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Old 02-07-2013, 03:44 PM   #31
Teresa Pitman
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You mention you were making morning coffee - so I'm guessing she hadn't had her coffee yet? Believe me, I have many friends that it is NOT a good idea to have a conversation with before they've had that coffee. Maybe that's all it was, and once she got a good dose of caffeine in her she felt bad and so sent you the flowers. I'd try to forget about it.

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Old 02-07-2013, 03:45 PM   #32
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I am appreciating all this advice and insight, really did not have anyone I wanted to share this with that knows my daughter. Too private between us. Maybe she does feel upset that we bought her home, she did the down payment and pays everything and I forget that she doesn't legally own it. I comment all the time what great taste she has etc. Also I am always telling her how proud I am of her. But maybe this is the problem, the house. My granddaughter has autism and my daughter (her aunt) is so awesome with her. She is my only grandchild. So my daughter loves to have her over and

we all have a great time, so I know she is not jealous of her.
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Old 02-07-2013, 03:48 PM   #33
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Family arguments are awful. Hearing things about ourselves and our behavior can be a real punch in the gut. Even if those things may not all be true she feels that way for some reason. I would take what she said; humble myself and reflect on whether some of those things were valid and something I need to work on. I'm not saying it is easy but we can all be prideful at times.

The fact that she said she was sorry and sent flowers certainly is an olive branch. She obviously loves you and maybe some of those things she was bothered with came from being in each others space for awhile. You know what they say, " what do fish and company have in common? They both start stinking after two days!"

I would have an honest conversation with her when you are in a better place and you both might find your relationship stronger than ever! You will work it out.
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Old 02-07-2013, 03:48 PM   #34
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Originally Posted by thumpersfriend View Post
I am appreciating all this advice and insight, really did not have anyone I wanted to share this with that knows my daughter. Too private between us. Maybe she does feel upset that we bought her home, she did the down payment and pays everything and I forget that she doesn't legally own it. I comment all the time what great taste she has etc. Also I am always telling her how proud I am of her. But maybe this is the problem, the house. My granddaughter has autism and my daughter (her aunt) is so awesome with her. She is my only grandchild. So my daughter loves to have her over and

we all have a great time, so I know she is not jealous of her.
So, the grandchild isn't her child? I agree with a previous poster. Maybe she's a little tired of you treating the house like a B&B every few weeks.
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Old 02-07-2013, 03:58 PM   #35
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I hope she does not think we think of her place as a B&B! Often when we go down it is because she asks us down because she has projects for her dad or myself, so it is an extra trip and we can see our granddaughter. This would be a bad thing if she thought ,that but you could be right. My husband does not want to go down now at all, he was very upset also but doesn't express it like I do.
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Old 02-07-2013, 03:59 PM   #36
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I sometimes get irritated with little things my mother say and does, but I would never speak to her the way your daughter spoke to you. That said, she did apologize and send flowers, so she knows she was out of line. I think you have to let it go.

I would talk to your daughter (after an appropriate cooling off period) about your every-6-weeks visits. Ask if you are imposing or if she would like you to stay at a hotel instead.
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Old 02-07-2013, 04:02 PM   #37
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Agreed!

OP, relationships can be tricky and anytime there are humans involved, we get hurt.

I am really hoping you can get past this with her and let it go and not have to feel like it will never be repaired again.



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The OP's feelings were hurt. Even if some folks don't think it's worth being upset over, they are her feelings and are therefore valid.
OP, no answers for a cranky daughter, just
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Old 02-07-2013, 04:05 PM   #38
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My adult daughter who is 36, divorced was so nasty to me this past week-end and really took the wind out of my sails. I have been crying and can't seem to get past it yet. She sent me flowers and apologized but I am still upset.

It started when we were visiting for a few days and I was making coffee for morning and she wanted me to do it differently and said if I couldn't do it the way she wanted we could go stay with my son and dil instead. I was shocked and the next day I couldn't stop crying. She could tell I was upset but then she had to tell me the things about me that drive her crazy. Says I interrupt and ask too many questions, or ask stupid questions. Also says that I try to one up her when there are get togethers and bring a dish to pass. I now am afraid to say anything to her and have it be the wrong thing. Anyone have this type of experience and have any words of wisdom, I am 63 years old and usually fairly well liked and respected.

I did ask her if anything new was going on in her life and she said no and not to make this about her. We usually werevery close.
Can I ask why you felt the need to mention she was divorced?

My mom and I are in the same age frame as you and your daughter. She is starting to drive me crazy too. I just told her straight up, my house my rules. She, too, cried. I just don't get the drama. Should I have to (your daughter as well) not say anything for fear of hurting your feelings? I actually had the conversation with my mother just this morning about how she interrupts. It is rude. I was trying to have a conversation with my own DD10 and she kept interrupting when both of us were talking. I kindly asked her to stop interrupting so I could finish my sentence. To which she replied, "well, excuse me for talking." Again, rude. Since I was a child, I have not been a morning person. Yet, she wants to have these deep conversations with my every morning. I try to tell her nicely that I am just not a morning person but she doesn't listen. She watches my children when I go to work so I see her every day though.

Just because she had a disagreement with you just not mean she disrespects you. Maybe she respects you enough to want to have a conversation with you?

In either case, talk to her but no need to cry. Talk to her like you are both adults. Good luck.
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Old 02-07-2013, 04:07 PM   #39
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What does her being divorced matter? Stuff like that, maybe you are harping on something and she got mad?

Either way she sent flowers and said sorry.. What else do you want?

Mountain, mole hill, that whole thing.
That was my first observation. That the OP mentioned that he daughter was divorced. Why is that relevant? Then the house thing....ugh.

