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Old 02-09-2013, 10:02 AM   #151
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Originally Posted by luv2sleep View Post
I only read this post but I've got to say she's a piece of work and has some nerve. I'm a solo, 100% of the time parent with no family help. I PAY a sitter every time I need to be away from home. Which is maybe for 2 hours a week so I can run errands sans child (hair appt, dentist, etc).. I can't imagine treating a loving grandmother this way. And asking your son to skip work so she can go to a concert? And why does she need to pawn them off on Saturdays anyway? That are HER children? I'm going to read the thread now but wanted to chime in. Bless you for being such a wonderful mom and grandmother! I WISH we had that!
Oh for Heaven's sake, read the thread before you post.

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Originally Posted by luvsJack View Post
and I have already said about4 times that he has already cancelled for that weekend. Do you people read at all or just jump to conclusions?
You are missing the point. He needs to 86 the wrestling completely. He needs to strap on a pair and become a man and stop playing at being a father. You need to stop babying him and make him become responsible for his children. Stop enabling this man who "visits" his children. If his attitude is that he visits the kids I don't blame your DIL for wanting a separation, I would be kicking his sorry self to the road. She had three kids and a MIL who supports his childish nonsense.

I am a mother so I know how hard it is to see deficits that a child has but you are not helping. You are part of the problem. If you continue to support the selfish choices your son makes you are going to be defending him when he can't "visit" the next set of kids, and you will be wondering why the two you have don't want to see their Dad. And I am willing to bet you will think your DDIL is the culprit.
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Old 02-09-2013, 10:04 AM   #152
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Originally Posted by hellow View Post
It's wierd, but fairly few of you see that he is working to provide for her and the kids. She has ample support from both families (which is pretty rare in this day and age). I understand her wanting to have some free time, but thanks to him working, she has enough money to spend a weekend at a concert, not have to work herself to put food on the table. Considering how many dead beat dads there are out there, I have a tendency to give credit where credit is due here.

The son needs to make some changes for sure, but maybe a lot of you don't want to see what he IS doing, you just see what he ISN'T doing.


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Originally Posted by shortbun View Post
Yeah, really. It's wrestling for two hours and it keeps him from his children for the entire night. I'm not suggesting that his job out of town be sacrificed, just the Big Time Wrestling job that his mother first described as some sort of hobby. It was only after lots of criticism that she said he made money doing it. Hmmm. She would defend him in any scenario and still doesn't see how this could be damaging to his hanging by a thread marriage, his relationship with his daughters or his rights as a parent. Yeah, quit the wrestling. It's worthless and questionable. He lost his right to wrestle when he moved out of town leaving his wife alone with his children-no car, no money, no help.
The ENTIRE night?? Where did you get that from? It is two hours and his kids are usually there.

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Originally Posted by Pigeon View Post
I work to support my kids--most of us do. I also arranged and paid for childcare for the times when my work schedule prohibited me from being with my kids. Most of us do that as well. No, he doesn't get the father of the year award merely for having a job.
I don't think a single person on this thread hasn't said that the son needs to step up. Absolutely nobody is nominating him for "father of the year." Everyone acknowledges that HE needs to take responsibility. However, some of us aren't ready to completely vilify him and award him with "horrible father of the year." Essentially, the guy sees his kids Saturday night and Sunday. He is working to provide for his family. He is seeing his kids way more than some scumbag fathers out there. Is it ideal? No. Should he work harder to see his kids more often? Yes! But good grief, the Dis is one extreme or the other and there is never any in between. He is a newly separated dad who needs to figure out how to make this work NOW. Grandma needs to let him handle it and he needs to be the one to communicate with his ex. But I think it is a little too soon to take him down to Times Square and have a public flogging.
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Old 02-09-2013, 10:05 AM   #153
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Originally Posted by Nancyg56 View Post



You are missing the point. He needs to 86 the wrestling completely. He needs to strap on a pair and become a man and stop playing at being a father.
I agree with you 100% What kind of parent has time to do childish things like wrestle when they haven't seen their children all week? Who in their right mind would give up 2 hours of their time with their children if they only get them one or two days a week?

Does he like his children? Why doesn't he want to spend time with them? Why would he rather wrestle than be with his children
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Old 02-09-2013, 10:05 AM   #154
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Originally Posted by luv2sleep View Post
Actually that's not true. I am divorced. My ex chose not to be involved in any way. Long story. I work and everything is on me 24/7. My situation is different.

