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Old 02-08-2013, 09:06 AM   #76
Duzzygirl
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Originally Posted by Becky2005 View Post
I think you misread the OP --
...
I think you're right. lol Sorry about that.
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Old 02-08-2013, 09:06 AM   #77
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I'm not trying to be insensitive but I really do not understand how something like this can change a mother - daughter relationship so drastically that it "will never be the same" and that the OP is considering never visiting again.

That sounds a little emotionally manipulative and guilt trippy to me but hey, it's just my opinion.
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Old 02-08-2013, 09:10 AM   #78
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Originally Posted by Wishing on a star View Post
Sorry, mhsjax, but I have to really disagree.

As mentioned, this grown, nearly 40 year old woman, was in her own home... The fact that the conversation went that far tells me that that the mother was probably overstepping.

I would never go into another woman's home, and actually step in to the point where she had to go to such lengths to protect personal space and boundaries. Never.

Only 'overstepping' mothers and MIL's seem to be big on doing that.

If it had been discussed, as in between to 'adults', and the mother asked, "Maybe we can try it this way..." and then the daughter agreed... then that would be perfect.
But, apparantly, that is not the way it went down.
The fact that the daughter had to make such a stand, in her own kitchen, says a LOT.
She was making coffee for cripes sakes, not redecorating her house! That was a ridiculous way to act over coffee. Everyone makes coffee different. The OP was trying to help her daughter and her daughter threw a fit.

My mom has a habit of assuming her way is the "right way" and no one should do it any different. There are times that its a big enough issue that I will speak up and do it my own way but never, ever, never over something as stupid as coffee! And even at some of the most important stuff, I would not tell her she could go stay somewhere else. I say something, she says something, we back away and its over.

I totally agree with mhsjax--the dd lost all of my empathy when I read that.


OP, talk to your daughter. Maybe she was just having some stress going on that you don't know about. Sometimes we really do tend to lash out at the people we love the most.
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Old 02-08-2013, 09:23 AM   #79
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The whole coffee incident was that it was late and she had to work the next day and I wanted her to have coffee when she woke up. She didn't like it that I did not rinse the coffee decantor twice and did not use a measuing cup to pour the water in. I always use a decantor and never seen her use a measuring cup to pour water in. So when I was almost done making this stupid coffee is when she said if I couldn't do things her way I should stay w
ith my son from now on.

But today is another day and feeling much better now. And alot of it is because of this board. Things will be different I think and never quite the same ,but if it helps my daughter, I am totally okay with it.
It sounds as if your daughter may have been a little stressed and you just happened to be there so she released her frustration on you. Let it go. You obviously have a daughter that loves you enough to realize she made a mistake, apologized and sent flowers. Be grateful she did that and loves you that much. Just think about how many times we read on these boards about adult children that don't speak to their parents any more. Put the issue aside, give your DD a great big hug and tell her how much you love her.
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Old 02-08-2013, 09:29 AM   #80
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Originally Posted by Lionqueen2 View Post
It sounds as if your daughter may have been a little stressed and you just happened to be there so she released her frustration on you. Let it go. You obviously have a daughter that loves you enough to realize she made a mistake, apologized and sent flowers. Be grateful she did that and loves you that much. Just think about how many times we read on these boards about adult children that don't speak to their parents any more. Put the issue aside, give your DD a great big hug and tell her how much you love her.
This.
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Old 02-08-2013, 09:34 AM   #81
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But today is another day and feeling much better now. And alot of it is because of this board. Things will be different I think and never quite the same ,but if it helps my daughter, I am totally okay with it.
Gently, it doesn't really sound like you're 'totally okay with it.' I am honestly a bit puzzled as to how one snippy comment (followed by apology and flowers) makes you feel like 'things will be different' and 'never quite the same.' That sounds like you're not okay with it--and that you're perhaps making it into a larger deal than the situation actually warrants.

Is this, by any chance, the first time your adult daughter has been snappish with you? Perhaps it took you by surprise. But maybe she hasn't been honest with you about her frustrations, and it came bubbling up.

