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Old 02-11-2013, 05:52 PM   #46
TinkerBelled
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Originally Posted by JennaDeeDooDah View Post
Feel free to ask away. Personally, I can't really see myself getting into a situation without another man where I was close enough to him to see myself marrying him. I wouldn't want to put myself into that sort of situation because I wouldn't want to have to face that sort of decision. Now, once my daughter is an adult and out of the house (in other words, an adult), that is the only situation in which I would considering letting myself get that close to a man. If that were to occur and he and I were to marry, he would become my number one priority (this stems from religious beliefs that I really can't get into here but I can PM you if you want) but again, it is just slightly above my priority to be a mother to my daughter who, again, would be grown.
That's very interesting--thanks for responding so honestly. (I think I understand your beliefs, at least roughly, but thanks also for offering the PM.)
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Old 02-11-2013, 05:54 PM   #47
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Originally Posted by TinkerBelled View Post
That's very interesting--thanks for responding so honestly. (I think I understand your beliefs, at least roughly, but thanks also for offering the PM.)
You're welcome. If you have any more questions, let me know.
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Old 02-11-2013, 09:37 PM   #48
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Thank you for all of the replies. Definitely some food for thought. Personally, I've been seeing my new significant other for over a year now, and he still hasn't been introduced as my boyfriend to my kids. I'm not sure when that time will come, but I'm starting to feel like it should be soon.
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Old 02-11-2013, 09:52 PM   #49
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Our first date was taking my son to our small town Mardi Gras parade. It was tons of fun.
I had already explained to him( future husband) that I had a son who was my main priority and that I had a cordial relationship with his father. It made it easier for my son. If he had a problem with that, then we may as well not go on a date because there would be no relationship. He was fine with it. After a bit my ex and new boyfriend became friendly too. That was 33 years ago and we all lived happily ever after. The End
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Old 02-12-2013, 06:32 AM   #50
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Kids should never have their emotions put on the line. Do not drag them into your romance!

When the couple has decided to marry, they should then (and only then) start hanging out with the kids - around the house, on outings, et cetera.

I always feel so badly for children who are hurt by their mom's break-up.

Don't use your boyfriend as a sitter. Don't make him part of the family. Don't let the kids get attached to him in ANY way at all. Not even if you like the idea of all of you together and want to see how he does with your kids. It's mean and cruel.

You date him. Not your kids.

Teens are different. They understand dating. But teens shouldn't be allowed to get attached, either.
I wish my mother had been given this wonderful advice. No need involve the children until marriage is likely. It is just too confusing and painful.
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Old 02-12-2013, 07:36 AM   #51
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I wish my mother had been given this wonderful advice. No need involve the children until marriage is likely. It is just too confusing and painful.
"Hi, we've never met or had a chance to get to know each otehr, but guess what? I'm your new step-dad and I'm going to be living here and be a big part of your life."

Gosh, I sure hope they like each other and get along or else that's gonna be a sticky situation.

Oh and in case anyone is wondering, when DD was little she never met anyone I was dating. She met my current DBF pretty early on though, after a few months I believe. That was almost 5 years ago and we're still together. I can't imagine dating someone for that long and not letting him and my child interact.

OP, I think that after a year it's ok to introduce him to the kids. It will be nice to do things together instead of having 2 seperate lives indefinately.
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Old 02-12-2013, 07:39 AM   #52
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I do agree that parading a different man (or woman) in front of the kids frequently is NOT a good idea!

I did date after my divorce but my dkids only met 2 of the guys I dated (we all went to Sesame Place with one) and the other one, I married. My dds were very young (34 months and 18 months old) and so he is basically the only dad they've ever known.
Thankfully ex is out of the picture completely, and always has been.

To answer, I really feel it depends on the circumstances.
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Old 02-12-2013, 07:52 AM   #53
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"Hi, we've never met or had a chance to get to know each otehr, but guess what? I'm your new step-dad and I'm going to be living here and be a big part of your life."
After reading some of the replies here, that is exactly what I was thinking. How can that be better than allowing your child to develop a relationship with someone who you are dating.
Maybe I give my kids too much credit to be able to understand things, and I guess I give men in general too much credit since I don't assume they are all pedophiles
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Old 02-12-2013, 07:53 AM   #54
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cassandrap83
Thank you for all of the replies. Definitely some food for thought. Personally, I've been seeing my new significant other for over a year now, and he still hasn't been introduced as my boyfriend to my kids. I'm not sure when that time will come, but I'm starting to feel like it should be soon.
I haven't posted much if anything about my divorce in late 2011, however, I started seeing someone last May 2012. Late summer we became exclusive and in October he met my dad and brother's family. Just a few weeks ago he met my boys, we went snow tubing. We agreed our relationship was serious and it was time. I also wanted my boyfriend to see this other side of my life as a mom he had not been exposed to.
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Old 02-12-2013, 10:12 AM   #55
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Originally Posted by wvjules View Post
"Hi, we've never met or had a chance to get to know each otehr, but guess what? I'm your new step-dad and I'm going to be living here and be a big part of your life."

Gosh, I sure hope they like each other and get along or else that's gonna be a sticky situation.

Oh and in case anyone is wondering, when DD was little she never met anyone I was dating. She met my current DBF pretty early on though, after a few months I believe. That was almost 5 years ago and we're still together. I can't imagine dating someone for that long and not letting him and my child interact.

OP, I think that after a year it's ok to introduce him to the kids. It will be nice to do things together instead of having 2 seperate lives indefinately.
STILL blows my mind.

