Spinoff of the Special Snowflake Thread - Your Biggest Parenting Regret (Babies)

[JennaDeeDooDah]

Originally Posted by DisneyATlast

I'll pass on Dr. Laura. I'll just wait for the DIS'ers to find their new target which is probably happening already or will be in about....3....2....1...

And that's your choice. I agree that your son is likely not in any real danger, but I do think that he is in an odd situation. I think that your husband could benefit from talking to someone. You said that your son will tell you husband that he wants to sleep in his own room and your husband will talk him into sleeping in your bed. Other times, your son wants to sleep in his own bed and your husband will wait until he falls asleep and then carry him into your bed. There is a reason for this. There is a reason that your husband is not respecting your child's wishes. I don't know if it is comfort, fear of something happening to your son, or what, but there is a reason for it and he needs to face those reasons.

[Janepod]

Originally Posted by DisneyATlast

Are you mental?

I know many people on this forum have expressed that they have separate bedrooms and don't even sleep with their spouse. So, maybe I should clarify that it's ME, our SIX year old son (not 13 year old), and my husband sleeping in the SAME queen sized bed.

Danger? Get real. I have a degree in early childhood development and a bachelor's in nursing. If I can sleep in a queen sized bed with my son in the middle and not know there's "danger" then I would need to be shot.

Of course, I'm being judged by people who don't sleep in the same beds or even rooms as their spouses, don't let their children cry, and think that men serving as banks while they play parent is "normal."

Well, I wouldn't post something on a message board if I wasn't comfortable being judged about it. Such is the nature of the Internet.

If you really have a degree in early childhood development, you must know that developing boundaries is an important skill/milestone for children. So is autonomy over one's own body. Your son is trying to set boundaries (reasonable, normal boundaries) and your husband is disregarding that, with your support. Don't you want your child to know how to have personal boundaries, to know how to say to people that he doesn't want to be touched? How do you expect him to develop this important skill if you are not setting a good example at home? What if someone else wants to touch him inappropriately? Do you think he will feel confident enough to say no if his wishes are disregarded by his own parents, in his own home?

[JennaDeeDooDah]

Originally Posted by DisneyATlast

Wow, a shimmer of logic.

He thinks it's too cold in his room for one thing. It is cold in his room, but I'm sure that's not the only reason. It's probably a mixture of wanting to hold him because he doesn't see him all day when he's working. Some men miss their kids. There might be a little "fear of something happening" to him too. I'm only making assumptions.

I know for sure that I'm not an itty bitty thing and with 3 people in a queen sized bed + a dog...you'd have to be paralyzed not to feel someone pull the blanket, much less miss someone being abused. Once again, if he were older than I might lean towards creepy, but at 6...I don't see it as creepy at all. "Co-sleeping" which is exactly what it is actually is very common. It's also very controversial and people get heated over it. I didn't realize what I thought was a simple comment amongst other comments was going to start a battle. I'm seeing a trend though.

I don't think it is the co-sleeping that is causing the controversy. At least, that isn't what caught my attention. I think the thing that caused a red flag for most people was that your son says he wants to sleep in his room and your husband doesn't take that as an answer. He will beg and convince your son to sleep in your bed when your son has already expressed a desire to be in his own bed. Or, your husband will take him our of his room and bring him to your bed. Co-sleeping is for comfort of the child. In the situation you described, it is for the comfort of your grown husband. That's what concerned people.

[U2_rocks!]

Originally Posted by Janepod

Well, I wouldn't post something on a message board if I wasn't comfortable being judged about it. Such is the nature of the Internet.

If you really have a degree in early childhood development, you must know that developing boundaries is an important skill/milestone for children. So is autonomy over one's own body. Your son is trying to set boundaries (reasonable, normal boundaries) and your husband is disregarding that, with your support. Don't you want your child to know how to have personal boundaries, to know how to say to people that he doesn't want to be touched? How do you expect him to develop this important skill if you are not setting a good example at home? What if someone else wants to touch him inappropriately? Do you think he will feel confident enough to say no if his wishes are disregarded by his own parents, in his own home?