I think the grandmother in this situation is being wonderful. Neither parent is. To take advantage of the grandmother and pawn them off on HER is wrong. They are not HER kids. The parents should work out this situation amongst themselves. Find a sitter, etc. or keep their own kids or whatever. They had them so deal with it. A grandmother is a luxury not a built in babysitter. They are lucky to have her.
It's true, grandparents are a luxury. I have had it both ways. When I still lived near my ex inlaws I had to deal with grandparents who would take DD for the court ordered supervised visitation (never should have agreed to let them be the supervisors, that came very close to ending in disaster, but I digress) and nothing more. Now that we live in my hometown I am blessed to have a large extended family who sometimes literally argue over who gets to have her when. I swear sometimes I think she is off skiing, snowshoeing, boating, swimming, camping, traveling, working, hiking, mushrooming or having sleepovers with grandparents or aunts and uncles that I think she is away more than she is home with me.

Meanwhile, the ex ILs, who have plenty of money and time in their busy retired schedule of sitting on the couch watching Fox news and going to church, deign to come up to visit her twice a year and stay for less than 36 hours each time but expect me to let them take DD out of state for ten days. Ummm...no. If you don't make the effort to be a part of her life more than 70 hours a year because it's not "convenient" for you you don't get to take her out of state for a week and a half. Like I said repeatedly, it's about priorities, and DD is not a priority for the ex ILs.
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Old 02-09-2013, 10:21 AM   #155
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I think that the OP should step away from this too. Continually defending the son is just making some pounce even more.

The mom and dad need to work this out.
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Old 02-09-2013, 10:27 AM   #156
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Originally Posted by RitaE

Is living with him even an option though? He is living in some apartment with a bunch of other men. If it isn't appropriate for the girls to visit him there then I'm guessing it isn't all that appropriate for his wife to live there with him either. Did he offer to get an apartment where she and the babies could join him?
yes he did.
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Old 02-09-2013, 10:28 AM   #157
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Originally Posted by luvsJack View Post
and I have already said about4 times that he has already cancelled for that weekend. Do you people read at all or just jump to conclusions?
Its more than just that weekend, you are jumping to conclusions because you don't like what you are reading. Daddy needs to start acting like he is really a daddy and not a visitor in his children's lives. You need to stop acting like his mommie and start acting like their grandmother.

The kids come first. ANY weekend he play wrestler is time he takes away from being with them. ANY weekend he doesn't take them is a weekend she doesn't get a break or time to plan something she wants to do. She isn't his slave, she is the girls mother and SHE deserves some time and some respect, not a couple of hours here and there as someone else sees fit to fill in.

As I've said, it's more than about this ONE weekend. It's about his entire way of looking at his time with the girls. The mom isn't the only one responsible for taking care of the children. He isn't doing her a favor by taking them on a regular basis, it's his most important job.
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Old 02-09-2013, 10:28 AM   #158
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nancyg56

Oh for Heaven's sake, read the thread before you post..
I did. The gist of the responses is that he needs to be responsible, take care of his kids more and the mom needs and deserves a break. Same ole same ole. I hear this complaint all of the time even from people who aren't separated. The grandma though is being taken advantage of. I don't care what their 'agreement' is. They had these kids, one of them decided to leave, and now they need to work this out amongst themselves. Hire someone or swap time or whatever. Why should either one burden the grandmother? I have a child and if they wanted me to help I would but to expect it is wrong.

I think they both need to stop complaining and just make whatever arrangements they need to. BOTH of them. If she wants to go to a concert that bad and he's being a deadbeat then she needs to hire a sitter. She can't make him be a great parent and will go crazy trying to. So I would set up an alternate childcare arrangement, buy my tickets and hope the dad comes through. If he doesn't I'm still going. I don't get the complaining and going on about it. Deal with it, make a plan and move on. If he won't take his kids every weekend take him to court or mediation and get a formal agreement. You don't have to be going through a divorce to do that.
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Old 02-09-2013, 10:54 AM   #159
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I think some of you seriously need to take your man-hating googles off. The OP's son is doing the best he can. He is the sole provider for his family, and he has to work to earn enough to be able to support two households; his apartment and food where he works, and food and shelter for his daughters and their mother. Whether you like it or not, wrestling provides additional income for him to be able to provide for his family. The fact that it's something he enjoys seems to be adding fuel to your fire.

