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Old 02-09-2013, 08:19 AM   #136
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Work interferes with family time. It's a fact of life for many. However, DIL is frustrated because he (and you) expect her to pick up his slack. She is supposed to plan around him. That's what is frustrating. He needs to come up with a reliable plan to make sure his kids are picked up when they are supposed to be, and are cared for when they are with him.

What would happen if he were all of a sudden primary caregiver? Would you be responsible for the girls? What would you do with them during choir season? What would HE do during choir season?

You have your answer numerous times. I suspect it isn't what you wanted to hear.

For the record, if she went to court I can't see this playing favorably for him.

- he lives in an apartment not suitable for kids. I'm in Canada.. parental accommodations MUST be suitable for the children before visitation can happen. Maybe where you are Grandma's house is acceptable.. but then Grandma's house needs to be constant regardless of what else is going on.
- unless the wrestling is contributing significantly to the finances, it needs to go. IF he were to pay for care during that time, would it be worth it? That's the trade off any parent needs to look at. It's a second, very part time job. If he's making a decent income from it AFTER paying for childcare and other expenses.. then it's worthwhile.
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Old 02-09-2013, 08:38 AM   #137
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Originally Posted by luvsJack
Where am I wrong in this situation?

DS and DIL are separated. She moved out and moved in with her mom.

Right after she moved out, ds got a really fantastic job out of town. He is gone Mon-Fri, unless they have a rain-out and then he is gone Sat. too. He has an apartment in the town with his work, stays with me on the weekends so that he can see his dds.

Since he started the new job, he has worked every Saturday and one Sunday.

The first two weekends, I would meet her and get the girls on Friday nights so that they would be at my house when he got home. I can't do that now because dd has Show Choir competitions every weekend. The girls are too young to spend the day at a competition. I told dil that this was coming and that ds would get the girls when he got home. She got mad at me and acted like I don't want to see the girls. Which is not true at all.

Yesterday she texted me and I asked if "wanted" the girls. Of course I want them! But, dd has a competition Saturday and we won't be home until late. So I told her that she and ds would have to work out him picking them up Saturday night. (it worked out that he doesn't have to work Saturday so he is getting them now actually).

Then she sends another text that she is going out of state over the weekend in about 3 weeks and one of us would need to keep the girls. And that she told ds he needed to be in town as much as possible. She is going to a concert.

DS has all intentions of having the girls, so no real problem except I told her that IF he has to work that Saturday, I wouldn't be able to watch them due to another competition so she may need to have a back up just in case. So, now she is mad again.

Show choir season is only for 2-3 months and this just happens to be that time of year. I would keep the girls any other time, just not on days with competitions.

She is mad because ds might have to work and she is mad because I can't keep them if he does. DS told her that he cannot call in at work--it would be risking his job. So, I really don't know what she wants us to do.

Every moment he is off from work, he is with his daughters, except for a couple of hours on Saturday night when he goes to his wrestling show. He picks them up after or she brings them to him. He told her that he would let the promotion know that he wouldn't be there the weekend of the concert but that doesn't seem to be enough. I told her that its possible that if she can get her mom or dad to keep them, I would pick them up after the competition but I can't guarantee a time because it all depends on how the choir does. Not good enough.

So, I have basically said nothing else to her and let her stew. I can't change anything. But, then I wondered, is there something I am not seeing?
I only read this post but I've got to say she's a piece of work and has some nerve. I'm a solo, 100% of the time parent with no family help. I PAY a sitter every time I need to be away from home. Which is maybe for 2 hours a week so I can run errands sans child (hair appt, dentist, etc).. I can't imagine treating a loving grandmother this way. And asking your son to skip work so she can go to a concert? And why does she need to pawn them off on Saturdays anyway? That are HER children? I'm going to read the thread now but wanted to chime in. Bless you for being such a wonderful mom and grandmother! I WISH we had that!
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Old 02-09-2013, 08:38 AM   #138
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Originally Posted by LuvsDragonflies

Well...how many weekends has he missed wrestling to take care of the girls? 1? none? several? She wants to get away for a weekend, why can't he take responsibilty for the girls for a full weekend once or twice a month? She deserves to do something she wants to do too, doesn't she? He needs to commit to at least one full weekend a month to give her a full weekend. Regardless of whether he needs to pay for a sitter to watch them occassionally.
and I have already said about4 times that he has already cancelled for that weekend. Do you people read at all or just jump to conclusions?
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Old 02-09-2013, 08:40 AM   #139
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luv2sleep

I only read this post but I've got to say she's a piece of work and has some nerve. I'm a solo, 100% of the time parent with no family help. I PAY a sitter every time I need to be away from home. Which is maybe for 2 hours a week so I can run errands sans child (hair appt, dentist, etc).. I can't imagine treating a loving grandmother this way. And asking your son to skip work so she can go to a concert? And why does she need to pawn them off on Saturdays anyway? That are HER children? I'm going to read the thread now but wanted to chime in. Bless you for being such a wonderful mom and grandmother! I WISH we had that!
Seriously? At what point is the father responsible for his own children? He gets to do what he wants on Saturday night but she doesn't ever get to? I have never considered my husband watching his kids as pawning them off...
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Old 02-09-2013, 08:42 AM   #140
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luv2sleep

