Adult daughter nasty to me this week-end

[Chernabog#1fan]

I have not read all of the posts, but am surprised at the number of people who seem to think that when their mom is over and cleans, it is a bad thing. My mom stays over every once in a while and I am always appreciative of the help she gives. We work full time, take care of the kids and emotional needs they have, and my husband and I are plain exhausted more times than not. She is not trying to do it to take over our house, but to free up some time for us.

This thread has me remembering the one about an email that went to band parents and how people thought the worst in the teacher. When can we as a society appreciate people wanting to help or asking for help?

[Granny square]

Lol, every time my mom or my mil tried to help, I swear they hide everything! I can't find stuff or a week. So I always make a cup or pour a glass of their favorite beverage and suggest they keep me company while I deal with be stuff.

Oh! And they both keep every leftover down to a couple of tablespoons of mashed potatoes. My fridge is stuffed full of little containers or baggies...

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, it really is all about attitude and intent.
Not just about helping.

With too many mothers/MILs, the attitude and intent is to over-involve themselves... do it 'my way', because my way is the right way... Show superiority, make the DD/DIL to be less than adequate, etc...

There is a fine line there, and, unfortunately, many mothers/MILs know just how to play it.

Either way, it is the daughters house... PERIOD.
It is the daughters house.

If the OP has stepped in and done anything.... vacuuming, making coffee, cooking, interrupting, etc.... before making absolutely certain that her daughter was comfortable and that she had some kind of permission. (even if just clearly implied) That is, without a doubt 'overstepping'.

I can remember when, years ago, I and my husband kept my sister's young children for a few days, mostly in their home... So, nope, not just a visit... but, myself being left in total charge.... Nope, I didn't re-arrange her kitchen, change her coffee, re-fold her underwear... She made it clear that even though the house could def. have used a lot of attention at that time, that she really didn't me to be messing with anything. Yes, I did the basics, as I felt I needed too... Washed dishes, vacuumed... And, even then, because her personal feelings, I think it was hard for her not to feel that I had overstepped... With some people they are not as comfortable, and it is easily to feel their space is kind of violated.

This would be her right...
This would be the OP's daughter's right.

It is not the OP's right to step in unless it is welcomed.

We all know about 'the best of intentions...'

[thumpersfriend]

Hu all,
I want to let you know that I am doing so much better. Time and insights from all of you have been so helpful, I can't believe you all took the time to help me.

My daughter and I are going to be fine and I look forward to many years of being her mom and friend.

I am amazed how relationships with your moms have made you who you are, whether good relationships or bad, I think it shows alot.
I hope for some of you. that you never have to hear what I heard from my daughter ,and if you do just remember some of the things you said to me.

For those of you who really showed understanding. I really appreciated it so much. This is for the daughters also who I am sure are wonderful mothers. And to the daughters who lost their moms and would give anything to just spend one more minute with them.

Thanks again to all of you.

[padams]

[sasywtch]

Originally Posted by EllaM

My mom once told me the reason some women fight so much is because: There can be only one queen in the kingdom. That's the way it is to some women. They are so caught up in their own insecurities they go all Wicked Stepmother and assume the only way to be the "fairest of them all" is to put down the upstarts. The result is they always make the person they are berating feel like they are in the wrong. It is extremely childish and very wrong. However, some women just haven't grown beyond their teen years.

thumpersfriend don't listen to the negativity here. Truth is your daughter screwed up. She knows it. Now it is up to her to make it right. You're giving her the chance. That's what mom's do: give their kids endless second chances. Just remember something else my mom taught me: healthy relationships are based on mutual respect and honesty. Remember your hurt feelings are just as important as your daughter's. I hope you can work it out.

And for all the posters griping about their moms in this thread, let me join the chorus of motherless people to tell you to grow up and get over yourself. Truth is it really doesn't matter how one makes coffee or where the coats are hung. That's a bunch of childish drama. Unless your mother was a callous hurtful person who made you wish you were raised by wolves instead, believe me when your mother is dead and buried you'll be willing to sell your soul for a chance to have another motherly lecture. Or better yet ask yourself how you'd feel if your daughter did or said that to you?

