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Old 02-08-2013, 11:08 AM   #91
luvsJack
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Originally Posted by mjkacmom View Post
Of course it is - I'm doubting the OP's daughter is frustrated over coffee! It might be just a bunch of little things (coffee, talking too much), or it might be something bigger (like the daughter would like her parents to spend some quality time at her brother's house, since they're coming to town to see his daughter). However, since the OP totally went over the top in her reaction (I could see crying all day if the daughter spit in her face, slapped her, told her she was a horrible mother and she wishes she was dead), the daughter will now keep her mouth shut, even if resentment keeps building.

Since the daughter went above and beyond with the flowers, I'm guessing she is used to keeping her feelings to herself, and the OP is not one who receives criticism well.

If I said those things to my mom, she wouldn't bat an eye (nevermind cry!). We see each other every day - we're going to drive each other crazy every now and then - no biggie!
My mom and I bicker constantly, we always have and its over in 10 seconds. We see each other daily also. But, I would NEVER tell her she should go stay with one of my siblings.

She stayed with me for quite awhile after Katrina--not really due to the storm but other reasons, she got on my nerves, but it would have never crossed my mind to say something that hurtful to her.

The OP has a right to be hurt, she has as much right to her feelings as her daughter does to hers. Its ok that her daughter is stressed, frustrated or whatever; its not alright to hurt someone's feelings. She should have just told her mother in a calm, adult manner that something was bothering her. She should have suggested that they stay with her brother in the first place if that was the way she felt.

I think the OP should talk to her dd, accept her apology, and let it be over but I would never say that she doesn't have the right to her feelings or that she was "over the top"--at least not any more so than her daughter throwing a fit over coffee.
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Old 02-08-2013, 11:11 AM   #92
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Just sent my daughter flowers and apologized to her.
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Old 02-08-2013, 11:21 AM   #93
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Wow, some of you guys are awfully harsh to the OP. Its interesting to see so many people automatically assuming that the OP must obviously be so in the wrong for her daughter to snap at her like she did. So judging on a few posts, she is overmothering, treating her daughters house like a bed and breakfast, and overstepping her bounds.

First off, if her daughter has a problem with her mother staying with her overnight every six weeks or so, then the daughter should tell her parents that before they make the next trip down. The OP explained that the son has a smaller house than the daughter. Maybe he doesn't have a spare room for the parents whereas the daughter does. Regardless, the daughter should not open her home if she doesn't want them there. If the daugher always says its okay, how are the parents to know otherwise?

Second, maybe the OP was simply just trying to do a nice thing and make coffee for her daugher so that it would ready in the morning. Nothing more, nothing less. Funny how some people can take a simple gesture like making coffee and make someone seem like they have committed a great sin against their child by overstepping (no good deed goes unpunished I guess).

The daugher accuses of her asking too many questions, etc. Well, maybe she's just interested in her daughters life. It is quite possible that maybe the daughter feels like the mom is being "nosy" or getting too involved and the mom just doesn't realize that. I know people like that. They don't mean any harm and they don't realize that they are getting too involved. Again though, the daughter should approach it in a better manner.

It sounds to me like the OP and her husband have done a lot for their daughter, including buying the house. Some would consider that a good deed on the part of the parents. Others on here act like they did it to lord it over the daugthers head for the rest of her life (which the OP never makes it appear this way). Maybe the daugher does feel awkward about that and feels obligated to let them stay there. Again, a conversation that should be brought up by her at the appropriate time.

Snapping her mom's head off late at night because she didn't make coffee to her exact specifications and then listing all of her grievances right then and there is not the right time or place. Late at night, people are tired, stressed from the day, and everyone is more emotional. If this is out of character for the daughter, then I can see why the OP is so upset and crying. It hurts your heart when someone you love treats you that way especially when you were most likely just trying to do something nice.

I'm just amazed (although I shouldn't be considering other threads on the disboard) at how harsh some of you are. If I was one of your parents, I'd be afraid to walk into your house for fear of being put into my place.

To the OP, I really truly hope that you are moving on from this and it doesn't hurt your relationship with your daughter. I think that a good heart to heart with her might be due. But, please don't let the people here make you feel like you were in the wrong and make you feel bad.