I only read this post but I've got to say she's a piece of work and has some nerve. I'm a solo, 100% of the time parent with no family help. I PAY a sitter every time I need to be away from home. Which is maybe for 2 hours a week so I can run errands sans child (hair appt, dentist, etc).. I can't imagine treating a loving grandmother this way. And asking your son to skip work so she can go to a concert? And why does she need to pawn them off on Saturdays anyway? That are HER children? I'm going to read the thread now but wanted to chime in. Bless you for being such a wonderful mom and grandmother! I WISH we had that!
I can't even. They are HIS children too!! So he takes zero parenting responsibility? Omg.

This can't be serious.

As a single mom, very much living this DILs life, I understand how she feels. Clearly the OP doesn't "get it."

I can't. Backing away.
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Old 02-09-2013, 08:43 AM   #141
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luv2sleep View Post
I only read this post but I've got to say she's a piece of work and has some nerve. I'm a solo, 100% of the time parent with no family help. I PAY a sitter every time I need to be away from home. Which is maybe for 2 hours a week so I can run errands sans child (hair appt, dentist, etc).. I can't imagine treating a loving grandmother this way. And asking your son to skip work so she can go to a concert? And why does she need to pawn them off on Saturdays anyway? That are HER children? I'm going to read the thread now but wanted to chime in. Bless you for being such a wonderful mom and grandmother! I WISH we had that!
They are also HIS children. He doesn't take care of them during the week. He's supposed to be visiting with them on the weekend. If someone is going to have to arrange and pay for childcare during the time when he is supposed to be responsible for the children, why should she be the one to do it? Why not him?
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Old 02-09-2013, 08:45 AM   #142
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luv2sleep View Post
I only read this post but I've got to say she's a piece of work and has some nerve. I'm a solo, 100% of the time parent with no family help. I PAY a sitter every time I need to be away from home. Which is maybe for 2 hours a week so I can run errands sans child (hair appt, dentist, etc).. I can't imagine treating a loving grandmother this way. And asking your son to skip work so she can go to a concert? And why does she need to pawn them off on Saturdays anyway? That are HER children? I'm going to read the thread now but wanted to chime in. Bless you for being such a wonderful mom and grandmother! I WISH we had that!
So, do you think that a mother, any mother, should only be away from her children for necessary things like hair and dentist appts?
And the DIL isn't pawning her kids off on Saturdays, they are spending time with their father. That is how it usually works when parents are separated or divorced. Maybe its because you are single and have to do it 100% but you sound a little bitter
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Old 02-09-2013, 08:45 AM   #143
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If I were the OP in this situation, I'd be upset and frustrated,too. But the target of my frustration would be my son, not my DIL.

I have made it crystal clear to my kids since about the time they were 12 that any offspring they choose to produce are their problem, not mine. Having kids is an adult responsibility. Having kids means you might have to give up things like wrestling and "me" time. Having kids means you figure out the logistics of child care.

I am completely unwilling to raise grandchildren and I will not be roped into doing childcare on any routine schedule. If your babysitter is sick or the daycare center is closed for an emergency, sure, if it fits into my schedule, I'll be back-up.

But every weekend? While I'm still raising my own kid or I'm still working in my own job? Fuggetaboutit. You decided to breed, it's your responsibility to deal with the result. The OP's son is the one who should be figuring all this out, and if he were mine, I'd be furious with him that he's pawning this off on me. And I'd step far, far away from it because as long as mom steps in to clean up the mess and defend him, he's got no incentive to grow up.
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Old 02-09-2013, 08:45 AM   #144
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luv2sleep View Post
I only read this post but I've got to say she's a piece of work and has some nerve. I'm a solo, 100% of the time parent with no family help. I PAY a sitter every time I need to be away from home. Which is maybe for 2 hours a week so I can run errands sans child (hair appt, dentist, etc).. I can't imagine treating a loving grandmother this way. And asking your son to skip work so she can go to a concert? And why does she need to pawn them off on Saturdays anyway? That are HER children? I'm going to read the thread now but wanted to chime in. Bless you for being such a wonderful mom and grandmother! I WISH we had that!

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Old 02-09-2013, 08:47 AM   #145
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luv2sleep View Post
I only read this post but I've got to say she's a piece of work and has some nerve. I'm a solo, 100% of the time parent with no family help. I PAY a sitter every time I need to be away from home. Which is maybe for 2 hours a week so I can run errands sans child (hair appt, dentist, etc).. I can't imagine treating a loving grandmother this way. And asking your son to skip work so she can go to a concert? And why does she need to pawn them off on Saturdays anyway? That are HER children? I'm going to read the thread now but wanted to chime in. Bless you for being such a wonderful mom and grandmother! I WISH we had that!
Read from the beginning -- the parents are separated and their informal agreement is that mom has them Mon-Fri, dad has them Sat-Sun. The father is not adhering to their agreed terms.