This is the "danger" I see. My mind just doesn't tend toward assuming the dad might molest the child (that's a worse case scenario) - but if he is consistently disregarding the son's wishes and convincing the son that he really would prefer to be in dad's bed (when the son hadn't planned to be), that is teaching the son things that could be dangerous in the long run.

I understand that dad misses son and wants to spend some time with him in physical contact. That's an issue that needs to be solved, but "dragging" son into bed with him at night isn't the best solution. If dad can't get home earlier, can they maybe have some early morning time instead? Or can he make up for it as much as possible on dad's days off?

[cabanafrau]

Originally Posted by JennaDeeDooDah

I don't think it is the co-sleeping that is causing the problem. At least, that isn't what caught my attention. I think the thing that caused a red flag for most people was that your son says he wants to sleep in his room and your husband doesn't take that as an answer. He will beg and convince your son to sleep in your bed when your son has already expressed a desire to be in his own bed. Or, your husband will take him our of his room and bring him to your bed. Co-sleeping is for comfort of the child. In the situation you described, it is for the comfort of your grown husband. That's what concerned people.

Another glimmer of logic.

I'm also logically wondering if the daughter's room is warm enough, the son has ever even complained he cannot sleep because he's too cold, or if dad misses the daughter while he's at work all day. I've heard lots to logically clue me in about what dad needs.

[Janepod]

Originally Posted by DisneyATlast

... nobody thinks there's anything weird about mothers sleeping with their children or even spouses having separate bedrooms. Go figure.

That's not the issue. The issue is that your son has repeatedly said he does not want to, but your husband insists on it for his own selfish reasons. A mother forcing a daughter to share her bed against the daughter's wishes would seem creepy and weird too.

[Nik's Mom]

I'm not trying to be mean, but the more you try to defend your husband, the worse it makes it sound.

[cabanafrau]

Originally Posted by DisneyATlast

My daughter's room is warm. My son's room is colder than any room in the house. I don't know why. It just is. Does he complain about the temperature? No. He wouldn't complain if we let him wear shorts when it's snowing either. He refuses to cover up with blankets. If you cover him when he's asleep, he kicks the blankets off immediately. I personally think if he was cold enough then he'd cover up. My husband worries about him being cold though. Either way, I don't see it as a big deal really. Plus, I think it's a factor in why he doesn't want him to sleep in his room, but not the only factor. He misses him.

My daughter did sleep in the bed with us for a long time. She was trained to sleep in her own bed as an infant, started sleeping with us when she was a baby/toddler, and went back to her own room around 5 years old because I got tired of being kicked. She'll sleep with us every blue moon (if I tell her to crawl in bed so we can talk/cuddle and we just fall asleep) but she's older/bigger, is fine sleeping on her own, and our queen bed is just too crowded for my liking with 4 people and a dog. The bed was a lot bigger when they were 2 and 4. I'm probably about to kick my son out too because he kicks more/harder as he gets bigger. He can sleep on the couch for all I care.

OR..my husband could go sleep in our son's room and my son could stay in the bed with me. There would be enough room that way, and nobody thinks there's anything weird about mothers sleeping with their children or even spouses having separate bedrooms. Go figure.

For the record, I have not and will not support my opinion with the factors you mentioned in your closing remarks, nor have I even expressed criticism of co-sleeping in general.

I do urge you to consider this, grooming frequently takes a very long time, even years. I've got far more evidence, legally admissible evidence, than anybody would ever care to hear that backs that statement up.

[wvjules]

Originally Posted by DisneyATlast

My daughter's room is warm. My son's room is colder than any room in the house. I don't know why. It just is. Does he complain about the temperature? No. He wouldn't complain if we let him wear shorts when it's snowing either. He refuses to cover up with blankets. If you cover him when he's asleep, he kicks the blankets off immediately. I personally think if he was cold enough then he'd cover up. My husband worries about him being cold though. Either way, I don't see it as a big deal really. Plus, I think it's a factor in why he doesn't want him to sleep in his room, but not the only factor. He misses him.