For the record....I'm the daughter's age and I am very thankful to have a Mom that I love and appreciate very much.
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Old 02-08-2013, 11:32 AM   #94
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Thanks Miss manda, I needed that.
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Old 02-08-2013, 11:36 AM   #95
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Originally Posted by thumpersfriend View Post
Just sent my daughter flowers and apologized to her.
I think this is a great first step on the way to getting back to a working relationship. You both obviously love each other, and I hope things work out.
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Old 02-08-2013, 11:37 AM   #96
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Originally Posted by thumpersfriend View Post
Just sent my daughter flowers and apologized to her.
That's a very nice thing to do. This obviously bothered you very much so may I suggest talking to her about it as well. You don't want this to fester. Would your DD be honest and tell you if she felt it was too much with you staying there?

Some people are used to living alone and when there are others there for a visit they have a difficult time adjusting and feel their space is invaded. It could be that way for your DD.

Regardless, it sounds like you love her very much so you should talk it out.

Best wishes.
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Old 02-08-2013, 11:51 AM   #97
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OP, sending flowers was a lovely idea. My thoughts-it's time to take a breath and let this go.
Unless there is a really, really good reason to discuss this further, don't. Everyone has a bad day now and then.
Keep your focus on the positive present.
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Old 02-08-2013, 11:53 AM   #98
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Originally Posted by thumpersfriend View Post
Thanks Miss manda, I needed that.
You are quite welcome.
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Old 02-08-2013, 11:59 AM   #99
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I probably did overreact ,but she has never said anything like this to me before and it really hurt. I am not one that cries and especially I hate to have anyone see me cry. But if i say I will try to change things, I am a martyr, and that is not what I intend to be. I could be over mothering since we moved away from them, did not think of that. I guess I could be overcompensating and trying too hard? She has apologized to me and I apologized about the complaints she had about me. I can let it go at that. But if I say that things will never be the same, it means that maybe that is a good thing. Hope that makes some sense.
I hope that the two of you will be able to talk about whatever her issues with you are. Mother-daughter relationships just don't ever get easier do they?

I really hope that you get this settled to the point that you don't feel that you are walking on egg shells to keep from upsetting her or visa versa. Sometimes it takes a blow up to make things better so maybe this will be a good turning point in your relationship.

Don't be a martyr but don't feel that you do not have a right to how you feel. You were hurt and that is ok. She apologized for hurting you and that is a great thing. Maybe she, too, sees there needs to be a change in your relationship or at least in the way you communicate.
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Old 02-08-2013, 12:01 PM   #100
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Originally Posted by MissManda View Post
Wow, some of you guys are awfully harsh to the OP. Its interesting to see so many people automatically assuming that the OP must obviously be so in the wrong for her daughter to snap at her like she did. So judging on a few posts, she is overmothering, treating her daughters house like a bed and breakfast, and overstepping her bounds.

First off, if her daughter has a problem with her mother staying with her overnight every six weeks or so, then the daughter should tell her parents that before they make the next trip down. The OP explained that the son has a smaller house than the daughter. Maybe he doesn't have a spare room for the parents whereas the daughter does. Regardless, the daughter should not open her home if she doesn't want them there. If the daugher always says its okay, how are the parents to know otherwise?

Second, maybe the OP was simply just trying to do a nice thing and make coffee for her daugher so that it would ready in the morning. Nothing more, nothing less. Funny how some people can take a simple gesture like making coffee and make someone seem like they have committed a great sin against their child by overstepping (no good deed goes unpunished I guess).

The daugher accuses of her asking too many questions, etc. Well, maybe she's just interested in her daughters life. It is quite possible that maybe the daughter feels like the mom is being "nosy" or getting too involved and the mom just doesn't realize that. I know people like that. They don't mean any harm and they don't realize that they are getting too involved. Again though, the daughter should approach it in a better manner.

It sounds to me like the OP and her husband have done a lot for their daughter, including buying the house. Some would consider that a good deed on the part of the parents. Others on here act like they did it to lord it over the daugthers head for the rest of her life (which the OP never makes it appear this way). Maybe the daugher does feel awkward about that and feels obligated to let them stay there. Again, a conversation that should be brought up by her at the appropriate time.

Snapping her mom's head off late at night because she didn't make coffee to her exact specifications and then listing all of her grievances right then and there is not the right time or place. Late at night, people are tired, stressed from the day, and everyone is more emotional. If this is out of character for the daughter, then I can see why the OP is so upset and crying. It hurts your heart when someone you love treats you that way especially when you were most likely just trying to do something nice.