OP, we know you love your son, but stop defending him. I think you know what is apparent to many of us readers: if you didn't take the kids, your son would never see them. He's got to get his act together. Don't enable him.
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Old 02-09-2013, 08:48 AM   #146
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luv2sleep View Post
I only read this post but I've got to say she's a piece of work and has some nerve. I'm a solo, 100% of the time parent with no family help. I PAY a sitter every time I need to be away from home. Which is maybe for 2 hours a week so I can run errands sans child (hair appt, dentist, etc).. I can't imagine treating a loving grandmother this way. And asking your son to skip work so she can go to a concert? And why does she need to pawn them off on Saturdays anyway? That are HER children? I'm going to read the thread now but wanted to chime in. Bless you for being such a wonderful mom and grandmother! I WISH we had that!
Are you kidding me? She has to work her schedule around him, but he doesn't have to do the same?

And what's wrong with her wanting to go to a concert 3 weeks from now? Apparently it's not a problem for him to go to his wrestling show every single weekend.

Pawn them off? They're his kids too, she's with them the other 6 days of the week.
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Old 02-09-2013, 08:49 AM   #147
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I only read this post but I've got to say she's a piece of work and has some nerve. I'm a solo, 100% of the time parent with no family help. I PAY a sitter every time I need to be away from home. Which is maybe for 2 hours a week so I can run errands sans child (hair appt, dentist, etc).. I can't imagine treating a loving grandmother this way. And asking your son to skip work so she can go to a concert? And why does she need to pawn them off on Saturdays anyway? That are HER children? I'm going to read the thread now but wanted to chime in. Bless you for being such a wonderful mom and grandmother! I WISH we had that!
I think the difference is in YOUR situation, you knew you were the one responsible 100% of the time. It would be the same if a parent was deployed in the military. The one staying home would be responsible 100% of the time.

In the case presented in the OP, the children's father (at least his mom) wants some of the responsibility, as long as it's convenient to him. I don't think he should quit either of his jobs. I do think *HE* should make at least backup arrangements (in case he needs to work) for this one weekend his wife has said she can't keep the kids.
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Old 02-09-2013, 08:53 AM   #148
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and I have already said about4 times that he has already cancelled for that weekend. Do you people read at all or just jump to conclusions?

Congratulations. He stepped up and made his kids a priority for one day out of the month. Now what about all the other Saturday evenings he has to spend with his kids? Since, by your own admission, he has worked every Saturday since he started this job that means he doesn't get to see his girls until late on Saturday and then immediately dumps them off on someone else to care for for two hours while he wrestles. You said yourself at the beginning of the thread that he deserves two hours a week to himself which implies that while the girls may be in the building when he is doing his show he doesn't actually spend much, if any, time with them.

From what I have read it sounds like the girls are pretty young so I'm guessing that after he is done wrestling and can fit his kids into his busy schedule it is time for them to go to bed. Which means he only sees them for a few hours on Sunday. Like I said before, it's about priorities and balancing obligations. It is pretty clear to most of us that his kids are not his priority. He works hard all week and wants to do what he wants to do during the few hours he gets to see them on weekends and it appears, at least on Saturday nights, he wants to wrestle. So that is what he is going to do no matter how it affects anyone else.

The kids need stability and a routine they can count on. It is obvious his job does not allow for that but it is completely unfair of him, and you, to expect the mother to put her life on hold until the last minute when he finds out if he can have the weekend off or not. They are his kids just as much as they are hers and he needs to shoulder some responsibility for caring for them. If he can't care for them personally he needs to make arrangements on the weekends for someone too and it shouldn't mean the mother waits by the phone 24/7 to see if she will get to go to a movie in an hour because he deigns to grace the kids with his presence.
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Old 02-09-2013, 08:56 AM   #149
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Originally Posted by sam_gordon
I think the difference is in YOUR situation, you knew you were the one responsible 100% of the time. It would be the same if a parent was deployed in the military. The one staying home would be responsible 100% of the time.

In the case presented in the OP, the children's father (at least his mom) wants some of the responsibility, as long as it's convenient to him. I don't think he should quit either of his jobs. I do think *HE* should make at least backup arrangements (in case he needs to work) for this one weekend his wife has said she can't keep the kids.
Actually that's not true. I am divorced. My ex chose not to be involved in any way. Long story. I work and everything is on me 24/7. My situation is different.

I think the grandmother in this situation is being wonderful. Neither parent is. To take advantage of the grandmother and pawn them off on HER is wrong. They are not HER kids. The parents should work out this situation amongst themselves. Find a sitter, etc. or keep their own kids or whatever. They had them so deal with it. A grandmother is a luxury not a built in babysitter. They are lucky to have her.
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Old 02-09-2013, 08:59 AM   #150
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The grandmother and son set that system up though, not the mother.
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