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Old 02-05-2013, 03:42 PM   #16
Tiggeroo
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my son can do whatever he wants. If he did this with a stranger I'd be ok. But it was my sister and she was kind of like that guy on Pinnochio telling the kids they don't have to work or go to school, just play all day. There is a ton of family history here, I guess. If she called I would not hang up on her. I'd try to work it out. I just can't bring myself to call her.
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Old 02-05-2013, 03:44 PM   #17
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I would talk to your son - is he happy doing what he is doing??
does he want help to go back to school??

what does he want??
talk to him since he is in the middle of all of this
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Old 02-05-2013, 03:47 PM   #18
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Old 02-05-2013, 03:49 PM   #19
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After reading what happened... Personally, I wouldn't want to talk to her again. She manulipulated (sp?) your son (21 is technically an adult, but when you were 21, were you as "smart" as you are now? No.) and convinced him to do things that she wouldn't allow her own children to do. Yes, it was his decision, but she shouldn't have put it out there for him to make. Do something to me, but don't mess with my kids. JMHO
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Old 02-05-2013, 03:49 PM   #20
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My son is find doing what he's doing for now. We had cut him off financially unless he went back to school, learned a trade or made some serious plans that involved his future. And even then we'd only offer minimal support. I know it seems like the issue seems like it's about my son but it's not really. Imagine you did lots of things for a family member and went them and asked them to do you one favor. They responded by doing the exact opposite in order to benefit themselves.
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Old 02-05-2013, 03:55 PM   #21
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My son is find doing what he's doing for now. We had cut him off financially unless he went back to school, learned a trade or made some serious plans that involved his future. And even then we'd only offer minimal support. I know it seems like the issue seems like it's about my son but it's not really. Imagine you did lots of things for a family member and went them and asked them to do you one favor. They responded by doing the exact opposite in order to benefit themselves.
So your ds decided to work for her, knowing you would cut him off. Did I miss something in one of your previous posts, did you say he didn't want to work for her or he did want to?
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Old 02-05-2013, 03:55 PM   #22
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I didn't speak to one of my brothers for 13 years over a situation involving my son (also an adult). This rift created a difficult situation for my other brother who avoided both of us rather than taking sides. And of course it affected my parents and all of our children.

I felt he was wrong. For 13 years I held onto that. Then he had a difficult situation come up in his life and my elderly mom, once again begged for me to make the first step since it was obvious my brother would not.

And I did. I reached out, told him I was sorry he was going through a rough patch. It meant the world to him. We will never be best buds and I still think he was wrong (and he has in a roundabout way commented that he was wrong) but I feel better. Let's forget that it's easier for my parents and my children; I feel better. The load of angst I felt was gone the second I reached out to him.

So yes, I would move on. For yourself.
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Old 02-05-2013, 03:57 PM   #23
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If the person's history, or current actions with others, indicated that they would continue to be truly hurtful over and over then, o I would not put myself in that position again. If it was a one time thing, then yes I would move past it (unless it was truly, truly bad--like abusing my child).
This is my view as well. Which is why I currently choose not to have a relationship with my brother. Fool me once, shame on you . . . fool me dozens of times then shame on me but eventually I will finally learn and set up some personal boundaries.
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Old 02-05-2013, 04:00 PM   #24
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So your ds decided to work for her, knowing you would cut him off. Did I miss something in one of your previous posts, did you say he didn't want to work for her or he did want to?
I cut my son off before he moved out there. He could live with us for a small rent. He could borrow my car. But he would pay his other bills and there was a time limit to how long he could live with us unless he was doing something. We offered to help him open his own restaurant (he didn't want to go into food), help pay for school, or pay for a trade school. But we were trying to squeeze him financially into growing up a bit. He had lived on his own for two years but ended up very broke. He was ambivalent about working for her. He didn't want to at all at first but she kept promising him more things. The restaurant cost a lot more then she thought and he's not getting much now.
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Old 02-05-2013, 04:01 PM   #25
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I didn't speak to one of my brothers for 13 years over a situation involving my son (also an adult). This rift created a difficult situation for my other brother who avoided both of us rather than taking sides. And of course it affected my parents and all of our children.

I felt he was wrong. For 13 years I held onto that. Then he had a difficult situation come up in his life and my elderly mom, once again begged for me to make the first step since it was obvious my brother would not.

And I did. I reached out, told him I was sorry he was going through a rough patch. It meant the world to him. We will never be best buds and I still think he was wrong (and he has in a roundabout way commented that he was wrong) but I feel better. Let's forget that it's easier for my parents and my children; I feel better. The load of angst I felt was gone the second I reached out to him.

So yes, I would move on. For yourself.
This is what i"m afraid of. It's part of the reason I"m considering calling.
Speaking to her again is not the same thing as ever feeling the old closeness and trust.
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Old 02-05-2013, 04:02 PM   #26
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Me, yes. But I'm of the male gender. Wife, probably not.
I don't understand this answer. Are you saying the men are more forgiving than woman in general, or just that you are more forgiving than your wife?
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Old 02-05-2013, 04:12 PM   #27
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This is what i"m afraid of. It's part of the reason I"m considering calling.
Speaking to her again is not the same thing as ever feeling the old closeness and trust.
This is a good way to look at it. There are many types of relationships you can have with your sister. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. For example I don't really have an ongoing relationship with my brother that I nurture and invest in. But I am more than happy for the sake of family harmony to see him at family events and make small talk, etc. No biggie and no sweat for me.
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Old 02-05-2013, 04:22 PM   #28
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I would have a very hard time with this. Yes, your son is 21 years old. Some 21 year olds are mature and have good forethought. Others are immature, have to learn the hard way, and fall prey to glitz and glamour and what sounds like "easy street."

Your sister took advantage of him plain and simple. She encouraged him to step away from a job where he was actually learning to be a chef, dragged over to her restaurant (something she wouldn't let her own kids do), and made it impossible for him to seek other career paths by overscheduling him. You conveyed to your sister that (and I'm paraphrasing here) that YOU were the one shoveling out the tough love here by making your son try to support himself so he could see the light that he needed to either complete college or go into a skilled trade program. She definitely undermined that. If your son was 30, I'd say it wasn't your business. But your son is 21 (and probably younger when it first started happening) and a bit wayward and immature.

As your sister, I think she owed it to you to step back and stay out of it. At the very least, she should have been up front with your son about what his duties were going to be and how much he'd be working.

I'm not opposed to a reconciliation with your sister; however, reconciliations need two people to admit their faults. The bigger burden is on her. She owes you an apology for "bribing" your son. A simple, straight up offer to your son was the ONLY thing she should have done. She wined and dined and courted him over to her.

As for you, I'm not actually sure you've done ANYTHING wrong so I don't even know how I would broach that reconciliation.
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Old 02-05-2013, 04:28 PM   #29
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Depending on what the person did, yes, I would. I have a few family members now that I pretend to get along with for the sake of my grandma. When she's gone (hopefully a long, long time from now), I'm done with them. I just decided that I love her more than I despise them.


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Old 02-05-2013, 04:29 PM   #30
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I'd move on from this.

I do think there are some things you can't move past, or even times when moving on means cutting people out of your life and wishing them the best. I wouldn't include this as one of those times.

You're son made the decision to do it. Your son made the decision to stay. Maybe he loves it? Maybe he doesn't care about the money? He's not 40. He's still got plenty of time to go back to school and figure it all out.
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