Perhaps those of you commenting that he needs to quit the wrestling gig have never been to a show. I have, I spent my childhood going to local wrestling matches on Saturday night because my brother was a huge fan and my father would take us. Sometimes Mom came, sometimes our older brother drove us. Here is the thing, my father was in construction and the union would send him on jobs for weeks or months at a time where he would come home only on weekends. I guess I was too stupid to see that spending time with my brother and I taking us to wrestling was not quality time. It sure felt like it to us.

The matches only last 10-15 minutes each. The little girls are spending the time with their dad back stage before his match, and the rest of the time after. They probably love every minute of it and when they are older they will remember what a fun time it was, how exciting waiting to see if Dad was going to win or lose. It may not be what YOU consider quality time, but to those girls, I'm certain that it is and they will have fond memories.

Of course, he could quit his part time wrestling job and spend that quality time staring at a TV screen watching cartoons I suppose. Yeah, that would be WAY better....
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Old 02-09-2013, 10:58 AM   #160
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Originally Posted by FayeW
I think some of you seriously need to take your man-hating googles off. The OP's son is doing the best he can. He is the sole provider for his family, and he has to work to earn enough to be able to support two households; his apartment and food where he works, and food and shelter for his daughters and their mother. Whether you like it or not, wrestling provides additional income for him to be able to provide for his family. The fact that it's something he enjoys seems to be adding fuel to your fire.

Perhaps those of you commenting that he needs to quit the wrestling gig have never been to a show. I have, I spent my childhood going to local wrestling matches on Saturday night because my brother was a huge fan and my father would take us. Sometimes Mom came, sometimes our older brother drove us. Here is the thing, my father was in construction and the union would send him on jobs for weeks or months at a time where he would come home only on weekends. I guess I was too stupid to see that spending time with my brother and I taking us to wrestling was not quality time. It sure felt like it to us.

The matches only last 10-15 minutes each. The little girls are spending the time with their dad back stage before his match, and the rest of the time after. They probably love every minute of it and when they are older they will remember what a fun time it was, how exciting waiting to see if Dad was going to win or lose. It may not be what YOU consider quality time, but to those girls, I'm certain that it is and they will have fond memories.

Of course, he could quit his part time wrestling job and spend that quality time staring at a TV screen watching cartoons I suppose. Yeah, that would be WAY better....
Yes. Great post.
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Old 02-09-2013, 10:59 AM   #161
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Read from the beginning -- the parents are separated and their informal agreement is that mom has them Mon-Fri, dad has them Sat-Sun. The father is not adhering to their agreed terms.

OP, we know you love your son, but stop defending him. I think you know what is apparent to many of us readers: if you didn't take the kids, your son would never see them. He's got to get his act together. Don't enable him.


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and I have already said about4 times that he has already cancelled for that weekend. Do you people read at all or just jump to conclusions?
You wrote the original post and never mentioned that he was taking off to care for his 2 daughters. You were wondering about why their mother was upset about it. We told you and NOW you say he's taking it off.

Fine, great. I'm glad in the last 24 hours he decided to do that (although I am not sure whether it really happened over night or not!). Now, he needs to "man up" and do it more often. Ideally, every.single.weekend. He's making this GREAT money on this far from home job all week. Skip the Saturday nights wrestling--spend that time with your kids, mister. THEY NEED YOU--little girls need their daddy, you can chose to be there for them. Find something after the day job on a night when he can't see his children if you want the extra $ but give up the stupid wrestling gig and "visit" those children.

And people wonder why kids are so angry these days...

As far as luv2sleep...your situation is totally different. When the father walks out and gives up rights, as a mom you either take over or not. Good for you for stepping up and being a good mom. Yes, it is wonderful that these little girls have the OP, the DIL's family and anyone else who loves and spends time with these kids--but that does not make it OK for the father to come around only when it is convenient for him. So much damage is done when a father or mother does this to a child.
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Old 02-09-2013, 11:10 AM   #162
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Maybe the girls do like to go wrestling if it is a fun family environment. If he truly spends his time there with them, not mingling with the other adults, then maybe he is getting paid for family time.

