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Old 02-08-2013, 10:53 PM   #106
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Originally Posted by luvsJack

Heavens no. Nothing even remotly like backyard wrestling. Have you ever watched Wwe? Very similar and there are families everywhere. Most of these folks that are working are like family and help watch the kids. They don't see his match. We used to go all the time. I would speak up if there was any problem with it. The only reason they don't see his matches is because he is a "bad guy " and having a smiling face yelling "I love you daddy" sort of throws off the effect.

I asked how she may feel not for everyones opinions of his job and how much he is home.

She is mad because he cannot guarantee to be home that weekend and I can't be there. Wrestling has nothing to do with that. He has already told the promoters he won't be there that weekend.
She probably feels trapped and took it out on you. It has to be frustrating for everyone involved.
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Old 02-08-2013, 10:53 PM   #107
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Originally Posted by luvsJack View Post
Heavens no. Nothing even remotly like backyard wrestling. Have you ever watched Wwe? Very similar and there are families everywhere. Most of these folks that are working are like family and help watch the kids. They don't see his match. We used to go all the time. I would speak up if there was any problem with it. The only reason they don't see his matches is because he is a "bad guy " and having a smiling face yelling "I love you daddy" sort of throws off the effect.

I asked how she may feel not for everyones opinions of his job and how much he is home.

She is mad because he cannot guarantee to be home that weekend and I can't be there. Wrestling has nothing to do with that. He has already told the promoters he won't be there that weekend.

Well...how many weekends has he missed wrestling to take care of the girls? 1? none? several? She wants to get away for a weekend, why can't he take responsibilty for the girls for a full weekend once or twice a month? She deserves to do something she wants to do too, doesn't she? He needs to commit to at least one full weekend a month to give her a full weekend. Regardless of whether he needs to pay for a sitter to watch them occassionally.
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Old 02-08-2013, 10:55 PM   #108
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Originally Posted by LuvsDragonflies

Well...how many weekends has he missed wrestling to take care of the girls? 1? none? several? She wants to get away for a weekend, why can't he take responsibilty for the girls for a full weekend once or twice a month? She deserves to do something she wants to do too, doesn't she? He needs to commit to at least one full weekend a month to give her a full weekend. Regardless of whether he needs to pay for a sitter to watch them occassionally.
It sounds like the FT job is the problem that weekend, not wrestling. The FT job is dependent on the weather.
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Old 02-08-2013, 10:58 PM   #109
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yep! AND, he needs to stop the wrestling. 1. It's taking him away from his responsibility as a parent. 2. you said it's making him money...big deal, he's got to parent sometimes. One day a week isn't doing that. I agree, you should stay out of it but you need to warn him that he's going to lose his girls. If I were his wife, I'd be documenting every single thing so I had a case for full custody and very limited visitation. That way, she'll know exactly what she's dealing with. It seems like HE wants a divorce to me. Actions speak louder than words. Again, THIS is why she left. She's giving him a chance to show he cares and he's blowing it totally!
Really??

I am honestly shocked that anyone would think that the ONLY person in a family of four who is bringing in a paycheck should quit a job so he can spend an extra two hours with his kids.
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Old 02-08-2013, 10:58 PM   #110
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Where am I wrong in this situation?

DS and DIL are separated. She moved out and moved in with her mom.

Right after she moved out, ds got a really fantastic job out of town. He is gone Mon-Fri, unless they have a rain-out and then he is gone Sat. too. He has an apartment in the town with his work, stays with me on the weekends so that he can see his dds.

Since he started the new job, he has worked every Saturday and one Sunday.

The first two weekends, I would meet her and get the girls on Friday nights so that they would be at my house when he got home. I can't do that now because dd has Show Choir competitions every weekend. The girls are too young to spend the day at a competition. I told dil that this was coming and that ds would get the girls when he got home. She got mad at me and acted like I don't want to see the girls. Which is not true at all.

Yesterday she texted me and I asked if "wanted" the girls. Of course I want them! But, dd has a competition Saturday and we won't be home until late. So I told her that she and ds would have to work out him picking them up Saturday night. (it worked out that he doesn't have to work Saturday so he is getting them now actually).

Then she sends another text that she is going out of state over the weekend in about 3 weeks and one of us would need to keep the girls. And that she told ds he needed to be in town as much as possible. She is going to a concert.

DS has all intentions of having the girls, so no real problem except I told her that IF he has to work that Saturday, I wouldn't be able to watch them due to another competition so she may need to have a back up just in case. So, now she is mad again.

Show choir season is only for 2-3 months and this just happens to be that time of year. I would keep the girls any other time, just not on days with competitions.

She is mad because ds might have to work and she is mad because I can't keep them if he does. DS told her that he cannot call in at work--it would be risking his job. So, I really don't know what she wants us to do.