OMgoodness, I thought it was just me so I was keeping my mouth shut. I can't help but wonder if some of the "I hate my MIL" threads come from here also.

Sure there are the mothers and MIL's who say to your face, I don't like the way you do things, my way is better but a lot on here, I read it more of the daughter/daughter in law's perception of what she thinks the intentions are.
Making coffee? Why go the negative and assume it's becaue you don't do it well enough? Perhaps, they feel funny staying there and want to do something to help???

Don't vacuum? I'd say that's a daughter/DIL perception unless a mother/MIL specifically says you don't do it well.

I learned early on with my DIL. One night I was babysitting (they had one child at the time) and did dishes and mopped the kitchen. She thought the same thing until my son said something to me. I talked to her and told her I get bored and it had nothing to do with her house but that I wanted to help her so she didn't have to do it later. The intent was good but she immediately went to the negative. Now, that they have more than 1 child she is a happy camper if I do dishes or anything while they are out and I'm babysitting. (I don't re-arrange and tell her things should go differently though). They both work full time, have 2 kids, baseball, wrestling so she welcomes any and all help now.

[EMom]

Originally Posted by EllaM

My mom once told me the reason some women fight so much is because: There can be only one queen in the kingdom. That's the way it is to some women. They are so caught up in their own insecurities they go all Wicked Stepmother and assume the only way to be the "fairest of them all" is to put down the upstarts. The result is they always make the person they are berating feel like they are in the wrong. It is extremely childish and very wrong. However, some women just haven't grown beyond their teen years.

thumpersfriend don't listen to the negativity here. Truth is your daughter screwed up. She knows it. Now it is up to her to make it right. You're giving her the chance. That's what mom's do: give their kids endless second chances. Just remember something else my mom taught me: healthy relationships are based on mutual respect and honesty. Remember your hurt feelings are just as important as your daughter's. I hope you can work it out.

And for all the posters griping about their moms in this thread, let me join the chorus of motherless people to tell you to grow up and get over yourself. Truth is it really doesn't matter how one makes coffee or where the coats are hung. That's a bunch of childish drama. Unless your mother was a callous hurtful person who made you wish you were raised by wolves instead, believe me when your mother is dead and buried you'll be willing to sell your soul for a chance to have another motherly lecture. Or better yet ask yourself how you'd feel if your daughter did or said that to you?

That's God's honest truth.

[intheworks]

Originally Posted by EMom

That's God's honest truth.

[Yardbird]

Originally Posted by thumpersfriend

. I have been crying and can't seem to get past it yet.

I was shocked and the next day I couldn't stop crying. She could tell I was upset but then she had to tell me the things about me that drive her crazy. Says I interrupt and ask too many questions, or ask stupid questions. Also says that I try to one up her when there are get togethers and bring a dish to pass.

I did ask her if anything new was going on in her life and she said no and not to make this about her. We usually werevery close.

She hurt your feelings, and I understand that you were upset, but If I was your daughter, the continuous crying would have annoyed me. Too much drama, perhaps manipulation? This sounds like a good opportunity to listen to what she has to say. Be open to the possibility that she could be right. I'm not saying that she is, but be open.

[thumpersfriend]

Hi yardbird,
I did not cry constantly. We left for our home about and hour later so it definately was not manipulation. But I did cry while I was alone. So no manipulation there.

[Buckalew11]

Originally Posted by Chernabog#1fan

I have not read all of the posts, but am surprised at the number of people who seem to think that when their mom is over and cleans, it is a bad thing. My mom stays over every once in a while and I am always appreciative of the help she gives. We work full time, take care of the kids and emotional needs they have, and my husband and I are plain exhausted more times than not. She is not trying to do it to take over our house, but to free up some time for us.

This thread has me remembering the one about an email that went to band parents and how people thought the worst in the teacher. When can we as a society appreciate people wanting to help or asking for help?