I'm just amazed (although I shouldn't be considering other threads on the disboard) at how harsh some of you are. If I was one of your parents, I'd be afraid to walk into your house for fear of being put into my place.

To the OP, I really truly hope that you are moving on from this and it doesn't hurt your relationship with your daughter. I think that a good heart to heart with her might be due. But, please don't let the people here make you feel like you were in the wrong and make you feel bad.

For the record....I'm the daughter's age and I am very thankful to have a Mom that I love and appreciate very much.
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Old 02-08-2013, 12:07 PM   #101
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In my experience I have learned that it outbursts like this usually has little to do with us . It is said that we often hurt the ones we love and that is because we are close to them and close to their pent up fear ,anger ,and frustration.Like a firefighter that fights a fire,one thing that is extremely dangerous is backdraft. It is when a firefighter unsuspectingly opens a door that holds back smoke and gases waiting to be fed by the oxygen coming from the open door. Forgiveness is not only for the offender by for us as we'll.It allows us to move on and not be held captive to that pain. Although she never should have spoke to you in that way, forgive her. Be the firefighter and put out those flames by showing her the love she needs and those flames will not reignite.Then from there you can rebuild something new when you clear out the ashes.
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Old 02-08-2013, 12:07 PM   #102
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MissManda View Post
Wow, some of you guys are awfully harsh to the OP. Its interesting to see so many people automatically assuming that the OP must obviously be so in the wrong for her daughter to snap at her like she did. So judging on a few posts, she is overmothering, treating her daughters house like a bed and breakfast, and overstepping her bounds.

First off, if her daughter has a problem with her mother staying with her overnight every six weeks or so, then the daughter should tell her parents that before they make the next trip down. The OP explained that the son has a smaller house than the daughter. Maybe he doesn't have a spare room for the parents whereas the daughter does. Regardless, the daughter should not open her home if she doesn't want them there. If the daugher always says its okay, how are the parents to know otherwise?

Second, maybe the OP was simply just trying to do a nice thing and make coffee for her daugher so that it would ready in the morning. Nothing more, nothing less. Funny how some people can take a simple gesture like making coffee and make someone seem like they have committed a great sin against their child by overstepping (no good deed goes unpunished I guess).

The daugher accuses of her asking too many questions, etc. Well, maybe she's just interested in her daughters life. It is quite possible that maybe the daughter feels like the mom is being "nosy" or getting too involved and the mom just doesn't realize that. I know people like that. They don't mean any harm and they don't realize that they are getting too involved. Again though, the daughter should approach it in a better manner.

It sounds to me like the OP and her husband have done a lot for their daughter, including buying the house. Some would consider that a good deed on the part of the parents. Others on here act like they did it to lord it over the daugthers head for the rest of her life (which the OP never makes it appear this way). Maybe the daugher does feel awkward about that and feels obligated to let them stay there. Again, a conversation that should be brought up by her at the appropriate time.

Snapping her mom's head off late at night because she didn't make coffee to her exact specifications and then listing all of her grievances right then and there is not the right time or place. Late at night, people are tired, stressed from the day, and everyone is more emotional. If this is out of character for the daughter, then I can see why the OP is so upset and crying. It hurts your heart when someone you love treats you that way especially when you were most likely just trying to do something nice.

I'm just amazed (although I shouldn't be considering other threads on the disboard) at how harsh some of you are. If I was one of your parents, I'd be afraid to walk into your house for fear of being put into my place.

To the OP, I really truly hope that you are moving on from this and it doesn't hurt your relationship with your daughter. I think that a good heart to heart with her might be due. But, please don't let the people here make you feel like you were in the wrong and make you feel bad.

For the record....I'm the daughter's age and I am very thankful to have a Mom that I love and appreciate very much.
Long time Dis'er here and over the years I have seen so many posts regarding family members, particularly moms and m-i-laws, who have allegedly overstepped boundaries, said or did something inappropriate, etc. And I am always so shocked to see how many Dis'ers respond that said poster shouldn't stand for the behavior, should say something, put the "offender" in their place, etc.

I never understood the mentality of verbally striking back at the family member rather than attempting to have a meaningful conversation about how to interact with one another. Unless you're raised by abusers, there's no need to hurt your parents feelings just so you can put them in their place. I can't see how that would ever solve issues or enhance the relationship.