Every moment he is off from work, he is with his daughters, except for a couple of hours on Saturday night when he goes to his wrestling show. He picks them up after or she brings them to him. He told her that he would let the promotion know that he wouldn't be there the weekend of the concert but that doesn't seem to be enough. I told her that its possible that if she can get her mom or dad to keep them, I would pick them up after the competition but I can't guarantee a time because it all depends on how the choir does. Not good enough.

So, I have basically said nothing else to her and let her stew. I can't change anything. But, then I wondered, is there something I am not seeing?
Okay, I went back to your OP, to clarify. You said every week since he started this job, be has worked Saturday and 1 Sunday. Meaning that he has only seen his kids Saturday night and Sunday during the day. You also said that he goes to wrestling for "a couple hours" Saturday night, and that he gets them after. SO he doesn't see them Friday, all day Saturday, and most of Saturday evening.

YOU are telling her to find alternate plans. First, since he is supposed to have the kids on the weekends, you should be telling HIM to find alternate plans. YOU are telling her to have her parents watch them, and that YOU will pick them up when you are able.

Again, her parents may not want to watch them or may not be available, and it shouldn't be YOU communicating anything. If she asks you to babysit and you are unavailable, tell her just that. "Sorry, I can't" Your son needs to be making visitation agreements with her. Not you. You are overly involved. You needs to back out of the situation and let them deal with it. You are babysitting, they are not your kids. Your son is not. They are his responsibility. He needs to do whatever he needs to do to make sure his children have adequate housing and child care during the times he is unable to care for them. He needs to hire a sitter, commute, whatever, but he needs to find someone. Of course, he will probably have to pay them.
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Old 02-08-2013, 10:59 PM   #111
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If jobs are hard to come by in that area, I bet there are people who would jump at the chance to babysit for a few hours on weekends when DS has to work. Could be a win-win for everyone. DIL gets a break, DS gets to see daughters right when he gets home instead of doing a baby swap.
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Old 02-08-2013, 11:06 PM   #112
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Originally Posted by StitchesGr8Fan View Post
If jobs are hard to come by in that area, I bet there are people who would jump at the chance to babysit for a few hours on weekends when DS has to work. Could be a win-win for everyone. DIL gets a break, DS gets to see daughters right when he gets home instead of doing a baby swap.
Very true. I am sure there are more than a few teenagers that would like to make some pocket money.

How does she feel? Overwhelmed and taken advantage of. She asks for what equates to 2 days a week, and he doesn't come through. She gives him 3 weeks notice about a weekend where he needs to follow through with his responsibility and is getting another excuse.

She is frustrated, and disappointed, and angry. She is going through a a lot of changes herself. She is adjusting to being a single parent. She is facing all the emotions that come when your marriage fails. She is angry, depressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, and sad. She is asking her children's father to share the responsibility of parenting and make the same sacrifice she has made for their kids, and she is getting an excuse.

...and she is nicer than me, because we would have been in court by now.
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Old 02-08-2013, 11:12 PM   #113
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Originally Posted by badblackpug View Post
Very true. I am sure there are more than a few teenagers that would like to make some pocket money.

How does she feel? Overwhelmed and taken advantage of. She asks for what equates to 2 days a week, and he doesn't come through. She gives him 3 weeks notice about a weekend where he needs to follow through with his responsibility and is getting another excuse.

She is frustrated, and disappointed, and angry. She is going through a a lot of changes herself. She is adjusting to being a single parent. She is facing all the emotions that come when your marriage fails. She is angry, depressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, and sad. She is asking her children's father to share the responsibility of parenting and make the same sacrifice she has made for their kids, and she is getting an excuse.

...and she is nicer than me, because we would have been in court by now.
Best response on this thread.
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Old 02-08-2013, 11:15 PM   #114
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Originally Posted by luvsJack View Post
Heavens no. Nothing even remotly like backyard wrestling. Have you ever watched Wwe? Very similar and there are families everywhere. Most of these folks that are working are like family and help watch the kids. They don't see his match. We used to go all the time. I would speak up if there was any problem with it. The only reason they don't see his matches is because he is a "bad guy " and having a smiling face yelling "I love you daddy" sort of throws off the effect.

I asked how she may feel not for everyones opinions of his job and how much he is home.