My concern with the wrestling is that he could get hurt. Yes it pays, but does it pay enough or have insurance that would cover wages for his FT job if he can't work there as a result of injuries. Many former wrestlers have said it is tough on the body and they have lots of injuries. It sounds like he works construction during the week and that is very physical too. It would be awful if he lost a good FT job with benefits for a couple hundred dollars won in a match.
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Old 02-09-2013, 11:10 AM   #163
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Originally Posted by FayeW View Post
I think some of you seriously need to take your man-hating googles off. The OP's son is doing the best he can. He is the sole provider for his family, and he has to work to earn enough to be able to support two households; his apartment and food where he works, and food and shelter for his daughters and their mother. Whether you like it or not, wrestling provides additional income for him to be able to provide for his family. The fact that it's something he enjoys seems to be adding fuel to your fire.

Perhaps those of you commenting that he needs to quit the wrestling gig have never been to a show. I have, I spent my childhood going to local wrestling matches on Saturday night because my brother was a huge fan and my father would take us. Sometimes Mom came, sometimes our older brother drove us. Here is the thing, my father was in construction and the union would send him on jobs for weeks or months at a time where he would come home only on weekends. I guess I was too stupid to see that spending time with my brother and I taking us to wrestling was not quality time. It sure felt like it to us.

The matches only last 10-15 minutes each. The little girls are spending the time with their dad back stage before his match, and the rest of the time after. They probably love every minute of it and when they are older they will remember what a fun time it was, how exciting waiting to see if Dad was going to win or lose. It may not be what YOU consider quality time, but to those girls, I'm certain that it is and they will have fond memories.

Of course, he could quit his part time wrestling job and spend that quality time staring at a TV screen watching cartoons I suppose. Yeah, that would be WAY better....

I don't think anyone is wearing "man hating goggles."

Yes, I am sure those little hearts are thrilled just to see dad. As a little girl, my dad worked a lot too (although he was home every night) but I do remember what a thrill it was to watch him wash his car even. No denying that type of thing I still think in a separation or divorce setting, this father needs more time with his kids and he needs to work out the arrangement for those kids with the mother. They need a parenting plan.

Not sure why quitting wrestling amounts to cartoon watching to you but OK.
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Old 02-09-2013, 11:12 AM   #164
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Originally Posted by FayeW View Post
I think some of you seriously need to take your man-hating googles off. The OP's son is doing the best he can. He is the sole provider for his family, and he has to work to earn enough to be able to support two households; his apartment and food where he works, and food and shelter for his daughters and their mother. Whether you like it or not, wrestling provides additional income for him to be able to provide for his family. The fact that it's something he enjoys seems to be adding fuel to your fire.

Perhaps those of you commenting that he needs to quit the wrestling gig have never been to a show. I have, I spent my childhood going to local wrestling matches on Saturday night because my brother was a huge fan and my father would take us. Sometimes Mom came, sometimes our older brother drove us. Here is the thing, my father was in construction and the union would send him on jobs for weeks or months at a time where he would come home only on weekends. I guess I was too stupid to see that spending time with my brother and I taking us to wrestling was not quality time. It sure felt like it to us.

The matches only last 10-15 minutes each. The little girls are spending the time with their dad back stage before his match, and the rest of the time after. They probably love every minute of it and when they are older they will remember what a fun time it was, how exciting waiting to see if Dad was going to win or lose. It may not be what YOU consider quality time, but to those girls, I'm certain that it is and they will have fond memories.

Of course, he could quit his part time wrestling job and spend that quality time staring at a TV screen watching cartoons I suppose. Yeah, that would be WAY better....

Earlier in the thread the OP said, with regards to wrestling on Saturday nights, that he deserves two hours to himself every week. I gather more often than not the girls are not taken to wrestling with him and even when they are it's not as if they are glued to his side interacting with him the whole time. I would say your Dad taking you to a wrestling event is a different situation from this. Also, it sounds like the girls in question are pretty young. It's not like they are 10 years old or something like that.
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Old 02-09-2013, 11:13 AM   #165
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I think some of you seriously need to take your man-hating googles off. The OP's son is doing the best he can. He is the sole provider for his family, and he has to work to earn enough to be able to support two households; his apartment and food where he works, and food and shelter for his daughters and their mother....
In the OP, it states that the DIL moved out and in with her MOTHER. I don't see anything that indicates that the OP's ds is supporting his wife and kids at all. It also appears that the ds and dil were living with the OP - has the son ever supported his family?

When the OP steps in to watch the kids on the weekends, it's to support her SON, because he is the one who is supposed to have them. And if she wants to remain in their lives, she should, because eventually her DIL is going to become tired of her DH only taking the kids when it's convenient for him.
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