Based on my own experience getting divorced, could you be doing a little too much "mothering?" A little too involved in everything. Yes, during the divorce your daughter likely needed you to listen, to offer support, she even may have needed you to take care of things. Has it been awhile? She is likely healing, moving on and reestablishing herself. When you get divorced EVERYTHING changes. You change. It is a rough road because your entire identity shifts, your vision of yourself and your future has to be reestablished. The level of support needed lessens as you heal and become more confident.

I know with my own mother, in her quest to make sure I'm ok...she asks A LOT of questions. I understand she doesn't want to see me hurt but the play by play is unnecessary and tiresome.

In this situation it seems you brought more drama into it. You cried all day? You can't stop crying over this? Even after she apologized AND sent flowers?

It is extremely disruptive to have house guests every 6 weeks. They invade your space, upset your routine. The house is a sticky situation. I'm guessing that decision was made at the most tumultuous time in her life. Mention it or not, she KNOWS you own that house. I'm sure has emotions wrapped up in that.

Accept the apology and MOVE ON. Spread out the visits a bit and split the burden between both your children.
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Old 02-07-2013, 04:17 PM   #40
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The only reason I mentioned that she was divorced is so you all knew that a husband was not involved. Actually I was behind her 100% with the divorce. It is true that we don't like to hear negative things about ourselves. I will have to work them out but I really feel that I will not be able to be myself and will always be on edge and say the wrong thing. I get so excited to see them that maybe I do talk too much or interrupt so i can get more information. I honestly did not realize that I did that. But , the kids love my cooking and so I like to make their favorite dishes but won't be able to do that anymore because she thinks that I am upstaging her. That was a shocker to me. I love my daughter and she has the biggest heart, and I am very proud of that.

We are asked to come down to visit, and since we are only 2 hours away it is usually only overnight. But we can make it day trips I guess. I'm starting to feel a little better now.
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Old 02-07-2013, 04:18 PM   #41
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Sorry, duplicate post.

Last edited by mdsoccermom; 02-07-2013 at 04:20 PM. Reason: Duplicate post
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Old 02-07-2013, 04:41 PM   #42
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ccgirl View Post
Can I ask why you felt the need to mention she was divorced?

My mom and I are in the same age frame as you and your daughter. She is starting to drive me crazy too. I just told her straight up, my house my rules. She, too, cried. I just don't get the drama. Should I have to (your daughter as well) not say anything for fear of hurting your feelings? I actually had the conversation with my mother just this morning about how she interrupts. It is rude. I was trying to have a conversation with my own DD10 and she kept interrupting when both of us were talking. I kindly asked her to stop interrupting so I could finish my sentence. To which she replied, "well, excuse me for talking." Again, rude. Since I was a child, I have not been a morning person. Yet, she wants to have these deep conversations with my every morning. I try to tell her nicely that I am just not a morning person but she doesn't listen. She watches my children when I go to work so I see her every day though.

Just because she had a disagreement with you just not mean she disrespects you. Maybe she respects you enough to want to have a conversation with you?

In either case, talk to her but no need to cry. Talk to her like you are both adults. Good luck.
I like this post!!! Fortunately, I don't have much experience with this. My parents only minorly get on my nerves. I have found it best to tell them right away. If I try to keep it in, I start getting cranky and then I am more apt to behave like your daughter did, by being snappy.

That said, my best friend has two lovely parents. They come to visit her once or twice a year. During that time my friend is nearly driven insane. Her parents are terrible guests. They have no boundaries. I won't even go into all the things they do but my friend is a basketcase by the time they leave. Over the years, she is getting better about telling them but has bottled it up for so long.

I think it's terrible that close family members have to fear making someone cry when they are trying to express that you might be doing something bothersome. Certainly your daughter should not have snapped at you. But I think you have to cut her some slack. She did know she came off badly. I also think that you need to examine your behaviors in her home. It seems to be a common factor that visiting parents seem to be absolutely clueless about their behaviors when they stay with their grown children.
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Old 02-07-2013, 04:43 PM   #43
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I just had this flashback to the one and only time I tried to cook Thanksgiving dinner for my Mother.

My husband refers to it as "The 2005 gravy incident."
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Old 02-07-2013, 04:45 PM   #44
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Wow, I have to say as a mom to adult daughters that some of the responses hurt me. I pray my daughters don't feel about me like that. OP, I feel for you and hope things improve.
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Old 02-07-2013, 04:53 PM   #45
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Do you pay your mother to watch your child every day while you work? If not, be thankful you have a mother who will watch her. I don't have one who would do that.

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Quote:
Originally Posted by ccgirl View Post
Can I ask why you felt the need to mention she was divorced?

My mom and I are in the same age frame as you and your daughter. She is starting to drive me crazy too. I just told her straight up, my house my rules. She, too, cried. I just don't get the drama. Should I have to (your daughter as well) not say anything for fear of hurting your feelings? I actually had the conversation with my mother just this morning about how she interrupts. It is rude. I was trying to have a conversation with my own DD10 and she kept interrupting when both of us were talking. I kindly asked her to stop interrupting so I could finish my sentence. To which she replied, "well, excuse me for talking." Again, rude. Since I was a child, I have not been a morning person. Yet, she wants to have these deep conversations with my every morning. I try to tell her nicely that I am just not a morning person but she doesn't listen. She watches my children when I go to work so I see her every day though.

Just because she had a disagreement with you just not mean she disrespects you. Maybe she respects you enough to want to have a conversation with you?

In either case, talk to her but no need to cry. Talk to her like you are both adults. Good luck.
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