I would only say, with kindness, that the best among us can sometimes revert to being thirteen when we're tired and stressed. (As it sounds like she was.) Is it right? No, which is why she apologized. Is it understandable? Of course. And is it forgivable? I certainly hope so.
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Old 02-08-2013, 09:35 AM   #82
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Originally Posted by luvsJack View Post
She was making coffee for cripes sakes, not redecorating her house! That was a ridiculous way to act over coffee. Everyone makes coffee different. The OP was trying to help her daughter and her daughter threw a fit. .
Of course it is - I'm doubting the OP's daughter is frustrated over coffee! It might be just a bunch of little things (coffee, talking too much), or it might be something bigger (like the daughter would like her parents to spend some quality time at her brother's house, since they're coming to town to see his daughter). However, since the OP totally went over the top in her reaction (I could see crying all day if the daughter spit in her face, slapped her, told her she was a horrible mother and she wishes she was dead), the daughter will now keep her mouth shut, even if resentment keeps building.

Since the daughter went above and beyond with the flowers, I'm guessing she is used to keeping her feelings to herself, and the OP is not one who receives criticism well.

If I said those things to my mom, she wouldn't bat an eye (nevermind cry!). We see each other every day - we're going to drive each other crazy every now and then - no biggie!
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Old 02-08-2013, 09:58 AM   #83
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My mother is the queen of the martyr mothers and she wouldn't be "crying all day" over something like this. She would have likely told me to make my own damn coffee, myself. Which would have been FINE since I never asked her to make me coffee for the morning in the first place.

I'm still sensing a bit of overmothering going on. The OP 'wanted her daughter to have coffee in the morning' so she took it upon herself to make some. Maybe the daughter doesn't like coffee with water sitting out all night? Maybe her coffee maker is temperamental? Maybe she doesn't like her mother's coffee? Doesn't matter really. The point is, it seems that the daughter may feel a bit smothered when he parents are staying with her.

The daughter could have been stressed, tired. It was late. Maybe she just wanted to veg out on the couch and watch the shows she likes but couldn't because she had guests in her house? Maybe she just wanted to go to bed.

She may very well feel like a bed and breakfast if the OP is going down to see the granddaughter who isn't even the daughter's child. The OP just assumes that they will stay with the daughter. She may feel stuck running the hotel since she knows that the OP bought the house.

My mother believes that "asking questions" is showing that you care. She is always mad at me for not asking about her day or whatever. The thing is, she already told me about her day. Just because I didn't nosily pick for more details she thinks I don't care. Let her finish her story, let her tell you w/out interrupting to ask questions. The difference is, my mom doesn't cry if I tell her if she'd stop asking so many questions and let me finish the story she'd know the answers already.

This is such a minor blip. However, I do think the relationship may have to change a bit. OP, it is ok to let your adult children be adults. When visiting, you don't need to make sure they are taken care of by cooking favorite meals and making sure they have coffee.
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Old 02-08-2013, 10:09 AM   #84
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Originally Posted by JaneBanks View Post
I'm not trying to be insensitive but I really do not understand how something like this can change a mother - daughter relationship so drastically that it "will never be the same" and that the OP is considering never visiting again.

That sounds a little emotionally manipulative and guilt trippy to me but hey, it's just my opinion.
I can understand the OP feeling confused and hurt...
And, I do hope that she has calmed down.

But, to be honest, I also agree, very mucy, with what you are saying...
If the mother is still that upset and like "Well, I just wont go back... etc..." Then you are most definitely RIGHT.
Even 'things will never be the same.... <sigh>.... boo-hoo.....
Something is telling me that the OP expecting things to be the same as when she was parenting her child/young adult daughter... with the OP 'knowing what is best', jumping in, calling the shots, etc... is the root of all of the underlying issues here.

There is a name for it when woman are all 'mortally wounded' (emotionally manipulative) when anything does not go their way..
It is a huge control thing... Classic, really. It is called 'Falling on Knives'.

PS: and just a quick reply to LuvsJack... Not to start a personal discussion/argument or anything... But, to me, I don't care if it is 'just the darned coffee'. I think I am seeing a bigger picture here. And, sometimes it is the smallest straw that can break the camel's back... The smallest drop that can upset the bucket.

And.... DON'T BE MESSING WITH MY COFFEE!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!
I am remembering the recent thread where a poster said titled "Justifiable Homicide?", because her husband messed with her coffee!

