Ok, Tell Me How She Feels So That I Can Understand

[sunshinehighway]

Originally Posted by luv2sleep

I did. The gist of the responses is that he needs to be responsible, take care of his kids more and the mom needs and deserves a break. Same ole same ole. I hear this complaint all of the time even from people who aren't separated. The grandma though is being taken advantage of. I don't care what their 'agreement' is. They had these kids, one of them decided to leave, and now they need to work this out amongst themselves. Hire someone or swap time or whatever. Why should either one burden the grandmother? I have a child and if they wanted me to help I would but to expect it is wrong.

I think they both need to stop complaining and just make whatever arrangements they need to. BOTH of them. If she wants to go to a concert that bad and he's being a deadbeat then she needs to hire a sitter. She can't make him be a great parent and will go crazy trying to. So I would set up an alternate childcare arrangement, buy my tickets and hope the dad comes through. If he doesn't I'm still going. I don't get the complaining and going on about it. Deal with it, make a plan and move on. If he won't take his kids every weekend take him to court or mediation and get a formal agreement. You don't have to be going through a divorce to do that.

The father is the one that needs to make arrangements. The mother probably feels like she can't make a plan and move on because she's waiting on the father to know what he is going to do. I doubt it'd go over very well if she gets a sitter and then the father decides he can take the kids. If that happened the complaint would probably be the mother is keeping the kids from their father.
I don't think the grandmother should be in the middle. Its really the parents that need to sort it out. I wonder if the girls' mother is going through the grandmother because she or her son puts her in the position as the one to be in charge on the weekend.

[luv2sleep]

Originally Posted by Buckalew11

As far as luv2sleep...your situation is totally different. When the father walks out and gives up rights, as a mom you either take over or not. Good for you for stepping up and being a good mom. Yes, it is wonderful that these little girls have the OP, the DIL's family and anyone else who loves and spends time with these kids--but that does not make it OK for the father to come around only when it is convenient for him. So much damage is done when a father or mother does this to a child.

Nope it doesn't but a person cant make another person do something. He will do what he wants when he wants to. Hopefully that means spending as much time as possible with his kids. She can't make him though and honestly if he didn't want to spend time with my child I'd prefer to keep him with me and make my own arrangements.

I went through hell but I had to just deal and move on. I don't get is the constant bashing and complaining. If the mom expects him to follow their agreement and the dad isn't doing what he said he would then make another plan or get a court order. Move on. Deal. Take care of it. Do what you have to do. Sure he should get a sitter if it's his time. What if he doesn't though and outright refuses? Again, you can't make people do things or some of you have had much nicer ex husbands than I did! That's why I said to make an alternate arrangement and use it IF he doesn't come through. Not keep the kids from him.

Separation or divorce is usually a negative experience for everyone. Especially the kids. Best thing is to try to make their world as drama free as possible.

[ampc3]

"Heavens no. Nothing even remotly like backyard wrestling. Have you ever watched Wwe? Very similar and there are families everywhere. Most of these folks that are working are like family and help watch the kids. They don't see his match. We used to go all the time. I would speak up if there was any problem with it. The only reason they don't see his matches is because he is a "bad guy " and having a smiling face yelling "I love you daddy" sort of throws off the effect.

I asked how she may feel not for everyones opinions of his job and how much he is home."


You really can't answer one with out the other....

maybe he could ask someone from this wrestling community to watch his girls that weekend of the concert since you mentioned they are like "family"?

[LisaR]

Originally Posted by StitchesGr8Fan

Maybe the girls do like to go wrestling if it is a fun family environment. If he truly spends his time there with them, not mingling with the other adults, then maybe he is getting paid for family time.

My concern with the wrestling is that he could get hurt. Yes it pays, but does it pay enough or have insurance that would cover wages for his FT job if he can't work there as a result of injuries. Many former wrestlers have said it is tough on the body and they have lots of injuries. It sounds like he works construction during the week and that is very physical too. It would be awful if he lost a good FT job with benefits for a couple hundred dollars won in a match.

So now the definition of family time is that the parent must give 110% of their attention to their child?? All those choir concerts, tae kwon do tournaments, and swim meets we went to with our kids don't count as family time because DH and I mingled with other adults and didn't focus exclusively on our children. Perfect parenting 101 as defined by the Dis.

[deserrai]

Former single mom here...I raised my 18 year old daughter on my own. Try to look at it this way, what would he do if he had sole responsibility for the kids? What if the mom was not around? How would he handle it then? Single mothers do not have the option to take a job or have any other situation in their life that does not allow them to care for their children. It was always very frustrating for her father to say he couldn't take care of her or he couldn't help financially or whatever because I didn't have the option to not be able to. I just had to make it happen. There is a difference in that I never depended on him for support; I always supported my child myself. I am not saying what your son should or shouldn't do. I'm just responding to your original question which was, I think, to help you see the situation from her point of view.

[hellow]

Originally Posted by LisaR

The ENTIRE night?? Where did you get that from? It is two hours and his kids are usually there.