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Originally Posted by luvmy3 View Post
After reading some of the replies here, that is exactly what I was thinking. How can that be better than allowing your child to develop a relationship with someone who you are dating.
Maybe I give my kids too much credit to be able to understand things, and I guess I give men in general too much credit since I don't assume they are all pedophiles


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I haven't posted much if anything about my divorce in late 2011, however, I started seeing someone last May 2012. Late summer we became exclusive and in October he met my dad and brother's family. Just a few weeks ago he met my boys, we went snow tubing. We agreed our relationship was serious and it was time. I also wanted my boyfriend to see this other side of my life as a mom he had not been exposed to.
I just wanted to say that I'm very happy for you.
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Old 02-12-2013, 12:06 PM   #56
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Originally Posted by wvjules View Post
"Hi, we've never met or had a chance to get to know each otehr, but guess what? I'm your new step-dad and I'm going to be living here and be a big part of your life."

Gosh, I sure hope they like each other and get along or else that's gonna be a sticky situation.

Oh and in case anyone is wondering, when DD was little she never met anyone I was dating. She met my current DBF pretty early on though, after a few months I believe. That was almost 5 years ago and we're still together. I can't imagine dating someone for that long and not letting him and my child interact.

OP, I think that after a year it's ok to introduce him to the kids. It will be nice to do things together instead of having 2 seperate lives indefinately.
Seriously? I didn't say they had get married the day after he meets the kids. It just has to be a serious marriage minded relationship, NOT new guys in and out every few months.
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Old 02-12-2013, 01:23 PM   #57
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Originally Posted by wvjules View Post
"Hi, we've never met or had a chance to get to know each otehr, but guess what? I'm your new step-dad and I'm going to be living here and be a big part of your life."

Gosh, I sure hope they like each other and get along or else that's gonna be a sticky situation.
Well I can only speak for myself but if, after they met, the kids and the fiancé didn't get along and develop a fabulous relationship over a nice long period of time and WELL before the fiance moved into our home then the marriage would be called off.
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Old 02-12-2013, 08:14 PM   #58
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I'm still dumbfounded by this thread. Don't ever have another romantic relationship because that might give people access to your kids?? Huh?


And to think a single woman (or man but since mothers usually have primary custody) should 100% put her life on hold and focus ONLY on her children is .... sad. I should be a spinster or wait another 13 years till my last child is out of the house to date or be involved with anyone? Because my ex decided that he wanted a girlfriend and I had the guts to leave? Frankly, I'm slightly insulted by the thought. As if being a single parent wasn't hard enough.
My parents split when I was 3 (my siblings were 5, 16, and 17). My parents were both 36 at the time of divorce, and they'd been married for 17 years.My father was a hard-drinker who wasn't much of a husband. I only have one memory of them being married.

After the split, my dad cleaned up and became Mr. Eligible Bachelor. I hated it. Every single mother, every store clerk, every mother in the neighborhood batting eyes at him. He had lots of 2-3 date girlfriends, lots of 3-4 month girlfriends, and two 10 year+ committed girlfriends. I was a kid and I hated it. I was more embarassed of him bathing in Old Spice cologne than I was invested in his happiness. Plus, one of his common-law "wives" had her own children and hated us and made our lives miserable every time my father was gone.

My mother, single at the age of 37, never dated even once after that. I was always so grateful for that. Will all of the chaos around me, siblings changing homes, moving, changing schools......I was so grateful that she was my rock. She had a very full life; tons of friends, volunteer work, world-wide travel, two post-graduate degrees, and an incredible career. On top of it all, she and I have a wonderfully deep relationship.

I hope that if something (God forbid) ever happens to my husband, I'll be strong enough to stay single. I want to be a rock of constancy for my kids. Again, just my opinion, and I know about how much people care about opinions around here.....
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Old 02-13-2013, 12:29 AM   #59
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For me personally, if my DH and I were to divorce now, (or if he were to pass away), I would focus on raising my DD and my career, and save dating for a later season of life.

DH and I talked about this once. We both promised that if something happened to the other, we'd wait until DD was 18 to start looking for another partner. We both felt strongly about that.

That just us, though!
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Old 02-13-2013, 08:01 AM   #60
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My parents split when I was 3 (my siblings were 5, 16, and 17). My parents were both 36 at the time of divorce, and they'd been married for 17 years.My father was a hard-drinker who wasn't much of a husband. I only have one memory of them being married.

After the split, my dad cleaned up and became Mr. Eligible Bachelor. I hated it. Every single mother, every store clerk, every mother in the neighborhood batting eyes at him. He had lots of 2-3 date girlfriends, lots of 3-4 month girlfriends, and two 10 year+ committed girlfriends. I was a kid and I hated it. I was more embarassed of him bathing in Old Spice cologne than I was invested in his happiness. Plus, one of his common-law "wives" had her own children and hated us and made our lives miserable every time my father was gone.

My mother, single at the age of 37, never dated even once after that. I was always so grateful for that. Will all of the chaos around me, siblings changing homes, moving, changing schools......I was so grateful that she was my rock. She had a very full life; tons of friends, volunteer work, world-wide travel, two post-graduate degrees, and an incredible career. On top of it all, she and I have a wonderfully deep relationship.

I hope that if something (God forbid) ever happens to my husband, I'll be strong enough to stay single. I want to be a rock of constancy for my kids. Again, just my opinion, and I know about how much people care about opinions around here.....
You do realize there is a middle ground between the two situations? There shouldn't be a revolving door of girl/boyfriends, however, I don't see anything wrong with introducing kids to a stable, long-time partner.
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