I have no problem with ANYONE wanting to come in and run the vacuum at my house. I welcome any help. (Even if they do not do it "right", ) My dad would always sweep outside the shop door (with a broom) and he'd always say, "You really should sweep this every day." And then, "You really should hang your broom up--it won't ruin that way." Honestly, I remember this getting on my nerves (mostly the "you really should..." part) but hey, have at it, Dad.

I do think many people do not like "help" because of many reasons, that's why I said "step away from the vacuum". But hey, if thumpersfriend comes to my house, she is welcome to use mine!

Originally Posted by thumpersfriend

Hi yardbird,
I did not cry constantly. We left for our home about and hour later so it definately was not manipulation. But I did cry while I was alone. So no manipulation there.

thumpersfriend... People are only going to read parts (or page 1 or 2) of a long thread like this. You're going to be repeating yourself over and over and over...my advice, don't try to keep up with telling people the same thing over and over...you and your daughter are working this out, sent flowers even and apologized. Continue to let yourself heal up and move forward--don't get caught up in this thread and the much projection being put on it. Tons of issues between daughters and mothers and DILs and MILs around here.

Let's just be happy this one has a happy ending.

[TLSnell1981]

Originally Posted by thumpersfriend

Hi yardbird,
I did not cry constantly. We left for our home about and hour later so it definately was not manipulation. But I did cry while I was alone. So no manipulation there.

I'm a weeper, but prefer to cry alone...so I get it. I'm happy things are better.

[Wishing on a star]

Originally Posted by Buckalew11

thumpersfriend... People are only going to read parts (or page 1 or 2) of a long thread like this. You're going to be repeating yourself over and over and over...my advice, don't try to keep up with telling people the same thing over and over...you and your daughter are working this out, sent flowers even and apologized. Continue to let yourself heal up and move forward--don't get caught up in this thread and the much projection being put on it. Tons of issues between daughters and mothers and DILs and MILs around here.

Let's just be happy this one has a happy ending.

Yes, this!

[aristocatz]

Originally Posted by Chernabog#1fan

I have not read all of the posts, but am surprised at the number of people who seem to think that when their mom is over and cleans, it is a bad thing. My mom stays over every once in a while and I am always appreciative of the help she gives. We work full time, take care of the kids and emotional needs they have, and my husband and I are plain exhausted more times than not. She is not trying to do it to take over our house, but to free up some time for us.

This thread has me remembering the one about an email that went to band parents and how people thought the worst in the teacher. When can we as a society appreciate people wanting to help or asking for help?

I have not read all the posts either, but I LOVE when my mom cleans when she comes to visit-we keep our house pretty clean, but with dreaded white tiles in the kitchen & hallway that get dirty as soon as you walk on them & my dad taking over the bathroom & throwing towels around, I really do appreciate my mom cleaning up.

.....It's when she starts picking through the fridge and pantry and commenting on the calories & fat in the foods we buy (which are generally healthy, but my mom is obsessed with dieting & if it's not 100% fat free, sugar free, calorie free, taste free, it does not get her seal of approval) that I clench my fists and bite my tongue-drives me nuts when she does that!! I guess everyone has their pet peeves with their mothers....

[Jubilee]

Originally Posted by Chernabog#1fan

I have not read all of the posts, but am surprised at the number of people who seem to think that when their mom is over and cleans, it is a bad thing. My mom stays over every once in a while and I am always appreciative of the help she gives. We work full time, take care of the kids and emotional needs they have, and my husband and I are plain exhausted more times than not. She is not trying to do it to take over our house, but to free up some time for us.

I wish my mom would do this. It's the opposite though. She has health issues, and when I go over there, I usually find myself loading the dishwasher or vacuuming.

However, I get that daughters can internalize and overanalyze their mother's intentions and take it very personal. I'm sure it is a little bit of a their mom wanting the best for them (in terms of her opinion of the best--and wanting to tell you about her own experiences to try and teach you--which can be an eyeroll fest) and also a mix of the daughter herself feeling a doubt and then having her mother make her feel bad by sort of reenforcing that bad feeling about ourselves rather than uplifting. Being a daughter and a mother of daughters, I have thought about this so much. Like so many women, I am thinking, "I will never do this to my daughters" but I know I'm not special to think that.....