I don't think a single person on this thread hasn't said that the son needs to step up. Absolutely nobody is nominating him for "father of the year." Everyone acknowledges that HE needs to take responsibility. However, some of us aren't ready to completely vilify him and award him with "horrible father of the year." Essentially, the guy sees his kids Saturday night and Sunday. He is working to provide for his family. He is seeing his kids way more than some scumbag fathers out there. Is it ideal? No. Should he work harder to see his kids more often? Yes! But good grief, the Dis is one extreme or the other and there is never any in between. He is a newly separated dad who needs to figure out how to make this work NOW. Grandma needs to let him handle it and he needs to be the one to communicate with his ex. But I think it is a little too soon to take him down to Times Square and have a public flogging.

I agree 100%. Well thought out and looked at through no "goggles" of any sort. My friend lived in a well-to-do neighborhood, where all the moms were able to stay home and had everything they wanted. All they did was complain about how their husbands were never home to help with the kids. This sounds like the attitude of many on this thread. She called it the desperate housewife neighborhood and moved out as soon as she could.

[Skywalker]

Originally Posted by LisaR

So now the definition of family time is that the parent must give 110% of their attention to their child?? All those choir concerts, tae kwon do tournaments, and swim meets we went to with our kids don't count as family time because DH and I mingled with other adults and didn't focus exclusively on our children. Perfect parenting 101 as defined by the Dis.

Personally I think this situation is different because this is the ONLY time he has with his kids. In your case, I'm sure there are other moments in the week you interact with your kids.

[Granny square]

Wow, so a dad is just a paycheck and Saturday afternoon play date. Wow.

I am so not teaching my sons this.

[hellow]

Originally Posted by luv2sleep

I went through hell but I had to just deal and move on. I don't get is the constant bashing and complaining. If the mom expects him to follow their agreement and the dad isn't doing what he said he would then make another plan or get a court order. Move on. Deal. Take care of it. Do what you have to do. Sure he should get a sitter if it's his time. What if he doesn't though and outright refuses? Again, you can't make people do things or some of you have had much nicer ex husbands than I did! That's why I said to make an alternate arrangement and use it IF he doesn't come through. Not keep the kids from him.

Separation or divorce is usually a negative experience for everyone. Especially the kids. Best thing is to try to make their world as drama free as possible.

[hellow]

Originally Posted by Granny square

Wow, so a dad is just a paycheck and Saturday afternoon play date. Wow.

I am so not teaching my sons this.

Once again, an example of one extreme or another, no middle ground in discussion. I don't think any post on here came close to what you say above.

[Nancyg56]

Originally Posted by Skywalker

Personally I think this situation is different because this is the ONLY time he has with his kids. In your case, I'm sure there are other moments in the week you interact with your kids.

I agree. He is away all week long and many times on at least one weekend day. I believe that adults need to have time away from the kids but this man is away from his for the vast majority of the week.

I don't hate men but I also think that men are more than "paychecks". The poster made a great point.

I don't have a dog in this race, this guy is not my son, but I really think he is not helping his future cause. His Mom is not either, except to show that she is an involved grandparent, which is important for the girls.

[mjkacmom]

Originally Posted by hellow

I agree 100%. Well thought out and looked at through no "goggles" of any sort. My friend lived in a well-to-do neighborhood, where all the moms were able to stay home and had everything they wanted. All they did was complain about how their husbands were never home to help with the kids. This sounds like the attitude of many on this thread. She called it the desperate housewife neighborhood and moved out as soon as she could.

What the heck does this have to do with this situation? The sil got pregnant, they moved in with his mom, she had another kid, things didn't work out, she had to move back with her mother and has the kids 95% of the time. Sure doesn't sound like a fantasy life for me! I'd be very upset if my dd ended up with a man like this

Her biggest mistake was lack of birth control. She can't be the brightest woman on earth, either.

[hellow]

It has to do with the extreme negative attitudes of some of the posters here.

[Granny square]

Originally Posted by mjkacmom

What the heck does this have to do with this situation? The sil got pregnant, they moved in with his mom, she had another kid, things didn't work out, she had to move back with her mother and has the kids 95% of the time. Sure doesn't sound like a fantasy life for me! I'd be very upset if my dd ended up with a man like this

Her biggest mistake was lack of birth control. She can't be the brightest woman on earth, either.

Unfortunately I agree. It can't be changed now, but it took 2 to make them. They both need to be responsible for them.

I do feel bad for the op. she is trying to help and to watch out for the grand daughters. But in the end she needs to step back and stop making life so easy for her son. He isn't having to do any of the endurance parenting. Those girls need him. I hope he finds his big boy boxers and figures out they need to come before his hobby.

[Poohs Pal]

Originally Posted by sam_gordon

She thinks there are times he is supposed to be responsible for the girls. However, you're telling her that if he's not available and you're not available, then SHE has to find other arrangements.

Sorry, I agree with her. If your DS wants the kids every weekend, then HE makes arrangements to take care of them. Whether that's you or someone else, HE'S responsible.

IMO, you shouldn't be talking to her. Let DS make the arrangments, even if it's "My mom will be picking them up."

Just my opinion.

As agrandmother myself I totally agree with this post. O.P sounds like a good grandma but really should expect your son to take responsilbility for his children. The mom has a life also.