What's happened to respecting your parents??
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Old 02-08-2013, 12:15 PM   #103
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Originally Posted by VickiVM View Post
Long time Dis'er here and over the years I have seen so many posts regarding family members, particularly moms and m-i-laws, who have allegedly overstepped boundaries, said or did something inappropriate, etc. And I am always so shocked to see how many Dis'ers respond that said poster shouldn't stand for the behavior, should say something, put the "offender" in their place, etc.

I never understood the mentality of verbally striking back at the family member rather than attempting to have a meaningful conversation about how to interact with one another. Unless you're raised by abusers, there's no need to hurt your parents feelings just so you can put them in their place. I can't see how that would ever solve issues or enhance the relationship.

What's happened to respecting your parents??
I thought you, LuvsJack, and Miss Manda all made great points. When I read "let 'em have it" and/or "cut 'em off" type posts I always think this...What kind of mom and/or mother-in-law are they going to be when their kids are adults??

Actually, I think I have a good idea. Sad, though.
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Old 02-08-2013, 12:38 PM   #104
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I am close to the OP's age, but this thread brought me back to my 30s, instantly. I was mentioning to my Mom (on the phone) that I was leaving to go food shopping, when she rattled off a list of what I should and should not do.....for some reason, I took it the wrong way, and declared " For the Love of God, Mom, I have been food shopping since I was 18 years old, I think I know what I am doing by now!!!!" LOL, It is not the coffee, or the food shopping, it is the landmines of the mother/daughter dynamic.

I wish I still had her to bug me every now and then! As the old Irish folk song says.....Keep her while she's living, You'll miss her when she's gone. If you need a good cry, google "A Mother's Love's a Blessing "

It will be fine, OP, a blip on the landscape of your lives together.
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Old 02-08-2013, 12:49 PM   #105
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MissManda View Post
Wow, some of you guys are awfully harsh to the OP. Its interesting to see so many people automatically assuming that the OP must obviously be so in the wrong for her daughter to snap at her like she did. So judging on a few posts, she is overmothering, treating her daughters house like a bed and breakfast, and overstepping her bounds.

First off, if her daughter has a problem with her mother staying with her overnight every six weeks or so, then the daughter should tell her parents that before they make the next trip down. The OP explained that the son has a smaller house than the daughter. Maybe he doesn't have a spare room for the parents whereas the daughter does. Regardless, the daughter should not open her home if she doesn't want them there. If the daugher always says its okay, how are the parents to know otherwise?

Second, maybe the OP was simply just trying to do a nice thing and make coffee for her daugher so that it would ready in the morning. Nothing more, nothing less. Funny how some people can take a simple gesture like making coffee and make someone seem like they have committed a great sin against their child by overstepping (no good deed goes unpunished I guess).

The daugher accuses of her asking too many questions, etc. Well, maybe she's just interested in her daughters life. It is quite possible that maybe the daughter feels like the mom is being "nosy" or getting too involved and the mom just doesn't realize that. I know people like that. They don't mean any harm and they don't realize that they are getting too involved. Again though, the daughter should approach it in a better manner.

It sounds to me like the OP and her husband have done a lot for their daughter, including buying the house. Some would consider that a good deed on the part of the parents. Others on here act like they did it to lord it over the daugthers head for the rest of her life (which the OP never makes it appear this way). Maybe the daugher does feel awkward about that and feels obligated to let them stay there. Again, a conversation that should be brought up by her at the appropriate time.

Snapping her mom's head off late at night because she didn't make coffee to her exact specifications and then listing all of her grievances right then and there is not the right time or place. Late at night, people are tired, stressed from the day, and everyone is more emotional. If this is out of character for the daughter, then I can see why the OP is so upset and crying. It hurts your heart when someone you love treats you that way especially when you were most likely just trying to do something nice.

I'm just amazed (although I shouldn't be considering other threads on the disboard) at how harsh some of you are. If I was one of your parents, I'd be afraid to walk into your house for fear of being put into my place.

To the OP, I really truly hope that you are moving on from this and it doesn't hurt your relationship with your daughter. I think that a good heart to heart with her might be due. But, please don't let the people here make you feel like you were in the wrong and make you feel bad.

For the record....I'm the daughter's age and I am very thankful to have a Mom that I love and appreciate very much.


I was blessed with an awesome mom and it never would have occurred to me to speak to her hatefully. I miss her every day.

TC
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