Last edited by Wishing on a star; 02-08-2013 at 10:14 AM.
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Old 02-08-2013, 10:15 AM   #85
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I probably did overreact ,but she has never said anything like this to me before and it really hurt. I am not one that cries and especially I hate to have anyone see me cry. But if i say I will try to change things, I am a martyr, and that is not what I intend to be. I could be over mothering since we moved away from them, did not think of that. I guess I could be overcompensating and trying too hard? She has apologized to me and I apologized about the complaints she had about me. I can let it go at that. But if I say that things will never be the same, it means that maybe that is a good thing. Hope that makes some sense.
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Old 02-08-2013, 10:26 AM   #86
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Old 02-08-2013, 10:36 AM   #87
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Originally Posted by thumpersfriend View Post
I probably did overreact ,but she has never said anything like this to me before and it really hurt. I am not one that cries and especially I hate to have anyone see me cry. But if i say I will try to change things, I am a martyr, and that is not what I intend to be. I could be over mothering since we moved away from them, did not think of that. I guess I could be overcompensating and trying too hard? She has apologized to me and I apologized about the complaints she had about me. I can let it go at that. But if I say that things will never be the same, it means that maybe that is a good thing. Hope that makes some sense.
You did overreact, not probably.

She has NEVER said anything like that? I would have broken you in long ago, mom.

YES, it is a good thing. Hopefully now you can build a relationship with more reciprocity with getting along and being honest with each other without drama.
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Old 02-08-2013, 10:37 AM   #88
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Originally Posted by JaneBanks View Post
I'm not trying to be insensitive but I really do not understand how something like this can change a mother - daughter relationship so drastically that it "will never be the same" and that the OP is considering never visiting again.

That sounds a little emotionally manipulative and guilt trippy to me but hey, it's just my opinion.
ITA.

My mom is my best friend. She has been over at my house almost every day, ALL DAY for the past 7 months helping me with my twins. DH & I would be an absolute wreck without her... I don't know how we would have survived. I owe her SO much, love her to death & truly appreciate everything that she has done for me and my family. I wouldn't change her for the world.

That being said, it's a bit much to have her around all day, every day. We've gotten into a groove now, but there have been many days where it's a struggle to keep my mouth shut & not snap at her. And there's been days where the stress has been too much and I HAVE snapped at her. About things that are important to me AND trivial stupid crap too.

It would make me really, really sad to know that I can't have a bad moment with my mom without changing the entire dynamic of our relationship. If we can't blow up, make mistakes, look like heels with our family & still be loved every bit as much, then who can we make mistakes with??
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Old 02-08-2013, 10:49 AM   #89
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If she sent flowers and apologized, I would take that in the spirit in which it was offered.

My DDs live three blocks from us, and one or the other comes to "keep Mom company" (I call it "babysitting Mom") while Dad is in DC working, usually in four-month assignments.

The first week with each DD was interesting. I'm an early riser and I just couldn't get used to the fact that they were still in bed at 9:00 a.m. (if they were between jobs). I mentioned this to them and they reminded me that they still got all their chores done, and some of mine! If I had an early doctors's appointment (I don't drive) they were always ready to go in plenty of time, so I really didn't have a valid complaint.

I've learned that it doesn't make any difference whether the bed clothes are changed on Wednesday or Thursday, whether we have fish or pasta for dinner and whether I unload or load the dishwasher (neither loads like I do, but the dishes come out clean, so what do I care?)

If your DD feels like you're deliberately trying to out-do her in cooking, explain to her that these are your tried-and-true recipes, perfected over the years, and people ask you to make them. You'd be glad to share them with her, or maybe help her select a "signature" recipe for herself.

As far as the interrupting, I found that I did that too often. The girls just learned to stop talking immediately, which left me babbling to no one. I also found that I was asking questions that were none of my business, so now if I want the answer to a question that's none of my business, I say "Feel free to tell me this is none of my business, but..." Sometimes they do say that, but usually they'll tell me what I want to know.

I feel so lucky to have such a good relationship with each of my DDs and with my granddaughter (and her boyfriend even feels comfortable calling me "G-Ma!"). I can feel the pain for those who don't.

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Old 02-08-2013, 11:08 AM   #90
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You did overreact, not probably.

She has NEVER said anything like that? I would have broken you in long ago, mom.

YES, it is a good thing. Hopefully now you can build a relationship with more reciprocity with getting along and being honest with each other without drama.
I totally 100% agree with this.
I have had my own run ins,as a child and an adult.
I have a habit of speaking first,thinking later,lol! Better out than in,not always true.
Been working on it though

My own mother,whilst being a very kind lady and loving,is extremely on the edge,and can never take anything said,if she doesn't agree.

It's literally her way or the highway.she also brings up past events,even though they are supposedly done and dusted.
A favourite line is,I'm never going to mention this again,but......
I learned long ago trying to communicate on a level playing field was not an option.
We do not share the same views on hardly anything- but that said,she is my mom,I love her and can't imagine life without her.

Op-real love and communication go hand in hand,you should both be able to discuss issues,without hopefully feeling so low and build your relationship through this.
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