She is mad because he cannot guarantee to be home that weekend and I can't be there. Wrestling has nothing to do with that. He has already told the promoters he won't be there that weekend.
And you're mad because she has the audacity to expect the father of her children to make them a priority in his life. She is giving him 3 weeks' notice and that's not good enough but he obviously cancels at the last minute frequently. And I believe you mentioned somewhere that she does not have a vehicle yet has brought the girls to him on one occasion for his convenience. I can see why she wants out of the marriage.
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Old 02-08-2013, 11:16 PM   #115
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It sounds like the FT job is the problem that weekend, not wrestling. The FT job is dependent on the weather.
The problem is he is supposed to have the kids on the weekend, not the portions he chooses to have them, or the portions his work schedule permits. They need to work a schedule out that allows her to plan things she wants to do just like he plans to take those wrestling hours every weekend. He shouldn't be denied a guilty pleasure for his work of the week, neither should she. They are his kids too, so he should make sure he has set plans for their care on his watch and not let the mommies take care of things for him. He's big enough to make the babies, he's big enough to take care of things once a month or so.
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Old 02-08-2013, 11:28 PM   #116
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And you're mad because she has the audacity to expect the father of her children to make them a priority in his life. She is giving him 3 weeks' notice and that's not good enough but he obviously cancels at the last minute frequently. And I believe you mentioned somewhere that she does not have a vehicle yet has brought the girls to him on one occasion for his convenience. I can see why she wants out of the marriage.
It's wierd, but fairly few of you see that he is working to provide for her and the kids. She has ample support from both families (which is pretty rare in this day and age). I understand her wanting to have some free time, but thanks to him working, she has enough money to spend a weekend at a concert, not have to work herself to put food on the table. Considering how many dead beat dads there are out there, I have a tendency to give credit where credit is due here.

The son needs to make some changes for sure, but maybe a lot of you don't want to see what he IS doing, you just see what he ISN'T doing.
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Old 02-09-2013, 12:29 AM   #117
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He needs to find a secondary back up for when he is working. I don't think having Grandma as primary back up is a bad thing per se. However, the onus needs to be on the dad to make arrangements.

If the mom is accustomed to the girls being with dad or Grandma on the weekends, then that's what she expects. I don't think it's unreasonable. Giving dad 3 weeks notice that she is going away for a weekend seems like ample time for him to come up with Plan B.
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Old 02-09-2013, 02:15 AM   #118
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You specifically asked for people to tell you how she feels so that you can understand. After over 100 posts of people telling you how she might feel you still defend your son so I'm getting you are choosing NOT to understand.

He is a parent to those kids. Yes, he is providing money but if his job is so "fantastic" and making such good money I am sure he can afford a little apartment by himself where HIS KIDS would be welcome, nor should he need to supplement his income with wrestling during the brief window he should be with them. (And someone babysitting them in the back of the arena or whereever does not count as him spending time with them.) Sounds more like something he wants to do, rather than needs to do.

You are obviously extremely biased toward your son. It sounds to me like he needs a grow up a bit. Not that he's a bad person or anything, but just needs to grow up a bit.
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Old 02-09-2013, 03:55 AM   #119
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Really??

I am honestly shocked that anyone would think that the ONLY person in a family of four who is bringing in a paycheck should quit a job so he can spend an extra two hours with his kids.
Yeah, really. It's wrestling for two hours and it keeps him from his children for the entire night. I'm not suggesting that his job out of town be sacrificed, just the Big Time Wrestling job that his mother first described as some sort of hobby. It was only after lots of criticism that she said he made money doing it. Hmmm. She would defend him in any scenario and still doesn't see how this could be damaging to his hanging by a thread marriage, his relationship with his daughters or his rights as a parent. Yeah, quit the wrestling. It's worthless and questionable. He lost his right to wrestle when he moved out of town leaving his wife alone with his children-no car, no money, no help.
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Old 02-09-2013, 04:03 AM   #120
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Funny how taking care of kids actually involves more than having a job.
As a Mom I get why you are defending your son, but your question of tell me how she feels is pretty simple. She feels like he is seeing his daughters only when it is convenient for him. Kids don't work like that. They need care 24/7.

I think you need to support your son in hammering out some kind of custody arrangement that is in the best interest of the girls.




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There is no agreement, no custody, no visitation agreement.


He does have them every possible moment he can in a given week (except for those couple of hours). He has driven home on the days he is rained out and spent the day with them.

I am afraid they are trying to "work together" on everything as much as possible and this is where they are beginning to see the need for some arrangements. Normally, they each will say that she has the kids unless he is home from work and then he will have them (their version of an arrangement ). But, that's just not going to work.

He is going to have to have something set in writing. One weekend he didn't see as much of their older child because she wanted to do something special with her. The child needs "mama" time without her little sister, but ds was really disappointed in not seeing her.

And I know, I shouldn't be in the middle of it. I was trying to help her and him by picking them up on Friday when he is not home but just can't do it again for a couple of months.

Just to note: It has nothing to do with what is convenient for him. He is working. He can't take off and doesn't have anyone up there that can keep his kids. He lives in a small apartment building that is housing to a bunch of construction guys--not an environment for two little girls. That's why he stays at my house on the weekends. If he has to work on Saturday, he could be fired for taking the day off even if it is to see his kids.
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