Fertile people adopting?

[Tink888]

Originally Posted by LuvinLucifer

Just because someone is infertile hardly means they are able to deal with the special challenges that accompany adopting older children in foster care, many of whom have been abused or have severe special needs. Most fertile people aren't. I know I wouldn't be able or even want to do it, so I'd be a hypocrite to expect differently from someone just because they are infertile.

I agree and never said or implied that they were.

Originally Posted by EMom

Without derailing this thread, it is perfectly normal to want a baby and not a tween or teen when it's your first go at parenting. The most normal and understandable thing in the world......

Some of us have had dealings with the foster care system in our states and want no part of it. Not because of the kids, but because of what the system does to them and how it works. If the states in question would free up foster care children for adoption at a reasonable pace and not keep them in foster care for 10+ years before making them available for adoption, it would make all the difference in the world.

I encourage you or anyone else to adopt an older, waiting child. You should probably look into it. As for me, I wanted a baby less than one year old.

And again I never said an adoptive parent was wrong to want a baby. But there are children who wait, we can all agree on that.

What I did say, was that all of us having different reasons for wanting/doing different things. Just because they are different does not make them wrong.

You were quick to judge the woman the OP mentioned, blasting her ability to be a parent, when really you have no idea what kind of person she is other than vain. I know women who've given birth who are vain and women who've adopted who are vain. They are not bad parents. Who are we to judge her because she doesn't want to go through a pregnancy?

[EMom]

Originally Posted by Tink888

I agree and never said or implied that they were.



And again I never said an adoptive parent was wrong to want a baby. But there are children who wait, we can all agree on that.

What I did say, was that all of us having different reasons for wanting/doing different things. Just because they are different does not make them wrong.

You were quick to judge the woman the OP mentioned, blasting her ability to be a parent, when really you have no idea what kind of person she is other than vain. I know women who've given birth who are vain and women who've adopted who are vain. They are not bad parents. Who are we to judge her because she doesn't want to go through a pregnancy?

If you are unwilling to become pregnant due to worrying about your figure, that says to me that, at best, your priorities are way out of whack. (And probably, that you have no clue as to how hard adoption is.) At worst, it could signal some more serious mental health issues. It reeks of a woman who is likely shallow and sets a high value on physical appearance. Guess what? When you adopt, you may get a chubby kid, a homely kid or one that just does not meet the "high standards" this woman seems to value.

I live in an area with lots of affluent women, many of whom have transferred their issues with physical perfection and the pursuit thereof to their poor DDs. My bet is the agency saw this potential in this woman and didn't want anything to do with it. If losing her figure is that big a concern and gets her thinking adoption is the answer, that tells me (and the agency) that she has no clue what she is in for with adoption. She wants to be in control of her figure? Then she probably won't do well being so out of control trying to adopt.

If someone is vain enough that adoption seems to be a peachy answer to avoiding weight gain, then that signals MUCH bigger issues to me. And a certain amount of delusional thinking.

[Offsides]

Originally Posted by Jennasis

I know someone who is not infertile and in the midst of an adoption. Her reason is that she is afraid of going through childbirth (fear of pain etc).

This is one of thereasons why I personally do not wish to be pregnant. My mom had terrible pregnancies and lost a baby. Ive learned about and seen too many terrible things go wrong in pregnancy. Just because of those things does not mean i would make a bad mother or wouldn't be willing to make sacrifices for my (potential) child.

[Mel522]

I also don't want to go through a pregnancy, partially for what it will do to my body. I would like to be a mother someday, I would just prefer to adopt. That doesn't mean I would be a bad mother, just that I don't want to be pregnant.

[Peanut Giggleface]

I don't think it's discrimination at all. There are adoption agencies set up to assist infertile people with adopting. That's the whole reason they exist. There are also adoption agencies where fertility isn't an issue. She went to the wrong one. That's like going to Burger King and trying to order a pizza. She needs to do more research and find one that is willing to work with her. Personally I think if she's too concerned about ruining her body, she really isn't ready to be a parent. I'm thinking she'll be mortified at spit-ups and catatonic at blow-outs, not to mention what lack of sleep will do to your beauty routine. FWIW I have friends who have adopted children from China, Guatemala and Africa and fertility was never an issue.

[Mickey'snewestfan]

Originally Posted by Peanut Giggleface

I don't think it's discrimination at all. There are adoption agencies set up to assist infertile people with adopting. That's the whole reason they exist. There are also adoption agencies where fertility isn't an issue. She went to the wrong one. That's like going to Burger King and trying to order a pizza. She needs to do more research and find one that is willing to work with her. Personally I think if she's too concerned about ruining her body, she really isn't ready to be a parent. I'm thinking she'll be mortified at spit-ups and catatonic at blow-outs, not to mention what lack of sleep will do to your beauty routine. FWIW I have friends who have adopted children from China, Guatemala and Africa and fertility was never an issue.

Adoption agencies should be set up to assist children with finding homes. They need to keep the children at the forefront of their mission if they're going to be ethical.

Having said that, I do think that many adoption agencies that place healthy newborns have far more applicants than they can manage. Different agencies choose different ways of limiting their pool. Prioritizing those who don't have other options for becoming parents seems a legitimate way to do that.

I think it's important to note that the adoption agency in question is Catholic Charities. The Catholic Church disapproves of contraception. It's quite likely that a fertile married woman who was choosing to avoid pregnancy while pursuing adoption, would be using birth control. I wonder if that played into their decision.