My daughter did sleep in the bed with us for a long time. She was trained to sleep in her own bed as an infant, started sleeping with us when she was a baby/toddler, and went back to her own room around 5 years old because I got tired of being kicked. She'll sleep with us every blue moon (if I tell her to crawl in bed so we can talk/cuddle and we just fall asleep) but she's older/bigger, is fine sleeping on her own, and our queen bed is just too crowded for my liking with 4 people and a dog. The bed was a lot bigger when they were 2 and 4. I'm probably about to kick my son out too because he kicks more/harder as he gets bigger. He can sleep on the couch for all I care.

OR..my husband could go sleep in our son's room and my son could stay in the bed with me. There would be enough room that way, and nobody thinks there's anything weird about mothers sleeping with their children or even spouses having separate bedrooms. Go figure.

Does your husband not miss his daughter?

And I disagree with "nobody thinks there's anything weird about mothers sleeping with their children ... " If a mother NEEDED to snuggle with her son/daughter it would be equally creepy. I find it extremely odd that you see nothing strange about your husbands need to snuggle with your 6 year old son.

[Nik's Mom]

Originally Posted by wvjules

Does your husband not miss his daughter?

And I disagree with "nobody thinks there's anything weird about mothers sleeping with their children ... " If a mother NEEDED to snuggle with her son/daughter it would be equally creepy. I find it extremely odd that you see nothing strange about your husbands need to snuggle with your 6 year old son.

That is equally as shocking as a grown man needing to sleep with his child. I completely agree with you.

[msjprincess]

Originally Posted by wvjules

Does your husband not miss his daughter?

And I disagree with "nobody thinks there's anything weird about mothers sleeping with their children ... " If a mother NEEDED to snuggle with her son/daughter it would be equally creepy. I find it extremely odd that you see nothing strange about your husbands need to snuggle with your 6 year old son.

I agree, it would be just as creepy if it were a mother doing it.

[msjprincess]

Originally Posted by DisneyATlast

"repeatedly" said he does not want to?

Before you know it, this will morph into a story about a child who kicks and screams every night as he is forced to sleep somewhere he doesn't want to.

I said he is "perfectly fine sleeping in his own bed" which is way different than "repeatedly" saying you don't want to do something. I'm perfectly fine sitting at home watching TV, but that doesn't mean I'm FORCED to go out to eat and watch a movie. Wow.

Some people have waaaay too much time on their hands. No wonder some of you can't fathom using bedtime as bonding time.

On the other hand, we both have jobs and a life outside of looking on the DIS for posts where we can bash every parenting choice we can come across. What is the deal with that on this forum? It's everywhere.

Anyway. Done. Y'all have a blast. (Blast isn't literal. Don't put on your space suit).

That argument would work better if you only had one child.

[StitchesGr8Fan]

I think maybe we should move on from this topic. Either the mother is not expressing herself well and we have a very skewed version of the story, or as everyone has hinted at there are boundary/emotional issues at play here. We know the mother has read our thoughts because she has responded. It is up to her to decide to do something or not. Lets get back to the fun spirit of the original post.

[2girls4me]

My youngest refuse to sleep in either the bassinet or the crib. She slept with me for the first 6 months of her life. She went to her crib fine.

My oldest, I feel like I should've "backed off" more. She's independent, but some things only I can do. She's gotten better, but it's frustrating to me.

[luvsJack]

Seems to me that too many people are taking a little bit of information and making a whole lot of assumptions.

The OP may very well know exactly every thing that is going on and its just coming across strange sounding in the posts.

As for it being only one of their children--he's the youngest, right? Some parents (actually a LOT of parents) baby their youngest child more. Some to the point of not wanting to realize that they are growing up. That could be all it is with the OP's husband and son.