods it seems that all of the other kids are sailing through life, excelling in sports and earning National Merit Scholarships (if you believe everything you read on the Disboard you would get that idea too!). I try to remind myself that everyone has their problems, and every child has their gifts.
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Old 02-15-2013, 05:11 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by rszdtrvl View Post
I hear ya. It breaks my heart that my son does not have a close friend.


He has "friends" that he sees at school, but none that come over and hang out on a somewhat regular basis.

Aspergers, ADHD, Anxiety, etc....
Wait, are you talking about your son or mine? Seriously almost exact same situation! DS is dyslexic, ADHD, anxiety, had him tested for Aspergers but supposedly he was "two points" short of being on the spectrum. I really question this because the therapist had already made her mind up before she screened him.

At least it's some consolation to know that we're not alone. DS is so sweet, caring, loyal, and funny, I just wish other people could see in him what I do.
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Old 02-15-2013, 05:16 PM   #15
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I have a 15yr old that is really struggling. We have finally been told by her Dr. to put her on homebound school. She has been out of school since before Christmas with anxiety so bad she can't function at times.
Honest question and I would probably agree that homebound school may help, but what is the long term impact? If anxiety is an issue now, how is it going to effect her in college or career life?

Now personally, I am against using medications, and firmly believe there are much better, long term options for dealing with anxiety.
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