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Old 02-10-2013, 11:14 PM   #16
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My son's best friend has a mom who is a serial 'girlfriend.' She dates guys for 3-4 months and the men are hanging out at her house, repairing things for her, acting as members of the family. Then, they leave. The boys are embarrassed and troubled each time some man leaves their mother and them. She knows but is lonely. I really like her but I think she sacrifices her relationship with her sons for temporary companionship. I told her to get a dog.
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Old 02-10-2013, 11:18 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by shortbun
My son's best friend has a mom who is a serial 'girlfriend.' She dates guys for 3-4 months and the men are hanging out at her house, repairing things for her, acting as members of the family. Then, they leave. The boys are embarrassed and troubled each time some man leaves their mother and them. She knows but is lonely. I really like her but I think she sacrifices her relationship with her sons for temporary companionship. I told her to get a dog.
Ok the get a dog line is great!!
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Old 02-10-2013, 11:23 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by shortbun View Post
My son's best friend has a mom who is a serial 'girlfriend.' She dates guys for 3-4 months and the men are hanging out at her house, repairing things for her, acting as members of the family. Then, they leave. The boys are embarrassed and troubled each time some man leaves their mother and them. She knows but is lonely. I really like her but I think she sacrifices her relationship with her sons for temporary companionship. I told her to get a dog.
I believe this is different than what those of us who encourage meeting the kids had in mind. If you know that your typical boyfriend doesn't last past 3 or 4 months then don't bring him around the kids that is hard on them. However if you are seeing a guy for 6 months then most certainly let him meet the kids and maybe do a "kids" date by going to a movie or something.

I think at the end of the day every parent will know what is best for them and hopefully act that way. If they don't then they need to reexamine what they are doing and hopefully have good friends like you who call them out on their destructive behavior.
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Old 02-10-2013, 11:24 PM   #19
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What exactly do you mean by getting envolved in relationships? I believe most of us are talking about letting the kids meet the person maybe have a few hang outs or even dates where the kids get to go along. It isn't anything like letting them call him/her daddy/mommy or letting him/her babysit or have the kids for overnight.

My parents were divorced when I was very young and so I met a lot of my dad's "girlfriends" several right off the bat and I never got attached or my heart hurt. It showed me more about my dad then about these other people or relationships. Even when I was little I didn't put much effort into my fathers relationships since I knew they never lasted long. Now on the other hand my mother never brought anyone around so as I got older and she didn't remarry I was always worried about her emotionally since I knew for adults relationships were important and my brothers and I had no clue if she was seeing anyone.

Also you keep acting like marriage is the end of it and the new person can't go away after marriage. Sadly the new person can and the kids already know that since their parents are divorced in the first place.
Agreed as a divorced woman who's parents were divorced. Same thing. Met several of my dad's girlfriends over the years. I was never so attached to them that when they broke up my heart was hurt. I can name 7-8. We went to lunch, play date type things if they had kids, activities on occasion, nothing more.

I haven't introduced my kids to any boyfriends yet but my kids meet my friends so why, after a few months of dating, wouldn't they meet? I've had female friends & neighbors we socialized with who have faded in & out of our lives. My kids have never been heartbroken. No one is saying to play instant family.

My mom dated someone long term when I was growing up, maybe 10 years. They never married. I'd be ticked if my mom was w/someone for 10 years who I never met!

I doubt that I'll ever remarry. So my kids should never meet anyone I'm in a relationship with? That's crazy.
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Old 02-10-2013, 11:25 PM   #20
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I know I can't say for sure unless I were in this situation. But I am fairly certain that I wouldn't even go there in the first place. That is, I would not introduce anyone into my children's lives as long as they were minors and lived with me at home. I couldn't let a man who was not their father have that kind of access to them.

I was probably a nun in another life.
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Old 02-11-2013, 07:04 AM   #21
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I have to agree with Kali here. Dating as a single parent is very tricky. Dating is never drama-free and anyone who says differently is selling something. Kids do not deserve to be thrust into that drama. They have already had their lives disrupted by the divorce. They are working to put things back together and get a sense of normalcy. Disrupting that by introducing them to a boyfriend, letting them get attached, and then the relationship not working out is never a good thing. Your primary responsibility should be to your children, in my opinion, and not to finding a mate. As such, your priorities need to be making sure that they are the most comfortable, the least disturbed, and in a position least likely to disrupt their lives further. Make sure that your relationship is permanent before bringing your children into it.
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Old 02-11-2013, 07:24 AM   #22
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Man that is a hard question...

I don't think there is a blanket answer here. I would use time and patience and let my kids guide me a bit.

I have plenty of examples in real life here and let me tell you some of them are scary. Young mothers living with baby daddy's.

