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Old 02-13-2013, 03:33 PM   #1
dakcp2001
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Is this a real "thing" ? Or is my family crazy?

My sister got married a little over a year ago, she eloped. Mostly she eloped because my mom tried to take over the entire wedding, tried to change the venue and change the dresses etc. My sister is a no frills kind of gal and got overwhelmed. Anyway, now she is pregnant. I was thinking my mom would throw her a shower. I actually thought my mom would love the opportunity to throw the party she wanted to throw for the wedding. Well my mother has informed me that it is "embarrassing" to have a baby shower for someone who did not have a wedding. She said it is tacky and looks like a gift grab. She said she will not go or participate because she is "humiliated and embarrassed" that we would have a shower after not inviting anyone to a wedding. In my opinion, one thing does not correlate with the other. I am going to have to throw a baby shower from out of state.

Is this a real thing? I suspect it is just my mother being mad about the lack of wedding still.
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Old 02-13-2013, 03:35 PM   #2
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I'm going to vote that your mother is nutty
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Old 02-13-2013, 03:37 PM   #3
dakcp2001
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Originally Posted by NHdisneylover View Post
I'm going to vote that your mother is nutty
Yup that is nothing new.
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Old 02-13-2013, 03:37 PM   #4
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I agree, your mother is angry about the wedding/elopement and is trying to punish your sister. Very passive aggressive.
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Old 02-13-2013, 03:38 PM   #5
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I think you mom is still upset over the wedding and is making up wacky reasons to make the baby shower difficult. No such rule. What about all the baby showers for woman who aren't married?!?! If I were you I'd throw the shower if mom is going to be such a pain.
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Old 02-13-2013, 03:41 PM   #6
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It sounds like your mom hasn't gotten over the wedding yet. She didn't get her way then, so she's acting out now.
It'll probably fall to you or friends to throw the shower- which your sister definitely should have.
Hopefully your mom will get over it and come to the shower.
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Old 02-13-2013, 03:42 PM   #7
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Sorry I don't get moms like that. Sounds extremely selfish of her. After trying to hijack the wedding, she now refuses to participate in her future grandbabies shower all because your sister didn't want to be part of her hijacking her own wedding. What a piece of work. I guess with your mom everything has to be about "her" ugh?
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Old 02-13-2013, 03:46 PM   #8
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Just tell her to do it and to word the invitation like so:

It's time for a baby shower!!
(And by the way, yes they are married and were married at the time of conception)



You're mom's feelings were hurt, and she is being unreasonable.

I'm not saying it's how I would feel, but I could see someone being embarrassed or irritated about throwing a baby shower if the parents were not married. Or if this was a second or third baby. But not if it's a first child, the couple IS married, and they WERE already married a the time of conception . What style of wedding (big, little, elopement, civil ceremony, or whatever) doesn't mean a thing when it comes to a baby shower.
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Old 02-13-2013, 03:47 PM   #9
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Extremely passive aggressive. And honestly, if she's as much a self-serving drama queen as she sounds, it might actually be a perk if she doesn't attend the baby shower.

That being said, it's actually a breach of traditional etiquette for an immediate family member to throw a baby shower. But as with many things, times change, and I have seen it done many times (though not by a mother -- it's always been a sister or sister-in-law).
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Old 02-13-2013, 03:52 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by branv View Post
Extremely passive aggressive. And honestly, if she's as much a self-serving drama queen as she sounds, it might actually be a perk if she doesn't attend the baby shower.

That being said, it's actually a breach of traditional etiquette for an immediate family member to throw a baby shower. But as with many things, times change, and I have seen it done many times (though not by a mother -- it's always been a sister or sister-in-law).
I was going to say that! But that does give you (OP) or your sister the perfect opportunity to say "fine, be that way, you're not supposed to host a shower anyway."

Congrats to your sister!
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Old 02-13-2013, 03:54 PM   #11
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It's a very, very old-fashioned thing from the days when some people used to count on their fingers and there was a stigma about having to get married. I remember an actual book in my middle school library entitled "Too Bad About the Haynes Girl" or something like that.

Mom is definitely upset about the wedding. Hopefully she is not shunnig your sister entirely and Mom will behave from here on out rather than have no relationship with her daughter and grandchild. You can only do the best you can to be there for your sister.

When I was having kids eons ago, it was considered bad form for family members to give one another showers unless it was strictly a shower for family with only family as guests. It was considered a gift grab. Registries were only for brides, not mothers to be. Nowadays it seems like most showers are given by family, and it's odd to have one without a registry at two or three different stores.

Have fun planning and having the shower. Hopefully Mom will get over it and come and have a good time, or not come but get over it just the same. Hugs to you.
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Old 02-13-2013, 03:58 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dakcp2001 View Post
My sister got married a little over a year ago, she eloped. Mostly she eloped because my mom tried to take over the entire wedding, tried to change the venue and change the dresses etc. My sister is a no frills kind of gal and got overwhelmed. Anyway, now she is pregnant. I was thinking my mom would throw her a shower. I actually thought my mom would love the opportunity to throw the party she wanted to throw for the wedding. Well my mother has informed me that it is "embarrassing" to have a baby shower for someone who did not have a wedding. She said it is tacky and looks like a gift grab. She said she will not go or participate because she is "humiliated and embarrassed" that we would have a shower after not inviting anyone to a wedding. In my opinion, one thing does not correlate with the other. I am going to have to throw a baby shower from out of state.

Is this a real thing? I suspect it is just my mother being mad about the lack of wedding still.


Honey, your family is crazy. There was a wedding. (Mine is crazy too so we're good.)
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Old 02-13-2013, 04:02 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lorelei Lee View Post
I agree, your mother is angry about the wedding/elopement and is trying to punish your sister. Very passive aggressive.
Ding ding ding! Your mom needs to just get over it if she ever expects to be welcome in her grandchild's life. If she doesn't want to have a shower, she doens't have to. But that shouldn't stop the rest of you for celebrating your sister's delight.

ETA: I very nearly eloped. My mom wanted to get in there and take over. The final straw was when she tried to start a shouting match with me over my decision to NOT have a soloist. DH and I planned and paid for every last thing and the last thing we needed was her drama. In the end, we ditched our date, chose a new date 2 weeks away, and scaled back the wedding dramatically. My mom was disappointed, and she predicted that it wouldn't last. It's been 32 years, so I guess she was wrong. But I always thought it was a shame that she had to create all that drama, when it could have been a really nice mother-daughter event.
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Old 02-13-2013, 04:04 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by JessB320 View Post
I think you mom is still upset over the wedding and is making up wacky reasons to make the baby shower difficult. No such rule. What about all the baby showers for woman who aren't married?!?! If I were you I'd throw the shower if mom is going to be such a pain.
Agreed.
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Old 02-13-2013, 04:09 PM   #15
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I believe it's in the Constitution now that mothers of adult children are certifiably bonkers.
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