Finally, I'll note that I was probably fertile when I adopted my son. However, I was single, and the city where I was living at the time was struggling with a "Boarder Baby" crisis. My son was considered hard to place, and the agency was delighted to have me as a potential parent.

[North of Mouse]

Originally Posted by StitchesGr8Fan

I'm torn on this. On one hand, I want to see people who can't have kids get the chance to be parents. On the other hand, there seems to be more kids who need parents than there are parents available.

This may be true in one sense, but a lot of the children up for adoption are not infants, or toddlers, but older children. It's true they need homes also, but it would not be easy to adopt an older child for most couples (especially younger couples). Also, there are a lot of special needs kids up for adoption that takes special type people to be able to truly cope with all the demands.

Our daughter tried for several years before adopting two infant boys (from hospital) 3 years apart. She had to wait several months and she wasn't picky at all - girl or boy, any race - but, it had to be an infant, and healthy.

There are many couples waiting that have tried and tried to conceive. To me, it would not be in an adoption center's good will to take a *vain, shallow* woman ahead of *any* couples on the list waiting for an infant. She doesn't sound she would make a very good mother IMO.

It sounds like she *could* be a parent by *normal* means, just chooses for vanity's sake, not to.....

[North of Mouse]

Originally Posted by Mel522

I also don't want to go through a pregnancy, partially for what it will do to my body. I would like to be a mother someday, I would just prefer to adopt. That doesn't mean I would be a bad mother, just that I don't want to be pregnant.

If you truly feel that way, you probably would not enjoy motherhood either. It too, takes a *toll* on the wear and tare of your body Maybe when a few years have passed, when you truly want a baby bad enough, what pregnancy will do to your body (or perceived to do) will be the least of your thoughts and will not matter at all. I never once thought like you do, but trust me, when I wanted a baby, I didn't care what it took Being pregnant with dh & my babies was the greatest thrill we could ever have had. Why wouldn't someone want a baby to look like them, and truly be a part of each one

[Art 1]

What about fertile gay women who want to adopt. Should they be allowed?

[ashley0139]

Originally Posted by North of Mouse

Why wouldn't someone want a baby to look like them, and truly be a part of each one

Just because you don't understand it, doesn't mean there aren't people who do feel that way. I have never had an intense desire to have children that are biologically mine. I don't really understand why you WOULD want to when there are so many children out there who need loving homes. Love makes a family, not biology. For me, it has nothing to do with changes to my body

[LuvinLucifer]

Originally Posted by Art 1

What about fertile gay women who want to adopt. Should they be allowed?

I'm not sure why they should be treated any differently than straight women. It's practically as easy for them to get pregnant.

[LuvinLucifer]

Originally Posted by ashley0139

. I don't really understand why you WOULD want to when there are so many children out there who need loving homes. Love makes a family, not biology. For me, it has nothing to do with changes to my body

Because there aren't many babies who need loving homes. There are older children with special challenges. I wouldn't feel safe bringing a troubled teenager into my home, and I don't have the resources to raise a child with severe FAS. Little Orphan Annie isn't a good reflection of adopting from the state today.

[wilkeliza]

My DBF is adopted even though both of his parents were fertile at the time of adoption. They chose adoption because of 3 reasons. His mom was in her 40s already when he was adopted so they were afraid something would go wrong and he might have medical problems. There was concern for the potential of tay-sachs desease if they were to have a biological child because the father is of the Jewish heritage that carries tay-sachs. Finally they also wanted to be guaranteed a boy. They both have 2 daughters from their previous marriages so to guarantee themselves a boy and thus the hair to the family estate they didn't have at that point they choose to adopt.

To people that say they are worried about being pregnant because of what it does to your body I don't get that argument. I've never met a fit woman who gets pregnant and then goes back to her daily exercise routine who curses their children for what they did to their body. If a baby changes your perfect body so much that you can't get it back age will do the same thing. If it isn't stretch marks now it will be wrinkles later that changes it. I'm only wondering about this argument because I want to know where this idea that once you have babies you can't get back to your pre-baby self comes from.

[ashley0139]

Originally Posted by LuvinLucifer

Because there aren't many babies who need loving homes. There are older children with special challenges. I wouldn't feel safe bringing a troubled teenager into my home, and I don't have the resources to raise a child with severe FAS. Little Orphan Annie isn't a good reflection of adopting from the state today.

I didn't say babies, I said children. And believe me, I've done my research. I understand what adoption (domestic or international) entails. I just cannot understand the sentiment "oh but don't you want one that looks like you?" In my having a child process, the fact that a biological child may possibly look like me would never be an enticement or deciding factor. I know people say it's human nature and ego to want to see your features passed on. I just don't get it. I feel like that's just as bad a reason to have biological children as not wanting your body to change is a reason to adopt.

[Wishing on a star]

I have been in a position to know a little about adoption and adoption-issues.

IMHO, any woman who would make the statement about 'ruining their body' would/should not be considered an appropriate adoptive parent.

Period...
End of story...

It is NOT about whether this woman is able to carry a child.
There is no 'discrimination' card to be played here.

IMHO, it is all about whether this woman is considered fit to be a parent to an adopted child.

Being a parent, under any circumstances, can be the hardest thing one ever faces in life. Adopting an innocent young child, means putting something besides one's shallow, narcissistic, desires FIRST. And this would be point-one when an agency decides whether a woman/couple meet the requirements necessary to be appropriate adoptive parents.