If I had YOUNG children, like 12 and under, I would probably not be introducing anyone to them unless it was serious. That is just my personal thing.
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Old 02-11-2013, 08:07 AM   #23
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I think it really depends on many things. I definitely don't feel that children should be kept from developing a relationship with a parents SO though.
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Old 02-11-2013, 08:26 AM   #24
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I have to agree with Kali here. Dating as a single parent is very tricky. Dating is never drama-free and anyone who says differently is selling something. Kids do not deserve to be thrust into that drama. They have already had their lives disrupted by the divorce. They are working to put things back together and get a sense of normalcy. Disrupting that by introducing them to a boyfriend, letting them get attached, and then the relationship not working out is never a good thing. Your primary responsibility should be to your children, in my opinion, and not to finding a mate. As such, your priorities need to be making sure that they are the most comfortable, the least disturbed, and in a position least likely to disrupt their lives further. Make sure that your relationship is permanent before bringing your children into it.
This makes total sense.
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Old 02-11-2013, 11:40 AM   #25
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Your primary responsibility should be to your children, in my opinion, and not to finding a mate.
This is my view, too. I cannot relate to the notion that finding a mate or an SO or falling in love or whatever is something that just happens to you. We have the gift of free will.

If I were a single parent and I made the CHOICE to involve myself romantically with someone and then made the CHOICE to give that person access to my children then I hope I would at a minimum take ownership for that choice and any potential fallout from it.

I am not specifically calling out anyone in this thread or on this board. I am referencing people in my own life.
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Old 02-11-2013, 12:00 PM   #26
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I was a single mom for 10 years. My boys were babies when I left my ex. I dated lots over those 10 years, and my boys met the serious ones only. If the man I was dating was going to become an actual boyfriend, and not a "date", then they would meet my kids. If my kids didn't like the guy, or the guy didn't like the kids, the guy was toast. There was no way I was going to wait until I got married (which I had no plan on doing ever again ). So in total my boys met and hung out with four guys that I dated.

I will say that the first guy I dated, kinda pushed it and really wanted to meet the kids and do family things (boys were in nursery school then while I was in college). This guy really wanted a family, in the long run he kinda pushed too hard and really creeped me out. LOL..I don't even think my boys remember him.

My boys really had no issues when I broke up with a guy. They were more worried that I was upset when one relationship ended. I kinda hoped that would train them how to treat a women...lol.
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Old 02-11-2013, 12:15 PM   #27
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I know I can't say for sure unless I were in this situation. But I am fairly certain that I wouldn't even go there in the first place. That is, I would not introduce anyone into my children's lives as long as they were minors and lived with me at home. I couldn't let a man who was not their father have that kind of access to them.

I was probably a nun in another life.
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Old 02-11-2013, 12:18 PM   #28
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This is my view, too. I cannot relate to the notion that finding a mate or an SO or falling in love or whatever is something that just happens to you. We have the gift of free will.

If I were a single parent and I made the CHOICE to involve myself romantically with someone and then made the CHOICE to give that person access to my children then I hope I would at a minimum take ownership for that choice and any potential fallout from it.

I am not specifically calling out anyone in this thread or on this board. I am referencing people in my own life.
I don't understand this. The parent's job is to ONLY be a parent if they are single? Shouldn't that standard apply to married parents as well? No date nights? No time alone with the spouse? Totally dedicated to childrearing and nothing else? Sounds like an awesome life.

And what do you mean by fallout by giving someone access to your children?
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Old 02-11-2013, 12:22 PM   #29
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This thread is an interesting read to me. My SIL recently went to meet a man she met on FB (they both shared a mutual friend) for the first time, and she spent the weekend with him. She brought her 8 year old son with her. DH and I couldn't believe it when she told us what she was doing, and tried to persuade her to at least leave her son out of it just yet, but she insisted that before she 'wastes time' on a man she has to make sure they get along with her son, and vice versa. I don't have kids and can't really put myself in her situation, so I never pressed the issue more. So I appreciate reading the viewpoints in this thread.
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Old 02-11-2013, 12:32 PM   #30
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I don't understand this. The parent's job is to ONLY be a parent if they are single? Shouldn't that standard apply to married parents as well? No date nights? No time alone with the spouse? Totally dedicated to childrearing and nothing else? Sounds like an awesome life.

And what do you mean by fallout by giving someone access to your children?
You weren't responding to me, but I'll expand on my comment about how a single parent needs to put their child first.

It is my opinion (and only that) that my number one job right now is to be a good wife to my husband. Just slightly below that is my job to be a good mother to my child. Those two things go hand-in-hand, though. Part of being a good mother is loving my daughter's father. Part of being a good wife is loving my husband's daughter. Through my relationship with my husband, my daughter will see how a man should treat a woman and what a loving relationship should look like. Jointly, my husband and I raise our daughter to be strong and independent. If something were to happen and my husband were to no longer be in the picture, it is a disruption to my daughter's life, to say the least. She is used to having my husband there everyday having dinner with us, taking her to the park, going swimming together, and all sorts of other family activities. If he was no longer there, that is a huge adjustment for her and as her mother, it is my responsibility to try and keep her life as stable as possible. For me, that means not going out and trying to find a new man for me and hoping that he gets along with her, will be able to fit into her life, and won't end up breaking up with us and further disrupting her life. This is very different from going out with my husband and leaving my daughter with a relative or family friend. Her father is in her life and in mine. He is not going anywhere. You have no such commitment (and should not expect to) from a man you are just dating.
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